Fic: Persistence of Memory 13/14
Previous Chapters
Chapter Thirteen
***
"I keep having this dream,” Thera spoke quietly to Jonah where they rested in their little niche, “Over and over again.”
"A bad dream?” Jonah’s arms tightened around her in concern.
"No,” Thera shook her head, “Not exactly.”
"Not exactly?” Jonah prodded her, “What’s it about? You dreaming about walking into the dining area naked?”
Thera laughed, “No.”
"I dream about that,” Jonah murmured, “You, naked in the dining area, no one else around but me…”
"Jonah,” Thera pushed at his chest lightly, “We are not having sex in the dining area.”
"C’mon,” Jonah needled, “It’s after lights out, no one will be around.”
Thera snorted, knowing he wasn’t really serious, “No.”
"So if we aren’t going to do that,” Jonah mock sighed, “Then tell me about your dream then?”
Thera shifted, “It’s the same thing. I keep seeing a tunnel. But it isn’t a normal tunnel, its blue, liquid, like water and cold.”
"A blue tunnel?”
"Yes. No. Not a tunnel. A…” Thera searched for the word and couldn’t find it, “It’s twisted and it feels like you're being pushed through with a great force behind you. It’s noisy and thrilling and wonderful.” Her voice trailed off into an excited hush.
Jonah made a thoughtful noise, “Sounds interesting.”
"I feel as though it’s important,” Thera said, “I can’t explain why, but every time I dream about this tunnel, I feel like if I could just get to the end of the tunnel I’d get…”
"Home,” Jonah finished quietly for her.
Thera looked at him in surprise, her breath going out of her at the seriousness in his eyes, “Yes. Home.”
***
When he was finally cleared to leave the base, Jack did all the usual things he did when he got back from a long, unexpected absence from home. He cleared out his fridge, aired out musty rooms and restocked his kitchen with the necessary items, namely beer and cereal. Then he sat himself in front of the television with a cold beer in his hand and Simpsons episodes he had borrowed from Siler flashing across the screen.
However, the bright yellow cartoon failed to take his mind from one Samantha Carter. With a heavy sigh, Jack shut off the tv and headed out to the deck, into the sunshine. He couldn’t get enough of the warm heat and the freedom of being in open air after being held for so long underground. He closed his eyes and tipped his face towards the sun, breathing in the familiar scent of home.
"I never thought I‘d have kids,” Sam’s soft voice caused him to open his eyes and spin briskly around to face her.
She looked pale in the natural light, but no less beautiful.
"I always assumed with work and the SGC and the Air Force,” Sam kept going when he didn’t respond, “It would be enough. It always has been.”
"Same with having a-” She looked away from his unreadable gaze, dropping her eyes to the wooden decking, “Partner. I’ve never had the kind of relationship that we-” She stumbled slightly over the words, “That they had back on the planet.”
"And now?” Jack asked quietly, watching as her hands reached up to wrap around herself.
"The idea of having a baby seems a little surreal,” She huffed lightly in disbelief, “But I can’t deny that I think I want this. I want the chance.” She bit her lip.
"The chance to have a kid?” Jack pushed her, “Or the chance with having a partner and a kid?”
Sam stared at him for a long moment, her words seemingly changing the subject, “I miss Jonah.”
Jack frowned.
"I miss him, but he was never real was he?” she said softly, “Jonah and Thera. They were other people.”
"No,” Jack said firmly, stepping closer to her, “They were real, I think we have proof of that.” His eyes dropped to her stomach and Sam flinched.
Sam clenched her eyes shut tightly; when she opened them again, Jack could see her eyes darken with the heavy emotions pressing in on her, “I’m confused.”
"I’m confused daily Carter,” His words were light, but the joking tone in Jack’s voice was absent.
"Seeing you as Jonah doesn’t make sense. When I look at you I think you're not him, you're not Jonah. You’re my commanding officer and I can’t just change my way of thinking of you to Jonah. I can’t even think of you as Jack yet. Not overnight.”
She paused, taking a deep breath.
"It’s not that I don’t want this. One side of me, Thera, is familiar with you and comfortable with that relationship. But the other side of me is screaming that we aren’t allowed to do this and I can’t just make it go away.”
Jack didn’t say a word. Just watched her closely with cautious eyes as she paced in front of him nervously. Her words spilling out before she could sensor them.
