"Everything can be ignored, but at what cost, and for long..."
So yeah, this isn't a good post, so if I were you (me not being you, whoever you are is the reason for this post, I guess), I'd skip this one and go up a little bit. After this one, I have some weird post, and there's a Street Fighter 2 CE picture and comments about stuff, a real party or something. Read that one. That one's cool. This one only exists because I want to be able to drive, and I can't drive when I have overwhleming thought like this, so I'm putting them out in an "open" forum ("open" because no one reads this except 3 people at the most, but I convince myself it counts as getting things off my chest) so I can forget them, because that's the way I work. Well, here goes I guess. Last door out:
So there are a bunch of things going through my head right now, most of which I hope to address right now, so I might as well start. First off, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the drive I never took to Torrance. I slept far too late into the day on the day I told myself I was going on, and I still haven't done it, but that isn't really the point. The point is that I am spending way too much damn time thinking about a time in my life I didn't like much (wow, what a difference from the 8 years since), and I think I'm beginning to realize why.
First off, the reason I hated Torrance was because while going to grade school there, I was still living in Westminster, so since school and home were so far away from each other, I never really developed any good friendships, or the skills normally gained from human interraction in those years. Instead, I spent 5 years of my life (1st-5th grade) staring at a wall, reading and doing math, but not math homework because it wasn't advanced enough. Instead of going to birthday parties or Chuck 'E' Cheese or having fun with kids I didn't know and lived an hour away from, I just sat in my room and grew older. By the time I left Torrance and started going to school in Westminster, all the kids had grown up from being driven about to riding bikes to the mall and wasting their allowance on arcade games, and I was just a foriegn exchange student from down the 405 who stayed too long and got kicked out of GATE each year because he didn't do the homework, even though I could have done it in my sleep. I was just like everyone else there, I just never got a chance.
So why would I want to go back, even if only for a day if I knew no one there and hated the memories I have of the place? Simply because the life I live right now I could easily be living anywhere else, and since that's the only other place I know, I tried to go there because I thought that maybe in a day I could spark some crap and get a life going. Sure it's stupid, but i really don't care right now because my life is boring and shitty and i don't really have much here, so why not try somehwere else, even if only for a day.
For all of highschool, I blaimed every failure I encountered on my OCD, and it worked because I could simply blaim it on the disease I didn't yet know I had and then forget it, but that's getting old now, and I haven't had this OCD all my life since you can't get the shit until after puberty or later (I read it's a change that happens triggered by a gene or something that affects your nervous system, but it's bundled in with the stuff for puberty or later, so you don't know if you have it until all that happens). When I was in 1st grade I didn't have OCD, and I was the damn same, no friends or nothing, so instead of trying, I simply gave up and spent the next 4 years accepting that the next 4 years would be shit. I tried to be happy and friendly every once in a while, but it ripped my hand off and spit it right back at me, so I just cowered, and now I'm pretty sure I'm doing the exact same thing. Before, if I didn't blame it on the OCD, I could simply avoid it by concentrating more on school or some other part of my life, one of my lifes in a life if you will, but now, I only have one life, sitting at home and doing nothing but thinking about how crappy I am as a person, so I simply try to sleep the day away so I don't have to spend as much time dwelling in all this shit.
These days, it's hard to look at the positives in life any more because I can't really see any as I've pretty much ruined my life. I have two friends total, no more, no less; I wasted the past 4 years doing nothing but staring at walls, the same thing I've been doing for the past 19; I missed out on everything I'm told by television I was suppossed to do in highschool, no prom, no highschool sweetheart, no happy blissful days, I don't even have a fucking diploma, and I never will; I waste my time not thinking, not writing, not doing anything creative or important, just sitting here wondering if I actually exist. That's the worst part, of all the things I know, of all the intelligence I suppossedly have, I spend my time wondering if I even exist, and trying to prove to myself that I don't because it's easier. I used to think it was everyone else, that they just weren't seeing something, that I wasn't being liked because I was too over their heads or something, but I'm not, I just suck as a person, at being interesting or being likeable, because that has to be the reason I only have two friends in the entire fucking world, two people I actually communicate with out of the hundreds or thousands of people I've met in 19 years of life. Anyone who reads my entries and the replies knows that I recently pissed off Melissa from Lj last month or the month before that, which was really fucking smart of me, but that was just another example. I met her once and had a fucking blast with someone who had an interesting life, and then didn't even communicate with her for 9 months. She was great fun to talk to, but I was fucking boring or whatever I am, and then I go and make sure she will never talk to me again because I was angry. Say what you will about what was said in the 71 comments, but she's probably a nice person, I have no idea. All I know is that she has a job, friends, a life and attends school while I sit at home and try to sleep for 12 hours so I don't have to be awake, thinking in my mind about political ways to help people who can't even fucking help themselves and wondering if I exist and where I went wrong and trying not to cry, because I do that to, and often, because I've got no fucking idea as to what I'm suppossed to be doing, but I do know I'm nowhere near it.
