chapter seventeen
For your interest, this is my favourite chapter of the story. I emoted all over the place while writing it and I am just very happy how it turned out.
Story: Revelation
Chapter title: sacrifices
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to the Pet Shop Boys and Boy George either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author’s note: The lyrics are from “The Crying Game”. It’s sung in the homonymous film, which is also about trust, deceit and overall love. It’s a touching film and I highly recommend it.
chapter seventeen: sacrifices
One day soon, I'm gonna tell the moon, about the crying game
And if he knows, maybe he'll explain
Why there are heartaches
Why there are tears
And what to do, to stop feeling blue, when love disappears
“Lumos,” said the female Death Eater and Remus, who stood with his back pressed against the wall, saw shadows moving, reflected onto the wall he was facing. He had never been more grateful for the strange corners and angles of his cottage. Disapparating turned out to be impossible. Damn them.
“Oh, Lupin has become a beggar. Typical half-breed scum, I always knew that,” the woman snarled. “Look, he’s got a picture of your blood-traitor brother, Reg.” Remus intensified the grip on his wand.
“I told you never to mention him again,” answered the voice Remus now knew belonged to Sirius’ younger brother.
“Stop this at once,” demanded the deep booming voice. “We are here to get this werewolf to work for the Dark Lord and not to leaf through his photo album.”
“If he is to be persuaded,” said Regulus. “He’s never shown any signs of betrayal.”
The witch laughed mirthlessly. “Sometimes you’re so naïve, Reg.” Remus wondered whether the woman was Bellatrix Lestrange. “The Dark Lord thinks that he’s going to cooperate but it’s not that he has much of a choice. It’s either us or death.”
Remus had heard enough. He threw a last look at the shadows on the wall and then he threw himself around the corner, aiming at where he knew Regulus and Bellatrix were, hissing “Expelliarmus! Stupefy!” He ducked in time to escape the Stunning charm the third Death Eater shot at him and hid behind his sofa.
“Shit,” he heard Regulus say. Remus saw the younger Black’s wand lying where he had been standing before. Accio wand, he thought and it flew to him instantly.
“What the hell,” roared the unknown Death Eater and lifted the Stunning charm from Bellatrix. She coughed a couple of times and got noisily back to her feet. Remus moved as quickly as months of training with Moody had taught him and shot the Incarcerous spell at her. He didn’t check whether he had hit her but the dull thud and her irate screeches told him that one Death Eater was tied up on the floor.
“You might want to use that wand, Dolohov,” snapped Regulus angrily. Remus heard footsteps and braced himself for the attack.
“Evanesco!” roared Dolohov. Remus didn’t wait for the sofa to vanish and threw himself towards the opposite wall. He saw the two hooded figures now and knew what was coming before Dolohov pointed his wand at him and called out “Crucio!” Remus jumped aside and shouted “Protego” at the same time. Remus saw Regulus move towards him and shot a Body-Bind Curse at him. Regulus stiffened and dropped to the floor.
“Do something, you imbecile,” screeched Bellatrix hysterically.
“You forgot to mention that the beast is a bloody good dueller, Black,” Dolohov snarled at Sirius’ brother and went to remove the spell from Bellatrix. Remus tried to disarm him but Dolohov moved quickly to the side. Bella jumped back to her feet. She was the only one who wasn’t wearing a mask and her eyes displayed an untamed madness.
“Accio wand!” she hissed seconds later.
“Expelliarmus!” shouted Remus. And again, Dolohov was the only armed Death Eater. “You better leave my house,” growled Remus, breathing heavily, and pointed his wand directly at the two of them.
“Think, Lupin,” purred Bellatrix suddenly. “The Dark Lord rewards his servants. You need--”
“What I need is you to back off,” Remus cut her off. Beads of sweat covered his forehead and his knees were trembling with exhaustion but he wouldn’t yield.
“You’ll regret that,” spit Bellatrix venomously but dragged Dolohov towards the fireplace.
“I don’t think so,” replied Remus dryly. “Don’t forget your cousin.”
“Mobilicorpus,” grumbled Dolohov and seconds later the three disappeared into green flames. Everything happened so suddenly that Remus had to blink several times before he realised that they were gone for real. His hand hurt from clenching around his wand and his knees were about to give in. The only visible sign of his visitors was Bellatrix’s wand, lying innocently on the floor. Then he remembered that he held Regulus’ wand in his other hand. Remus looked at it confusedly. This had been planned, this had been an ambush. He said that he would be here. That’s what Bellatrix Lestrange had said. The traitor had known when he was expected to be back. Who knew of his secret mission?
Remus found himself on the floor, trembling and fighting a major headache. Deeper thoughts had to wait till tomorrow. He replaced the anti-Disapparition Charm with an Apparition Charm, so that he could get out but nobody was able to Apparate into his cottage. Gathering his last strength, he blocked the fireplace and locked the door magically. In an almost dreamlike state, Remus stumbled into his bedroom and passed out.
It was late morning when he woke up. Remus felt almost as groggy as he had felt when he went to bed. He tiptoed out of the bedroom and checked the rest of the house. His kitchenette was no more and his sofa was gone as well. There was a burning mark next to the fireplace where the Cruciatus Curse had hit the wall. Remus knew he had only survived with sheer luck. He would definitely need some help with repairing his cottage.
But whom could he tell about the attack? He would love to talk to Sirius but he knew that his lover would go berserk if he found out that his brother had been involved. Remus remembered only too well what Sirius had told Regulus in the West Tower in seventh year. Sirius would certainly stop thinking and go after his brother, not giving a damn about the dangers and consequences. Oh, this was a mess! How could he not tell him? How could he? Remus’ head started spinning again and he quickly drank water right out of the tap. Telling James was out of the question, too, because he couldn’t keep a secret from Sirius. So there was only one person left. Peter.
***
“Sirius Black!” came a hushed but urgent voice from inside his robes. Sirius, who was trying to improve the Flying Charms on his motorbike, cleaned his hands on an old towel and took out the two-way mirror. James’ bespectacled face appeared in the mirror.
“What’s up?” asked Sirius in a low voice.
“Thank Merlin! Pads, we’re about to get attacked. They’re outside the house. I think…I think Voldemort is among them,” said James, eyes flickering nervously.
“Fuck, get the hell out of there,” hissed Sirius. This was bad.
“Can’t. They blocked the house.”
“I’m there in a sec, mate,” said Sirius and he didn’t imagine the look of relief on his best friend’s face. Sirius Disapparated, his wand at the ready.
