Torchwood Fic: After all is said and done.... 2/2

[pfyre]

Title: After all is said and done….

Author: pfyre

Fandom: Torchwood [with a visit from a certain Time Lord]

Rating: PG/K+

Genre:AU tag, angst, confrontation, h/c, Jack/Esther friendship - possible pre-romance?

Spoilers: through the end of Torchwood: Miracle Day although I only have canon through the end of ep 7.

Warnings: mild language, descriptions of violence, a bit of Doctor - er - not really bashing more of a reality check for the Time Lord. However, if you believe the Doctor can do no wrong you probably won't like this.

Disclaimer: "Torchwood" and its characters and situations are the creative and intellectual properties of Russell T. Davies, BBC, BBC Cymru, BBC Worldwide Productions and Starz Originals. This fiction was written solely for the entertainment of Torchwood/Doctor Who fans. No monies made. No copyright infringement is intended.

Word Count: approx. 6800 words.

Summary: Sometimes the truth needs to be told.A/N: After watching episode 7 of Torchwood: Miracle Day 'Immortal Sins', I was struck once again by what a damned good job John Barrowman has done bringing Captain Jack Harkness to life in all his depths and contradictions and layers. The scene where he told Angelo: "I have this friend. He's called the Doctor. He explores the world with a companion…. It looks nice." - the tears in Jack's eyes, the emotions layered in his voice. It was driven home to me just how much Jack loves the Doctor and just how poorly he's been treated in return. The muse latched on and ran with it. This will be AU whether I post it today [not knowing the details of the final three episode of MD] or at the end of MD when all the secrets and details are revealed - so I'm going for it with this, getting it done and out there and posted. Lori has been a wonderful sounding board and as always my PiaP is my beta reader extraordinaire. She truly helps make me sound so much more literate. Any remaining errors are my own.

Feedback: Feedback is highly encouraged. Flames will be ignored.

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After all is said and done….

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'Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.' w.b. yeats

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part 2
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"I suppose-"

"Good!" Jack stood and moved purposefully towards the Doctor and backed him up against one of the ledges. "Now it's my turn." He wanted to scream at the Doctor. He wanted to scream at the TARDIS and the Time Vortex and at Rose and…. But for the moment, he dug in and held his composure. "Where've you been recently? Did you ever think to check what was happening on Earth during my time here?"

"Well of course I-"

"No, Doctor, I'm not buying it this time." He kept his voice low and as neutral as possible in an effort to control the anger that was boiling inside of him. "You're always promising to be there when things get bad. You're very much in love with the image of you and the TARDIS with companion in tow swooping in to save the day. Martha Jones, former companion, calls for help and you rush in to solve the problem. Sarah Jane Smith, former companion, in need of help, you're right there to lend a hand. I'm sure you'd move heaven and Earth and the Time Vortex to help Rose if she needed you." Jack took a deep breath to steady himself. He needed to get all of this out. It needed to be said.

"I-" Jack cut the Doctor off with a flick of his hand.

"Do you even know why I was at that space bar trying to drown myself in enough alcohol to forget about things for even a little while?"

"But Alonzo-" He did not allow the Doctor to continue.

"No, Doctor, dropping a pretty boy nearly in my lap to warm my bed and maybe scratch an itch doesn't really cut it when I was running away from what had happened on Earth… from what destroyed Torchwood 3 in Cardiff!" He leaned in close the Doctor. "Do you recall a race referred to by Earth as the 456?" The Doctor blinked and then finally nodded.

"You do recall that they visited Earth back in 1965?" He saw the blankness in the Doctor's eyes. "Or how about when they paid the Earth a return visit in 2009?" Again, no response. "Well, Doctor, in 1965 they blackmailed the British government into trading a dozen kids for a cure to a flu that would've killed twenty-five million." Jack paused and then added, "And yeah, I helped. Figured in the big picture twelve orphans was a fair exchange to save so many." The Doctor frowned and opened his mouth, but Jack pushed on. "Problem was when the 456 returned in 2009 they upped the ante to demanding a full ten percent of the world's population of children or they would destroy the whole human race. They wanted children because to the 456 they were the ultimate recreational drug!"

