My Stardust Melody, Chapter 45
The Derby was a month away, and Reid felt like he’d spent as much time in the barn and around the Snyder track as the horses. He felt a little sorry for the stallions-they probably didn’t get the same enjoyment from watching Luke groom them as he did.
It was probably an exaggeration, given that he was working 70-plus hour weeks at Memorial. Still, Luke hadn’t been kidding when he’d warned Reid that he would be incredibly busy. It worried Reid, privately, to see Luke working so hard. Toiling with the horses was physically demanding, and the job at the diner was taxing. Then there was school on top of it all-and yes, Luke had reduced the number of classes he was taking this semester, but it still added up to being the mother of all schedules. Reid found himself caught between having admiration and thinking Luke was crazy.
To spend time with Luke, Reid usually had to find the younger man at the barn on the mornings Reid was off and then try to have lunch with him. Sometimes they ate with the kids, if it was the weekend, and other times he got Luke to himself. Reid, to his own surprise, was happy either way. The kids were nice and treated him like he belonged there. Sometimes he even squeezed in a game of chess with Natalie who, despite not training with ancient Ukrainian men, pressed Reid to the extent of his skills. He hadn’t lost to her…yet.
Damian had joined them on one occasion. Luke had decided to lift the ban on Damian from the farm and seemed to be willing to allow Damian some contact with the kids. To be fair to the Maltese man, he seemed to have truly missed Faith, Natalie and Ethan. The joyful expression on his face when he saw them couldn’t be faked. Reid still couldn’t decide what to make of Damian. He seemed entirely different from the man he’d met in New York. He was warmer, somehow, and perhaps not as smooth. Reid felt a pang of sympathy for him as the doctor knew what it felt like to have to find yourself again after falling so far. Still, the whole “frame-Reid-for-setting-the-barn-on-fire-plan” tempered Reid’s sympathies a great deal.
This was a Wednesday, however, and the kids were at school and Damian nowhere to be seen. Luke had finished watering down the horses after their workout, and he brought Reid back to the farmhouse for lunch. The blond had gone upstairs to shower, and Reid thought he could have used a cold one himself. He’d grabbed Luke on his way out of the barn for a deep kiss, but now Reid was throbbing and knew he wasn’t going to get any relief.
Reid started looking through the cabinets to see if he could find any leftover homemade bread. Faith usually had a few rolls stocked away somewhere in the kitchen. He salivated at the thought of loading a couple with some ham and mustard.
He opened the cabinet next to the sink and spotted his quarry. “Gotcha,” he said. As he was reaching in, he knocked over one of Luke’s medicine bottles by accident. Pills spilled into the cabinet, and Reid cursed under his breath in frustration. His sandwich would have to wait.
They were tiny pills-5 milligram prednisone--and it was tedious picking them up. Luke had halved a few, and those were a bit easier to pick up since they had a flat edge.
He didn’t give it much thought at first, but then it dawned on Reid that the pills were halved and why that might be. He lifted one up on his palm and looked at it. He remembered other pills spilling in the cabin and Luke saying that he halved them because they were difficult to swallow. Those pills hadn’t been all that big, but even half of one of those was larger than a whole one of these. Why the hell was Luke dicing up his pills?
Almost of its own volition, his shaky hand reached out and grabbed another bottle of meds. He opened it, peered inside, and immediately saw a few halved pills on the top. He swiped another bottle and swore as he found the same there.
A knot of worry formed in the pit of his stomach. Surely, Luke would have a good explanation. Reid looked at the prescription on the original bottle and checked to make sure that the pills were only supposed to be taken once per day. They were. The dosage was for a whole pill. Maybe the doctor had changed his order? But why? This wasn’t a pill that should cause much in the way of side effects or indigestion. It didn’t seem likely that there would be any need to prescribe something other than the usual dosage.
Reid attempted to continue the task he had started and assembled a sandwich. When he looked at it, however, he didn’t feel like eating. He took a bite of the ham, but it tasted dry in his mouth. He sat down at the table and tried his best not to look like a disapproving parent waiting up for a teenager who had missed his curfew.
He thought back to the cabin when he’d spotted the halved pills and Luke’s stammered explanation that he had trouble swallowing. It was a lie. It had to be a lie, and Reid couldn’t believe that the blond would be dishonest about something as vital as his health. What the hell else was he lying about? Were there other secrets? Reid thought with a darkening scowl. He gripped the table and squeezed hard as his anger built. The burning sensation in his chest was familiar, however. Just as swiftly as his anger was stoked, he quelled it, realizing what he was doing. He took a few deep breaths, concentrating on the acts of inhaling and exhaling. He started to feel calmer and he began counting until the tension in his neck and chest departed. He was still upset, but he had control over it.