Half an hour later, the fight was over. Voldemort had been accompanied by five of his Death Eaters but Lily, James and Sirius had fought grimly until Moody and the Prewett brothers appeared and turned the tide. Sirius’ lips were bitten bloody in concentration, his left shoulder was burned and one leg was covered in painful lumps. James had been Confunded and there was a deep cut in his forehead. Lily was unscathed, which was a miracle considering that she was eight months ahead.
“Black,” roared Moody, limping over to him. “Why didn’t you send your Patronus before joining the Potters?” Damn, Moody certainly knew how to make him feel incompetent.
“I…I didn’t think about it. I just…well, I knew they needed help and so I Apparated here.”
“Great, Black. You’re a hell of a dueller but you should use your brain once in a while,” commented Moody with a growl. A POP startled them.
“Are you alright?” asked Peter, his wand at the ready and looking utterly horrified.
“Yes, but we only escaped by the skin of our teeth,” said Lily.
“How…how did they know where to find you?” asked Peter, twitching nervously.
“Think, Peter,” said Sirius condescendingly. “It was the fucking traitor.”
Peter looked around. “Where’s Remus?” Good question, thought Sirius and anger and frustration bubbled up inside him.
“How would I know?” he snapped testily. “He’s never around lately.” Peter looked as though he wanted to add something but thought better of it.
***
“You can come in now,” said the Healer and James jumped to his feet so fast that he stumbled and almost fell against Sirius.
“You coming with me?” asked James nervously. Sirius grinned broadly and nodded.
“Oh!” was the only thing James said when he saw his son for the first time. He passed out cold on the floor.
“James!” yelped Lily.
“Don’t you worry, that happens quite often,” said the Healer and heaved him up. Sirius was beaming at Lily. She looked exhausted but overjoyed. Sirius walked up to her bed and looked down at the bundle that was Harry James Potter.
“He’s so…beautiful,” said Sirius, surprised at his own choice of words. “May I…have a closer look?”
Lily smiled amusedly at his unusual hesitance. “You can hold him, godfather.”
“Really?” asked Sirius, completely awed. And then he was holding Lily’s and James’ son and he had a big lump in his throat. Harry was so small and his fingers and toes were so tiny. Sirius loved him already. His face must have given him away because Lily beamed at him while having tears in her eyes.
“Whatever may come, I swear to protect you with my life,” said Sirius throatily. And he meant it.
“Ow,” said James as he regained consciousness. Lily smiled and rolled her eyes.
***
Sirius lay awake, listening to Remus’ even breathing. He hardly slept lately. Fabian and Gideon Prewett had been murdered the previous week and Sirius’ nights were haunted by the memories of the dead. Thinking of the Potters was especially hard. Ironically, he was almost used to receiving bad news now, to losing people that were close to him.
Sirius turned his head and looked at Remus. He looked peaky with the full moon coming up in only two days but even in his sleep he had a certain grace to him. His eyes fluttered and he sighed from time to time. Remus had no idea how perfect he looked in his sleep.
Sirius heaved a sigh. He still loved the man sleeping next to him and he still hadn’t told him. Somehow he was afraid of losing Remus by telling him how he felt. Sirius had never said the l-word to anyone in a romantic sense and he and Remus went along pretty well without using it. Still, Sirius tried to show him. Telling him would make it even more real and losing him would be even harder. Sirius felt panicky at the thought of losing Remus to Death. He, who hadn’t known fear before, was constantly alert now. Every owl could bring bad news.
As if someone had been listening to his thoughts, there was a scratch at the window. Sirius eased out of bed, careful not to wake Remus. He shooed the owl downwards and sneaked into the living room, where he opened the window and let the bird in. It was a note from James.
Padfoot,
Come over tomorrow around noon. Don’t tell the others.
James
Sirius furrowed his brow. It was unlike James to write short notes without joking at all and it was even more unlike James to order him over under the seal of secrecy. What was going on? Another attack? Another move? Harry was only four months old but Lily and James had moved thrice since then, always expecting another attack. Still frowning, Sirius resolved to another sleepless night and sprawled on his sofa, brooding over the note.
In the morning, Remus gave him a funny look but didn’t say anything. If he knew that Sirius had spent the major part of the night downstairs he didn’t show it. But before he left he asked Sirius whether he’d like to spend the night alone and Sirius told him not to be silly and kissed him hard.
An hour later, Sirius mounted his bike and headed to James’ and Lily’s current home, checking the surroundings from time to time.
“Are Lily and Harry alright?” was the first thing Sirius asked James when he arrived.
“Yes, they’re with Lily’s dad. He’s been ill for a while and likes to see his grandchildren. I should be eternally grateful that Harry isn’t anything like his cousin at all. Merlin, that boy is a spoilt brat,” ranted James.
“Just like you then,” commented Sirius, smiling slyly.
“Git!”
“Idiot!”
“Psycho!”
“Grindylow!”
“Gytrash!”
They stopped when they reached the door and their eyes fell on the front page of the Daily Prophet. Two giant attacks last night, three dead Aurors.
“So, what’s so urgent?” asked Sirius when they had settled in the kitchen. James sighed and looked as if he was fighting an inner battle.
“Dumbledore paid us a visit…about a month ago.” James stared determinedly at the table.
“Okay,” said Sirius, waiting for his friend to go on.
“It’s top secret and I’m not allowed to tell anyone. Still, you’re my best friend and Harry’s godfather. I need you to know,” said James, sounding slightly desperate. Sirius eyed James curiously, biting back a sarcastic remark about trust and family. “Sirius, there…there is a prophecy. I can’t tell you any details….Merlin, I shouldn’t have told you that in the first place.”
“A prophecy?” asked Sirius blankly.
“Yes. Voldemort believes Harry to be someone special and that’s why he’s trying to kill him.”
“What?” yelped Sirius indignantly. “You don’t believe that shit, do you? A prophecy, James!”
James looked up from the table and stared pointedly at Sirius. “It doesn’t matter what I believe. As long as Voldemort believes it my family is in grave danger.”
Sirius nodded reluctantly. “What’s it about then?” he asked into the following silence.
“I can’t tell you. I really can’t,” said James gloomily. “That’s only one part of what I need to tell you. You won’t like the second part any better.” Sirius felt his heart sink. Somehow he knew that the second part would shatter everything he relied on.
“The traitor…it’s someone very close. Dumbledore thinks it’s someone in our closest circle.”
Sirius stared at James, trying to digest the news. “What?” was all he managed.
“He thinks it’s one of you,” whispered James hoarsely, as though only speaking it aloud made it irreversibly true. Sirius wasn’t sure he heard right.
