friday night....
So its not friday night yet but it will be, and i will be here at home with nothing to do. Yes here, with nothing to do.....sigh.....oh well, one day, one day.
For the time being, im on line, and just uploading a few pictures and stuff, but im not computer savvy, so i cant exactly get them onto my live journal, eventually i'll find a way. i have hope. IF THERE IS HOPE IT LIES IN ME. Well, thats what im journal says. i asked 2 friends to do me a favor, one said no and the other was more than glad to do it. I asked them to erase a certain person from my yahoo im list. then when my friend was about to do it i said no. i didnt have the courage to continue with that plan to erase this person from my life. so i said no. an hour later im talking to that friend who said she wouldnt erase him, and she decides to, as she is erasing him im saying no because, again i dont have the courage, but stupid cell phones had a little interference. and *poof* person is gone. well the point is that i was looking at my address book and he is still in there and as im looking at it he gets online. how do i erase a person that i want to hold on to? it makes no sense not even to me. my head does a million spins trying to rationalize this, and it doesnt work. how do i get my heart and my brain on the same page? can i? why cant they just both agree that this process of with drawl is best for me? i dunno im not making any sense. i dunno.....i understand that at a point all of us go through all this stuff, but why cant it just be a little easier?
I give up, sad because Espy doesnt give up, i never give up. i stick things through even when they get really hard, and for me to step back is horrible for me, not only beacause i have never truly done it, but mostly because i want it so much. i wish things could be like in a movie, a typical chick flick where everyone is happy at the end, and the girl gets the guy. is it wrong to want that. but i know thats not a reality and i will have to console myself by watching those chick flicks at work. to bad i cant cry at work, customers would laugh at me. and never come again cuz, the chick cries. lol. at least im able to laugh at myself. Grrrrr. i feel so helpless....i need to call berto and have him yell at me. yea, thats what i need...note to self, call berto.....ok. well i think im done letting things flow, when i became angry again, upset, .....ill use this as a form of catharsis. it helps. im kinda glad that a lot of people wont read this. yes my stupidity is immense.
For the time being, im on line, and just uploading a few pictures and stuff, but im not computer savvy, so i cant exactly get them onto my live journal, eventually i'll find a way. i have hope. IF THERE IS HOPE IT LIES IN ME. Well, thats what im journal says. i asked 2 friends to do me a favor, one said no and the other was more than glad to do it. I asked them to erase a certain person from my yahoo im list. then when my friend was about to do it i said no. i didnt have the courage to continue with that plan to erase this person from my life. so i said no. an hour later im talking to that friend who said she wouldnt erase him, and she decides to, as she is erasing him im saying no because, again i dont have the courage, but stupid cell phones had a little interference. and *poof* person is gone. well the point is that i was looking at my address book and he is still in there and as im looking at it he gets online. how do i erase a person that i want to hold on to? it makes no sense not even to me. my head does a million spins trying to rationalize this, and it doesnt work. how do i get my heart and my brain on the same page? can i? why cant they just both agree that this process of with drawl is best for me? i dunno im not making any sense. i dunno.....i understand that at a point all of us go through all this stuff, but why cant it just be a little easier?
I give up, sad because Espy doesnt give up, i never give up. i stick things through even when they get really hard, and for me to step back is horrible for me, not only beacause i have never truly done it, but mostly because i want it so much. i wish things could be like in a movie, a typical chick flick where everyone is happy at the end, and the girl gets the guy. is it wrong to want that. but i know thats not a reality and i will have to console myself by watching those chick flicks at work. to bad i cant cry at work, customers would laugh at me. and never come again cuz, the chick cries. lol. at least im able to laugh at myself. Grrrrr. i feel so helpless....i need to call berto and have him yell at me. yea, thats what i need...note to self, call berto.....ok. well i think im done letting things flow, when i became angry again, upset, .....ill use this as a form of catharsis. it helps. im kinda glad that a lot of people wont read this. yes my stupidity is immense.