Eye of Eleos chapter 69/
Bits of dialogue used or twisted from “Lovers Walk” written by Dan Vebber. Also bits from “Fool For Love” written by Douglas Petrie
Chapter 69
“She’s all around you, Spike. I look at you and all I see is the Slayer.” Dru rationalized her cheating once again having been caught with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’s uglier brother in flagrante delicto. This time it seemed final though and more than just a convenient excuse for a romp in the hay. Not just a bit of literal strange.
‘Wow, he did start having feelings for me early on! No wonder he was such a basket case when he came back to Sunnydale… both times!’ GhostBuffy smiled fondly now that she had a different perspective on those encounters. “That had to rock his whole world. All those decades with Dru, all he put up with! All the temptation he gave a pass to and suddenly she tells him that he loves ME, the Slayer!”
“You taste like ashes,” Dru pronounced sadly and made it clear that this really was goodbye.
“Not if I have anything to do with it sister! I know how to appreciate who he is,” Buffy vowed.
“But Dru, everything I did was for you,” Spike looked gutted and more than a bit terrified of being truly on his own with no hope of belonging ever again.
“He really did,” Buffy shook her head at Dru. “Made himself into what he thought you wanted, buried parts of himself as much as he could. I know it wasn’t your fault… you couldn’t appreciate him but I do hate seeing him so torn apart.”
Buffy thought about it once more, “Then again, if you hadn’t thrown him away he would never have let himself be mine no matter how attracted he might have been. He’s loyal and self-sacrificing and would have stayed with you until one of you was dust if you hadn’t made him leave.”
Dru looked towards GhostBuffy and gave a very slight nod and grin.
“She KNEW! Damn! She cut the ties like this because she knew he’d never go until she did. She gave him to me,” GhostBuffy’s eyes filled with tears of gratitude. “She did love him. She knew he needed more than she could ever give.”
“Sunshine can be clever. Can see the sparks. Can warm dead ‘earts. Can be… effulgent,” Dru whispered as if confiding a deep secret.
“Wazzat?” Spike looked around to see who Dru was talking to. The Chaos demon, Dru’s latest lover, shrugged in confusion.
“I said a girl deserves ‘er pleasures,” Dru said more audibly.
***
The trip north was painful to watch.
Buffy had to remind herself that he made it as she watched him take terrible chances driving drunk and ignoring the dangers of the sunshine.
She listened to him rant about how he was going to kill the ‘sodding Slayer and prove how wrong Dru was this time’ only to collapse into sobs and shaking in frustration and pain.
“Keep telling yourself that Spike,” Buffy smiled and giggled. “You didn’t even TRY when you got to town.”
***
Buffy watched Spike at the old burned-out factory that had been his Sunnydale home.
“Why did you do it, baby? Why did you leave me?” He smashed Dru’s left-behind doll then dropped the candlestick he’d used and fell to the ground in emotional agony. “Look what you’ve done to me.”
Next stop was Angel’s mansion where it had all gone to hell, actually, literally everything had nearly gone to hell. Spike glared at Angel as he struggled to make sense of one of his philosophy books. ‘Like the bloody Ponce has a clue about existentialism.’ Spike harumphed. ‘Likes to play the intellectual, tell himself how soddin’ superior he is. I remember havin’ to explain plenty to him back in the day. Lazy sod.’
Angel put aside the book by Sartre and left the room never noticing his grand-childe watching from the atrium.
“Think I’m afraid of you?” Spike wobbled drunkenly and grasped a pillar to keep upright. “We were happy. You brainwashed her… ruined her.”
Buffy watched as he turned and stumbled falling to the ground and passing out, vulnerable to everything and not caring.
The morning’s rays of sunlight caught his hand on fire and awakened the still inebriated vampire painfully. Buffy gasped as he plunged the flaming hand into the fountain preventing himself from immolating before her eyes.
Spike raced the sunbeams to the DeSoto, barely winning, and collapsed in the back seat. “This is just too much.”
Buffy hated seeing him hurting so badly yet couldn’t regret that Dru had ended things and given him freedom at long last.
***
Spike rummaged through the bottles littering the back seat until he found enough to top himself off once again. After all, he was a vampire on a mission!