“He thinks it’s one of us,” he repeated James’ words dully, trying to comprehend them. “So me, Peter or Remus?”
And very slowly James nodded and thereby shattered Sirius’ world.
“I-” he started.
“No, I know it’s not you,” said James with a sudden fierceness, betraying the pleading look in his eyes. Sirius lunged over to him and gripped his hand tightly, looking directly into his eyes.
“James, I swear it’s not me. You’re my brother and I love you. I would never, never betray you. Never!” he said vehemently, breathing heavily. “Fuck, I would die for you.”
James looked at him for a long moment before he let out a relieved breath, closed his eyes and nodded fiercely. “I know, I know….it’s just, one of you! I spent seven years with you all in one dorm, shared everything with you and one of you….one of you is trying to get me and my family killed.” James’ voice broke at his last words. Sirius didn’t let go of James’ hand and they sat there in silence for a long time.
“Who?” asked Sirius all of a sudden in a low voice, startling them both.
“I don’t know. Hell, I don’t know.” James answered through clenched teeth. “Can you imagine Remus ratting us out? He never sold us out, not once, he always stood up for us, even to Dumbledore. But Pete? Little Peter? He couldn’t…I mean, he could never keep a secret and…well,…”
“He adores you,” continued Sirius the sentence. “He looks up to you. Always has.” James nodded.
“I don’t know what to think anymore.” James looked lost and very tired.
“Is it certain? It can’t be someone else?” asked Sirius, clinging to this last string of hope.
“It’s not certain. Nothing is certain! Dumbledore has informants on the other side though. And well, he assumes…he suspects.” James shrugged helplessly.
“Dumbledore isn’t always right,” said Sirius, not sure whom he tried to convince.
“No, but terribly often.”
***
Over the next weeks, Sirius watched Peter and Remus closely, looking for a sign of their guilt but really searching for proof of their innocence. Peter was busy but somehow he always found the time to visit the Potters or Sirius. Now and then, he and Sirius got an assignment for the Order and Sirius tried not to be impatient with Peter like he used to be in school. Remus was hardly at home anymore. He spent most of his days in different libraries but refused to tell Sirius what he was doing there. Sometimes he disappeared for days. For the rest, he didn’t act suspiciously at all. Sirius was about to go mad. They were his friends, for heaven’s sake, and Remus was his lover. How could he mistrust them? He was getting angry at Dumbledore for uttering such a suspicion without offering any proof. Who was this secret informant? Why didn’t he know who the traitor was?
Three weeks before Christmas he found a dishevelled and exhausted raven on his window sill. The letter was short but made up for that with his mysterious content.
Sirius,
I don’t know why I’m writing this letter. I messed up big time. I won’t say that you were right, only that I shouldn’t have chosen…ah well, it’s too late now. I don’t know whether you’ll even read this letter. I’m sorry, I should never have said that you weren’t my brother anymore. You are, right?
Reg
P.S. Say sorry to Lupin for me.
Sirius didn’t know what to make of it. He almost threw it away when he recognised the handwriting and after reading it, he wished he had done it. So his brother had realised that his hooded friends were not as cool as he had thought a year ago. Good for him. Sirius hadn’t spoken to him since their days at Hogwarts, always trying to ignore his brother’s existence. But every time they got into a fight with Death Eaters he asked himself whether he was fighting his brother.
What really worried him was the post scriptum. For what was he sorry and why didn’t he write to Remus instead of him? Was this still about the incident in seventh year or was this a note to a fellow Death Eater? He thought about confronting Remus but couldn’t pluck up the courage.
A week later he read about his brother’s death. Unexpectedly, Orion Black followed his younger son at the last day of the year.
“I’m sorry, Pads,” said Remus, frowning deeply.
“We only shared the name. He wasn’t my father anymore, remember?” replied Sirius roughly and drank a whole bottle of Firewhiskey. Remus looked genuinely worried but instead of doing anything to keep him from drinking himself into a stupor he spent the night at his cottage. Completely drunk, Sirius burnt the letter.
***
It was in May that the idea of the Fidelius Charm came up or rather that’s when Dumbledore suggested it.
“Dumbledore offered himself as secret keeper,” said Lily, feeding mashed carrots to Harry.
“That’s good, I think,” answered Sirius slowly, still digesting the information. He wouldn’t be able to see his best friend and his family for a long time. Maybe he wouldn’t see them ever again.
“We don’t want Dumbledore, we want you,” James blurted out. “Would you…I mean, would you do it? It’s dangerous. Voldemort would be after you.”
Sirius stared at him for a long moment before roaring, “ARE YOU MAD, POTTER?” James jumped and Harry started to cry. “Sorry,” added Sirius contritely. “Prongs, you daft idiot, of course I’ll be your secret keeper.” Sirius looked out of the window and blinked his tears away. When he faced Lily and James again, he saw that James was doing the same. Sirius got up and pulled his best friend into a hug.
“Thanks, mate,” James whispered hoarsely.
“My pleasure,” answered Sirius shakily.
***
They were standing in the Longbottoms’ kitchen. Lily comforted Harry, who was crying, by humming a lullaby. James was frustrated, pacing up and down with short measures and tearing his hair. Sirius tried to calm him, while Peter was sitting in the corner, looking anxious and biting his nails.
Alice and Frank walked in shortly after. They had brought their son to bed.
“Can we stay overnight, Alice?” asked Lily, obviously agitated. They had hardly escaped this time. Sirius trembled at the thought of what could have happened if he and the Longbottoms had turned up only minutes later.
“Of course, Lils,” answered Alice.
“Damn it!” Frank cursed. “How do they always know where to find you?”
Sirius shot a quick glance at James. Neither James nor Lily had told anyone else of Dumbledore’s suspicion but of course, it was kind of obvious that someone informed Voldemort about the Potters’ whereabouts.
Peter cleared his throat and startled all of them. It was easy to forget about Peter.
“Erm, where’s Moony?” he asked and was rewarded with uncomfortable silence. Everyone knew that he had just asked much more. Peter shifted nervously on his chair.
“He lives in the middle of nowhere and he’s probably asleep,” said Sirius sharply. The full moon had been three days before and Peter knew that.
“Black,” said Alice, “let him talk.” Alice was an excellent Auror and had a sharp mind. She knew that something was left unsaid.
“It’s…I mean we’re…has anyone ever suspected Remus?” squeaked Peter anxiously.
“Lupin, the traitor?” Frank frowned.
“Well, I wasn’t supposed to tell you…but now I think that maybe he only told me to get an alibi, I really don’t want to assume-” stammered Peter.