"Thera might have been ready for this, dealt with everything better than this. It's like one part of me already knows you, has this intimate relationship with you. But the other part of me. The real me, this is all new. And I can’t just slip into Thera’s role.”
"I’d never expect you to be Thera,” Jack shook his head, “You're forgetting I have the whole Jekyll and Hyde thing going on up here too.” Jack tapped his forehead, “I still think of you as Carter, still have this weirdly separate but also familiar image of knowing you as Thera.”
"You seem to be taking it a hell of a lot better than me,” Sam said dryly.
"I guess,” Jack’s sighed softly, his head cocked slightly to the side as he looked at her, “I’m a simple guy Carter. Whether you're called Thera or Carter or Sam or Wendy I don’t care. I just want to be with you. With the woman I’ve spent the last four years trying to pretend I’m not attracted to.”
"Oh.” The breath went out of Sam as she stared at the intense emotion in his face. It wasn’t just attraction; she could read something in his face that both scared and thrilled her, “It’s always been us hasn’t it?” She thought back to the flirting, the attraction and the thinly disguised feelings that had been present during almost the entire time they had known each other.
"It’s always been us,” Jack said, “For me.”
Sam reached a steadying hand out to the railing next to her, shifting herself next to the colonel. To Jack.
"It’s always been us for me too,” Sam said, “But I’m not sure I’m ready for everything to change.”
Jack could understand that. It wasn’t just her personal life that was changing, her career and work life was about to take on a drastically different path, “You know I’m reaching the end of my use-by date in the field Carter. You might need to take a step back from missions right now, but it’s not the end, and trust me, we can figure something out. Get you back on SG1”
"In some ways, it feels as though my work is over,” Sam looked down as she spoke, “I know it sounds stupid but my career has been my whole life.”
"I get that Carter,” Jack said gently, “It would be cruel to take you away from something you love, something you're so damn good at. And it’s not the end, a break perhaps, but I can’t ever see the SGC letting you go.”
"Maybe,” Sam murmured.
"No maybe about it,” Jack raised his eyebrows, “The Earth would have been gone ten times over if it wasn’t for that brain of yours. You might be taking a bit of a different role, but you’ll be building reactors and preventing wormhole catastrophes again before you know it.”
"With a baby on my hip?” Sam raised her eyebrows in return.
"Any kid of yours will probably have memorised the periodic table by age 2 Carter,” Jack grinned, “But in the chance the kid takes after me, I could always do the stay-at-home dad gig.”
"You wouldn’t get bored?” Sam questioned.
Jack laughed, “I’m pretty sure I can find things to amuse myself outside of work. That’s never been a problem for me.”
Jack could still see the uncertainty written on her face. While he was doing the whole parenthood thing for the second time, Carter on the other hand was brand new to the mom role.
"You’ve always been more than just your career Sam,” Jack said, “And you can be more that just a mom too. It doesn’t limit you to one role for the rest of your life.”
"I know,” Sam accepted his words, change was inevitable, and maybe it wasn‘t going to be like she had thought, “But we need to take things slow. Start again.”
"I can do that. Take things as slow as you need.” Jack made sure to hold her gaze as he spoke, “I’d never pressure you Carter.”
"I know,” Sam let out a sharp breath, “The last few days… It’s like I’ve slipped back into my life but I’ve missed the last few years and everything has moved on. I‘m not ready yet. But I can‘t go back. We can‘t go back.”
"I don’t want to go back,” Jack said firmly, “On the planet, what Jonah had; that's what I want. It’s what I’ve wanted since before the damn stamp.”
Jack watched as heat rose in Sam’s cheeks, “I wanted it too. I just, never thought we’d get the chance.” One hand slipped down to rest against her belly and she looked down at where it lay.
"So we’re really going to do this?” Jack asked hopefully, his hand reaching out to press against hers where it rested on her stomach, “You want to give us a chance?”
Sam nodded, and gave him a tremulous smile, “Yeah, I want to. Just slow.”
"Do you think staying for pizza would be slow enough for you?” Jack suggested lightly, “We could stay in, catch up on the news.” His eyes made it clear there was no pressure for her to stay.
Sam took a deep breath, “Change the pizza to Thai and that sounds good to me.”
Jack grinned, “Who am I to argue with a pregnant lady.”