Once addled sufficiently to remember his last thought, he headed for the local magic shop. ‘It’s all Angel’s fault. Brooding Bugger. Had to ruin both my girls.’ He didn’t even notice where that thought might take him if he examined it closely.
“I’m here for a curse.” Spike announced to the shopkeeper. Angel had it coming. He’d made Dru the mess she was, unable to commit and love back properly… BE loved properly. “He’s the one who brought the brilliant Slayer low too. Despoiler of women, a right Wanker and bane of my existence!”
The clerk tried to fend off Spike’s drunken demands for anything that would bring disaster to Angel, finally moving away to see to the new customer… Willow.
Spike watched as the budding witch purchased the ingredients for her “anti-love spell” and an idea took hold… well, a new idea at any rate.
The brilliant new plan took long enough to form roots that Willow was gone by the time Spike had dealt with the shopkeeper and sated his hunger at the same time.
***
He wound up at Sunnydale High just as the sun was setting.
“Yup, so much for hunting me down and taking me out. Too many plans at one time, Spike.” Buffy watched as Spike wandered the school, supposedly looking for her and talking to himself.
“Need to make Dru see,” he sobbed. “I’m nothing without her,” he sniffed. “Probly wouldn’t take me back even if I gift wrapped Buf… the Slayer… and laid her at Dru’s feet. “Make her a set of jewelry from all that spun gold of Breck Girl hair the Slayer’s got.” Spike got misty-eyed as he pictured Buffy’s hair gleaming in the sunlight; GOD how he loved her hair!
He wrapped himself in confused, silent misery trying to make sense of his stray thoughts and hidden, forbidden, desires. A noise caught his attention and he sat up and cocked his head listening to something GhostBuffy couldn’t hear. He got up and followed the sound.
“It’s a simple de-lusting spell. Easy-peasy. I do it and Oz and Cordy never need to know we had a little oopsie.”
Xander and Willow wore twin guilty expressions.
‘Well, well. What have we here?’ Spike grinned wickedly. ‘I spy with my little eye two very naughty little do-gooders.’
Buffy could see the wheels turn as Spike considered the possibilities. “I just got a better idea.”
Spike grabbed Xander before the boy even knew he was there. “I need to borrow the little girl. You don’t mind do you?”
Xander squirmed and tried to get out of Spike’s potentially deadly embrace to no avail.
Spike grabbed a microscope from the lab table next to Willow and clocked Harris into unconsciousness.
“You can’t leave him here like that! Anything could get him and he’s all knocked-out and defenseless,” Willow whined.
Spike shrugged and pulled the boy into a fireman’s hold.
***
Buffy watched as Spike laid Xander on the remains of Dru’s bed with surprising care.
“Need you to do a spell for me,” he growled at Willow.
“W-w-w-what kind?”
“A love spell, are you daft? I’m gonna get what’s mine back.”
Willow looked terrified and nervous.
“You can do it? Make Dru love me again?” Spike located a long lost bottle of Jack that had survived the fire the previous year and took a long swig.
“I can try.”
Spike exploded in drunken anger breaking the bottle and stalking over to the terrified girl.
“You’ll DO IT,” He yelled.
“Yes, I’ll do it,” Willow nodded rapidly.
Spike pointed the broken bottle at her, finally resting the jagged edge on her cheek. “You lie to me and I’ll shove this through your face all the way into your brain. You want that?”
“No!” Willow was frozen in terror.
Spike lowered the bottle not leaving so much as a scratch and began to sob piteously. “She wouldn’t even kill me.” He laid his head on Willow’s shoulder and cried out his grief. “Just left, didn’t care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire before she moved on. Is that too much to ask? Some sign that she cared?”
Buffy watched as the vampire continued crying on Willow’s tensed shoulder.
“I’ve heard over and over about the violence and the bottle and the threats,” Buffy shook her head. “Yeah, I can see why they were scared but they missed the important part. Spike could have just killed Xander. He didn’t need him for anything really, Willow was already scared enough to do what he wanted without a hostage. He didn’t even leave him at the school to be random vamp chow. He didn’t just dump him on the concrete floor either but put him on the bed all nice and comfy even if unconscious.”