"But the Shadow Proclamation-"

"Do you think anyone on this planet then or even at this very moment knows how to invoke that proclamation? Well, other than you and me that is. And I don't have any authority to enforce or even call upon the proclamation on my own." Jack took another deep breath to ground himself.

"But I could've-"

"You could've what, Doctor?!" He rounded on the Time Lord. "Called on the Shadow Proclamation to protect the Earth, a level 5 planet, from interference by the 456?... Damn right, you COULD have. But you weren't here! Hell, Gwen asked me where you were and why couldn't you help and I had nothing to tell her!"

"But things worked out all right in the end-"

"All right in the end? All right?! ALL RIGHT?!!!!" He clenched his hands in an effort to stop himself from physically shaking the oblivious man in front of him. "If 'all right' includes the Torchwood 3 Hub and me being blown up…. I can still recall in excruciating, painful detail how long it took for my body to reform, the nerves regenerating, the flesh and bone reconstituting. But that really wasn't the worst of it, Doctor." He pulled a deep shuddering breath and held it trying to calm his body and his emotions. "The worst of it included losing Ianto Jones, my lover, to a virus released by the 456 - a teaser of what they would do the rest of the world if their demand were not complied with. Then to top the pile of 'worst' or was that just another part of 'all right'?... Whatever - the topper was sacrificing Steven, my grandson, with his mom pleading and screaming as she watched in order to stop the 456, to drive them away from the planet. And it was MY choice, MY decision. What could I do? If I had made any other choice millions of children would have been delivered to the 456 and you and I know it would only be a matter of time before they would've been back demanding more! So I lost not only my lover and friend, but my grandson and my daughter wants nothing to do with me - ever! And I can't say I even blame her!" His hands were shaking as he recalled the devastation he had faced after the 456 left. How traveling the planet had not given him enough distance to heal and how finally he had escaped to the stars.

"That was why I was at the bar trying to drink my body weight in alcohol." He was back to a deadly, quiet voice. "Alonzo was a beautiful, kind young man and we did share a brief time together. But-" He held up a finger at the Doctor. "-that doesn't even begin to approach helping me deal with what happened. Helping me put it all into perspective; put it behind me - helping me grieve." He stepped back a few paces and then finally returned.

"Jack, I didn't-"

"And now you come here to scold, berate me about being immortal again?"

"I nev-"

"Don't!" Jack spat at the man. "Just don't! Okay?!" He ran a hand through his hair. "Newsflash, Doctor! I did NOT choose to be immortal this time any more than I chose the first time!" He glared at the alien. "Don't even try to deny it! You-" He stabbed a finger at the Doctor. "Since the first moment Rose brought me back on the Game Station, you've acted as if I somehow chose for it to happen! That I brought it on myself. You abandoned me on a station filled with dead bodies! You explained that you were suffering from regeneration sickness and I 'get' that I really do, but…. Do you have any idea what it was like for me to run to the control center only to see the TARDIS fading out of sight?! Any idea at all?" Even after all this time, it still hurt like a knife to the heart.

"I was wrecked. But I consoled myself figuring you probably thought I was dead. I even thought at first you might come back and at least to perform some sort of burial rites for a fallen comrade. Because I fully believed that I was a comrade, a companion - someone I thought you cared about. I went willingly into a doomed fight to delay the advance of the Daleks so you could finish the Delta Wave Generator to save the universe from an invasion of those monsters. I knew there wasn't much we could possibly hope to do beyond delaying them for a short time. I knew I was going to die and I went willingly because it was the right thing to do. You taught me to do the right thing - even if it was hard, even if it meant I would die." He released a shuddering breath.

"When after a month, you still had not returned I managed to use my vortex manipulator to transport myself down to the planet and back in time. It was a damned rough ride, one in retrospect I'm not certain I survived, and unfortunately I overshot as you are aware and had to wait more than a century for you to show up in an incarnation I could safely interact with. We already discussed how I muddled on and discovered my new found inability to stay dead. So when you finally do show up - which was after Abaddon had put in an appearance and the only way to destroy it was for me to feed it my overabundance of life-force. I really thought I might finally really die doing that and it was a whole new level of agony by the way. So you show up and I try to connect with you only to have you slam the TARDIS into the time vortex to escape from me!" He looked at the Time Lord.

