what if all the what ifs come true?
it's hard living with the fact that you might have messed up something really great. living in the unknown. it's hard to see how messed up of a person you are and how you hurt the people you love the most because of it, and if you allow yourself to be close to someone again you know you're going to hurt them again. that's what happens when you're a messed up person.
i really don't like not knowing what's going to happen. i know that i would take it all back if i could. what a terrible experience, to betray someone you care about so much. and then to face the possibility of being rejected then by them. how the tables have turned. meanwhile you can't even be sure how you really feel, and you just have to wait and wait. and then you wonder if even telling them how you feel is going to hurt them more, or just make everything even worse. but then not telling them how you feel could be a terrible mistake. it's just a huge leap of faith you have to take and not know what the outcome will be. this is something i'll definitely need to be praying about a lot. i have no control in this situation.
it's hard to believe god that you can change in this area. i've always been petrified of commitment and intimacy. i don't even know how not to be, how to truly open my heart up to someone, to be vulnerable to be hurt, to be responsible for hurting or not hurting them. this is probably something you can only learn by doing it. what a frightening thing.
i'm absolutely swimming in guilt, just thinking about what he must have gone through because of my decisions and actions...the pain he must of felt. i want that to all go away. i wish i could take it back, but i can't. now i understand how it must have felt. i never wanted to cause this sort of pain for somebody, i wouldn't wish this on anyone at all.
i didn't know life could be this emotional. how are you supposed to cope with this?
my method of coping has always been the same--keep people at arm's length, don't let anyone in. be an open book so that no one will be suspicious, but in reality you are completely closed off. be prepared for the worst. search for false intimacy in order to fill that relational void. don't tell people when they've hurt you because you might get hurt more. don't let yourself get hurt, but instead use others, hurt them before they can hurt you. turn off your heart, so that you won't feel it when someone does something that would hurt you. just be cold, an island, unaffected by anyone. run from all of your problems, avoid them and bottle up your anger. dig yourself a grave. end up depressed and self-medicated. just search for pleasure. you're completely alone, and you will be forever unless something changes. you can't change yourself. change is scary. don't do anything scary or uncomfortable cuz you might get hurt. AVOID ALL PAIN! hurt them before they can hurt you...this has been my life-long pattern.
i want to change it, but that does mean getting hurt and hurting others. you have two choices, pain or pain. the pain of relationship or the pain of loneliness. you know it's supposed to be worth it, but you never believed that it was. now you think it might be, but it might be too late already. so now what? wait to find out. you are at the mercy of another. this is exactly the position you've never wanted to be in. now that you've chosen to be, you have to deal with the consequences. if it doesn't work out, are you going to be even more afraid and insecure? or are you going to realize it wasn't that bad and be willing to try it again?
what about Jennine? a woman you hardly know, but her story has the fingerprints of God all over it. thank god that God is good, and i know that he will provide. i know that he honors scary steps of faith. i want to choose Him.
but what if you're not choosing Him? what if you actually are making the wrong decision? what if you hurt this person even more? that's the last thing you ever want to do. but how will you know unless you go ahead and leap into the unknown? who knows?
that's all. just wait and see.
i really don't like not knowing what's going to happen. i know that i would take it all back if i could. what a terrible experience, to betray someone you care about so much. and then to face the possibility of being rejected then by them. how the tables have turned. meanwhile you can't even be sure how you really feel, and you just have to wait and wait. and then you wonder if even telling them how you feel is going to hurt them more, or just make everything even worse. but then not telling them how you feel could be a terrible mistake. it's just a huge leap of faith you have to take and not know what the outcome will be. this is something i'll definitely need to be praying about a lot. i have no control in this situation.
it's hard to believe god that you can change in this area. i've always been petrified of commitment and intimacy. i don't even know how not to be, how to truly open my heart up to someone, to be vulnerable to be hurt, to be responsible for hurting or not hurting them. this is probably something you can only learn by doing it. what a frightening thing.
i'm absolutely swimming in guilt, just thinking about what he must have gone through because of my decisions and actions...the pain he must of felt. i want that to all go away. i wish i could take it back, but i can't. now i understand how it must have felt. i never wanted to cause this sort of pain for somebody, i wouldn't wish this on anyone at all.
i didn't know life could be this emotional. how are you supposed to cope with this?
my method of coping has always been the same--keep people at arm's length, don't let anyone in. be an open book so that no one will be suspicious, but in reality you are completely closed off. be prepared for the worst. search for false intimacy in order to fill that relational void. don't tell people when they've hurt you because you might get hurt more. don't let yourself get hurt, but instead use others, hurt them before they can hurt you. turn off your heart, so that you won't feel it when someone does something that would hurt you. just be cold, an island, unaffected by anyone. run from all of your problems, avoid them and bottle up your anger. dig yourself a grave. end up depressed and self-medicated. just search for pleasure. you're completely alone, and you will be forever unless something changes. you can't change yourself. change is scary. don't do anything scary or uncomfortable cuz you might get hurt. AVOID ALL PAIN! hurt them before they can hurt you...this has been my life-long pattern.
i want to change it, but that does mean getting hurt and hurting others. you have two choices, pain or pain. the pain of relationship or the pain of loneliness. you know it's supposed to be worth it, but you never believed that it was. now you think it might be, but it might be too late already. so now what? wait to find out. you are at the mercy of another. this is exactly the position you've never wanted to be in. now that you've chosen to be, you have to deal with the consequences. if it doesn't work out, are you going to be even more afraid and insecure? or are you going to realize it wasn't that bad and be willing to try it again?
what about Jennine? a woman you hardly know, but her story has the fingerprints of God all over it. thank god that God is good, and i know that he will provide. i know that he honors scary steps of faith. i want to choose Him.
but what if you're not choosing Him? what if you actually are making the wrong decision? what if you hurt this person even more? that's the last thing you ever want to do. but how will you know unless you go ahead and leap into the unknown? who knows?
that's all. just wait and see.