Reid returned to the moment in the cabin and tried to see it for what it was. He put himself in Luke’s shoes and tried to remember the scene as well as he could. Nathan had already left, and they had been doing “Top Ten” lists. Despite their truce, Luke and Reid were still wary of each other. Reid was still convinced that Luke was rich and greedy. And hadn’t he even made some joke about servants usually bringing Luke his pills with a side of pate or something like that? It wasn’t exactly the best situation for Luke to confide in Reid, he acknowledged with the creeping sensation of regret. In fact, Reid couldn’t think of a single reason why Luke would tell Reid he was halving his pills because of the expense-if that’s what Luke had been doing.
There was still room for another explanation although Reid had serious doubts as to what it could be.
A few minutes later, a freshly showered Luke jogged down the stairs. “Oh good. You found Faith’s bread,” he called over his shoulder as he headed toward the refrigerator.
Reid nodded. “I found something else, too.”
“The homemade strawberry jam?”
Reid hadn’t known there was homemade jam. He’d have made an entirely different sandwich if he’d known that.
“Not the jam,” Reid replied as Luke turned to face Reid with a questioning expression. “Look, I’m just going to say something because I hate drawing this kind of crap out. I knocked over your pills when I grabbed the rolls, and I saw you’d halved several of them. Are you messing with the dosage?” He breathed in deeply and waited.
Luke blanched and worked his jaw, which was enough of an answer for Reid. The doctor felt like his heart had stopped beating.
“Luke, why?” he asked, not caring that his voice had taken a high pitch.
“I haven’t done it that often. But there’s been a few times where I couldn’t quite stretch the budget, so I’d halve some of the pills until I got my next paycheck.”
“Not that often? You diced pills at the cabin and again now. I have a hard time believing that there’s only been a time or two more when both times I’ve seen your pills, that’s what you’ve done.”
Luke bit his lip and tears started to well up in his eyes. “Well, maybe it’s been more than a few times. And it’s been more in the past year or so, I guess. But, I’m careful, I swear. I passed my last exam without any problems.”
Shaking his head at this nonsense, Reid said, “Luke, do I have to tell you that altering your medication in any way can risk rejection at any time?”
Luke shrugged one shoulder, holding it high before releasing it. “I know, it’s stupid. But what else could I do?”
Reid’s fierce irritation got the better of him. “I dunno. Ask one of your many friends for help? I know for damned sure Henry would at the very least float you a loan between paychecks if not give you a raise.”
“This isn’t their problem,” Luke said stubbornly with his chin thrust forward.
“You won all that money in January? Why are you still cutting pills?”
“All of it went back into paying back Henry or into our mortgage. I won’t really see any profit unless we win in May.”
Reid threw up his hands in exasperation. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? You’re just going to mess with your meds for another two months and cross your fingers that you live long enough to enjoy seeing the race?”
“Well, I hope I won’t have to do that.”
“You don’t have to do that. You’ve never had to do that,” Reid said forcefully.
“I won’t take any more money from Henry.”
“Or Maddie, or Jack, or me!” Reid listed.
Luke folded his arms across his chest and said, “Look, my mother lost our entire fortune by taking more money than she could pay back.”
Reid felt like pulling his own hair out. “She did one other thing, too-she kept it a secret from those who loved her. She didn’t ask for help from the people who wanted the best for her.”
Luke looked stricken by the thought and his hands fell listlessly to his sides. “You think I’m like my mother?” he asked in a small voice that made Reid feel terrible.
Reid relented and said, “No, Luke, but I think you’re trying so hard to avoid one of her mistakes that you’re falling into another.” He stood up from his seat and walked to the island counter to face Luke.
“I-I” the blond faltered.
Seeing that he was finally getting through to Luke, Reid pressed his advantage. “Luke, what would happen to the kids if something happened to you? Do you think they would be happy to know that you sacrificed your own health for their sake? Do you think they would ask you to do this in a million years?” If Reid thought about it for even a second-the idea of Luke lying in a hospital bed, or worse--he felt crippled. Luke might as well rip Reid’s heart out if he was going to jeopardize his life like this.
“No-“
“No,” Reid said, cutting Luke off. He didn’t want to hear anything other than Luke saying he’d take his medication. Reid breathed deeply but somehow felt like air wasn’t flowing inside him. Swallowing hard to force the lump in his throat down, he added, “And hell. What do you think I would do? I-I love you, and the idea that you might die because you purposely didn’t take all your meds makes me sick. I want you healthy and happy for the next fifty or sixty years. I want to see at least a few wrinkles on your perfect ass before you keel over.”
There was utter silence for a moment before Luke echoed, “You love me? Fifty years?”
