Dream
There is this thing I want to do. I dream about it. I fantasize - someday, it will happen. But the thing is: it won't. Because I need to do something to make it happen. And this step is frightening… because, chances are, it won't work. And then… not only I won't have it, but I'll lose the dream, too. I'll lose the hope. You understand? As long as I don't try, I can hope that someday, I will try. Exceptionally convoluted logic, right? Or maybe, someday, I'll get very lucky, and it will happen by itself… or so I dream.
The problem is, with the specific thing that I want, there is only one chance. If I make the step and fail - that's it. From there on, I'll have to live knowing that it will never happen. And this prospect is so scary that it locks me in.
There is also this control issue, you see. Psychologists tell us that people are happier the more control they have over their lives. It's funny: as long as I don't make the step, I have control. Because, you know, I can make it whenever I choose! So I decide to wait… but it is my decision. I can comfort myself with the feeling that my dream is somewhat in my control, you understand? If I try and fail, it won't be any longer. No control, no comfort, no hope…
It will never happen. I know it won't… because I don't deserve it.