"In the midst of you telling me that I'm wrong and that you and the TARDIS can't stand to be near me we end up in the middle of the mess with the Master and the start of the Year That Never Was. Again I do the right thing and give Martha my Vortex Manipulator and figure I can act as a distraction until you can defeat the Master. If you think about it, there was no reason I couldn't have been the one on that year long journey to unite the world behind you, except that Martha would have been tortured instead of me and I couldn't bear to even think about that." Jack closed his eyes for a moment.

"I love Martha and her family. Tish, Francine and Clive were the only ones that were allowed to interact with The Freak that didn't involve torture, mutilation and death. I don't know if I would have been sane at the end of it all if they hadn't been there for me whenever possible. So the Master was defeated and then killed and you showed him more consideration and compassion than…." His throat closed up for a moment, but he swallowed roughly and plowed ahead. "Everyone was happy and no one except those of us on the Valiant remembered that year. I wish…. I still have nightmares of that hellish year…. So I go back to Cardiff and rejoin my team as we fight the good fight for the sake of humanity."

"But working for Torchwood was/is a fast track to an early grave and eventually even most of that team was dead and the Cardiff Torchwood Hub was destroyed." Pausing, he licked his lips and briefly wished he'd brought his coffee with him. "Since there was a single member of my team left, I eventually decided there are better things to do than to try to pickle my liver and I came back to Earth to watch over Gwen Cooper, to make certain she and her family were safe." He realized the Doctor was listening and he hoped, god he really hoped the Time Lord was taking on board what he was hearing.

"Now getting back to my change from immortal to mortal and then back…." He paused ordering his thoughts again. "By the way, Doctor, what do you know of the Miracle Day incident with your Time Lord perspective? Where have you been for the last year in this timeline?"

"Miracle Day? Not much really. I recall seeing it mentioned in passing." The Doctor shrugged. "Amy, Rory and I have been dealing with a lot of things and I guess we were elsewhere during the last year or so."

"Right." Jack nodded. "How about the Sheldrake Theory and morphic fields?" At the blank look from the Doctor, he explained about Miracle Day and how morphic fields were used and the devastating effect it had on the entire planet. "So it was immortality without all the good benefits. Everyone was still aging as before and if you were near death you hovered in a sort of indefinite limbo. Hell, Doctor, I saw a man who had blown himself up with a bomb strapped to his chest…." He swallowed hard. Some of these things struck a little too close to home. "When his body was recovered it was mostly bone with bits of tendon and muscle and fragments of burnt skin. There wasn't much left of his head. There was a huge gaping hole in his skull and no brain tissue that I could see, BUT he was still alive! He opened his eyes and looked at me! I don't know to this day how much consciousness, how much coherency was involved but he was very much alive - undying. As you can imagine the entire world was in chaos. The population continued to grow and people no longer died and resources were being strained. Torchwood - Gwen and I were yanked back into the thick of things as the ones responsible for the fiasco had labeled me and Torchwood as dangerous and needing to be eliminated." He moved to lean against the ledge a few feet from the Doctor.

"In case you hadn't guess by now, when the whole planet became immortal I was suddenly mortal! I mean I got what I'd been dreaming of for so very long. When I died I would be gone forever, for good! But the price for it - the wrong sort of immortality bestowed on the planet was too high. Beyond that, I know from experience that immortality is not something to be wished upon even my worst enemies." He closed his eyes as the events of those awful days, months replayed themselves in his head. "It was a conspiracy on a level I had never experienced before and it seemed for every step forward we made we were knocked backward on our asses. But we plowed ahead; we pushed and pushed and pushed. An assassin poisoned me with arsenic. Rex had a madman stick a pen into his chest which had been healing from being impaled. Gwen-" He cut himself off from what he wanted to say. "Gwen's dad was diagnosed a category one and her family was held hostage." He rubbed his chest. "Then I was badly injured. I thought I really was going to die but Esther, the sweet, naïve and all too innocent CIA analyst saved me and managed to nurse me back from the brink of death. Nothing like nearly dying - REALLY dying to make you appreciate life, want to hold onto it with both hands."