She watched as Willow cowered in fear. “I DO get that he’s volatile here and his words were scary as hell but, gee, Willow, he didn’t even leave a single scratch! Over-react much once it was over? I mean the worst he did was threaten you and get your sweater soggy.”
Buffy sighed and admitted to herself that she was being a bit too hard on her friends. Spike could be very scary and they didn’t know him the way she did. SHE didn’t know him back then either for that matter. ‘Spike gets hurt and he lashes out in anger. It’s his defensive go-to. I don’t know why I ever told myself he had no real feelings. Spike is nothing BUT feelings, all kinds of them.’
***
GhostSpike watched as Buffy showed her test scores to a surprised but pleased Willow.
‘Course the girl tested well. She’s bloody brilliant you nit! Think you’re the only one with brains? YOU,” he glared at Willow, “study all the time. You get to do those extra projects. You don’t have to go out every night and kill the nasties then try to catch a bit of sleep before school. Ever occur to you that for Buffy to get passin’ grades she had to be as bleedin’ smart as you?’
Giles was impressed with her high score and suggested that with Faith there at the Hellmouth Buffy could consider taking advantage and enjoying a bit of that normal life for her college years. Joyce was over the moon and already planning on what path Buffy should follow.
Joyce was going on about what school offered a decent design curriculum and another with a fine history department. “You like history don’t you?”
Naturally, she didn’t wait to find out just what subjects Buffy actually DID enjoy or career she might find enticing. ‘Sounds like your college choices, Joyce. Gotta stop tryin’ to live your life over through Buffy. You’re a nice lady as I recall but you can’t do that to her. Everyone else wants to mold her into what they want, she needs you to just love her as she is, support her wants and needs.’
No one seemed to notice that Buffy’s reaction wasn’t one of pride or joy. They didn’t see that she couldn’t just walk away from Sunnydale. It wasn’t just the patrolling, it was Angel. Who would take care of him?
***
Buffy took a pile of college brochures with her as she trudged to Angel’s mansion. The idea of going far away from him felt like a death sentence. They couldn’t be together but couldn’t be apart either.
Evidently Angel didn’t have quite the same problem. Spike watched Buffy’s face fall as Angel suggested it was a good idea for her to leave Sunnydale and go to University elsewhere. “It’s a good opportunity,” he’d said and he was right.
He had the nerve to look confused and a bit hurt when Buffy cut their evening short and left.
“Poor lamb.” Spike watched her slow walk back towards the school, shoulders hunched, the weight of everything on her shoulders. “Miserable Berk should have left her soon as he got to full strength. He’s holdin’ her back when he knows he can never give her what she wants. Now he’s pushin’ her away same time as he holds her close. Confusion’ her even more.”
Between her abandonment issues, the fairy-tale view of their misbegotten relationship, Buffy’s eternal fear of failure, and disappointing those she loved, it was no wonder she was so wound up. “Buffy’s the kind to give undying love. Like me, figures that once you love someone it’s till the end of forever. Doesn’t get how someone can just walk away. Problem is, not everyone loves like that.”
Spike watched her deal with the panicked Cordy and Oz who had run in to report Willow and Xander as no-shows for their bowling double date. Naturally, everyone assumed the worst given it was a Tuesday and it had been quiet all day until then.
Buffy gathered weapons and sent the pair off to collect Giles who was on a mini-retreat.
‘Sorry, pet. Didn’t mean to scare you. Just wanted to stop hurtin’. Woulda let them go right quick and safe as houses.’
The phone rang and Buffy answered only to overhear Spike’s voice as he entered her mother’s kitchen.
GhostSpike was stricken seeing the terror on Buffy’s face. ‘Wish she’d realized I’d never hurt her mum. Don’t play that way. Glad she knows that now.’
***
Spike was a sodden mess. Joyce poured hot chocolate and he poured out his heart.
GhostBuffy had to give her mom credit, she seemed pretty nonplussed listening to the long tale of vampires and chaos demons and infidelity. “I thought we were going to make up, you know?” Spike cried.
“She sounds very unreasonable,” Joyce commiserated. “Sometimes two people just take different paths in life, Spike.”
