(no subject)
Sunday....what can I say...it was interesing...I went to church. My mom actually came with me this time. Hung out with the fam and ate a delicious dinner at good old fashioned cracker barrel. Yummm.......I'm watching the VMAs. Hmmm...so hoobastank performed for like two seconds! What was that about? And come on people! Why do most of these artists sound like CRAP live? It really bothers me. That should be your moment in the spotlight! Your moment to shine! And you sound horrible? Yeah that just doesnt work for me. But whatever...its not like I can sing. Or maybe I could if I was in a studio re and re and re recording things...Using technology to make my voice just a tad bit more stable....hmmmm....think about it! I'm kinda down right now. I've been really upbeat lately. My life is coming together slowly but surely and I'm away from bad influences and bad situations. But even so its like they haunt me. I've been reading my live journal! All the entries dating way back to my dustin days... It just makes me so sad. I had such high hopes for akron! I loved those people. And I still do...I just dont understand how friends can treat supposed friends that way. I would have and did do anything I could for those people. They were my life... Jimmy was my life. Now its all gone...Thats hard to handle...I miss them...I miss the good times I had with them...I miss Jimmy terribly. I put that boy on a pedestal! He was my world! And he is just gone... Why do people do that? Why come into somebodys life and make them feel so amazing just to tear them apart in the end? Why bother getting involved in a serious relationship if you are just going to cheat? It just doesnt make since in my mind. I love you...three little words that really arent so little. They are HUGE in my mind. HUGE!! If you really do love somebody then you wouldnt hurt them...Dont use those words unless you can handle all that comes with it...I learned that the hard way...but the thing is I still love him...I dont think I'll ever stop...Read my old entries...This boy was like my angel...He was so different and he made feel so special...I'm done with relationships for a long time. I stayed away from them my whole life and then in just this past year or so I let them become one of my main focuses. Its not worth it. It did more damage than good. Someday I'll fall in love with an amazing guy hopefully a musician who will never hurt me...Thats my dream...I just want one person to not use me...not abuse me...not take my dreams and turn them into nightmares...just someone to love me... Rockstar boyfriend WHERE ARE YOU??? HELLOOOOOOO!! I AM WAITING!! CAN YOU JUST COME NOW??? Haha...maybe I'll find my rockstar boyfriend at school! Ugh...school starts on Wednesday!! I'm taking 17 credits! I need to work my ass off to get back into academic shape! Man akron killed my gpa!! Oh well...I'm one semester away from UCLA!! Atleast thats what I keep telling myself. Its true...good grades leads to UCLA and my cali dreams and eventually my rockstar boyfriend! HAHA!! Wish me luck! If I go to school I'll do great...its just a matter of getting me there...all though now I really want to be there...living at home is insanitY!! Its not as bad as it was or it could be but its still bad. Akron was cool cause I could do whatever I wanted. The thing was I didnt do anything. I was sucked into this black hole. I dont know what it was. Maybe the drugs or the alcohol or the constant damaging relationship abuse...I'm not quite sure. I do know since I've been home and away from all that I feel better. Physically and mentally I've been on the up. My stomach twists and turns anytime I think about akron or jim or drama...but for the most part its doing alot better. Some other things bring my health down but hopefully I'll find a way to handle that as well. I think all good things must come to an end as well as all bad things. Akron was a chapter in my life. A crazy chapter! It helped me realize who I wanted to be and who I didnt want to be. I went from a happy go lucky super fun bubbly girl to this thing that was barely alive. I was so dark and hurt and tormented and just in so much pain...I lost what made me great when I was there...I lost my innocence...I lost my sparkle...But I'm getting it back. I learned things. It was an experience. One I should never of had but one that taught me well... I dont ever want to be that Christie that was dieing there again...I dont ever want people to be able to hurt me over and over and over again...I will never let myself sink into that dark abyss again. I have so much to offer to this world and so much to give...I have dreams...I have a future...Getting drunk every single night and wasting away on different chemicals and what not doesnt help anyone. Sure for that night you have a great time and you forget all that bothers you or you just push it aside but eventually you will have to wake up from that partying daze and grow up and put your life back together. You can run and you can hide but someone or something someday is going to find you. I'm glad I was found...I'm on my way to where I want to be. I'll always remember that chapter...Its not completely over yet...But when I remember it will be with a clear mind and a promising future...Just some words and thoughts from crazy christie...peace