Oh, Jesus? Had he said that? Love? Reid only had to think about it for a second. Of course it was love. How the hell had he missed that? He was supposed to be a genius, and he’d missed what was so obvious-he went to karaoke for god’s sake. He spent hours with smelly horses. He knew what Luke’s favorite coffee drink was. He didn’t completely object to the idea of not having sex.
Love. He may not feel like painting a rainbow in the sky or skipping through a grassy meadow, but he was in love with Luke Snyder. His stomach rolled nervously, and he was glad he hadn’t eaten anything. Looking Luke directly in the eye, he said, “Sixty years. And yes, you idiot, I said it, though that’s not the point. I fucking cherish the hell out of you. And don’t feel like you have to reciprocate just because I’ve lost my mind and gone all sentimental on you. I don’t expect anything…Wait, I take that back. I expect one thing-you have to take your meds.”
“Reid…” Luke began.
Reid rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, half disbelieving that he’d just shouted that he loved Luke across a countertop. And after all that, Luke was still not going to change his mind? Hell, no. “Seriously, are you going to argue this? You have to take them. If I have to come over here every day and watch, I will. I can’t live with you playing fast and loose with your health.” He took a shaky breath and tried to release the insane fear that had just washed over him at the idea of Luke’s kidney failing. “I just…can’t. You’re all that matters to me, and if you got sick, I wouldn’t be able to take it. I know that’s some codependent bullshit to be throwing at you out of nowhere, but there it is. The truth. You have to take care of yourself. For me…for the kids…for whatever reason makes you realize that your life matters more than keeping this house or getting Faith a computer. Pick a reason-I don’t care which one. It can just be the fact that Maddie will probably blame me if you wind up in the hospital for any reason. But, you need to do it. You have to be here with me, Luke. I need you, and I’ve never needed anyone, and I don’t like it, and maybe you don’t like it, but that’s too bad.” Reid’s throat felt sore as if he were holding back tears, which is when he realized that was exactly what he was doing. Jesus, he’d basically been pleading.
Luke walked around the counter to where Reid was standing, and took Reid’s hands in his own. It took the edge of Reid’s frenzy. The younger man squeezed and said in a gentle tone, “Okay. I wasn’t going to argue. The first time it happened was right after Damian disappeared and I swore it would be the only time, but then a few months later, we had our water heater go out, so I needed the couple hundred bucks for repairs. I guess I found other reasons after that.”
“How many times?” Reid wanted to know just how much damage could have been done.
Luke couldn’t look at Reid when he said, “It was seven times, and I never did it for longer than a week. God, I feel so stupid. You must think I’m an idiot. ”
“I think you’re going to the doctor next week and getting checked out.”
Luke’s gaze fell to the ground, and he nodded solemnly.
Reid closed his eyes, brought one of Luke’s hands up to his mouth to kiss it, and said in a blunt tone, “Luke, you need to let people help you.”
Luke snorted in a pitiful sort of way. “The last time I did that I wound up pretending to be wealthy at a party in New York to scam investors into giving me money.”
Reid’s eyebrows shot up at this bit of information. He should have expected that this had something to do with Luke’s upbringing. “Damian? Okay, your mom and dad suck. You trusted the wrong person once, but that doesn’t mean trusting another person is going to end up the same way.”
Luke sighed as he spoke about the past. “It just went so wrong. Mom lost all the money, and I gave up college-my life-to come back here and take care of things. And then Damian shows up and, against my better judgment, I trusted him. Then he disappeared leaving me in a worse state than before-it’s hard to let that go.”
Reid caressed Luke along his jaw with his thumb. “Luke, Damian didn’t want to leave you…as much as I hate sticking up for him. But surely, you can see that taking a couple hundred dollars from Henry every now and then wouldn’t be the same as getting involved with Damian’s criminal dealings. You already owe Henry anyway.”
Luke nodded in a frantic, jerky motion. “But that’s just it. I hate being a charity case.”
“Jesus, you’re no one’s charity case. You work your ass off for Henry. I’m sure that moron is probably getting some sort of windfall off of you.”
“It’s just…tough. I don’t want to turn into the next Lily Snyder,” Luke said in a determined voice and taking a step back from Reid.
Reid pulled him right back and put his arms around Luke’s waist. Sometimes he could almost forget what a messed up life Luke had. The younger man just seemed so normal and happy most of the time…and that was a testament to Luke’s strength. Reid hugged Luke close and said low into his ear, “First, not every step your mother or father took was wrong. Look at you. I don’t know a soul who is friends with you who wouldn’t cheerfully punch me in the nose if you asked them. This entire town seemed to fortify itself against me when I first came here. I had to look out my window each night to make sure I didn’t see any torches and pitchforks. So whatever faults your mom had, she did a few things right. And I’m not sure that winding yourself into a coil over finances is the solution to your problems. It’s one thing to turn down going to a movie, but you’ve risked your health over this!”
