Methods is insane...
Okay, I've got a lot of stuff to get out, a lot of feelings, and they're probably going to end up as a jumble, so anyone who reads this (most only know about my Xanga, so there probably isn't many of you who will read this) might have some trouble following along.
I've made a vow to be honest with myself. Not to be scared of telling anyone how I feel when I feel it. My latest feeling/fear: I don't know if I want/can be a teacher. I really don't know if I am cut out for it. It's a big job, a lot of responsibility and accountability are poured into it and put on it, and I don't know if I am prepared for that. We started teaching our units this week, Andrea and I are teaching our Reading units (aka Poetry) to our two classes of 3rd graders. She teaches her class, and I teach mine. I thought that we were so well prepared. First of all, her class is SO much easier than mine. I'm serious, they are the quietest, most polite, considerate group of 22 children I have ever met in my life. I didn't think such a group existed. Oddly enough, my group is the mirror opposite. I have a group that LOVES to chat. They cannot stop talking. I thought that I had done enough to establish myself as an authority figure, and I've taken away recess minutes like my cooperating teachers have told me to do, but they still love to push my buttons, and it really is effective for them. Today, I felt like I had really opened a new door and started a new slate. I had become this entirely different person, and I really felt like a teacher basically all day. They have a lot of trouble walking through the hallways, and obviously one of the other teachers complained about how my kids act because my cooperating teacher talked to me about it this morning. So when it was time for me to walk them to lunch, I went into this whole schpiel about how we should act in the hallway. I didn't lecture them, I just asked them some questions, like "Can someone tell me how they think we are supposed to act in the hallway?" and one of the kids said, "Quiet as a mouse" which I thought was great, and I asked them some more questions and the lights were off and we were lined up, and it was amazing, because they left the classroom quietly and I was like "Yes, this is it, this is what I have to do" but then they all quietly said, "Squeak squeak!!" all the way to the cafeteria. I didn't really mind since it was quiet and they were resembling human beings, but later in the day when I took them to music, they were their normal loud selves. I really don't want to make that speech every single time we leave the room, but I may have to. That means I risk being redundant and boring, and I don't want that. It seems like I've developed really good rapport with the kids, I think they respect me, at least a little, and I don't want to jeopardize that. I have already done a lot with improving my discipline skills, and I really felt that today. I had so much energy and confidence going into my lesson, especially after doing relatively well with my first lesson yesterday. But the second they started misbehaving and acting silly, I just completely unraveled. I felt my confidence just melt away, my nerves came back, I completely forgot what personification is and how to explain it to them and what examples I had planned to give them...I just tanked. It's probably not as bad as I am making it sound, and maybe I'm expecting too much, like I'm going to pick this right up and become really good, or at least better and better, right away. But the more and more I think about it, I don't even know if I will end up being good at it, or if I even want to be a teacher at all. I've always had the feeling that I'm more geared for the administrative aspect. I would love to be a principal. It just sounds so appealing to me. I don't know. I guess I'm not exactly sure how I feel. These next 4 1/2 weeks will probably make or break my decision. I'd hate to change my major now since I've spent 3 years in this major. Then again, I would also hate to stick with it and then be unhappy in my job. Then I'll have a degree and license that I can't even use. That's even more of a waste than the 3 years of college I've gone through. I don't know. Advice? Anyone?
I've made a vow to be honest with myself. Not to be scared of telling anyone how I feel when I feel it. My latest feeling/fear: I don't know if I want/can be a teacher. I really don't know if I am cut out for it. It's a big job, a lot of responsibility and accountability are poured into it and put on it, and I don't know if I am prepared for that. We started teaching our units this week, Andrea and I are teaching our Reading units (aka Poetry) to our two classes of 3rd graders. She teaches her class, and I teach mine. I thought that we were so well prepared. First of all, her class is SO much easier than mine. I'm serious, they are the quietest, most polite, considerate group of 22 children I have ever met in my life. I didn't think such a group existed. Oddly enough, my group is the mirror opposite. I have a group that LOVES to chat. They cannot stop talking. I thought that I had done enough to establish myself as an authority figure, and I've taken away recess minutes like my cooperating teachers have told me to do, but they still love to push my buttons, and it really is effective for them. Today, I felt like I had really opened a new door and started a new slate. I had become this entirely different person, and I really felt like a teacher basically all day. They have a lot of trouble walking through the hallways, and obviously one of the other teachers complained about how my kids act because my cooperating teacher talked to me about it this morning. So when it was time for me to walk them to lunch, I went into this whole schpiel about how we should act in the hallway. I didn't lecture them, I just asked them some questions, like "Can someone tell me how they think we are supposed to act in the hallway?" and one of the kids said, "Quiet as a mouse" which I thought was great, and I asked them some more questions and the lights were off and we were lined up, and it was amazing, because they left the classroom quietly and I was like "Yes, this is it, this is what I have to do" but then they all quietly said, "Squeak squeak!!" all the way to the cafeteria. I didn't really mind since it was quiet and they were resembling human beings, but later in the day when I took them to music, they were their normal loud selves. I really don't want to make that speech every single time we leave the room, but I may have to. That means I risk being redundant and boring, and I don't want that. It seems like I've developed really good rapport with the kids, I think they respect me, at least a little, and I don't want to jeopardize that. I have already done a lot with improving my discipline skills, and I really felt that today. I had so much energy and confidence going into my lesson, especially after doing relatively well with my first lesson yesterday. But the second they started misbehaving and acting silly, I just completely unraveled. I felt my confidence just melt away, my nerves came back, I completely forgot what personification is and how to explain it to them and what examples I had planned to give them...I just tanked. It's probably not as bad as I am making it sound, and maybe I'm expecting too much, like I'm going to pick this right up and become really good, or at least better and better, right away. But the more and more I think about it, I don't even know if I will end up being good at it, or if I even want to be a teacher at all. I've always had the feeling that I'm more geared for the administrative aspect. I would love to be a principal. It just sounds so appealing to me. I don't know. I guess I'm not exactly sure how I feel. These next 4 1/2 weeks will probably make or break my decision. I'd hate to change my major now since I've spent 3 years in this major. Then again, I would also hate to stick with it and then be unhappy in my job. Then I'll have a degree and license that I can't even use. That's even more of a waste than the 3 years of college I've gone through. I don't know. Advice? Anyone?