Drink up, baby

[petrouchka47]

I guess this is where I spill my guts and tell my story, where I explain what caused terrible misunderstanding that ended it all--my happiness. Or you can say I never had it all along. I seem to have an Elliott Smith song constantly playing in my head, telling me "drink up, baby and don't say a word" or "I never meant to hurt you." Either way, I'm filled with regret. Regret for the things I took for granted when I had them, regret for the things I might have said along the way. I wake up every morning with regret. It's a dear friend I hadn't seen for two years, a neighbor I never waved to, but suddenly he's here all along. I don't want to hate my life as I do now. I want to wake up every morning with a smile on my face and, most of all, I want the opportunity to look forward to things again. Up to four months ago, I had something that kept my motor running, something which I don't think I can replace, at least not immediately. It took me twenty years to find him. I know that sounds mighty dramatic, but it's true. I never made friends easily. I had a friend once when I was young--a real friend-- but due to the circumstances of our youth, we were torn apart for some six or seven years. We found each other again, but it's not the same. I try to conform myself, but there's a big gap of time that creates a void between us. I hope that won't happen with he and I. I don't think we can ever mend the friendship. I can't stand next to him as an acquaintance, let alone a platonic friend. No, I want him as I had him, or least as I have him now in my mind.
Everyday your shadow grows fainter. Everyday my mind erases just one more part of you. I think you would've wanted it this way. I still think of you though. I imagine you at my side constantly. Watching me work, watching me eat, watching me watching you. I sound like a stalker, but those who knew us would understand. How we spent everyday together, how we helped each other when the other needed, and how this wasn't easy for anyone.