Thoughts
I am a relationship person in the wrong relationship. I am infatuated with another man. I am absolutely consumed with him to a point where it is a complete distraction. I don't know if he even would ever think of me like that. He's just so nurturing to me, and makes me feel like I am right for believing what I believe. I know he cares about me, but it may just be in that nurturing sense. The thing is that it is so wrong and I wonder if that's what keeps me so interested.
Now my boyfriend, I love him. But I just wonder what I am doing. We have absolutely nothing in common, but I do sometimes on occasion enjoy myself. See, when we break up and get back together, everything is amazing and wonderful. But now, the thought of him annoys me. He calls and I get mad at him before I have something to really be mad about. I never want to see him anymore. The idea of sex does not appeal to me anymore... really, me? Sometimes I wonder if it's me. But I think it is him who puts those thoughts in my head. He makes me feel worthless without saying those words. It's always "Do you love me?" "Are you sure you love me?" "You don't love me" and other silly phrases like that. Last night we had the strangest conversation. He is Christian, and I am religion-less. (What follows is not meant to offend anyone. I am entitled to believe what I want to, as are you.) Growing up I went to all sorts of churches, and not a one clicked with me. He asked me about that, and asked me in this pompous way "would you want to try again?" He's trying to change me. I have never once said "Don't go to church." And then he wanted to know what I believe exactly. And I told him. And he told me that was stupid, and it makes no sense. And I thought that was the biggest fuck you.
So basically, I am in this place where I don't know what to do. I am not growing as a person. In fact, the opposite is happening. I feel as if I am being held back. And as petty and stupid as this may seem, the only reason why I don't want to end it right now is because he bought me this beautiful diamond ring for Christmas which he already gave me. I think that would be awful to say "Thanks for spending a couple hundred on me, but it's over." I also don't want to end it just for us to get back together. I just do not know what to do. I have to think about myself though. I need to do this for me.
Anyways, here's a picture I took awhile ago. :)
updated: 4:04pm
The boyfriend calls me after he got off work. I tell him that I want to spend the night alone. I might hang out with family or friends, I tell him. And he gets furious. I tell him I want a little time away from him so I can think to myself. I also tell him I need it for stimulation (I'm the kind of person who has to go places, see people and do stuff). He just yells at me "So you're telling me that you want to spend the rest of your life with me but you even want to see me tonight!" I hate feeling awful about simply wanting to see my friends.
Now my boyfriend, I love him. But I just wonder what I am doing. We have absolutely nothing in common, but I do sometimes on occasion enjoy myself. See, when we break up and get back together, everything is amazing and wonderful. But now, the thought of him annoys me. He calls and I get mad at him before I have something to really be mad about. I never want to see him anymore. The idea of sex does not appeal to me anymore... really, me? Sometimes I wonder if it's me. But I think it is him who puts those thoughts in my head. He makes me feel worthless without saying those words. It's always "Do you love me?" "Are you sure you love me?" "You don't love me" and other silly phrases like that. Last night we had the strangest conversation. He is Christian, and I am religion-less. (What follows is not meant to offend anyone. I am entitled to believe what I want to, as are you.) Growing up I went to all sorts of churches, and not a one clicked with me. He asked me about that, and asked me in this pompous way "would you want to try again?" He's trying to change me. I have never once said "Don't go to church." And then he wanted to know what I believe exactly. And I told him. And he told me that was stupid, and it makes no sense. And I thought that was the biggest fuck you.
So basically, I am in this place where I don't know what to do. I am not growing as a person. In fact, the opposite is happening. I feel as if I am being held back. And as petty and stupid as this may seem, the only reason why I don't want to end it right now is because he bought me this beautiful diamond ring for Christmas which he already gave me. I think that would be awful to say "Thanks for spending a couple hundred on me, but it's over." I also don't want to end it just for us to get back together. I just do not know what to do. I have to think about myself though. I need to do this for me.
Anyways, here's a picture I took awhile ago. :)
updated: 4:04pm
The boyfriend calls me after he got off work. I tell him that I want to spend the night alone. I might hang out with family or friends, I tell him. And he gets furious. I tell him I want a little time away from him so I can think to myself. I also tell him I need it for stimulation (I'm the kind of person who has to go places, see people and do stuff). He just yells at me "So you're telling me that you want to spend the rest of your life with me but you even want to see me tonight!" I hate feeling awful about simply wanting to see my friends.