“No, this is different! We were eternal!” Spike didn’t quite yell, but made Joyce jump a bit anyway. He lifted the cup and gazed into it as if it held all the answers to life’s problems. “Do you have any of those little marshmallows?”
“Let me go look,” Joyce smiled. Really the poor boy was just a broken-hearted mess and needed a bit of tender loving care.
Angel showed up and bellowed at Joyce to let him in, warning her of how dangerous Spike was but Joyce was having none of it. She KNEW how dangerous Angel was. This boy was being a perfect gentleman even if he was clearly intoxicated.
“You can’t trust him! Invite me in!” Angel growled. “You touch her and I’ll cut your head off.” He bounced off the barrier once again as Spike mimed biting Joyce clearly enjoying the fact he had an invitation and Angel did not.
“You and what army?”
“That would be me,” both Buffy’s said aloud, the ghostly version with a smile, unlike her corporeal doppelganger.
***
“You really were pushing it,” GhostBuffy laughed at Spike as they watched the scene play out.
“Your mum had good sense though not wantin’ him to have access. Too bad you invited him in.”
“Yeah, I was still young and foolish back then,” Buffy agreed. “It also wasn’t right for me to invite someone into my mom’s house that she clearly didn’t want there. All I could think of was that she was in danger.” She smiled at Spike. “Now I know better. That’s why you still have an open invitation by the way. I guess deep down I knew you weren’t going to really hurt her.”
Spike was gobsmacked. “I do?”
“Yeah, never did a disinvite” She let out a gasp of a laugh. “I didn’t even think of it actually. Weird. I suppose I always did know you on some level even back then.”
“And Angel?”
“He’s got one too, but when we’re done with this spell I’m thinking that needs to change. He’s in LA but with that slippery soul I’m not going to take any chances.”
“Wise thinking.”
“Enough old history. We have a little while to enjoy each other while our past plays out. I vote we let them do their thing and we do ours.”
Spike wiggled his eyebrows and grinned. “Not sure whatall we can do. I’m just glad the touch seems to work.”
Buffy blushed, “Well I’d rather wait for full-contact sports to begin until we have our actual bodies to play the game, but kissage and all are a definite to-do.” Buffy moved close. “Don’t want to waste too much time doing a past-life review.”
Spike needed no urging and swept her into his arms. Instead of plundering her hungry lips though he first reverently kissed her forehead then each closed eye-lid and the tip of her nose before tenderly, teasingly, brushing her lips with his.
Buffy groaned in impatience and used her tongue to toy with his upper lip eliciting a growl. “Not playin’ fair, love. Wanna taste you proper.”
“So, taste.” And he did.
The magic that moved their ghostly bodies to travel with their former corporeal ones wasn’t nearly as potent as the magic of their kiss.
Buffy parted her lips and opened her soul to draw him in, twining with his essence, combining into something stronger than its parts.
Her tongue slipped in deftly on a sigh as his gave a caress of welcome.
‘Tastes like honey,’ he decided as he gave his eager reply to her invited invasion.
This was no duel of tongues seeking dominance, but the sensuous slide of caressing, questioning exploration of lovers long denied the pleasure of touching their beloved this way.
Spike groaned and drew her deeper into his arms as Buffy’s clever tongue found and teased his concealed fangs. ‘Keep that up, sweetheart, and you’ll be dealin’ with the buggers full out.’ Somehow he didn’t think she would be repelled.
As if she had read his mind, she probed the area more thoroughly. ‘Never got to do this with Angel. The first time he kissed me he went into game face before we even parted our lips! After that, he had a tight lid on his demon side when kissing me as if he was afraid he’d switch from a devouring kiss to just plain devouring. Spike’s different, but I knew that. He kisses with all that he is and that includes the demon.’ She liked it.
Spike broke the kiss in a desperate desire for an unneeded breath before diving back in with a low growl.
Buffy laughed delightedly before plundering his willing mouth and taking charge. Clearly, Spike didn’t have an issue with letting her be the one calling the shots.
Hands joined mouths in playful exploration as if the kisses had granted permission for full-on touch. Both the ghostly beings were starved for all of it, had been even before they found themselves captives of Eleos’ spell.
They were as well mated in passion as they were in everything else to the surprise of neither of them. Neither was shyness permitted as they each sought to memorize the other’s body as if learning braille.