"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsucessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."
Calvin Coolidge
I'm suppossedly related to Calvin Coolidge on my dad's mom's side, something like that, and I'm quite sure that, looking down, the bastard isn't proud of me at all. I gave up on most forms of trying after 18 years of no results, and most other forms scare me because I can't handle failure anymore since it will just increase what my OCD does to me and the control it has over me. I'm a junior college dropout and my biggest dream right now is falling asleep happy for the first time in a good amount of times, and even that is too much to ask for. Sure, I can be happy at some moments in my life, and when I wake up tomorrow, I probably wont remember for a couple of minutes even writing this, but when I lay down in my bed, that's the time the shit really hits the fan because I just lay there with my eyes closed and my brain forces all the failure of my life on me. For once, I'd like to be able to fight back with actual existing happiness, but that isn't looking to happen anytime soon. This isn't something that can be cured by going out more often and getting a milkshake or some other stereotypical thing, it's going to be cured by me getting some sort of idea as to what I'm suppossed to be fucking doing with my life as well as some more permanent form of happiness and some more forms of life. When that happiness comes though, I don't know if I'll have any more of a clue as to what I'm suppossed to be doing, it would just be nice to have it for a change though. I can't look back on the prom I never went to or the diploma I'll never get or the academic awards I was suppossed to get and wish I had, because I can't. That's just a part of life I'll never have back, so I've got to move on and find happiness in the now, which is a lot easier said than done. I need to become good at something besides ruining my own life, because that seems to be all I'm good at right now since it's all I really do (I don't write, I don't do any math, which I love, as anti-social as that is, I don't play videogames or anything I normally enjoy, I just think and destroy my life). I was suppossed to register for Goldenwest again in April, but I didn't find out until last week, and even then, I'd wake up, think about my day in college, and turn over and sleep. Yeah, Calvin Coolidge would be proud of me, an anti-social loner who ruins his own life because he's afraid of failure so much he can't try. Hurray for me. I'm suppossedly going to register tomorrow, and I most likely will since I told my parents tomorrow was the first day it happened, but maybe not, I don't know anymore, and I'm not even sure if I care either. I'm going to be 20 in 6 months, and I've done nothing my whole life and have an equal amount to show for it, hurray. I just know I'm fucking tired of being told I can be doing so much more or that I'm overreacting, even though those are both most likely true. If the answers are that easy, then I deserve what I have, so I might as well dweel in it a little bit longer.
I'm not sure, looking back on this, if I said anything I was searching to say, but I might as well end this now anyways. Here's an inspirational picture:
So there are a bunch of things going through my head right now, most of which I hope to address right now, so I might as well start. First off, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the drive I never took to Torrance. I slept far too late into the day on the day I told myself I was going on, and I still haven't done it, but that isn't really the point. The point is that I am spending way too much damn time thinking about a time in my life I didn't like much (wow, what a difference from the 8 years since), and I think I'm beginning to realize why.
First off, the reason I hated Torrance was because while going to grade school there, I was still living in Westminster, so since school and home were so far away from each other, I never really developed any good friendships, or the skills normally gained from human interraction in those years. Instead, I spent 5 years of my life (1st-5th grade) staring at a wall, reading and doing math, but not math homework because it wasn't advanced enough. Instead of going to birthday parties or Chuck 'E' Cheese or having fun with kids I didn't know and lived an hour away from, I just sat in my room and grew older. By the time I left Torrance and started going to school in Westminster, all the kids had grown up from being driven about to riding bikes to the mall and wasting their allowance on arcade games, and I was just a foriegn exchange student from down the 405 who stayed too long and got kicked out of GATE each year because he didn't do the homework, even though I could have done it in my sleep. I was just like everyone else there, I just never got a chance.
So why would I want to go back, even if only for a day if I knew no one there and hated the memories I have of the place? Simply because the life I live right now I could easily be living anywhere else, and since that's the only other place I know, I tried to go there because I thought that maybe in a day I could spark some crap and get a life going. Sure it's stupid, but i really don't care right now because my life is boring and shitty and i don't really have much here, so why not try somehwere else, even if only for a day.
For all of highschool, I blaimed every failure I encountered on my OCD, and it worked because I could simply blaim it on the disease I didn't yet know I had and then forget it, but that's getting old now, and I haven't had this OCD all my life since you can't get the shit until after puberty or later (I read it's a change that happens triggered by a gene or something that affects your nervous system, but it's bundled in with the stuff for puberty or later, so you don't know if you have it until all that happens). When I was in 1st grade I didn't have OCD, and I was the damn same, no friends or nothing, so instead of trying, I simply gave up and spent the next 4 years accepting that the next 4 years would be shit. I tried to be happy and friendly every once in a while, but it ripped my hand off and spit it right back at me, so I just cowered, and now I'm pretty sure I'm doing the exact same thing. Before, if I didn't blame it on the OCD, I could simply avoid it by concentrating more on school or some other part of my life, one of my lifes in a life if you will, but now, I only have one life, sitting at home and doing nothing but thinking about how crappy I am as a person, so I simply try to sleep the day away so I don't have to spend as much time dwelling in all this shit.
