borderline between what and what?
i'm feeling sad again. it must be my meds. this is a good reason to remain consistent. but i am frustrated. i'm at cafe apropos with gwen, and it isn't kerouac. it's not too bad, though. i'm trying to study for my midterm and i really don't want to.
david says he never wants to date again and i'm okay with that.
i had a sort of frustrating hang out with danielle today. it turned out okay. she wanted to set goals, which is hard for me. i don't think in goals, i'm more reactive than proactive. becoming more proactive would be a good thing, yes. but i just don't think of things that way, so it was hard. i felt frustrated because i didn't know what she wanted from me. one of the goals was to teach homechurch again, so she wanted practical steps of things i need to accomplish before i'm ready. that was hard for me, because i want to teach now, and in my eyes the only reason i'm not is because the leadership team wanted me to have the time and space i need to work out my emotional shit without having to worry about teaching. i dig that, but, as Melvin would say, "Psychology and economics are different. Susanna's stay isn't fixed, but it depends on her response to treatment." what i mean to say is, of course, i have no idea when i'll be "ready." i don't even know what being ready is, let alone how long that'll take. i mean, i could wake up some day next week with some sort of revelation and everything be quite fine from there on out. or, most definitely, it will take years for me to work through all of my shit. i mean, truly, no one's shit is ever fully worked out. everyone knows that, no one is expecting me to have fully worked out anything. but then, what? how much, then, until i'm ready? there is no line. therefore, how could i reasonably create practical goals to ready myself to teach again? it doesn't go like that to me. to me, it seems much more reasonable to just work on being faithful to whatever god is putting right in front of me, and then, as Slim said, if God wants to raise me up, he will. i'm not trying to work towards teaching or leadership or anything like that at all. i'm just trying to learn how to love and serve and follow god where he's leading me in the here and now. i don't really gaze into the future, i guess, and maybe that could be a problem. but it's just how my mind naturally works. we will see what happens. in the meantime...whatever.
D"Treatment? for what? depression? look, it's almost christmas time, what are we supposed to say to the people back home who love her?"
S"You see, Melvin, my parents are having a little holiday-cocktail-christmas-party-crisis."
D"Susanna!!!"
S"What?"
M"What about all that borderline business you mentioned on the phone?"
Ml"uhh...look...i don't think that's helpful..."
S"borderline? what? borderline between what and what? melvin?!?!"
Ml"it's a condition, Susanna. It's called borderline personality disorder. It's not that uncommon, especially among young women."
S"Is it genetic?"
D"Susanna!!"
Ml"It is 3 times more likely among those with a...borderline...parent..."
M"*sigh* I'm sorry, I can't take this...I'm sorry."
onward.
david says he never wants to date again and i'm okay with that.
i had a sort of frustrating hang out with danielle today. it turned out okay. she wanted to set goals, which is hard for me. i don't think in goals, i'm more reactive than proactive. becoming more proactive would be a good thing, yes. but i just don't think of things that way, so it was hard. i felt frustrated because i didn't know what she wanted from me. one of the goals was to teach homechurch again, so she wanted practical steps of things i need to accomplish before i'm ready. that was hard for me, because i want to teach now, and in my eyes the only reason i'm not is because the leadership team wanted me to have the time and space i need to work out my emotional shit without having to worry about teaching. i dig that, but, as Melvin would say, "Psychology and economics are different. Susanna's stay isn't fixed, but it depends on her response to treatment." what i mean to say is, of course, i have no idea when i'll be "ready." i don't even know what being ready is, let alone how long that'll take. i mean, i could wake up some day next week with some sort of revelation and everything be quite fine from there on out. or, most definitely, it will take years for me to work through all of my shit. i mean, truly, no one's shit is ever fully worked out. everyone knows that, no one is expecting me to have fully worked out anything. but then, what? how much, then, until i'm ready? there is no line. therefore, how could i reasonably create practical goals to ready myself to teach again? it doesn't go like that to me. to me, it seems much more reasonable to just work on being faithful to whatever god is putting right in front of me, and then, as Slim said, if God wants to raise me up, he will. i'm not trying to work towards teaching or leadership or anything like that at all. i'm just trying to learn how to love and serve and follow god where he's leading me in the here and now. i don't really gaze into the future, i guess, and maybe that could be a problem. but it's just how my mind naturally works. we will see what happens. in the meantime...whatever.
D"Treatment? for what? depression? look, it's almost christmas time, what are we supposed to say to the people back home who love her?"
S"You see, Melvin, my parents are having a little holiday-cocktail-christmas-party-crisis."
D"Susanna!!!"
S"What?"
M"What about all that borderline business you mentioned on the phone?"
Ml"uhh...look...i don't think that's helpful..."
S"borderline? what? borderline between what and what? melvin?!?!"
Ml"it's a condition, Susanna. It's called borderline personality disorder. It's not that uncommon, especially among young women."
S"Is it genetic?"
D"Susanna!!"
Ml"It is 3 times more likely among those with a...borderline...parent..."
M"*sigh* I'm sorry, I can't take this...I'm sorry."
onward.