Buffy felt like she would explode into flames as Spike’s deft fingers plucked her nipples with just the right amount of pressure and broke the kiss on a gasp. Spike’s lips immediately pursued hers in an attempt to recapture his won territory with more exploration.
“We really need to pace ourselves,” Buffy puffed out as she evaded his persuasive mouth. “What if we go where this is heading only to get dragged apart right at the good part?”
“This is pretty good right here,” Spike pouted and ran his hand over her breast lightly causing Buffy to shiver in pleasure.
“I want plenty of time when we get there, Spike. I know it’ll be mind-blowingly good and I want to savor, not be having to think about how much time we have.”
Spike sighed in disappointed agreement. He could think of nothing as torturous as the image of finally being buried deep in the woman he adored only to be yanked away by the spell. ‘Make me as crazy as Dru, that would.’
Buffy fondled his abs and placed a gentle kiss where his neck joined his shoulder in physical apology. She’d never wanted this spell to end as badly as she did just then. “Know I want you. Know we’ll have each other.”
Spike grinned wickedly. “Always knew you were a goddess, pet. Figures you’d be one of the best kind.”
Buffy laughed and gave him a quick closed mouth kiss to seal the promise.
“Gotta say… even better than under Willow’s last spell, and I spent a lot of time in deep denial over those kisses,” Buffy admitted.
“What about all the ‘Ick, lips of Spike’ you were sayin’?” Spike remembered well how he’d echoed those same thoughts once it seemed obvious that Buffy had hated his touch under the magic. ‘Hurt pride,’ he reminded himself. ‘Didn’t want the girl to know how that spell ending had gutted me.’
“Yeah, well… THAT Buffy grew the hell up,” she grinned. “I didn’t even convince myself with that back then. I’m sorry, now, if I convinced you.”
“That was a nice spell,” Spike recalled fondly. “Least it was for me. Never been happier.”
“Me too. I felt so complete and so in love.”
“Love didn’t come from the spell, pet,” Spike pointed out.
“Well, maybe not for you based on what I’ve seen here about how you already were feeling but I had a way to go.”
“Dunno. Witch only wished us engaged, not in love. That was our own private magic at work there.”
Buffy thought about that for a moment, “Huh!” She tilted her head in a very Spike-like way. “I hadn’t thought about it but you’re right. Maybe it didn’t take a century for me to have the desire, just to realize what I was already feeling and admit it to myself.”
“Not like I was too eager to put myself out there either.”
Buffy looked deeply into his eyes. He looked as amazed and gobsmacked as she felt. She snuggled into his embrace, loving the feel of his enfolding arms. ‘Just right. Not too much or too little. Holding me like a precious treasure… firm and secure. Makes me feel like the strong woman I am and not a child or something fragile to put behind glass.’
He wasn’t fragile either. It was lovely to hold him close without worrying or having him gasp in pain and remind her of her strength. She remembered all the times Giles and Xander had winced and begged her to remember they needed to breathe.
“I’ve had a hundred plus year intro to all things Spike, so no big surprise that I’ve come to love you.”
Spike ducked his head shyly and let out a startled burst of laughter. “It’s a surprise to me. Never had THAT happen before. Even me mu… never mind.”
Buffy drew back and forced him to look into her eyes. “Hey! None of that. Your mom DID love you, she adored you. That was a newly risen demon out to inflict pain not how she really felt. Remember I was there, I saw.”
“Yeah, well I’m the vampire love. I know first hand that mum was still in there. Your Council’s got it wrong and you know it. Human isn’t replaced.”
“True, but think back to the first few days after being turned,” Buffy insisted willing him to listen closely and find healing. “Takes a vampire a while to work out what part is going to be in charge, doesn’t it? Face it, some just hand all the power over to the demon. Some, like Angel, aren’t too different from the human to start with and just enjoy the greater strength and freedom. YOU kept the parts of William that were important to you. Vampires make choices from the start once the initial bloodlust passes. Not always good choices I admit but choices anyway. You didn’t let yourself just go on instinct, hand it all over to the demon’s desires.”
“You sayin’ mum chose to be a right bitch to me?” Spike didn’t like that idea at all. It was as bad as what the demon in his mother’s body had suggested. He looked so terribly vulnerable that Buffy decided to completely lance the wound if she could.