"Jack-" He held up a hand to stop the Doctor.

"Oh, believe me, I had plenty of time to consider what was happening to me and what choice I would make if and when the time came. Die once and for all or live forever. Hell of a choice, but as I'd already offered my life both as a mere mortal and too many times to count as the impossible, wrong thing I'd become I knew there was really only one right choice. But the universe is a perverse and sadistic bitch, Doctor. Someone out there probably had a great laugh at poor, stupid ape Jack Harkness thinking he could choose." He sighed. "At the end as we struggled to reverse the miracle and return the world to the way it should be, should always have been, I was dying. My blood, my own original immortality linked me to it. Things got a bit fuzzy for me but it came down to that in order to reverse the immortality dropped on the planet I had to return to what I had been before - the impossible, wrong thing. Rex and Esther reversed the morphic field and then destroyed the node in Buenos Aires and Gwen destroyed the one in Shanghai."

The roof was silent. In the distance there were sounds of traffic and even a siren trailing away. The waning moon had risen adding its light to the scene.

"So, Doctor, you tell me. Don't you think the events happening with the 456 or with Miracle Day were something you should be concerned with? You're always telling me and everyone else how Earth is quite your favorite planet and how much you like us stupid apes." Jack's voice was once again quiet and controlled. "Would've figured the 456 interfering with a level 5 planet protected by you and the Shadow Proclamation would've been something you would've checked out. Or that something like the perverted, wrong sort of immortality dropped like a bomb onto humanity - a disaster by all accounts and something that could've put the planet and humanity in a state that could never be recovered from would be something you would concern yourself over." He raised an eyebrow as he turned to look at the Doctor.

"Well, yes," the Doctor began, "generally I would, but I was tied up elsewhere and things got handled well enough by you and your team-"

"Bullshit! That is just so much fucking bullshit, Doctor! The truth of the matter is your prejudice against me - me being the impossible and wrong thing that sets your skin to crawling - keeps you from even really giving any consideration to what's happening around me - to pretty much the whole damned planet as long as I'm anywhere nearby." The anger was back. "I suppose the planet and everyone here would be better off if I got myself well away because then you'd rush in to save the day and there'd one hell of a lot less death and destruction and chaos. I should offer them an apology and hitch a ride to some distant world with little to no population and less chance of bad things happening without you there to help save them." The anger and frustration brought tears to his eyes and filled his voice.

"I loved you so goddamned much, Doctor. It wasn't because you were a mythical Time Lord or gorgeous or smart or sexy. It wasn't just that I wanted to take you to bed - yeah it included that but it was so much more. It was because you were a good man - a good person - trying to save the innocents and put wrongs right. You had an infectious sense of adventure and wonder and fun. You yanked those in your wake along with you - your companions and even many of those you just encountered up to a higher standard. You gave me a second chance and you made me feel wanted and needed and cared for. You made me want to be a good man, a better man - someone you could be proud of. The TARDIS became my first real home in a very long time in my original lifetime." He pushed himself back to his feet. "Fuck!" He needed a little more space between him and the Doctor and he walked several paces away.

"I remade Torchwood to honor you, Doctor. Hell, even after I finally caught up with you and you told me I was wrong and then I ended up being tortured and killed for a year, I returned to Torchwood and my team and we tried to fight the good fight. I still tried to live up to your standards, to make you proud." He sighed. "But I probably should've taken a page from Martha's book and just got my head out my ass and really looked at things, really looked at you and what you meant to me and what I meant to you."

"Tell me, Doctor." He moved to stand in front of the Time Lord. "What the fuck did I do wrong? Or was there something just plain wrong about me from the start? Was it because I was a soldier? A Time Agent? A conman? Or was it just because I was a man? Have you always divided your treatment of your companions by gender?" The Doctor was just staring at him mouth open; no response coming. "Rose - young, beautiful, naïve and impressionable. Martha - striking, intelligent, resourceful, strong. Donna - smarter than she gave herself credit for, beautiful inside and out. Sarah Jane - truly the grand dame - still as stunning outside as in, smart, stubborn as she was when you first met her. Amy Pond - I don't know as much about her beyond a few rumors that she was a young girl when she met you and that she falls into the same cadre of beautiful, smart, impressionable, strong, young women who have kept you company over the years." He swallowed. Damn, all this talking was making him thirsty.

