Mello/Rukia log
Log is private; No characters were there to see, etc. etc.
Who: Mello and Rukia
What: Finding Matt's body. And breaking
Where: Behind some random Tokyo building
When: Friday night
Why: Because they're the only ones left
Notes:
+ Don't read if you don't want to cry. ;___;
--> Eta; OKAY FINE. DON'T READ IF YOU'RE AS PATHETIC AS I AM, THEN. ;_;
+ MelloRuki ♥
Mello didn't believe it for a second. It just simply wasn't true, it couldn't possibly be. In the back of his mind there was a running though that Envy's story matched up, Matt wasn't answering his phone, Kyouya had no reason to lie but -- He shoved it away. Matt just couldn't be dead. They weren't. There was nothing to say about it. He wasn't and in a few minutes, Envy's entire scam would be revealed for what it it was.
He tugged his denim jacket closer over his shoulders, a packet of cigarettes in his pocket because he hadn't been able to leave the apartment without them. Matt would need them. He was fine. Rukia needed to hurry up.
Rukia had been held up by Ichigo for a few minutes longer than her sanity could take it. She could feel her blood boiling. Her head thudded with denial and frustration. Envy was a little piece of shit and she was going to end his miserable existence as soon as she found Matt and kicked his face in for causing her heart to stop more than once this evening. Reiatsu aside. Kyouya aside, it wasn't true. Couldn't be true. Because he had promised and Matt was one of two people she trusted to never break a promise to her.
She took those few minutes to promise Ichigo that no, she was not going looking for Envy yet and no she was not going to do anything stupid. Yet. After she successfully dodged him, it was only a matter of a minute before she was out the window and shunpoing towards the meeting place as fast as she could.
Mello started and reached out for Rukia's arm, fingers impossibly tight "Envy said around the building. The store isn't far that way" He pointed "We should check this area first, in sections. Just. Just in case. We have to be thorough" He nodded, trying to switch his brain to the professional and finding it achingly hard to do. Itachi had told him Kyouya wasn't lying. He shook his head to clear the thought. "You alright?"
"I can't believe we're listening to him," Rukia seethed. He didn't mean it. This was probably a trap and she and Mello were stupid enough to go and get caught in the middle of it. Well it didn't matter so much to her. She was going to rip anyone's throat out who got in the way. Matt's death was not a joke to be made. "Peachy. Do you have your gun with you?"
"Three and a knife" He answered without thinking. He was beginning to feel suffocated. Sick. Sick to the stomach with everything. "If this is a trap, I'm going to be useless," He began and his voice was far too calm "I don't want to put you up against Envy but I need to know that you can hold him long enough for me to call Ichigo or someone else strong enough. Just in case. "
"I can take Envy myself Mello," Rukia snarled at the name. There were few times in her life when anything had made her blood boil like this. When she completely lost her temper and saw red without meaning to. The Academy had taught her to be stoic. The Kuchikis had taught her to be stoic. The Gotei 13 had taught her to keep stoic. To keep human emotions out of the picture. But this was Matt and that was Envy and she could hardly see straight for the extent of her anger. "If this is a trap, go find Matt and I'll deal with the bastard myself."
"Fine" Mello didn't want to talk, he couldn't comfort Rukia or tell her to be careful when he wanted nothing more than for her to rip Envy limb from limb. He turned away from her and began to walk, keeping his eyes out for any familiar signs of Matt or a trap.
Rukia did the same, carefully scanning the area for any signs of the goggled boy, reiatsu or otherwise. She could find nothing. Even with his reiatus-covering device turned on, Rukia could always feel his presence. It was always there, like Ichigo's. It was a comfort to walk in and breathe in. She could feel always feel it. And now that she couldn't, it felt as though she would choke on the lack of it. "Where did he say to go?" she asked sharply.
"He didn't," Mello said quietly, rounding a corner. He had a strong suspicion this was the building Envy had meant. It was almost the middle. "But." He gripped his phone tight in his hand, dialed Matt's number again. He heared a faint sound in the distance and the rushing illness returned. He swallowed, mouth dry. "Up. Up this way"
Rukia's heart stopped as she heard the faint ringing of Matt's cell phone. Maybe he had dropped it. Or maybe it was a coincidence. Whatever it was, Envy couldn't be-- Rukia felt herself nod, although the action was unconscious and went undetected by her as a whole, and step to follow him. "Right."
Mello looked ahead, determined to not react at all until he was certain of anything . A flash of red caught his eye and he looked down - a bloody print. He swallowed again, head beginning to spin. Another. And then another. "Rukia" He said on an almost whisper and gestured. The footsteps lead to something ahead, a lump of something on the ground just a little too far out of sight. He was going to be sick and they hadn't proven anything. Not yet.