“No. I think your mom was sick a long time with an illness that left her very weak. Too weak to take control. The demon could and it did. It walked all over her and didn’t let her make any choices except to wound you in a power play. Maybe it knew you were just a fledge yourself and it was all a dominance thing… hit you where it would hurt the most and get one over on you even though you were the sire.”
Spike looked at the floor clearly not accepting this explanation.
“I was looking right at her when she dusted, Spike. Just before she was gone, she had such a look of peace and love on her face. She was THERE! She loved you and understood what you had done and why. She was glad you freed her from the demon,” Buffy gently touched his cheek and wiped at the wetness there. “She loved you.”
Spike’s haunted face had a glimmer of hope at those words. He hadn’t been looking at his mother once the stake went in, couldn’t bear it. “Suppose all mums have to love their children.” He was hedging, still too afraid to fully believe, to forgive himself from double-matricide.
“No, they really don’t.” Buffy shook her head sadly. The whole motherly instinct thing was a fable as far as she had witnessed in her long time of watching and processing. “They SHOULD, but they don’t always. Lots of selfish people, who shouldn’t have kids, do. Keeps psychiatrists and therapists in business and makes the world a bigger mess than it would have to be. Tons of damaged kids grow up to be horrible adults.”
“Not sayin’ they’re perfect. Know there’s a lot of messed up kids who turn out to be even more messed up adults, but think they do love as best as they can anyway.”
Buffy knew he was thinking more of Dru than Anne with that observation. There was a bit of truth there. Maybe it wasn’t a lack of love but that that the love just wasn’t the kind needed in the end.
“Maybe yes, maybe no. But again, it’s about choices. Like how Xander’s parents choose to drink and be physically abusive to each other and to him instead of helping Xan be the best he can be. He’s damaged and it’s mostly because they either don’t love him or don’t love him enough to make HIM more important than their own issues, pick him over the booze and drama.”
Spike blinked. “That his story? Guess it’s not just him bein’ a bloody wanker then.”
Buffy smiled sadly, “No. I cut him a lot of slack… too much. I’ve been enabling him and that’s not good love either. Gonna go with a healthier love when we get out of this spell. He has a lot of good in him but needs to be called on his shit by those who DO love him.
“Wil needs some tough love too. Her parents are mostly absent. They told her she’s brilliant, and she is. Then they turned her loose expecting her brains to make the right choices even though she’s still growing, still a kid in some ways. Biggest brains in the world can still be emotionally immature. She’s terrified of making wrong choices, of not living up to their expectations. She is scared of disappointing them, or not making them proud.”
Buffy shook her head at the direction the whole conversation had taken. ‘Really made a hard left at Albuquerque there, Buffy! This is OUR time.’
She smiled at Spike and kissed him softly again. “But… hey, got off-topic here. Plenty of time to deal with my friends and their issues later. Now’s just about US.”
“Us,” Spike whispered his face soft and worshipful. He had that look in his eyes, that expression that Buffy could only define as pure love. “Us,” he whispered the magical word again as if it were a foreign one that he’d just learned and already cherished.
“Yeah… us. So… I know how I got here, loving you. How’d you let go of your century of devotion to Dru and decide you love me? You’ve only been hanging around less than twenty years watching me and not everything you saw was very love inducing as I remember.”
Spike smirked, “Good you admit I CAN love. Big improvement right there,” he teased.
Buffy rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “I always knew that you could even when I tried to say it was something else. I saw your devotion to Dru, how you took her as she is. No demands for her to change or asking for more than she could give. I’ve seen how you love. Unconditional and full-out.”
“I don’t know any other way to love,” Spike said then smiled as he realized he was subconsciously quoting from a rather apt poem. “Wish I was a fraction of the poet who used THAT line. Between the shadow and the soul indeed. Perfect, that one.”
“Huh?”
“I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries
The light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,
And thanks to your love, the tight aroma that arose
From the earth lives dimly in my body.”
“You make me near alive, Buffy. Every cell.”
“Did you just write a poem to me?”
