(no subject)
Christie Lewis does not learn things the easy way... Everyone can warn me and it wouldnt make a difference. I learn through experience. It sucks but atleast I do learn something. I've realized that one of my big problems is that I focus on everyone else and not truly myself. I have this complex... I dont know how to explain it. I'm so desperate for affection and friendship that I lower my standards. I turn to people and substances that in no way shape or form help better my life. I pay for everything. I do everything. I get this weird idea that if I buy things and take people places etc... that they will be my friend. When in reality it just allows them to use me. I get attatched too quickly and too strongly to different people. So when they are gone its like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest. I feel nothing but pain. Its not like any other pain. It hurts every inch of your body inside and out and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Relationships in my life never go the way I want them too. I'm inexperienced when it comes to the world of dating. I've never really dated. I've had a boyfriend or nothing... I get involved with people and they become my world. They become my everything. But they shouldnt... I put all my trust in them when they dont deserve that. They have done nothing to earn it. But I want to be loved. I want someone to be there. I want to feel beautiful. I want to feel needed. I want to feel like I have worth. For some crazy reason I only think I can feel those things if I'm involved with someone. I'm not a bad person. I'm actually a really good person and I always try to see the positive in others. I look past the negative... This is a good things sometimes but it gets me into trouble. I ignore the warning signs... I pretend they arent there... Everything is just dandy... My life is extremely chaotic. Its drama that I cant control. Just at this point my family and friends etc... are all going through rough times. Its hard to deal with everything by yourself. Its even harder when you think someone is there for you and then they turn out not to be. True friends are there for each other. Even if one of them is completely insane, if you are their friend than you are there. You cant pick and choose times that are convenient to be a friend. I think there are only a few people in your life that are really going to make a difference, that are really going to affect you, that are really people you are going to love. For me, I dont get close to very many people. So when I do its a huge deal. and a huge let down...