Luke buried his head in Reid’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
The self-recrimination in Luke’s voice tore at Reid’s heart. “Luke, don’t apologize. Just promise you’ll ask for help if it comes up again.”
“But I am sorry. I’ve stayed up so many nights wondering what would happen if something went wrong. And then I think about how I messed up my life when I was only a little older than Natalie, and I hate myself for ever drinking and going to Mexico and causing all this.”
Reid’s heart strained against the weight it felt. He would have done anything to relieve Luke from feeling this way. “You wouldn’t hate Natalie if she did the same thing. You should remember that.” Reid could feel moisture on his shirt and he closed his eyes in agony, remembering how Maddie had told him how hard Luke tried to hold everything together. It nearly broke him to know he’d made Luke cry twice. But, Luke had to start taking all his meds. His health had to be worth the tears.
Luke said in a wobbly tone, “I know, but when I’m cutting pills and risking my life all over again and feeling so helpless about it-well, it’s impossible for me not to despise what I’ve done and what I was doing. I always talk about wanting to set a good example, and wanting to be strong for the kids, but I sometimes just feel so…weak.”
Reid ran his hand up and down Luke’s spine and shook his head. “When you say that, I almost can’t understand it because I think you’re so strong. You raise three kids on one kidney and an alcohol problem. You work your fingers to the bone, have somehow gotten two thoroughbred horses ready for the Derby, put up with the most insane business partner on the planet-not to mention his scary wife-and you have great hair.” He glanced down and waited for a little smile to form on Luke’s lips before saying, “Remember how I said your mom couldn’t have done everything wrong because you came out so well? Look at those three kids. They’re great. And that comes from you.” Luke’s smile grew until it reached his eyes, and Reid continued, “Being with you has taught me to believe in things I didn’t think were possible. I feel things that…oh, hell. I feel. I can be with someone. Who could have predicted that? But for all you’ve done for everyone in your life, you’ve got to accept that you can’t be perfect at everything and that you might need a tiny bit of help.”
Luke wrapped his arms around Reid’s torso and pulled him closer. “You’re right…I should ask for help. I try too damned hard to be perfect.”
“I usually am,” Reid said, trying to lighten the tone.
“I always tell the kids to come to me or each other when they need help. I shouldn’t be exempt from that advice.”
Reid toyed with the bare skin of Luke’s neck just above Luke’s collar. “Will you consider letting someone pay for a meal for you if I promise they’re just being nice and not making some sort of judgment on your financial affairs?” He tapped his fingers playfully against the base of Luke’s scalp.
“Is this person you?” Luke asked with a tiny laugh.
“Possibly.”
“Then, possibly yes.” He paused and said, “And if I run into any budget issues at the end of the month I promise I’ll get help from Henry. I won’t cut my medication again.”
The relief Reid felt was palpable. His breathing eased as he said, “You can ask me, too.”
“Thank you,” Luke replied simply. He waited a few seconds before saying in a curious tone, “So…love, huh?” He looked into Reid’s eyes as if to gauge Reid’s sincerity.
Reid shifted with unease. “You remember that, huh? I mean it-I don’t want to hear a word back from you today when you’re all weepy and stuff. If you feel that way about me, say it when you know you mean it.” Once again Reid touched the side of Luke’s face in a gentle caress. “Since the ban on sex is still in place, I know it’s not today. And weirdly, I’m fine with that.” He was, Reid thought with more than a little pride.
“You are the most wonderful man I’ve ever met,” Luke stated, turning his head and catching Reid’s hand to kiss it.
“You bet your ass I am.” As far as Reid was concerned, the most wonderful man in the world was standing in front of him. Every once in a while, however, agreeing to disagree was a good thing.
Luke ruffled the hair just above Reid’s neck. “And thank you, truly, for talking to me today. I try too hard to be perfect at everything, and I have a hard time letting people know when things aren’t perfect.”
“I think you’re pretty damn close. But I can see how it would be hard to admit needing help with everyone around you thinking you’re some sort of saint.”
“But you don’t,” Luke countered, tipping his head to the side in a curious gesture.
Reid thought carefully about this before replying, “No, maybe I used to…for a bit…after everything came out at Christmas. But no one, even me, is perfect. And I know why other people think that way, but you don’ t quite walk on water.”
Luke smiled a little sadly. “I’m glad you see me. I sometimes feel like no one else quite does. I’m not sure even Maddie always gets what it’s like to be me.”
“I’m pretty sure most of the world doesn’t understand me…what with all the black eyes I get.” He rolled his eyes to show he didn’t really care that much. Reid was sarcastic and cutting and didn’t like a lot of people. He wouldn’t hold it against them for returning his feelings.