Spike laughed. “No, pet. Anything I’d come up with would be utter rubbish, you should know that. Neruda wrote that one. Wrote a lot of ‘em that bring you to mind.”
“No, you’re not a bad poet. Some just weren’t all polished yet. Not bad at all. But,” She snuggled into him. “You’re an even better poet with your actions than words when it comes to love.”
“Yeah, my words are usually utter shite.”
“Stop!” Buffy glared at him. “They aren’t and I’m not going to listen to you insult someone I love like that! Just the regular way you talk sometimes, when you aren’t posturing, is poetry.”
He looked at her in shocked awe.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think and grow and process. I’m not some High School girl drawn to some romance novel or chick flick images of love. That sort of thing made Angel so appealing when he should have been… appalling.”
Spike laughed at her wordplay and wished Angel could hear her now.
Buffy laughed with him with the sort of joy only love creates. She pointed out the scene playing out around them with their corporeal selves. Listening in amusement as that Spike pontificated on what real love was and how she and Angel could never be friends. “Well you got part of it right at least. He and I would never like each other enough to be friends, not if we recognized who we really were, what we were really like. Yeah, I guess love is in the blood, it makes you alive and is a part of you.”
Buffy thought back to all those she’d loved, who loved her. “My dad loved me but the reasons he loved me were all self-involved. He had an image of himself and of his perfect offspring bringing pride to his image. He tried to make me… hell, I tried to make me that girl. He didn’t want me as I am. That’s why it was easy to leave and not look back. His love was selfish and all about him in the end, not me.
“Mom loves me. It’s not selfish like dad’s but it’s still tied up with her own dreams. I need a long talk with her when we get back. She’s got a confused idea about what a happy life looks like for me. That’s what she DOES want… me happy. The problem is that it’s her definition.
“She had this whole plan of a loving, successful, husband and kids. A picket fence, summer house on a lake and growing old together, playing with a yard full of grandkids. But, that’s HER dream. Part of her feels like she blew it with dad… with me. She wants me to have all her happies for her.
“She isn’t being selfish but she IS projecting. She’s never asked me what I want, what I need. Maybe because I’m only starting in life and she figures she knows best. But I’m not a kid anymore.
“The whole Slayer gig scares her and I get that. Short shelf-life and all.”
Spike growled and pulled her closer as if daring all the gods to take Buffy from the world.
“Any mom would want something else for their kid. My first real relationship being such a disaster and mixed up with the supernatural isn’t going to help,” Buffy sighed imagining the conversation she was going to eventually have to have with Joyce Summers.
“When we’re back, she’ll have to deal with the fact that I’m fully as mature as she is and I know my own mind. Not just about you,” Buffy squeezed his bicep possessively. “I AM the Slayer. I don’t just slay. I’m okay with that even though I plan to change a lot about how that’ll play out. I protect the humans from the creatures our laws can’t deal with. I keep the balance. I plan to do it right and do it for a long time.
“I don’t want her idea of Carol Brady and that life. That life doesn’t really exist anyway outside of fiction.
“I want… I NEED… a partner in every way. One who accepts and can keep up with ALL of me and still love me at the end of the day. I want someone I don’t have to worry about becoming a casualty of what I do… not like Pike or Owen would have been eventually.” It was nice knowing Spike knew those references without her having to explain.
“I don’t want to be someone’s Supergirl or Wonder Woman who has to always be the perfect hero, make NO mistakes or bad calls. Can’t be vulnerable or needy at times.” She thought about Xander and his crush especially with that.
Giles had a bit of that attitude as well lately. Maybe it was the series of lies when Angel returned that changed their dynamic so much, or the eroded trust on both sides between Angel on her part and the Cruciamentum on his. Whatever the cause, Giles was not nearly as forgiving when she screwed up.
“I don’t want to be treated like a child who has to be led, who needs correction and guidance to fit some ideal, some porcelain statue with superpowers meant for some grand destiny like Angel wanted.” She really hated being nothing more than the carrot on the end of a stick for Angel.
“I want someone who can love all my bits, the good, the bad, the tender, the bitchy… Someone who sees ME and accepts me, not just parts of me.” She stared deeply into Spike’s eyes making it clear she was describing him. “Someone who doesn’t leave.”
She kissed him deeply, reverently.