Rukia could smell the blood as they got closer. Could see the red flooding her eyes. But that could have been anyone's blood. There were Hollows around here. There were arrancar. There were terrible humans. It could have been anyone. It didn't have to be Matt. She could smell the stench of death grow stronger and the lump become a little clearer the closer they got. She had never had a physical reaction to death or blood, in her gigai or in her spirit, but this time she could feel bile rising in her throat.
Mello moved faster, recognizing -- seeing --. The second he was close enough to see what -- who -- it was, Mello's brain shut down. He stopped moving and stared, feeling as though he had suddenly stepped into a world that didn't exist. He tried to breathe but couldn't quite remember how. Speaking almost in a mechanical, clinical way Mello said "It's Matt. It is him. Envy wasn't lying." He crouched down, reached out with a hand that was shaking. He didn't notice. "I don't know how long he's been. dead. Cause of death could be --" He blinked, something dark and dangerous inside him roaring to life and wanting to break free "-- anything. I'd need. Autopsy wouldn't. Rukia"
Rukia stepped after Mello cautiously, looking everywhere but at the lump at first. There was blood. So much blood. Whoeever had done this had really gone out of their way to make sure that the victim was as bloodied and torn to pieces as possible. She bumped into Mello's back as he stopped. She could feel him go rigid. Could hear his breathing stop. His reiatsu flicker. She knew, then. She knew that there was only one way this could end. She knew that when she looked up, she would see the last thing she wanted to see in the world. Feel a pain and a disgust far beyond anything she had previously imagined she could. She didn't look up until Mello crouched down. Until he reached forward and spoke. And then she couldn't deny it any longer. Her purple eyes flickered up and found the horrible, mutilated corpse of her best friend. Of her former best friend. "Mello. Mello--" her numb brain could barely formulate a coherent sentence. "Matt."
Mello tried to stop shaking, tried to keep from erupting and the only thing he could possibly think to do was to remember that above all, above all he could be objective he could. He could. He licked his lips, a deep seated ache set itself up a home in his heart and looked to be staying. Oh god. Oh fuck. Matt was dead. His eyes were drawn to the mess of Matt's chest....or the lack of one. His body was completey, utterly, in pieces. Nothing to be fixed. Nothing to be done.
The fingers of his left hand curled viciously around his rosary "I don't--" He throat closed up on him, he couldn't get the words out right. He didn't know what to say. He collapsed back on his heels, wanted for Matt to be whole so he could pull him close. But there was nothing left to hold. He leaned over the corpse (the left overs) and screamed.
Rukia could see Mello reaching for the rosary. She could see Mello crouching down next to Matt's body. Could see the movement, but, at the same time, could hardly see anything. For just this point in time, everything slowed to an excruciating slowness. Maybe. Just maybe, if she closed her eyes. Maybe, just maybe. If she could block the vision from her mind. This was a trick of her imagination. She hadn't been sleeping well. Her gigai probably had a cold. She took a deep breath. A deep, deep breath. And closed her eyes. When her eyes would op--
And then there was screaming. An angry, howling, painful screaming and her eyes snapped open and her illusion was shattered. There was Mello and there was Matt and there was blood and he was dead. He was broken, shattered, and dead and she could see no spirit around. All she could see was blood. Blood, blood, and more blood. And something shiny. Something-- Rukia stumbled forward and fell to her knees besides Matt's body, picking up something and cradling its remains in her hands.
"His .... goggles."
Mello howled, pressed his hands against Matt's face, the parts of him that were in tact. There wasn't much. He couldn't be fixed. No one up there was listening to him. Matt was dead. dead. deaddeaddeaddeaddeaddead. Gone. He choked on his own screaming, drew in a half strangled breath, voice already going hoarse and oh god. His chest was tearing itself apart. He felt Rukia fall down beside him, heard her voice whisper something too painful for him to let himself hear. He made another pained sound, held his shaking now bloodied hands up. "Rukia" He moaned and closed his eyes because he couldn't fucking do this. This was different. Wrong.
Rukia's hands shook. She could hear Mello's screaming. She could feel his screaming. And she wanted to as well. She wanted to scream herself hoarse. She wanted to beat Matt's body. She wanted to beat Matt. For betraying her. For breaking his promise. For leaving her when she had loved him so much. When she had trusted him to be the person who never would. But somewhere between seeing him. Between realizing. Between finding his goggles and see Mello break down when he never would have otherwise, something inside Rukia broke. Some tiny little piece she had depended on, but had never realized how much until now. It broke and she could feel the sharp edges serrating her throat and the insides of her heart and it hurt. It hurt so much that she couldn't breathe.