"I don't know of many male companions. Mickey was more a friend of Rose than an official companion. You always got his name wrong, even if he always came through in a pinch for you. There was Adam Mitchell. I never met him but from your comments and Rose's explanations later he was a smart young man without a lot of common sense and you rid yourself of him ASAP. This Rory you mentioned the reports are that he's Amy's husband and has proven himself over and over again to her and to you. I bet he's in it more for Amy than for you." He was exhausted and his headache was back with a vengeance, but there was still much that needed to be said.

"Bet you wouldn't carelessly dismiss Rose or Amy - if they had somehow revived after traveling through the vortex clinging to the outside of the TARDIS. Or sound bored and disgusted if they got electrocuted and revived or could somehow survive stet radiation in an attempt to save the last remnants of humanity at the end of the universe. Rose and Martha were gifted with special phones that let them contact you no matter the time or place. No doubt Amy has the same. Anyone of them - Rose or Sarah Jane or Martha or Amy or any of the other dozens of female companions died and somehow were resurrected - I can't see you running away from them ill from regeneration sickness or not. So it must just be me. I guess there was something wrong with me, something unworthy of your care and loyalty right from the start." He settled once again on the ledge a few feet from the Doctor. "I guess I was just too needy, too stupid, too blind to realize what was right in front of my face and the joke was on me…. Well, no longer. No longer." Jack closed his eyes and imagined he could just about make out the faint hum of the TARDIS in the far corner of the rooftop.

"Jack?" His eyes snapped open to find the Doctor standing in front of him; he hadn't heard the man move. "I'm… I'm sorry. I know that doesn't-"

"Just go, Doctor." His voice sounded rough with fatigue. "I don't owe you anything any longer - not explanations, not loyalty, not love…." He closed his eyes again and wished he could just go inside and retreat to his tiny haven. His hunger had vanished. He just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a few days, maybe a week.

"Jack, please?" He felt a hand on his shoulder, but he refused to open his eyes. "I - I guess I never really looked at it like that…. But you are wrong-" Jack opened his eyes then. "-in one aspect. You are most definitely worthy of all the loyalty and care and love that could ever be lavished on you. I'm the one that was-is wrong. And I am sorry I ever made you think or feel differently. I-"

"It's all right, Doctor." Jack reassured him. "I don't hate you. Hate takes too much energy and effort to maintain. I just - I don't know what I feel about you anymore… mostly numb I guess."

"I really am sorry, Jack. I-"

"Doctor, I've forgiven most of the people who have betrayed me over this endless lifetime. I might not forget but I do forgive. And sometimes I even manage to get past it all." His thoughts went to his team, his old team. "Sometimes not so much." They turned to a more recent betrayal.

"Do you think you can ever forgive me?" The Doctor almost sounded plaintive.

"Given enough time." He sighed, stood up and headed toward the access door. "Since I'm forever and you're a Time Lord with a time machine, I'd say it would be highly likely." Jack paused at the doorway and turned to look at the Time Lord. "Now, I'm a bit tired. I'm sure I'll see you around, Doctor." He nodded his head and stepped into the stairwell. Before he reached the exit to the ninth floor, the hum of the TARDIS faded from his awareness.

Using the controls on his wrist strap he restarted the security cameras on the roof before he stripped and climbed into bed. While the whole experience had been cathartic, it was damned draining. He slept straight through until morning, only waking when Esther buzz his wrist strap concerned he was not already in the office.

When he got to his desk a short time later, Jack discovered a gun-metal grey cell phone tucked into his top drawer. The post-it note stuck to is read: 'For emergencies.' Smiling softly, he stowed it in the lockbox he kept in his bottom drawer. After all was said and done, maybe things were finally looking up.

~el fin~

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back to part 1
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