“Out with it, Pettigrew!” said Alice determinedly. Sirius was alert. What was it that Peter wasn’t supposed to tell them?
“Last year, Remus got attacked by Death Eaters. In his cottage,” said Peter in a rush. Lily gasped.
“What?” was all Sirius managed to say.
“Yes, and he told me and I helped him fix his cottage. He…he made me promise not to tell anyone, especially not James and Sirius.”
“Why would he do that?” asked James doubtfully.
“He…well, one of them was Regulus,” said Peter, wringing his hands nervously. Sirius choked on the name. Regulus had attacked Remus? What the hell? “He said that he didn’t want to upset Padfoot and that Sirius would go after his brother if he knew…and I believed him at the time.”
“Sirius?” Alice looked at him expectantly.
“He would have been right. I would have killed the sneaky bastard,” admitted Sirius.
“So what changed your mind, Peter?” asked Lily silently.
“He’s never around when James and Lily get attacked. And remember the time after McKinnon’s funeral? He told us that the traitor could have been forced or blackmailed into betraying the Order.” Sirius remembered. Peter was apparently uncomfortable but they all knew he had a point. “So maybe they blackmailed him with his…condition,” ended Peter.
“What condition?” asked Alice curiously. Peter was about to say something but both, James and Sirius, hissed “NO!”, before he could utter a syllable.
“So Remus Lupin got attacked by Death Eaters but didn’t tell anyone but Peter,” resumed Alice.
“That’s strange but no proof. We’re all getting paranoid,” insisted Lily.
The discussion went on for over an hour until Alice declared that it was time to catch some sleep. Sirius left the house but didn’t take off immediately. Instead, he sat down on the pavement next to his motorbike, feeling very much like demolishing something. A warm hand on his shoulder startled him out of his brooding. Lily sat down beside him.
“I don’t believe it’s Remus,” she said softly. Sirius looked at her incredulously.
“What?”
“I don’t think he’s the traitor.” Lily looked at him and there was understanding in her green eyes.
“Why-” started Sirius but stopped as understanding dawned on him. “You know. He told you about…us.”
“Yes,” said Lily simply. “But that’s not the reason. You’ve seen him with Harry, you’ve seen how he looks at him, plays with him, talks to him.” Sirius nodded. “He couldn’t have pretended all that.”
Sirius took a deep breath. “You know…he’s pretending that we’re just friends in front of Peter and James. He insists that I keep my mouth shut, too. Remus is good at keeping secrets, Peter isn’t. He’s never been. I don’t…” Sirius shrugged helplessly and choked out a dry sob. “I…every time we’re together I watch him, interpreting every word he says…I love him,” Sirius said, startled at how easy the word passed his lips. “But I can’t trust him. The attack hasn’t been the first thing he kept from me.”
“But it’s Remus,” said Lily, apparently close to tears.
“Yeah, it’s Remus,” agreed Sirius through clenched teeth.
***
Sirius stared down at Remus, his grey eyes enigmatic, giving nothing away. They hadn’t talked properly to each other for months. Remus didn’t know what to do. Suddenly, he was the one who was shut out and he was so used to Sirius’ omniscient presence, his overwhelming attention, that he felt utterly lost and confused. Sure, he never visualised them staying together, they had certainly never made plans for the future. But he had always expected that there was going to be a break, a moment when Sirius turned away and told him that it was over. Well, this moment never came. Sirius stopped laughing with him but he didn’t stop watching Remus…or shagging him.
Their movements became faster and Remus was tempted to close his eyes and get lost in the feeling of Sirius moving inside him, against him. Just somehow he felt as if he were losing a battle would he give in and break their eye-contact now. Sirius’ breath grew erratic and a sweaty pool developed between their bellies. Remus dug his nails in Sirius’ back when he felt orgasm building up inside him. It felt so damn good.
“Moony,” Sirius panted, tossing his head back and groaning deeply.
Sirius, Remus thought but didn’t dare utter the name, as if there was an unknown magic about to break the spell. He was afraid that this was a nightmare but he was even more terrified at the thought of waking up alone.
And then it didn’t matter anymore and his worries disappeared in a colourful cloud of sparks behind his eyelids. Seconds later Sirius sagged onto him and their closeness was almost too much to bear. Remus folded his arms around Sirius’ back, holding on to the man he knew better than anyone else, the stranger he didn’t know at all. Sirius allowed this, a rare form of non-sexual intimacy.
Eventually, he rolled away, avoiding Remus’ eyes but pulling him close and entangling their limbs deliberately. Was he trying to hold on to a feeling withered a long time ago or was he trying to reassure himself and Remus that there was something, anything? Sirius’ lips were close to Remus’ ear and his breathing was soothing. How could he still feel at home in this man’s arms?
“Remus?” It was barely a whisper.
“Yes?” Remus whispered back. Maybe the silence protected them because words could shatter their closeness. Remus almost wished Sirius wouldn’t say anything at all, just hold him because their bodies didn’t lie or pretend.
“I…” Sirius started and Remus held his breath. There was an almost unbearable tension. Something was very close to being released, something that could change everything. Sirius sighed grievously and the tension disappeared, leaving a world of ifs. “I’m going to perform the Fidelius soon. I just wanted you to know that…well, we won’t see each other for quite some time.”
“I know,” said Remus, voice unsteady.
***
“I know,” Remus said and Sirius wanted nothing more than grab him by his shoulders and shake the truth out of him. He wanted to yell at him for making him doubt, wanted to tell him that he loved him. This was still his Remus. The boy, who had been too shy to say anything for a whole day in first year. The boy, who had been trembling uncontrollably when his friends cornered him in second year. This was Remus, who had forgiven him his betrayal in sixth year and listened patiently to his ramblings about his family.
But this was also the man who was so used to keeping secrets that he never trusted them, never trusted Sirius completely. This was Remus, werewolf and social outcast, the only Marauder who could possibly have a reason for betrayal. This was the man, who knew that Sirius was going to perform the Fidelius Charm on the Potters. Sirius felt torn apart by his love for Remus and the love for his best friend’s family. He would never forgive himself if his feelings for Remus blinded him enough to risk James’ life or worse, Harry’s, the boy who already looked so much like James.
This was the hardest thing he ever went through and it hurt more than the Cruciatus Curse when he finally said, “I just need you to take care of yourself, alright?”
He felt Remus nod against his neck and breathed a gentle kiss on his forehead, just as he had done when Remus’ father had died. He held his lover till the sun rose and then he slipped away, got dressed and left for Peter’s place.