The broken goggles fell from her hands and she clutched at her throat, unfamiliar gurgling noises coming. It wasn't until then that she felt the wet on her cheeks. And then she was crying. Crying, breaking, crying, and she couldn't stop.
Mello turned and immediately pulled her to him, not caring for bloodied hands or the fact that he couldn't see anymore, his eyes were blurred, his throat ached and everything was too much for all of this. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't listen to her, he couldn't feel her anguish as hard as his own. He had to make her better. Matt would want Rukia better. Mello's own shoulders shook and all his excuses for holding Rukia came crashing down in his head. He tried to keep his hold tight, strong. But he was trembling too much, had no strength. "It's --" the word okay wouldn't ever apply. Ever. He bit his lip so hard it bled but it was better than the sounds he wanted to make.
Rukia couldn't see through her tears. She could barely breathe or hear anything over her own sobs. Somehow, distantly, she could feel Mello. She could feel him pull her to him and she could feel him shaking, but she was cold. So cold. So very incredibly cold that she could hardly feel anything at all. She held onto him just as tightly, for him as well as herself. Matt was dead. He was gone. His mutilated body and broken goggles were all that were left of him. He would never open his eyes again. Never move. Never talk or smile or pretend to be all right when he wasn't. He would never tease or taunt or yell. They would never put pigtails on Mello. Would never visit America. He would never use his sword. Or his shinigami uniform. He would never ever be alive again.
And try though she might, she couldn't sense his spirit. She couldn't sense his spirit and it hurt because maybe he was right and maybe he disappeared and that was just not okay. She held Mello closer, crying. "Th-there was no goodbye." And there never would be.
Mello couldn't help it. He let out another cry of anguish and clung to her. There was nothing - nothing he could do. Think. Distract himself with. He couldn't breathe, he could only sob and that was. "He left me" He choked out, and it didn't sound right. He wasn't speaking the right language, not english or japanese he -- he couldn't remember how to do anything. He couldn't remember where he was. He was just here and Rukia was there and Matt was gone. He had to pull himself together but he couldn't find the will to do so. The blood on his hands was too sticky, too sticky and wet and why was it Matt's.
"C-call Ichigo" He managed, first in German but after a moment tried again, the right words this time. "I-I. Can't."
Rukia was sure she couldn't either. She was sobbing and shaking and her blood was like ice in her veins. She could feel it coursing through her, but each loop it turn, each time it ran through her, it left her shivering and freezing. It was as though Shirayuki had decided to encase her in Hakuren and somewhere, dimly, she hoped that it wasn't spreading to Mello too. She heard Mello muttering something, but if it was in Japanese or another language, she couldn't tell. She couldn't understand language anymore. Couldn't process thought. All she knew was that her best friend was dead and he was never coming back and there was blood on her. There was blood on Mello and blood on her and it was Matt's and Envy had been the one to spill it.
And then she was angry. She was angry, furious, howling, angry and her ice cold blood was boiling. "I can't," Rukia choked through tears and emotion. "I have to kill Envy first."
Mello couldn't feel anymore. He had stopped making noises, just was completely still, arms still around Rukia as though it would fucking save him from anything. He dropped his arms, stared at his hands again. Nothing. Nothing. He felt familiar fury grow within him. Someone had taken Matt away. Envy had taken Matt away, and Mello wasn't going to make him pay. Mello was going to make him suffer and strip away his skin from his bones and then he was going to follow Matt whereever he had gone. Follow him there and drag him back. Heaven or hell. Black Abyss. He'd go.
He licked his lips again, furiously wiped at his cheeks and then nodded sharply. "Not just you" He hissed, and his words were still too wet with tears to sound as harsh as he wanted "I'm helping. I want to hurt him. It won't be quick." He couldn't look at Matt again, not yet.
"No," Rukia agreed furiously, her voice hardly a whisper, but deadly all the same. Her sobs had choked off mid-way and now she was breathing hard to keep the anger inside. Every time she looked over Mello's shoulder. Every time she saw that red hair. Or the dark blood. Or the broken goggles. Every time she felt Mello move and saw pain cross his face, her heart would throb and a furious, painful angry lump would threaten to suffocate her. She finally let go of Mello, feeling her side for Shirayuki's hilt. "We will make him pay for taking away what was ours."