***
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Thirteen
***
"I keep having this dream,” Thera spoke quietly to Jonah where they rested in their little niche, “Over and over again.”
"A bad dream?” Jonah’s arms tightened around her in concern.
"No,” Thera shook her head, “Not exactly.”
"Not exactly?” Jonah prodded her, “What’s it about? You dreaming about walking into the dining area naked?”
Thera laughed, “No.”
"I dream about that,” Jonah murmured, “You, naked in the dining area, no one else around but me…”
"Jonah,” Thera pushed at his chest lightly, “We are not having sex in the dining area.”
"C’mon,” Jonah needled, “It’s after lights out, no one will be around.”
Thera snorted, knowing he wasn’t really serious, “No.”
"So if we aren’t going to do that,” Jonah mock sighed, “Then tell me about your dream then?”
Thera shifted, “It’s the same thing. I keep seeing a tunnel. But it isn’t a normal tunnel, its blue, liquid, like water and cold.”
"A blue tunnel?”
"Yes. No. Not a tunnel. A…” Thera searched for the word and couldn’t find it, “It’s twisted and it feels like you're being pushed through with a great force behind you. It’s noisy and thrilling and wonderful.” Her voice trailed off into an excited hush.
Jonah made a thoughtful noise, “Sounds interesting.”
"I feel as though it’s important,” Thera said, “I can’t explain why, but every time I dream about this tunnel, I feel like if I could just get to the end of the tunnel I’d get…”
"Home,” Jonah finished quietly for her.
Thera looked at him in surprise, her breath going out of her at the seriousness in his eyes, “Yes. Home.”
***
When he was finally cleared to leave the base, Jack did all the usual things he did when he got back from a long, unexpected absence from home. He cleared out his fridge, aired out musty rooms and restocked his kitchen with the necessary items, namely beer and cereal. Then he sat himself in front of the television with a cold beer in his hand and Simpsons episodes he had borrowed from Siler flashing across the screen.
However, the bright yellow cartoon failed to take his mind from one Samantha Carter. With a heavy sigh, Jack shut off the tv and headed out to the deck, into the sunshine. He couldn’t get enough of the warm heat and the freedom of being in open air after being held for so long underground. He closed his eyes and tipped his face towards the sun, breathing in the familiar scent of home.
"I never thought I‘d have kids,” Sam’s soft voice caused him to open his eyes and spin briskly around to face her.
She looked pale in the natural light, but no less beautiful.
"I always assumed with work and the SGC and the Air Force,” Sam kept going when he didn’t respond, “It would be enough. It always has been.”
"Same with having a-” She looked away from his unreadable gaze, dropping her eyes to the wooden decking, “Partner. I’ve never had the kind of relationship that we-” She stumbled slightly over the words, “That they had back on the planet.”
"And now?” Jack asked quietly, watching as her hands reached up to wrap around herself.
"The idea of having a baby seems a little surreal,” She huffed lightly in disbelief, “But I can’t deny that I think I want this. I want the chance.” She bit her lip.
"The chance to have a kid?” Jack pushed her, “Or the chance with having a partner and a kid?”
Sam stared at him for a long moment, her words seemingly changing the subject, “I miss Jonah.”
Jack frowned.
"I miss him, but he was never real was he?” she said softly, “Jonah and Thera. They were other people.”
"No,” Jack said firmly, stepping closer to her, “They were real, I think we have proof of that.” His eyes dropped to her stomach and Sam flinched.
Sam clenched her eyes shut tightly; when she opened them again, Jack could see her eyes darken with the heavy emotions pressing in on her, “I’m confused.”
"I’m confused daily Carter,” His words were light, but the joking tone in Jack’s voice was absent.
"Seeing you as Jonah doesn’t make sense. When I look at you I think you're not him, you're not Jonah. You’re my commanding officer and I can’t just change my way of thinking of you to Jonah. I can’t even think of you as Jack yet. Not overnight.”
She paused, taking a deep breath.
"It’s not that I don’t want this. One side of me, Thera, is familiar with you and comfortable with that relationship. But the other side of me is screaming that we aren’t allowed to do this and I can’t just make it go away.”
Jack didn’t say a word. Just watched her closely with cautious eyes as she paced in front of him nervously. Her words spilling out before she could sensor them.
