Today was a particularly hard day...
For some reason...today has been all about John.
From the minute I woke up...I thought about him.
I was doing errands all day and I had my iPod playing in my car and it seemed like the random shuffle wasn't so random today. Every song that came on....reminded me of him...it was like he was trying to get to me...First it was Brian Mcknight's song....the only one for me...when John and I broke up...I listened to that song over and over....that and Anytime...which also played randomly later on in the day...I have a lot of random songs on my iPod from country to rap and classical to rock...and all day...Keith Sweat played,Brian Mcknight came on, 112 came on with the song Cupid that John used to LOVE...I keep a picture of him in my car...seeing him reminds me to make smart decisions...it helps me to stay focused on whats important on a day to day basis...I imagine that he's with me...helping me from day to day make major decisions and I know if he were really here with me he'd be giving me his real opinion.
Sometimes I still imagine this is all a terrible nightmare...I have one voicemail saved from him...I replay it everytime I get a voicemail...Today when I listened to it....I missed him like I've never missed anyone else in my life. A part of me just can't imagine....or won't imagine that he's not here living and breathing the same air as me...I can't fathom that the world has taken John...it just hasn't hit me yet...I don't know how to deal with this, I've never lost someone that I've had such mixed feelings about. The last time I saw John...we hung out all day...and as we were driving in my car he looked over at me and said I had the cutest nose he'd ever seen...I kinda laughed and told him to stop it...that no one has a cute nose and he leaned over and said...Jenna, I've always loved your nose...its beautiful...Then tonight as me and my mom were driving she said something about my nose...and I instantly thot of John....I told my mom what he had said and she said...You know what Jenna there wasn't much about you that John DIDN'T love...It was at that moment that I wondered to myself...Is it possible that I've lost the love of my life? What if John was the one for me...what if I was meant to be with him...What if we were meant to be together? Have I missed out on having what people wait lifetimes for??
When John got sick...I started talking to him about what we'd do in the future, I immediatly went into my "we'll make it through this together mode" and I didn't stop to think about what if he didn't make it...When John started losing hair...I said "it's only hair....it'll grow back..." when he lost eyelashes I said the same thing...When his throat was so soar from radiation that he had a hard time swallowing I told him that was a good sign because his radiation was working...he complained about gaining weight I said....we'd both sign up for a gym membership when he got better and we'd be workout partners...I never once stopped to think that maybe he wouldn't make it. I wonder sometimes if he knew he was going to die...I wonder what I could have done differently....to help him.....
I started cleaning out my room tonight...I went through my drawers and was trying to sort out some clothes for the good will when I came across a box of notes from John...I started reading them...and instantly the words came right back to my mind...I've read them a thousand times before and could read them from memory but to see his hand writing and to know that at one time he had written down all his feelings for me in these notes...it overwhelmed me...
I will never be able to throw those out...Its hard enough to let go of a first love....Never mind...really let go of them...I've been to the cemetery and I've talked with John several times...its so hard for me to believe he's happy...He's never liked to lose things...so for him to have lost to Cancer...I know he's miserable....and so am I...b/c truthfully I don't know how to move on from this...I don't even know where to begin...
It will be 2 months in 10 days and it still feels like yesterday...
From the minute I woke up...I thought about him.
I was doing errands all day and I had my iPod playing in my car and it seemed like the random shuffle wasn't so random today. Every song that came on....reminded me of him...it was like he was trying to get to me...First it was Brian Mcknight's song....the only one for me...when John and I broke up...I listened to that song over and over....that and Anytime...which also played randomly later on in the day...I have a lot of random songs on my iPod from country to rap and classical to rock...and all day...Keith Sweat played,Brian Mcknight came on, 112 came on with the song Cupid that John used to LOVE...I keep a picture of him in my car...seeing him reminds me to make smart decisions...it helps me to stay focused on whats important on a day to day basis...I imagine that he's with me...helping me from day to day make major decisions and I know if he were really here with me he'd be giving me his real opinion.
Sometimes I still imagine this is all a terrible nightmare...I have one voicemail saved from him...I replay it everytime I get a voicemail...Today when I listened to it....I missed him like I've never missed anyone else in my life. A part of me just can't imagine....or won't imagine that he's not here living and breathing the same air as me...I can't fathom that the world has taken John...it just hasn't hit me yet...I don't know how to deal with this, I've never lost someone that I've had such mixed feelings about. The last time I saw John...we hung out all day...and as we were driving in my car he looked over at me and said I had the cutest nose he'd ever seen...I kinda laughed and told him to stop it...that no one has a cute nose and he leaned over and said...Jenna, I've always loved your nose...its beautiful...Then tonight as me and my mom were driving she said something about my nose...and I instantly thot of John....I told my mom what he had said and she said...You know what Jenna there wasn't much about you that John DIDN'T love...It was at that moment that I wondered to myself...Is it possible that I've lost the love of my life? What if John was the one for me...what if I was meant to be with him...What if we were meant to be together? Have I missed out on having what people wait lifetimes for??
When John got sick...I started talking to him about what we'd do in the future, I immediatly went into my "we'll make it through this together mode" and I didn't stop to think about what if he didn't make it...When John started losing hair...I said "it's only hair....it'll grow back..." when he lost eyelashes I said the same thing...When his throat was so soar from radiation that he had a hard time swallowing I told him that was a good sign because his radiation was working...he complained about gaining weight I said....we'd both sign up for a gym membership when he got better and we'd be workout partners...I never once stopped to think that maybe he wouldn't make it. I wonder sometimes if he knew he was going to die...I wonder what I could have done differently....to help him.....
I started cleaning out my room tonight...I went through my drawers and was trying to sort out some clothes for the good will when I came across a box of notes from John...I started reading them...and instantly the words came right back to my mind...I've read them a thousand times before and could read them from memory but to see his hand writing and to know that at one time he had written down all his feelings for me in these notes...it overwhelmed me...
I will never be able to throw those out...Its hard enough to let go of a first love....Never mind...really let go of them...I've been to the cemetery and I've talked with John several times...its so hard for me to believe he's happy...He's never liked to lose things...so for him to have lost to Cancer...I know he's miserable....and so am I...b/c truthfully I don't know how to move on from this...I don't even know where to begin...
It will be 2 months in 10 days and it still feels like yesterday...