“Well, I speak ‘Reid,’ and I understand you,” Luke said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“I guess that makes us well-suited.”
Luke smiled. “I suppose it does.”
It was probably an exaggeration, given that he was working 70-plus hour weeks at Memorial. Still, Luke hadn’t been kidding when he’d warned Reid that he would be incredibly busy. It worried Reid, privately, to see Luke working so hard. Toiling with the horses was physically demanding, and the job at the diner was taxing. Then there was school on top of it all-and yes, Luke had reduced the number of classes he was taking this semester, but it still added up to being the mother of all schedules. Reid found himself caught between having admiration and thinking Luke was crazy.
To spend time with Luke, Reid usually had to find the younger man at the barn on the mornings Reid was off and then try to have lunch with him. Sometimes they ate with the kids, if it was the weekend, and other times he got Luke to himself. Reid, to his own surprise, was happy either way. The kids were nice and treated him like he belonged there. Sometimes he even squeezed in a game of chess with Natalie who, despite not training with ancient Ukrainian men, pressed Reid to the extent of his skills. He hadn’t lost to her…yet.
Damian had joined them on one occasion. Luke had decided to lift the ban on Damian from the farm and seemed to be willing to allow Damian some contact with the kids. To be fair to the Maltese man, he seemed to have truly missed Faith, Natalie and Ethan. The joyful expression on his face when he saw them couldn’t be faked. Reid still couldn’t decide what to make of Damian. He seemed entirely different from the man he’d met in New York. He was warmer, somehow, and perhaps not as smooth. Reid felt a pang of sympathy for him as the doctor knew what it felt like to have to find yourself again after falling so far. Still, the whole “frame-Reid-for-setting-the-barn-on-fire-plan” tempered Reid’s sympathies a great deal.
This was a Wednesday, however, and the kids were at school and Damian nowhere to be seen. Luke had finished watering down the horses after their workout, and he brought Reid back to the farmhouse for lunch. The blond had gone upstairs to shower, and Reid thought he could have used a cold one himself. He’d grabbed Luke on his way out of the barn for a deep kiss, but now Reid was throbbing and knew he wasn’t going to get any relief.
Reid started looking through the cabinets to see if he could find any leftover homemade bread. Faith usually had a few rolls stocked away somewhere in the kitchen. He salivated at the thought of loading a couple with some ham and mustard.
He opened the cabinet next to the sink and spotted his quarry. “Gotcha,” he said. As he was reaching in, he knocked over one of Luke’s medicine bottles by accident. Pills spilled into the cabinet, and Reid cursed under his breath in frustration. His sandwich would have to wait.
They were tiny pills-5 milligram prednisone--and it was tedious picking them up. Luke had halved a few, and those were a bit easier to pick up since they had a flat edge.
He didn’t give it much thought at first, but then it dawned on Reid that the pills were halved and why that might be. He lifted one up on his palm and looked at it. He remembered other pills spilling in the cabin and Luke saying that he halved them because they were difficult to swallow. Those pills hadn’t been all that big, but even half of one of those was larger than a whole one of these. Why the hell was Luke dicing up his pills?
Almost of its own volition, his shaky hand reached out and grabbed another bottle of meds. He opened it, peered inside, and immediately saw a few halved pills on the top. He swiped another bottle and swore as he found the same there.
A knot of worry formed in the pit of his stomach. Surely, Luke would have a good explanation. Reid looked at the prescription on the original bottle and checked to make sure that the pills were only supposed to be taken once per day. They were. The dosage was for a whole pill. Maybe the doctor had changed his order? But why? This wasn’t a pill that should cause much in the way of side effects or indigestion. It didn’t seem likely that there would be any need to prescribe something other than the usual dosage.
Reid attempted to continue the task he had started and assembled a sandwich. When he looked at it, however, he didn’t feel like eating. He took a bite of the ham, but it tasted dry in his mouth. He sat down at the table and tried his best not to look like a disapproving parent waiting up for a teenager who had missed his curfew.
He thought back to the cabin when he’d spotted the halved pills and Luke’s stammered explanation that he had trouble swallowing. It was a lie. It had to be a lie, and Reid couldn’t believe that the blond would be dishonest about something as vital as his health. What the hell else was he lying about? Were there other secrets? Reid thought with a darkening scowl. He gripped the table and squeezed hard as his anger built. The burning sensation in his chest was familiar, however. Just as swiftly as his anger was stoked, he quelled it, realizing what he was doing. He took a few deep breaths, concentrating on the acts of inhaling and exhaling. He started to feel calmer and he began counting until the tension in his neck and chest departed. He was still upset, but he had control over it.