"Thera might have been ready for this, dealt with everything better than this. It's like one part of me already knows you, has this intimate relationship with you. But the other part of me. The real me, this is all new. And I can’t just slip into Thera’s role.”
"I’d never expect you to be Thera,” Jack shook his head, “You're forgetting I have the whole Jekyll and Hyde thing going on up here too.” Jack tapped his forehead, “I still think of you as Carter, still have this weirdly separate but also familiar image of knowing you as Thera.”
"You seem to be taking it a hell of a lot better than me,” Sam said dryly.
"I guess,” Jack’s sighed softly, his head cocked slightly to the side as he looked at her, “I’m a simple guy Carter. Whether you're called Thera or Carter or Sam or Wendy I don’t care. I just want to be with you. With the woman I’ve spent the last four years trying to pretend I’m not attracted to.”
"Oh.” The breath went out of Sam as she stared at the intense emotion in his face. It wasn’t just attraction; she could read something in his face that both scared and thrilled her, “It’s always been us hasn’t it?” She thought back to the flirting, the attraction and the thinly disguised feelings that had been present during almost the entire time they had known each other.
"It’s always been us,” Jack said, “For me.”
Sam reached a steadying hand out to the railing next to her, shifting herself next to the colonel. To Jack.
"It’s always been us for me too,” Sam said, “But I’m not sure I’m ready for everything to change.”
Jack could understand that. It wasn’t just her personal life that was changing, her career and work life was about to take on a drastically different path, “You know I’m reaching the end of my use-by date in the field Carter. You might need to take a step back from missions right now, but it’s not the end, and trust me, we can figure something out. Get you back on SG1”
"In some ways, it feels as though my work is over,” Sam looked down as she spoke, “I know it sounds stupid but my career has been my whole life.”
"I get that Carter,” Jack said gently, “It would be cruel to take you away from something you love, something you're so damn good at. And it’s not the end, a break perhaps, but I can’t ever see the SGC letting you go.”
"Maybe,” Sam murmured.
"No maybe about it,” Jack raised his eyebrows, “The Earth would have been gone ten times over if it wasn’t for that brain of yours. You might be taking a bit of a different role, but you’ll be building reactors and preventing wormhole catastrophes again before you know it.”
"With a baby on my hip?” Sam raised her eyebrows in return.
"Any kid of yours will probably have memorised the periodic table by age 2 Carter,” Jack grinned, “But in the chance the kid takes after me, I could always do the stay-at-home dad gig.”
"You wouldn’t get bored?” Sam questioned.
Jack laughed, “I’m pretty sure I can find things to amuse myself outside of work. That’s never been a problem for me.”
Jack could still see the uncertainty written on her face. While he was doing the whole parenthood thing for the second time, Carter on the other hand was brand new to the mom role.
"You’ve always been more than just your career Sam,” Jack said, “And you can be more that just a mom too. It doesn’t limit you to one role for the rest of your life.”
"I know,” Sam accepted his words, change was inevitable, and maybe it wasn‘t going to be like she had thought, “But we need to take things slow. Start again.”
"I can do that. Take things as slow as you need.” Jack made sure to hold her gaze as he spoke, “I’d never pressure you Carter.”
"I know,” Sam let out a sharp breath, “The last few days… It’s like I’ve slipped back into my life but I’ve missed the last few years and everything has moved on. I‘m not ready yet. But I can‘t go back. We can‘t go back.”
"I don’t want to go back,” Jack said firmly, “On the planet, what Jonah had; that's what I want. It’s what I’ve wanted since before the damn stamp.”
Jack watched as heat rose in Sam’s cheeks, “I wanted it too. I just, never thought we’d get the chance.” One hand slipped down to rest against her belly and she looked down at where it lay.
"So we’re really going to do this?” Jack asked hopefully, his hand reaching out to press against hers where it rested on her stomach, “You want to give us a chance?”
Sam nodded, and gave him a tremulous smile, “Yeah, I want to. Just slow.”
"Do you think staying for pizza would be slow enough for you?” Jack suggested lightly, “We could stay in, catch up on the news.” His eyes made it clear there was no pressure for her to stay.
Sam took a deep breath, “Change the pizza to Thai and that sounds good to me.”
Jack grinned, “Who am I to argue with a pregnant lady.”
***
Chapter Fourteen