Sisterly affection
Prompt: "As his sister, I feel like it's my duty to inform you that- douchebag over there? He's ass backwards in love with you"
Left at the meme (part one) by sara345
Original post date: 29-08-2010
Warning: None except for never beta'ed.
Character: Puck's sister, Puck, Rachel
Word Count: 1 499
Disclaimer: Don't own
Author note: This one should be my favorite, but it's not. Will probably be edited eventually to make it what it should be.
On the best of days, Noah is an annoying older brother. On ordinary ones, he is closer to an aggravating and nosy pain in her ass. Tonight? Tonight her mother would wash her mouth with soap if she said just what she thought of him.
"You told him what?" She's not screeching. She doesn't screech. She's just... trying not to shout cause it's the middle of the night and their mother is sleeping the sleep of someone who doesn't know just how much of a moron her only son is.
"I don't see what the big problem is. You told me not two days ago that "he's sooo dreamy" and "you knew the universe was gonna bring you back to one another" and "oh my god, you had this dream and he was all sweet and romantic" and blah blah blah." He's doing this high pitch dumb-blond voice and making jazz-hand air quotes when he pretends to be quoting her and she really, really wants to punch him.
"OK, first of, I did not tell you that. I was on the phone with Jessica and you had no right to eavesdrop."
"I wasn't eavesdropping, you were standing in the kitchen!"
"I was making a sandwich!"
"Well, next time I'll know that you making a sandwich in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon is you needing some privacy to say crazy things to your girlie friends!"
"Argh! You're just..." Honestly, she could strangle him. "Why were you even talking to Sam anyway? You hate the guy!"
"I don't hate him."
"Noah, you wrote ass wipe on his truck with paint and you unscrewed all his wheels. You could have killed him!"
"Huh, no. If I had wanted to kill him I would have slacked them so they'd fall off on the free way, not removed them so they'd come off on the first ten feet. Anyway, he was making you cry!"
"We were having a fight! Girls cry!"
"Well, again, maybe they shouldn't do it in the middle of the kitchen in front of their brother. What is it with you and kitchen anyway, don't you have a bedroom?"
"Hum, yeah, let us try and remember what happened last time I tried to go to my bedroom with a boy while you were at home, shall we?"
"This is ridiculous. I don't know why you are so upset with me. I'm just doing my job as your older brother. That's what I am and it's what I do, just deal with it."
"My problem? My problem is that tonight you told a guy that I haven't dated for four months, a guy that dumped me because he thought my crazy-ass brother would end up maiming him and who's already half convinced that the crazy genes runs in our family that I still saw myself bearing his love children!"
"He was asking about you! what did you want me to do, lie?"
"No, but a simple "she's good, enjoying the holidays" would have done tough."
"Oh, whatever. It's not like I lied anyway. If it's the truth, it's worth saying. On that, I'm going to bed. Please try to convince mum that I don't absolutely need to attend the Shabbat service tomorrow, will you? I could really use a lie-in."
She stares at him as he walks up the stairs to his bedroom. How he can live so far up his own ass without asphyxiating she isn't sure. One thing she knows, though, he can choke on his lie-in.
_______
She's still seething the next day.
It's not something her mother usually make them do, attend Saturday morning service (as a single mother, she has to work more often than not on Shabbat anyway), but ever since Noah had started university, she couldn't resist parading her perfect son in the face of the entire Jewish community who once had thought he'd never amount to nothing. So, whenever he was home for a week-end, it meant attending service as a family and staying for the JCC lunch afterward (it was both a curse and a blessing; at least it kept Noah from visiting too often).
All the way through the prayers, she racked her brain for a way to make him pay. Having him up early on a Saturday wasn't nearly enough. Setting his bag of dirty laundry on fire might be a bit much (and there was a high probability that her mother wouldn't understand and would make her pay for replacing his clothes - which he'd love entirely too much). She didn't know enough about mechanic to wreck havoc on his truck and he had taken his X-Box with him to school.
And then, at the gathering that followed service, she received a sign that the Good Lord was on her side and wanted her to get a complete and total revenge on her brother. She makes sure Noah is busy at the buffet and quickly makes her way to the small brunette that just walked through the door on the other side of the room.
"Hi, can I talk to you?"
"Hello, do we know each other? Oh yes, I believe I remember you, you are Noah's younger sister aren't you? I attended your Bat Mitzvah a few years back, your mother had asked me if I could attend and display my lovely voice to provide entertainment in between the band's set and of course I accepted because every opportunity to make myself heard is a good opportunity and you never know who's family members can lead to Broadway connections. After all, six degrees of separation and all that."
The flow of words coming out of the girl's mouth is impressive. Her brother's craziness apparently has affected his taste in woman because, yes, she's all sweet and cute, but who wouldn't want to set themselves on fire after five minutes with this chatter-box?
"Hum, yeah, that was nice I guess. But I really wanted to talk to you because, you see, as his sister, I feel like it's my duty to inform you that- douche bag over there? He's ass backwards in love with you."
She watches the poor girl sputter and cough in her glass.
"I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else."
"You're Rachel Berry aren't you?" The girl nod and she continues, "Then it's definitely your name that I hear him moan every night."
Rachel's look turns to completely disgusted and her outraged squeal is so loud, she's sure the whole room heard it. And yes, Noah has just spotted them and he's sure to come see what it was all about. She needs to wrap this up quickly.
"Oh gross, no! Not like that! He's an ape but even he's got enough common sense to do that in silence. No, he dreams about you. He moans your name in his sleep."
On second thought, she's sure one is any better than the other - both are proof that her brother wants to bone this girl - but Rachel seems to think it makes a world of difference because her expression is confused and unbelieving but nowhere near disgusted when Noah reaches them.
"Hey Rach, Bug. What's going on?"
The question is clearly directed at her and with her sweetest smile for her brother, she replies:
"Oh you know, just having a truthful conversation with Rachel here. About how you want her to bear your love child." She quickly shoves her hand in her purse and grabs her phone. "Oh, gotta run, that's Jessica wanting to make plans for the day. Don't wait up!"
With that she runs from her brother's murderous look and Rachel's questioning eyes and can just hear in the distance "Noah, would you care to explain?"
______
It's past two in the morning when she finally comes home. Her mum already left for her night shift and Noah's car is in the drive but all the lights are off so here's to hoping he's already in bed.
She makes her way upstairs carefully, in case he's not quite asleep (angry and tired Noah is a bad combination, he's like a toddler that way. Better wait until the morning to deal with the tantrum).
Walking past his bedroom door, she hears a familiar half whispered "Fuck, Rachel". Apparently, complete mortification doesn't stop Noah's unconscious from wanting the girl. This time however, it's followed by a higher pitched "Oh, God, Noah!" She cringes and hurries to her own bedroom, closes the door loudly, so they'd know she was home before she can hear the springs start creaking.
How fair is that? Her idiot brother ruins her life, twice, and when she tries to retaliate she ends up giving him what he's wanted for the last five years!
_______
In his mind, Noah Puckerman is praying earnestly for the first time in forever. "Dear Good Lord, Your ways are truly mysterious but, really, truly, thank you for finally getting me into her pants!"