Feedback for my favourite chapter would make me extra happy!
Story: Revelation
Chapter title: sacrifices
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. The Harry Potter universe was created by JK Rowling and therefore belongs to her and her various publishers. I do not own anything remotely related to the Pet Shop Boys and Boy George either. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author’s note: The lyrics are from “The Crying Game”. It’s sung in the homonymous film, which is also about trust, deceit and overall love. It’s a touching film and I highly recommend it.
chapter seventeen: sacrifices
One day soon, I'm gonna tell the moon, about the crying game
And if he knows, maybe he'll explain
Why there are heartaches
Why there are tears
And what to do, to stop feeling blue, when love disappears
“Lumos,” said the female Death Eater and Remus, who stood with his back pressed against the wall, saw shadows moving, reflected onto the wall he was facing. He had never been more grateful for the strange corners and angles of his cottage. Disapparating turned out to be impossible. Damn them.
“Oh, Lupin has become a beggar. Typical half-breed scum, I always knew that,” the woman snarled. “Look, he’s got a picture of your blood-traitor brother, Reg.” Remus intensified the grip on his wand.
“I told you never to mention him again,” answered the voice Remus now knew belonged to Sirius’ younger brother.
“Stop this at once,” demanded the deep booming voice. “We are here to get this werewolf to work for the Dark Lord and not to leaf through his photo album.”
“If he is to be persuaded,” said Regulus. “He’s never shown any signs of betrayal.”
The witch laughed mirthlessly. “Sometimes you’re so naïve, Reg.” Remus wondered whether the woman was Bellatrix Lestrange. “The Dark Lord thinks that he’s going to cooperate but it’s not that he has much of a choice. It’s either us or death.”
Remus had heard enough. He threw a last look at the shadows on the wall and then he threw himself around the corner, aiming at where he knew Regulus and Bellatrix were, hissing “Expelliarmus! Stupefy!” He ducked in time to escape the Stunning charm the third Death Eater shot at him and hid behind his sofa.
“Shit,” he heard Regulus say. Remus saw the younger Black’s wand lying where he had been standing before. Accio wand, he thought and it flew to him instantly.
“What the hell,” roared the unknown Death Eater and lifted the Stunning charm from Bellatrix. She coughed a couple of times and got noisily back to her feet. Remus moved as quickly as months of training with Moody had taught him and shot the Incarcerous spell at her. He didn’t check whether he had hit her but the dull thud and her irate screeches told him that one Death Eater was tied up on the floor.
“You might want to use that wand, Dolohov,” snapped Regulus angrily. Remus heard footsteps and braced himself for the attack.
“Evanesco!” roared Dolohov. Remus didn’t wait for the sofa to vanish and threw himself towards the opposite wall. He saw the two hooded figures now and knew what was coming before Dolohov pointed his wand at him and called out “Crucio!” Remus jumped aside and shouted “Protego” at the same time. Remus saw Regulus move towards him and shot a Body-Bind Curse at him. Regulus stiffened and dropped to the floor.
“Do something, you imbecile,” screeched Bellatrix hysterically.
“You forgot to mention that the beast is a bloody good dueller, Black,” Dolohov snarled at Sirius’ brother and went to remove the spell from Bellatrix. Remus tried to disarm him but Dolohov moved quickly to the side. Bella jumped back to her feet. She was the only one who wasn’t wearing a mask and her eyes displayed an untamed madness.
“Accio wand!” she hissed seconds later.
“Expelliarmus!” shouted Remus. And again, Dolohov was the only armed Death Eater. “You better leave my house,” growled Remus, breathing heavily, and pointed his wand directly at the two of them.
“Think, Lupin,” purred Bellatrix suddenly. “The Dark Lord rewards his servants. You need--”
“What I need is you to back off,” Remus cut her off. Beads of sweat covered his forehead and his knees were trembling with exhaustion but he wouldn’t yield.
“You’ll regret that,” spit Bellatrix venomously but dragged Dolohov towards the fireplace.
“I don’t think so,” replied Remus dryly. “Don’t forget your cousin.”
“Mobilicorpus,” grumbled Dolohov and seconds later the three disappeared into green flames. Everything happened so suddenly that Remus had to blink several times before he realised that they were gone for real. His hand hurt from clenching around his wand and his knees were about to give in. The only visible sign of his visitors was Bellatrix’s wand, lying innocently on the floor. Then he remembered that he held Regulus’ wand in his other hand. Remus looked at it confusedly. This had been planned, this had been an ambush. He said that he would be here. That’s what Bellatrix Lestrange had said. The traitor had known when he was expected to be back. Who knew of his secret mission?
Remus found himself on the floor, trembling and fighting a major headache. Deeper thoughts had to wait till tomorrow. He replaced the anti-Disapparition Charm with an Apparition Charm, so that he could get out but nobody was able to Apparate into his cottage. Gathering his last strength, he blocked the fireplace and locked the door magically. In an almost dreamlike state, Remus stumbled into his bedroom and passed out.
It was late morning when he woke up. Remus felt almost as groggy as he had felt when he went to bed. He tiptoed out of the bedroom and checked the rest of the house. His kitchenette was no more and his sofa was gone as well. There was a burning mark next to the fireplace where the Cruciatus Curse had hit the wall. Remus knew he had only survived with sheer luck. He would definitely need some help with repairing his cottage.
But whom could he tell about the attack? He would love to talk to Sirius but he knew that his lover would go berserk if he found out that his brother had been involved. Remus remembered only too well what Sirius had told Regulus in the West Tower in seventh year. Sirius would certainly stop thinking and go after his brother, not giving a damn about the dangers and consequences. Oh, this was a mess! How could he not tell him? How could he? Remus’ head started spinning again and he quickly drank water right out of the tap. Telling James was out of the question, too, because he couldn’t keep a secret from Sirius. So there was only one person left. Peter.
***
“Sirius Black!” came a hushed but urgent voice from inside his robes. Sirius, who was trying to improve the Flying Charms on his motorbike, cleaned his hands on an old towel and took out the two-way mirror. James’ bespectacled face appeared in the mirror.
“What’s up?” asked Sirius in a low voice.
“Thank Merlin! Pads, we’re about to get attacked. They’re outside the house. I think…I think Voldemort is among them,” said James, eyes flickering nervously.
“Fuck, get the hell out of there,” hissed Sirius. This was bad.
“Can’t. They blocked the house.”
“I’m there in a sec, mate,” said Sirius and he didn’t imagine the look of relief on his best friend’s face. Sirius Disapparated, his wand at the ready.