Reid returned to the moment in the cabin and tried to see it for what it was. He put himself in Luke’s shoes and tried to remember the scene as well as he could. Nathan had already left, and they had been doing “Top Ten” lists. Despite their truce, Luke and Reid were still wary of each other. Reid was still convinced that Luke was rich and greedy. And hadn’t he even made some joke about servants usually bringing Luke his pills with a side of pate or something like that? It wasn’t exactly the best situation for Luke to confide in Reid, he acknowledged with the creeping sensation of regret. In fact, Reid couldn’t think of a single reason why Luke would tell Reid he was halving his pills because of the expense-if that’s what Luke had been doing.
There was still room for another explanation although Reid had serious doubts as to what it could be.
A few minutes later, a freshly showered Luke jogged down the stairs. “Oh good. You found Faith’s bread,” he called over his shoulder as he headed toward the refrigerator.
Reid nodded. “I found something else, too.”
“The homemade strawberry jam?”
Reid hadn’t known there was homemade jam. He’d have made an entirely different sandwich if he’d known that.
“Not the jam,” Reid replied as Luke turned to face Reid with a questioning expression. “Look, I’m just going to say something because I hate drawing this kind of crap out. I knocked over your pills when I grabbed the rolls, and I saw you’d halved several of them. Are you messing with the dosage?” He breathed in deeply and waited.
Luke blanched and worked his jaw, which was enough of an answer for Reid. The doctor felt like his heart had stopped beating.
“Luke, why?” he asked, not caring that his voice had taken a high pitch.
“I haven’t done it that often. But there’s been a few times where I couldn’t quite stretch the budget, so I’d halve some of the pills until I got my next paycheck.”
“Not that often? You diced pills at the cabin and again now. I have a hard time believing that there’s only been a time or two more when both times I’ve seen your pills, that’s what you’ve done.”
Luke bit his lip and tears started to well up in his eyes. “Well, maybe it’s been more than a few times. And it’s been more in the past year or so, I guess. But, I’m careful, I swear. I passed my last exam without any problems.”
Shaking his head at this nonsense, Reid said, “Luke, do I have to tell you that altering your medication in any way can risk rejection at any time?”
Luke shrugged one shoulder, holding it high before releasing it. “I know, it’s stupid. But what else could I do?”
Reid’s fierce irritation got the better of him. “I dunno. Ask one of your many friends for help? I know for damned sure Henry would at the very least float you a loan between paychecks if not give you a raise.”
“This isn’t their problem,” Luke said stubbornly with his chin thrust forward.
“You won all that money in January? Why are you still cutting pills?”
“All of it went back into paying back Henry or into our mortgage. I won’t really see any profit unless we win in May.”
Reid threw up his hands in exasperation. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? You’re just going to mess with your meds for another two months and cross your fingers that you live long enough to enjoy seeing the race?”
“Well, I hope I won’t have to do that.”
“You don’t have to do that. You’ve never had to do that,” Reid said forcefully.
“I won’t take any more money from Henry.”
“Or Maddie, or Jack, or me!” Reid listed.
Luke folded his arms across his chest and said, “Look, my mother lost our entire fortune by taking more money than she could pay back.”
Reid felt like pulling his own hair out. “She did one other thing, too-she kept it a secret from those who loved her. She didn’t ask for help from the people who wanted the best for her.”
Luke looked stricken by the thought and his hands fell listlessly to his sides. “You think I’m like my mother?” he asked in a small voice that made Reid feel terrible.
Reid relented and said, “No, Luke, but I think you’re trying so hard to avoid one of her mistakes that you’re falling into another.” He stood up from his seat and walked to the island counter to face Luke.
“I-I” the blond faltered.
Seeing that he was finally getting through to Luke, Reid pressed his advantage. “Luke, what would happen to the kids if something happened to you? Do you think they would be happy to know that you sacrificed your own health for their sake? Do you think they would ask you to do this in a million years?” If Reid thought about it for even a second-the idea of Luke lying in a hospital bed, or worse--he felt crippled. Luke might as well rip Reid’s heart out if he was going to jeopardize his life like this.
“No-“
“No,” Reid said, cutting Luke off. He didn’t want to hear anything other than Luke saying he’d take his medication. Reid breathed deeply but somehow felt like air wasn’t flowing inside him. Swallowing hard to force the lump in his throat down, he added, “And hell. What do you think I would do? I-I love you, and the idea that you might die because you purposely didn’t take all your meds makes me sick. I want you healthy and happy for the next fifty or sixty years. I want to see at least a few wrinkles on your perfect ass before you keel over.”
There was utter silence for a moment before Luke echoed, “You love me? Fifty years?”
Oh, Jesus? Had he said that? Love? Reid only had to think about it for a second. Of course it was love. How the hell had he missed that? He was supposed to be a genius, and he’d missed what was so obvious-he went to karaoke for god’s sake. He spent hours with smelly horses. He knew what Luke’s favorite coffee drink was. He didn’t completely object to the idea of not having sex.