These days, it's hard to look at the positives in life any more because I can't really see any as I've pretty much ruined my life. I have two friends total, no more, no less; I wasted the past 4 years doing nothing but staring at walls, the same thing I've been doing for the past 19; I missed out on everything I'm told by television I was suppossed to do in highschool, no prom, no highschool sweetheart, no happy blissful days, I don't even have a fucking diploma, and I never will; I waste my time not thinking, not writing, not doing anything creative or important, just sitting here wondering if I actually exist. That's the worst part, of all the things I know, of all the intelligence I suppossedly have, I spend my time wondering if I even exist, and trying to prove to myself that I don't because it's easier. I used to think it was everyone else, that they just weren't seeing something, that I wasn't being liked because I was too over their heads or something, but I'm not, I just suck as a person, at being interesting or being likeable, because that has to be the reason I only have two friends in the entire fucking world, two people I actually communicate with out of the hundreds or thousands of people I've met in 19 years of life. Anyone who reads my entries and the replies knows that I recently pissed off Melissa from Lj last month or the month before that, which was really fucking smart of me, but that was just another example. I met her once and had a fucking blast with someone who had an interesting life, and then didn't even communicate with her for 9 months. She was great fun to talk to, but I was fucking boring or whatever I am, and then I go and make sure she will never talk to me again because I was angry. Say what you will about what was said in the 71 comments, but she's probably a nice person, I have no idea. All I know is that she has a job, friends, a life and attends school while I sit at home and try to sleep for 12 hours so I don't have to be awake, thinking in my mind about political ways to help people who can't even fucking help themselves and wondering if I exist and where I went wrong and trying not to cry, because I do that to, and often, because I've got no fucking idea as to what I'm suppossed to be doing, but I do know I'm nowhere near it.
"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsucessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."
Calvin Coolidge
I'm suppossedly related to Calvin Coolidge on my dad's mom's side, something like that, and I'm quite sure that, looking down, the bastard isn't proud of me at all. I gave up on most forms of trying after 18 years of no results, and most other forms scare me because I can't handle failure anymore since it will just increase what my OCD does to me and the control it has over me. I'm a junior college dropout and my biggest dream right now is falling asleep happy for the first time in a good amount of times, and even that is too much to ask for. Sure, I can be happy at some moments in my life, and when I wake up tomorrow, I probably wont remember for a couple of minutes even writing this, but when I lay down in my bed, that's the time the shit really hits the fan because I just lay there with my eyes closed and my brain forces all the failure of my life on me. For once, I'd like to be able to fight back with actual existing happiness, but that isn't looking to happen anytime soon. This isn't something that can be cured by going out more often and getting a milkshake or some other stereotypical thing, it's going to be cured by me getting some sort of idea as to what I'm suppossed to be fucking doing with my life as well as some more permanent form of happiness and some more forms of life. When that happiness comes though, I don't know if I'll have any more of a clue as to what I'm suppossed to be doing, it would just be nice to have it for a change though. I can't look back on the prom I never went to or the diploma I'll never get or the academic awards I was suppossed to get and wish I had, because I can't. That's just a part of life I'll never have back, so I've got to move on and find happiness in the now, which is a lot easier said than done. I need to become good at something besides ruining my own life, because that seems to be all I'm good at right now since it's all I really do (I don't write, I don't do any math, which I love, as anti-social as that is, I don't play videogames or anything I normally enjoy, I just think and destroy my life). I was suppossed to register for Goldenwest again in April, but I didn't find out until last week, and even then, I'd wake up, think about my day in college, and turn over and sleep. Yeah, Calvin Coolidge would be proud of me, an anti-social loner who ruins his own life because he's afraid of failure so much he can't try. Hurray for me. I'm suppossedly going to register tomorrow, and I most likely will since I told my parents tomorrow was the first day it happened, but maybe not, I don't know anymore, and I'm not even sure if I care either. I'm going to be 20 in 6 months, and I've done nothing my whole life and have an equal amount to show for it, hurray. I just know I'm fucking tired of being told I can be doing so much more or that I'm overreacting, even though those are both most likely true. If the answers are that easy, then I deserve what I have, so I might as well dweel in it a little bit longer.
I'm not sure, looking back on this, if I said anything I was searching to say, but I might as well end this now anyways. Here's an inspirational picture: