hide and seek
the super bowl is a lot like new years eve...so much hype, all of that anticaption...and it ends up lackluster and very disappointing.
at least the colts won, good on peyton manning.
in other non super bowl related news...(yes, there is world outside of the game)
i'm so low right now. i keep trying to pick myself out of it and get it done, but i can't.
i feel like i'm drowning.
it's funny i get the impression from some people, especially my roommate that i don't give a shit.
that i float that i'm just basically lazy and irresponsible.
i will admit that i am severely disorganized and unfocussed, but it's not just that.
for most of the month and now february, i feel like i'm in the dark. i'm too depressed and anxious to go to class, i have no energy for anything because i feel like nothing has gone right so i just end up sleeping.
or spending hours doing everything but my tasks required like obsessing over fashion week, or grad school or finding a new house either in toronto or montreal...instead of actually getting shit done.
i have no motivation and i feel like i don't care at all. it's like giving the finger and being completely self absorbed..but not.
i'm so behind in my everything right now that i feel like i need to catch up and be responsible but it's all so daunting that i just end up crying and freaking out.
like tonight, i spent most of the night half napping, crying, moaning to alice or just obsessing about therapy. WHAT THE FUCK.
i hate this. i'm alone and scared and just frustrated. yet i still can't do anything about it.
i going to force myself to make an appointment to see a psychologist at school tomorrow..try to figure this shit out. maybe help out with my classes and the fact that i am not going or doing anything.
lazyness, depression, anxiety, aloofness, who knows anymore.
i thought i had gotten over hating myself, of accepting what i am and what i will never be...yet im still so toxic to myself.
i really want to go home or maybe berlin or london or somewhere completely different.
why i can never reinvent or retool myself here i'll never know...
now my head is killing and i'm dizzy....tabernac.
at least the colts won, good on peyton manning.
in other non super bowl related news...(yes, there is world outside of the game)
i'm so low right now. i keep trying to pick myself out of it and get it done, but i can't.
i feel like i'm drowning.
it's funny i get the impression from some people, especially my roommate that i don't give a shit.
that i float that i'm just basically lazy and irresponsible.
i will admit that i am severely disorganized and unfocussed, but it's not just that.
for most of the month and now february, i feel like i'm in the dark. i'm too depressed and anxious to go to class, i have no energy for anything because i feel like nothing has gone right so i just end up sleeping.
or spending hours doing everything but my tasks required like obsessing over fashion week, or grad school or finding a new house either in toronto or montreal...instead of actually getting shit done.
i have no motivation and i feel like i don't care at all. it's like giving the finger and being completely self absorbed..but not.
i'm so behind in my everything right now that i feel like i need to catch up and be responsible but it's all so daunting that i just end up crying and freaking out.
like tonight, i spent most of the night half napping, crying, moaning to alice or just obsessing about therapy. WHAT THE FUCK.
i hate this. i'm alone and scared and just frustrated. yet i still can't do anything about it.
i going to force myself to make an appointment to see a psychologist at school tomorrow..try to figure this shit out. maybe help out with my classes and the fact that i am not going or doing anything.
lazyness, depression, anxiety, aloofness, who knows anymore.
i thought i had gotten over hating myself, of accepting what i am and what i will never be...yet im still so toxic to myself.
i really want to go home or maybe berlin or london or somewhere completely different.
why i can never reinvent or retool myself here i'll never know...
now my head is killing and i'm dizzy....tabernac.