“I need YOU. How could I NOT love someone who is capable of being all that?”
Spike gulped. “That’s a boatload of manly responsibility you just put on me.” No one had ever valued what he had to offer before. He only prayed he could deliver, not be yet another disappointment for this glorious girl.
Buffy laughed, “You’re up for it. Hey! It’s your natural instinctual nature, remember I’ve been watching. No changes necessary. The only part about you being a vampire that I’d have to insist on is no killing innocents but you even had a handle on that when you wanted to before the chip. You were never an out of control monster. We can figure out your dining options later.
Spike faked a pout, “Guess it’s piggy for me.”
“We’ll see. Lot’s of options out there.”
“The chip fixed that,” he said with sadness.
“The chip goes once we’re back. I won’t have you vulnerable and at the mercy of any human who takes it in their head to hurt you.”
Spike was as stunned by this announcement as he had been her declaration of love. To have Buffy’s trust was no small thing. He would never betray that and he sealed that unspoken promise with a kiss filled with all the love he held for her.
His lips covered hers hungrily as if to brand her as his physically, knowing their time together was coming to a close far too soon.
Buffy ran her hands over his torso as if to memorize every inch of his form to treasure while they were apart. The thought of all the long time before they’d be together again elicited a sob from her as they moved slightly away from each other in preparation for their parting.
“Gonna be objections and obstacles, pet. Not as easy as you make it sound. May be a stake or crossbow in my future.”
“I’m not a teenager, I’m a grown woman… an old woman in a young body. I’m not going to be like Anya and let them treat me like I’m less than I am. Let them define me or order me around, put me in their mold. I’m not a push-over wallowing in guilt and insecurity anymore either. I know what I need. I know WHO I want. I know you can give me all I ever dreamed of and more and we can build the world we want together. There’s a new sheriff in town and I make the calls.”
The familiar slight dizziness heralded their imminent parting as they kissed in desperation. Buffy tried to be strong remembering it was a long while before Spike returned to Sunnydale. This would be the longest time apart since they were reunited in ghostly form and it was going to be hard.
Buffy sniffed and her eyes welled with tears. “I hate this! You left town and it was months before you came back for that gem.”
Spike smiled slyly, “You might be surprised.”
“Huh?”
***
Spike took deep, unneeded breaths. Being parted from Buffy was like a physical rending now. Still, he basked in something he’d never had in his entire existence… hope.
It was a bit anti-climatic watching as Buffy tried to break things off with Angel. He had to laugh when he heard Buffy say, “I can fool Giles, I can fool my friends, but I can’t fool myself… or Spike for some reason,” as she tried to explain that they needed to stay away from one another. His words about love and friendship had taken root it seemed.
“That I do, love. Even more now. Always knew my girl,” Spike preened.
He growled as Angel convinced Buffy not to walk away, refusing to accept her decision.
“Naturally, has to be the one to call ALL the shots even the endings. Okay for him to end it, to walk off and leave everyone behind. Nobody gets to leave Angel though… Berk!” Spike glared and felt sadness that Buffy had to experience abandonment once more instead of being allowed to end things as she should. “Poor battered heart. Least she’s finally healed. Never gonna get broken again either.”
Spike watched Angel give his best sad-cow eyes as he knew his protestations had worked and he still had the girl.
“Tick tock, Wanker. Time’s almost up.”
A/N
Victorian hair jewelry
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/news/2016/02/160211-victorian-hair-art-work-jewelry-death-history/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hair_jewellery
Breck girl
https://www.pinterest.com/christine2350/breck-shampoo-girls/
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/breck-girls-60936753/
SAT scores and what is considered a good one
https://blog.prepscholar.com/what-is-a-good-sat-score-a-bad-sat-score-an-excellent-sat-score
Left turn at Albuquerque
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Awu7g7eQbdc&feature=youtu.be
One Hundred Love Sonnets by Pablo Neruda
https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/one-hundred-love-sonnets-by-pablo-neruda
Linked last time but also referenced in this chapter in bits of thought about Buffy's difficulties letting go of Angel.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201708/10-reasons-some-people-just-cant-let-go-ex
The best of Carol Brady (Brady Bunch) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAp4anybYio&feature=youtu.be