Love. He may not feel like painting a rainbow in the sky or skipping through a grassy meadow, but he was in love with Luke Snyder. His stomach rolled nervously, and he was glad he hadn’t eaten anything. Looking Luke directly in the eye, he said, “Sixty years. And yes, you idiot, I said it, though that’s not the point. I fucking cherish the hell out of you. And don’t feel like you have to reciprocate just because I’ve lost my mind and gone all sentimental on you. I don’t expect anything…Wait, I take that back. I expect one thing-you have to take your meds.”
“Reid…” Luke began.
Reid rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, half disbelieving that he’d just shouted that he loved Luke across a countertop. And after all that, Luke was still not going to change his mind? Hell, no. “Seriously, are you going to argue this? You have to take them. If I have to come over here every day and watch, I will. I can’t live with you playing fast and loose with your health.” He took a shaky breath and tried to release the insane fear that had just washed over him at the idea of Luke’s kidney failing. “I just…can’t. You’re all that matters to me, and if you got sick, I wouldn’t be able to take it. I know that’s some codependent bullshit to be throwing at you out of nowhere, but there it is. The truth. You have to take care of yourself. For me…for the kids…for whatever reason makes you realize that your life matters more than keeping this house or getting Faith a computer. Pick a reason-I don’t care which one. It can just be the fact that Maddie will probably blame me if you wind up in the hospital for any reason. But, you need to do it. You have to be here with me, Luke. I need you, and I’ve never needed anyone, and I don’t like it, and maybe you don’t like it, but that’s too bad.” Reid’s throat felt sore as if he were holding back tears, which is when he realized that was exactly what he was doing. Jesus, he’d basically been pleading.
Luke walked around the counter to where Reid was standing, and took Reid’s hands in his own. It took the edge of Reid’s frenzy. The younger man squeezed and said in a gentle tone, “Okay. I wasn’t going to argue. The first time it happened was right after Damian disappeared and I swore it would be the only time, but then a few months later, we had our water heater go out, so I needed the couple hundred bucks for repairs. I guess I found other reasons after that.”
“How many times?” Reid wanted to know just how much damage could have been done.
Luke couldn’t look at Reid when he said, “It was seven times, and I never did it for longer than a week. God, I feel so stupid. You must think I’m an idiot. ”
“I think you’re going to the doctor next week and getting checked out.”
Luke’s gaze fell to the ground, and he nodded solemnly.
Reid closed his eyes, brought one of Luke’s hands up to his mouth to kiss it, and said in a blunt tone, “Luke, you need to let people help you.”
Luke snorted in a pitiful sort of way. “The last time I did that I wound up pretending to be wealthy at a party in New York to scam investors into giving me money.”
Reid’s eyebrows shot up at this bit of information. He should have expected that this had something to do with Luke’s upbringing. “Damian? Okay, your mom and dad suck. You trusted the wrong person once, but that doesn’t mean trusting another person is going to end up the same way.”
Luke sighed as he spoke about the past. “It just went so wrong. Mom lost all the money, and I gave up college-my life-to come back here and take care of things. And then Damian shows up and, against my better judgment, I trusted him. Then he disappeared leaving me in a worse state than before-it’s hard to let that go.”
Reid caressed Luke along his jaw with his thumb. “Luke, Damian didn’t want to leave you…as much as I hate sticking up for him. But surely, you can see that taking a couple hundred dollars from Henry every now and then wouldn’t be the same as getting involved with Damian’s criminal dealings. You already owe Henry anyway.”
Luke nodded in a frantic, jerky motion. “But that’s just it. I hate being a charity case.”
“Jesus, you’re no one’s charity case. You work your ass off for Henry. I’m sure that moron is probably getting some sort of windfall off of you.”
“It’s just…tough. I don’t want to turn into the next Lily Snyder,” Luke said in a determined voice and taking a step back from Reid.
Reid pulled him right back and put his arms around Luke’s waist. Sometimes he could almost forget what a messed up life Luke had. The younger man just seemed so normal and happy most of the time…and that was a testament to Luke’s strength. Reid hugged Luke close and said low into his ear, “First, not every step your mother or father took was wrong. Look at you. I don’t know a soul who is friends with you who wouldn’t cheerfully punch me in the nose if you asked them. This entire town seemed to fortify itself against me when I first came here. I had to look out my window each night to make sure I didn’t see any torches and pitchforks. So whatever faults your mom had, she did a few things right. And I’m not sure that winding yourself into a coil over finances is the solution to your problems. It’s one thing to turn down going to a movie, but you’ve risked your health over this!”