Mello reached for his phone, flipping it open with suddenly steady fingers. His mind was a terrifying place to be. "I'll need weapons to hold a chance" He said quickly "That will take me a few hours - more, maybe - to get. I won't let you go without me Rukia, can you be patient for this?" He doubted even he could but unless he wanted to meet his death before extracting revenge he had no choice. He had to be restrained. He had to be. "If we attack him, I want it to count for everything. I want - I want him to suffer."
A few hours. The words echoed around Rukia's head, reacting violently with the venemous hatred in her bloodstream. No she could not wait a few hours. Matt was dead and he had been dead and Envy had killed him and if they waited, it would be an insult to Matt. It would be an insult to them. And the little coward would run to the arrancar or something stupid like that. She wouldn't let him.
She would say no. No, no, no. But even as she began to form the word, her rational side strangled it out of her. The Kuchiki in her. The shinigami in her. Mello was right. If they wanted to have the best, full impact, they would need to wait and gather as much ammunition and as much strategy as possible. The anger and frustration twisted impatiently within her, but she knew he was right.
"A few hours. So that we can gut him until he begs for his life," Rukia
growled. She abruptly stood up, exhaling her impatience and beginning to draw Shirayuki when suddenly, impossibly, painfully, she stopped dead, her eyes widening at the side of something just to the side of Matt's body and where they stood.
Mello swallowed and punched in a number -- a 'friend' who would be able to help him. He waited to press call. His fingers were still stained faded red and it made it difficult to concentrate. He breathed in, out, in and out again, controlled. Patient. Enough. He nodded sharply at all of Rukia's words, agreeing so much with everything that it made hate well up in his chest stronger than before.
"We will kill him" Mello vowed "We will. And he won't ever breathe another word" He couldn't do this. He didn't want to do this. Envy had to die but Mello had no idea if he could manage to move from his spot - calm was only going to last so long. He bit back any other angry reply and settled for placing a hand on Rukia's shoulder - more to steady himself than to comfort her. "I've got work to do. Find Ichigo, or anyone. We can't take the chance that we won't be able to do it on our own. Don't give me shit about your strength or your anger. I'm not taking fucking risks on this. Anyone, everyone. He dies. No question"
Rukia, however, wasn't listening. Her voice had died in her throat, as had most other feelings and rational sense. There was something there. Something on the ground. Something past Matt's body and the pool of blood that threatened to overpower her sense of smell and push to physical illness. Mello hadn't seen it yet. But Rukia had. It was a faint shape until you saw it with your own eyes. Until you processed it. And then the white bones gleamed, despite the darkened red on them, and all you could see was the white outline of a heart, made of bones and muscles, burned into your retinas.
"M-mello," Rukia gurgled.
Mello's anger died suddenly at Rukia's expression. He snapped his head to look at what she was seeing, the word "What?" dying on his lips. He couldn't comprehend what he was seeing. Pieces of Matt. Parts of Matt spread across the ground in a mockery of - he clapped a hand over his mouth and turned half away. He had seen gruesome things, caused and done gruesome things but this was Matt's body. "T-turn away" He hissed. Envy was going to suffer, desperately.
But Rukia couldn't. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the shape. The shape made from pieces of her best friend's body. Pieces torn out of his flesh and arranged to leave a mocking message for those who would never get to remember him any way but this. She took a staggering step forward before stopping dead again. She couldn't take another step forward, but she couldn't think enough to turn back. To turn around. To not continue burning the image into her mind.
"M-matt," she gurgled and she could feel the bile rising in her throat, hard and fast, as something painful and burning ripped through her chest and her tear ducts.
Mello snarled and reached for her, grabbed her and physically pulled her around "Don't" He shook his head "Rukia. Please" He couldn't hear his name, not right now. No. He couldn't look. it was done. He let go of her shoulders, stepped back but didn't turn around. No one should see that. Envy was a bastard. Belatedly he realized that leaving it there was a mockery and he turned again, crouched down and reached. He bit down on his tongue to keep from throwing up, throat burning as he pushed the pieces, the gore out of it's disgusting morbid shape. He wouldn't let anyone else see it this way. No one.
Rukia stood where Mello had pulled her around. Shaking from the effort of not crying, no matter how much her eyes burned. Shaking from the effort of not screaming, no matter how much pain her chest was. And shaking from the effort of not throwing up, although that one was less successful than the rest. She could see his bones. She could see the muscles and sinews still attached to them. And they were his. They were Matt's, but they weren't inside of him and god. Oh god, she couldn't rid her mind of the image. Her self control gave way and she fell to her knees and retched.