Half an hour later, the fight was over. Voldemort had been accompanied by five of his Death Eaters but Lily, James and Sirius had fought grimly until Moody and the Prewett brothers appeared and turned the tide. Sirius’ lips were bitten bloody in concentration, his left shoulder was burned and one leg was covered in painful lumps. James had been Confunded and there was a deep cut in his forehead. Lily was unscathed, which was a miracle considering that she was eight months ahead.
“Black,” roared Moody, limping over to him. “Why didn’t you send your Patronus before joining the Potters?” Damn, Moody certainly knew how to make him feel incompetent.
“I…I didn’t think about it. I just…well, I knew they needed help and so I Apparated here.”
“Great, Black. You’re a hell of a dueller but you should use your brain once in a while,” commented Moody with a growl. A POP startled them.
“Are you alright?” asked Peter, his wand at the ready and looking utterly horrified.
“Yes, but we only escaped by the skin of our teeth,” said Lily.
“How…how did they know where to find you?” asked Peter, twitching nervously.
“Think, Peter,” said Sirius condescendingly. “It was the fucking traitor.”
Peter looked around. “Where’s Remus?” Good question, thought Sirius and anger and frustration bubbled up inside him.
“How would I know?” he snapped testily. “He’s never around lately.” Peter looked as though he wanted to add something but thought better of it.
***
“You can come in now,” said the Healer and James jumped to his feet so fast that he stumbled and almost fell against Sirius.
“You coming with me?” asked James nervously. Sirius grinned broadly and nodded.
“Oh!” was the only thing James said when he saw his son for the first time. He passed out cold on the floor.
“James!” yelped Lily.
“Don’t you worry, that happens quite often,” said the Healer and heaved him up. Sirius was beaming at Lily. She looked exhausted but overjoyed. Sirius walked up to her bed and looked down at the bundle that was Harry James Potter.
“He’s so…beautiful,” said Sirius, surprised at his own choice of words. “May I…have a closer look?”
Lily smiled amusedly at his unusual hesitance. “You can hold him, godfather.”
“Really?” asked Sirius, completely awed. And then he was holding Lily’s and James’ son and he had a big lump in his throat. Harry was so small and his fingers and toes were so tiny. Sirius loved him already. His face must have given him away because Lily beamed at him while having tears in her eyes.
“Whatever may come, I swear to protect you with my life,” said Sirius throatily. And he meant it.
“Ow,” said James as he regained consciousness. Lily smiled and rolled her eyes.
***
Sirius lay awake, listening to Remus’ even breathing. He hardly slept lately. Fabian and Gideon Prewett had been murdered the previous week and Sirius’ nights were haunted by the memories of the dead. Thinking of the Potters was especially hard. Ironically, he was almost used to receiving bad news now, to losing people that were close to him.
Sirius turned his head and looked at Remus. He looked peaky with the full moon coming up in only two days but even in his sleep he had a certain grace to him. His eyes fluttered and he sighed from time to time. Remus had no idea how perfect he looked in his sleep.
Sirius heaved a sigh. He still loved the man sleeping next to him and he still hadn’t told him. Somehow he was afraid of losing Remus by telling him how he felt. Sirius had never said the l-word to anyone in a romantic sense and he and Remus went along pretty well without using it. Still, Sirius tried to show him. Telling him would make it even more real and losing him would be even harder. Sirius felt panicky at the thought of losing Remus to Death. He, who hadn’t known fear before, was constantly alert now. Every owl could bring bad news.
As if someone had been listening to his thoughts, there was a scratch at the window. Sirius eased out of bed, careful not to wake Remus. He shooed the owl downwards and sneaked into the living room, where he opened the window and let the bird in. It was a note from James.
Padfoot,
Come over tomorrow around noon. Don’t tell the others.
James
Sirius furrowed his brow. It was unlike James to write short notes without joking at all and it was even more unlike James to order him over under the seal of secrecy. What was going on? Another attack? Another move? Harry was only four months old but Lily and James had moved thrice since then, always expecting another attack. Still frowning, Sirius resolved to another sleepless night and sprawled on his sofa, brooding over the note.
In the morning, Remus gave him a funny look but didn’t say anything. If he knew that Sirius had spent the major part of the night downstairs he didn’t show it. But before he left he asked Sirius whether he’d like to spend the night alone and Sirius told him not to be silly and kissed him hard.
An hour later, Sirius mounted his bike and headed to James’ and Lily’s current home, checking the surroundings from time to time.
“Are Lily and Harry alright?” was the first thing Sirius asked James when he arrived.
“Yes, they’re with Lily’s dad. He’s been ill for a while and likes to see his grandchildren. I should be eternally grateful that Harry isn’t anything like his cousin at all. Merlin, that boy is a spoilt brat,” ranted James.
“Just like you then,” commented Sirius, smiling slyly.
“Git!”
“Idiot!”
“Psycho!”
“Grindylow!”
“Gytrash!”
They stopped when they reached the door and their eyes fell on the front page of the Daily Prophet. Two giant attacks last night, three dead Aurors.
“So, what’s so urgent?” asked Sirius when they had settled in the kitchen. James sighed and looked as if he was fighting an inner battle.
“Dumbledore paid us a visit…about a month ago.” James stared determinedly at the table.
“Okay,” said Sirius, waiting for his friend to go on.
“It’s top secret and I’m not allowed to tell anyone. Still, you’re my best friend and Harry’s godfather. I need you to know,” said James, sounding slightly desperate. Sirius eyed James curiously, biting back a sarcastic remark about trust and family. “Sirius, there…there is a prophecy. I can’t tell you any details….Merlin, I shouldn’t have told you that in the first place.”
“A prophecy?” asked Sirius blankly.
“Yes. Voldemort believes Harry to be someone special and that’s why he’s trying to kill him.”
“What?” yelped Sirius indignantly. “You don’t believe that shit, do you? A prophecy, James!”
James looked up from the table and stared pointedly at Sirius. “It doesn’t matter what I believe. As long as Voldemort believes it my family is in grave danger.”
Sirius nodded reluctantly. “What’s it about then?” he asked into the following silence.
“I can’t tell you. I really can’t,” said James gloomily. “That’s only one part of what I need to tell you. You won’t like the second part any better.” Sirius felt his heart sink. Somehow he knew that the second part would shatter everything he relied on.
“The traitor…it’s someone very close. Dumbledore thinks it’s someone in our closest circle.”
Sirius stared at James, trying to digest the news. “What?” was all he managed.
“He thinks it’s one of you,” whispered James hoarsely, as though only speaking it aloud made it irreversibly true. Sirius wasn’t sure he heard right.