Luke buried his head in Reid’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
The self-recrimination in Luke’s voice tore at Reid’s heart. “Luke, don’t apologize. Just promise you’ll ask for help if it comes up again.”
“But I am sorry. I’ve stayed up so many nights wondering what would happen if something went wrong. And then I think about how I messed up my life when I was only a little older than Natalie, and I hate myself for ever drinking and going to Mexico and causing all this.”
Reid’s heart strained against the weight it felt. He would have done anything to relieve Luke from feeling this way. “You wouldn’t hate Natalie if she did the same thing. You should remember that.” Reid could feel moisture on his shirt and he closed his eyes in agony, remembering how Maddie had told him how hard Luke tried to hold everything together. It nearly broke him to know he’d made Luke cry twice. But, Luke had to start taking all his meds. His health had to be worth the tears.
Luke said in a wobbly tone, “I know, but when I’m cutting pills and risking my life all over again and feeling so helpless about it-well, it’s impossible for me not to despise what I’ve done and what I was doing. I always talk about wanting to set a good example, and wanting to be strong for the kids, but I sometimes just feel so…weak.”
Reid ran his hand up and down Luke’s spine and shook his head. “When you say that, I almost can’t understand it because I think you’re so strong. You raise three kids on one kidney and an alcohol problem. You work your fingers to the bone, have somehow gotten two thoroughbred horses ready for the Derby, put up with the most insane business partner on the planet-not to mention his scary wife-and you have great hair.” He glanced down and waited for a little smile to form on Luke’s lips before saying, “Remember how I said your mom couldn’t have done everything wrong because you came out so well? Look at those three kids. They’re great. And that comes from you.” Luke’s smile grew until it reached his eyes, and Reid continued, “Being with you has taught me to believe in things I didn’t think were possible. I feel things that…oh, hell. I feel. I can be with someone. Who could have predicted that? But for all you’ve done for everyone in your life, you’ve got to accept that you can’t be perfect at everything and that you might need a tiny bit of help.”
Luke wrapped his arms around Reid’s torso and pulled him closer. “You’re right…I should ask for help. I try too damned hard to be perfect.”
“I usually am,” Reid said, trying to lighten the tone.
“I always tell the kids to come to me or each other when they need help. I shouldn’t be exempt from that advice.”
Reid toyed with the bare skin of Luke’s neck just above Luke’s collar. “Will you consider letting someone pay for a meal for you if I promise they’re just being nice and not making some sort of judgment on your financial affairs?” He tapped his fingers playfully against the base of Luke’s scalp.
“Is this person you?” Luke asked with a tiny laugh.
“Possibly.”
“Then, possibly yes.” He paused and said, “And if I run into any budget issues at the end of the month I promise I’ll get help from Henry. I won’t cut my medication again.”
The relief Reid felt was palpable. His breathing eased as he said, “You can ask me, too.”
“Thank you,” Luke replied simply. He waited a few seconds before saying in a curious tone, “So…love, huh?” He looked into Reid’s eyes as if to gauge Reid’s sincerity.
Reid shifted with unease. “You remember that, huh? I mean it-I don’t want to hear a word back from you today when you’re all weepy and stuff. If you feel that way about me, say it when you know you mean it.” Once again Reid touched the side of Luke’s face in a gentle caress. “Since the ban on sex is still in place, I know it’s not today. And weirdly, I’m fine with that.” He was, Reid thought with more than a little pride.
“You are the most wonderful man I’ve ever met,” Luke stated, turning his head and catching Reid’s hand to kiss it.
“You bet your ass I am.” As far as Reid was concerned, the most wonderful man in the world was standing in front of him. Every once in a while, however, agreeing to disagree was a good thing.
Luke ruffled the hair just above Reid’s neck. “And thank you, truly, for talking to me today. I try too hard to be perfect at everything, and I have a hard time letting people know when things aren’t perfect.”
“I think you’re pretty damn close. But I can see how it would be hard to admit needing help with everyone around you thinking you’re some sort of saint.”
“But you don’t,” Luke countered, tipping his head to the side in a curious gesture.
Reid thought carefully about this before replying, “No, maybe I used to…for a bit…after everything came out at Christmas. But no one, even me, is perfect. And I know why other people think that way, but you don’ t quite walk on water.”
Luke smiled a little sadly. “I’m glad you see me. I sometimes feel like no one else quite does. I’m not sure even Maddie always gets what it’s like to be me.”
“I’m pretty sure most of the world doesn’t understand me…what with all the black eyes I get.” He rolled his eyes to show he didn’t really care that much. Reid was sarcastic and cutting and didn’t like a lot of people. He wouldn’t hold it against them for returning his feelings.
“Well, I speak ‘Reid,’ and I understand you,” Luke said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“I guess that makes us well-suited.”
Luke smiled. “I suppose it does.”