“He thinks it’s one of us,” he repeated James’ words dully, trying to comprehend them. “So me, Peter or Remus?”
And very slowly James nodded and thereby shattered Sirius’ world.
“I-” he started.
“No, I know it’s not you,” said James with a sudden fierceness, betraying the pleading look in his eyes. Sirius lunged over to him and gripped his hand tightly, looking directly into his eyes.
“James, I swear it’s not me. You’re my brother and I love you. I would never, never betray you. Never!” he said vehemently, breathing heavily. “Fuck, I would die for you.”
James looked at him for a long moment before he let out a relieved breath, closed his eyes and nodded fiercely. “I know, I know….it’s just, one of you! I spent seven years with you all in one dorm, shared everything with you and one of you….one of you is trying to get me and my family killed.” James’ voice broke at his last words. Sirius didn’t let go of James’ hand and they sat there in silence for a long time.
“Who?” asked Sirius all of a sudden in a low voice, startling them both.
“I don’t know. Hell, I don’t know.” James answered through clenched teeth. “Can you imagine Remus ratting us out? He never sold us out, not once, he always stood up for us, even to Dumbledore. But Pete? Little Peter? He couldn’t…I mean, he could never keep a secret and…well,…”
“He adores you,” continued Sirius the sentence. “He looks up to you. Always has.” James nodded.
“I don’t know what to think anymore.” James looked lost and very tired.
“Is it certain? It can’t be someone else?” asked Sirius, clinging to this last string of hope.
“It’s not certain. Nothing is certain! Dumbledore has informants on the other side though. And well, he assumes…he suspects.” James shrugged helplessly.
“Dumbledore isn’t always right,” said Sirius, not sure whom he tried to convince.
“No, but terribly often.”
***
Over the next weeks, Sirius watched Peter and Remus closely, looking for a sign of their guilt but really searching for proof of their innocence. Peter was busy but somehow he always found the time to visit the Potters or Sirius. Now and then, he and Sirius got an assignment for the Order and Sirius tried not to be impatient with Peter like he used to be in school. Remus was hardly at home anymore. He spent most of his days in different libraries but refused to tell Sirius what he was doing there. Sometimes he disappeared for days. For the rest, he didn’t act suspiciously at all. Sirius was about to go mad. They were his friends, for heaven’s sake, and Remus was his lover. How could he mistrust them? He was getting angry at Dumbledore for uttering such a suspicion without offering any proof. Who was this secret informant? Why didn’t he know who the traitor was?
Three weeks before Christmas he found a dishevelled and exhausted raven on his window sill. The letter was short but made up for that with his mysterious content.
Sirius,
I don’t know why I’m writing this letter. I messed up big time. I won’t say that you were right, only that I shouldn’t have chosen…ah well, it’s too late now. I don’t know whether you’ll even read this letter. I’m sorry, I should never have said that you weren’t my brother anymore. You are, right?
Reg
P.S. Say sorry to Lupin for me.
Sirius didn’t know what to make of it. He almost threw it away when he recognised the handwriting and after reading it, he wished he had done it. So his brother had realised that his hooded friends were not as cool as he had thought a year ago. Good for him. Sirius hadn’t spoken to him since their days at Hogwarts, always trying to ignore his brother’s existence. But every time they got into a fight with Death Eaters he asked himself whether he was fighting his brother.
What really worried him was the post scriptum. For what was he sorry and why didn’t he write to Remus instead of him? Was this still about the incident in seventh year or was this a note to a fellow Death Eater? He thought about confronting Remus but couldn’t pluck up the courage.
A week later he read about his brother’s death. Unexpectedly, Orion Black followed his younger son at the last day of the year.
“I’m sorry, Pads,” said Remus, frowning deeply.
“We only shared the name. He wasn’t my father anymore, remember?” replied Sirius roughly and drank a whole bottle of Firewhiskey. Remus looked genuinely worried but instead of doing anything to keep him from drinking himself into a stupor he spent the night at his cottage. Completely drunk, Sirius burnt the letter.
***
It was in May that the idea of the Fidelius Charm came up or rather that’s when Dumbledore suggested it.
“Dumbledore offered himself as secret keeper,” said Lily, feeding mashed carrots to Harry.
“That’s good, I think,” answered Sirius slowly, still digesting the information. He wouldn’t be able to see his best friend and his family for a long time. Maybe he wouldn’t see them ever again.
“We don’t want Dumbledore, we want you,” James blurted out. “Would you…I mean, would you do it? It’s dangerous. Voldemort would be after you.”
Sirius stared at him for a long moment before roaring, “ARE YOU MAD, POTTER?” James jumped and Harry started to cry. “Sorry,” added Sirius contritely. “Prongs, you daft idiot, of course I’ll be your secret keeper.” Sirius looked out of the window and blinked his tears away. When he faced Lily and James again, he saw that James was doing the same. Sirius got up and pulled his best friend into a hug.
“Thanks, mate,” James whispered hoarsely.
“My pleasure,” answered Sirius shakily.
***
They were standing in the Longbottoms’ kitchen. Lily comforted Harry, who was crying, by humming a lullaby. James was frustrated, pacing up and down with short measures and tearing his hair. Sirius tried to calm him, while Peter was sitting in the corner, looking anxious and biting his nails.
Alice and Frank walked in shortly after. They had brought their son to bed.
“Can we stay overnight, Alice?” asked Lily, obviously agitated. They had hardly escaped this time. Sirius trembled at the thought of what could have happened if he and the Longbottoms had turned up only minutes later.
“Of course, Lils,” answered Alice.
“Damn it!” Frank cursed. “How do they always know where to find you?”
Sirius shot a quick glance at James. Neither James nor Lily had told anyone else of Dumbledore’s suspicion but of course, it was kind of obvious that someone informed Voldemort about the Potters’ whereabouts.
Peter cleared his throat and startled all of them. It was easy to forget about Peter.
“Erm, where’s Moony?” he asked and was rewarded with uncomfortable silence. Everyone knew that he had just asked much more. Peter shifted nervously on his chair.
“He lives in the middle of nowhere and he’s probably asleep,” said Sirius sharply. The full moon had been three days before and Peter knew that.
“Black,” said Alice, “let him talk.” Alice was an excellent Auror and had a sharp mind. She knew that something was left unsaid.
“It’s…I mean we’re…has anyone ever suspected Remus?” squeaked Peter anxiously.
“Lupin, the traitor?” Frank frowned.
“Well, I wasn’t supposed to tell you…but now I think that maybe he only told me to get an alibi, I really don’t want to assume-” stammered Peter.
“Out with it, Pettigrew!” said Alice determinedly. Sirius was alert. What was it that Peter wasn’t supposed to tell them?
“Last year, Remus got attacked by Death Eaters. In his cottage,” said Peter in a rush. Lily gasped.
“What?” was all Sirius managed to say.
“Yes, and he told me and I helped him fix his cottage. He…he made me promise not to tell anyone, especially not James and Sirius.”
“Why would he do that?” asked James doubtfully.
“He…well, one of them was Regulus,” said Peter, wringing his hands nervously. Sirius choked on the name. Regulus had attacked Remus? What the hell? “He said that he didn’t want to upset Padfoot and that Sirius would go after his brother if he knew…and I believed him at the time.”
“Sirius?” Alice looked at him expectantly.
“He would have been right. I would have killed the sneaky bastard,” admitted Sirius.
“So what changed your mind, Peter?” asked Lily silently.
“He’s never around when James and Lily get attacked. And remember the time after McKinnon’s funeral? He told us that the traitor could have been forced or blackmailed into betraying the Order.” Sirius remembered. Peter was apparently uncomfortable but they all knew he had a point. “So maybe they blackmailed him with his…condition,” ended Peter.
“What condition?” asked Alice curiously. Peter was about to say something but both, James and Sirius, hissed “NO!”, before he could utter a syllable.
“So Remus Lupin got attacked by Death Eaters but didn’t tell anyone but Peter,” resumed Alice.
“That’s strange but no proof. We’re all getting paranoid,” insisted Lily.
The discussion went on for over an hour until Alice declared that it was time to catch some sleep. Sirius left the house but didn’t take off immediately. Instead, he sat down on the pavement next to his motorbike, feeling very much like demolishing something. A warm hand on his shoulder startled him out of his brooding. Lily sat down beside him.
“I don’t believe it’s Remus,” she said softly. Sirius looked at her incredulously.
“What?”
“I don’t think he’s the traitor.” Lily looked at him and there was understanding in her green eyes.
“Why-” started Sirius but stopped as understanding dawned on him. “You know. He told you about…us.”
“Yes,” said Lily simply. “But that’s not the reason. You’ve seen him with Harry, you’ve seen how he looks at him, plays with him, talks to him.” Sirius nodded. “He couldn’t have pretended all that.”
Sirius took a deep breath. “You know…he’s pretending that we’re just friends in front of Peter and James. He insists that I keep my mouth shut, too. Remus is good at keeping secrets, Peter isn’t. He’s never been. I don’t…” Sirius shrugged helplessly and choked out a dry sob. “I…every time we’re together I watch him, interpreting every word he says…I love him,” Sirius said, startled at how easy the word passed his lips. “But I can’t trust him. The attack hasn’t been the first thing he kept from me.”
“But it’s Remus,” said Lily, apparently close to tears.
“Yeah, it’s Remus,” agreed Sirius through clenched teeth.
***
Sirius stared down at Remus, his grey eyes enigmatic, giving nothing away. They hadn’t talked properly to each other for months. Remus didn’t know what to do. Suddenly, he was the one who was shut out and he was so used to Sirius’ omniscient presence, his overwhelming attention, that he felt utterly lost and confused. Sure, he never visualised them staying together, they had certainly never made plans for the future. But he had always expected that there was going to be a break, a moment when Sirius turned away and told him that it was over. Well, this moment never came. Sirius stopped laughing with him but he didn’t stop watching Remus…or shagging him.
Their movements became faster and Remus was tempted to close his eyes and get lost in the feeling of Sirius moving inside him, against him. Just somehow he felt as if he were losing a battle would he give in and break their eye-contact now. Sirius’ breath grew erratic and a sweaty pool developed between their bellies. Remus dug his nails in Sirius’ back when he felt orgasm building up inside him. It felt so damn good.
“Moony,” Sirius panted, tossing his head back and groaning deeply.
Sirius, Remus thought but didn’t dare utter the name, as if there was an unknown magic about to break the spell. He was afraid that this was a nightmare but he was even more terrified at the thought of waking up alone.
And then it didn’t matter anymore and his worries disappeared in a colourful cloud of sparks behind his eyelids. Seconds later Sirius sagged onto him and their closeness was almost too much to bear. Remus folded his arms around Sirius’ back, holding on to the man he knew better than anyone else, the stranger he didn’t know at all. Sirius allowed this, a rare form of non-sexual intimacy.
Eventually, he rolled away, avoiding Remus’ eyes but pulling him close and entangling their limbs deliberately. Was he trying to hold on to a feeling withered a long time ago or was he trying to reassure himself and Remus that there was something, anything? Sirius’ lips were close to Remus’ ear and his breathing was soothing. How could he still feel at home in this man’s arms?
“Remus?” It was barely a whisper.
“Yes?” Remus whispered back. Maybe the silence protected them because words could shatter their closeness. Remus almost wished Sirius wouldn’t say anything at all, just hold him because their bodies didn’t lie or pretend.
“I…” Sirius started and Remus held his breath. There was an almost unbearable tension. Something was very close to being released, something that could change everything. Sirius sighed grievously and the tension disappeared, leaving a world of ifs. “I’m going to perform the Fidelius soon. I just wanted you to know that…well, we won’t see each other for quite some time.”
“I know,” said Remus, voice unsteady.
***
“I know,” Remus said and Sirius wanted nothing more than grab him by his shoulders and shake the truth out of him. He wanted to yell at him for making him doubt, wanted to tell him that he loved him. This was still his Remus. The boy, who had been too shy to say anything for a whole day in first year. The boy, who had been trembling uncontrollably when his friends cornered him in second year. This was Remus, who had forgiven him his betrayal in sixth year and listened patiently to his ramblings about his family.
But this was also the man who was so used to keeping secrets that he never trusted them, never trusted Sirius completely. This was Remus, werewolf and social outcast, the only Marauder who could possibly have a reason for betrayal. This was the man, who knew that Sirius was going to perform the Fidelius Charm on the Potters. Sirius felt torn apart by his love for Remus and the love for his best friend’s family. He would never forgive himself if his feelings for Remus blinded him enough to risk James’ life or worse, Harry’s, the boy who already looked so much like James.
This was the hardest thing he ever went through and it hurt more than the Cruciatus Curse when he finally said, “I just need you to take care of yourself, alright?”
He felt Remus nod against his neck and breathed a gentle kiss on his forehead, just as he had done when Remus’ father had died. He held his lover till the sun rose and then he slipped away, got dressed and left for Peter’s place.
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