Mello heard Rukia retching behind him and winced, tried not to do the same himself. He rose unsteadily to his feet again and tried to help Rukia. This was all such a fucking mess. He couldn't touch her now, not again. She had suffered enough already. "What...do we do?" He whispered more to himself than anything.
It took a few minutes for Rukia to empty all of the contents of her stomach and then some, until she was left with nothing but acid in her mouth and tears on her face, the pain in her throat and head nothing compared to the one searing through her chest. It took another minute for her to calm herself enough to hear Mello, to understand him, and, above of all, to answer him. "O-Orihime," she managed to choke out. Maybe. Maybe.
That would be a waste time. Traumatic. It wasn't worth it. "Do you have her number?" Despite the logical reasoning, Mello's question was vaguely desperate. Rukia was in a bad way, she needed to leave the scene as soon as possible. "You should...you should go, Rukia. I can -- I can wait for Orihime, if you call her" So much fucking calm and he didn't know where it was coming from.
Rukia shook her head to answer both. She didn't have Orihime's number. Not on her. And she wouldn't leave. Not Mello. Not now. She could hear the calm in his voice and knew he was anything but. He was just as torn, just as disgusted, just as broken as she was, but he was remaining calm. He was hiding all emotion. Acting rationally. And despite it all. Despite the situation and despite her emotions, it made her feel guilty. Guilty for leaving Mello alone to govern feelings that would do neither of them any good. What had the Kuchikis been for, if not for this.
She took another steadying breath and pushed herself to her feet while wiping the burning tears from her eyes and face. "N-no. Ichigo. I'll call him." She gestured for Mello to hand her the phone, her mind hardly stable enough for coherent sentences. "I'm not leaving you."
Mello silently handed her the phone, swallowing thickly. Itachi. He would call Itachi, Ichigo would keep Rukia safe and comfort her. She would be okay, she would. "It's alright, Rukia. I'll call Itachi after you leave. I'll. We'll. It'll be fine"
Rukia wouldn't leave Mello until Itachi came, but she wouldn't waste breath telling Mello. He would protest and she had no strength or stability of mind to resist or convince him otherwise. She would hold herself together as much as she could until she couldn't anymore and by that time, Itachi would be there to help Mello too. She took the phone and dialed Ichigo's number silently, fingers shaking uncertaintly on each button.
Mello waited, watched as Rukia dialed the number and tried to keep himself together. He wouldn't last much longer. Not like this. There was too much to do, too much to think and feel. "It will be okay, Rukia" He murmured, not believing it all. But he wanted her to hear it from him, first.
Ichigo didn't pick up the first time that she called. She had told him to get Orihime earlier as it was, which was helpful, but he wouldn't pick up his phone and, for a moment, it caught her off guard. She didn't know what to do if Ichigo didn't pick up his phone. Didn't know that she would have the strength to shunpo around, looking for his reiatsu, when she could barely feel her own at the moment. But she somehow managed to shakily dial his number again and this time he picked up. Hearing his voice was nearly enough to send her falling apart again, but she could feel Mello behind her and she knew he was listening and she knew now was not the time. "S-send Orihime," was all that she could manage on the phone, the thought of actually saying the words, causing a sharp pain to shoot through her throat and render her incapable of speech. "The building. C-close to their apartment."
Mello listened to the conversation, Rukia's stammered words and ached. He wiped his hands on his jeans and then reached for her again, pulling her to his chest. "Shh" He said, half to himself, half to her.
He wondered if he could help her at all. But it was all he had to focus on, if his thoughts strayed for a second, he had no idea where he would end up. "How soon can he get here?" He whispered, so as not to distract her conversation.
"As f-fast as you can," Rukia whispered into the phone before pressing the end call button. She had to take a few shallow breaths to keep herself from falling apart again and, when that didn't work, she settled for closing her eyes and willing herself to take deeper ones. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. She shakily wrapped an arm around Mello, holding him to her as much as he was holding her to him. They were the only ones left. They had to stand strong together. "Five minutes."
"Good" Mello stroked his hand over back, slowly, reassuring. Of the three, they were left now without the glue, the foundation. He grimaced and had to struggle with himself. "Good" He repeated "We'll wait. This will be over for Envy soon, I promise" He tried for a smile, but it only made it harder to keep himself still. "And then we'll be okay."
Rukia held onto him tighter, trying to warm both of their cold skins and cold hearts without breaking all of it as, she knew, ice tended to do. "Y-yes," she tried to laugh, but it was a watery, strangled thing and she almost wished that she hadn't. "Okay. We'll be ok--" But the word died in her throat and, once again, she wished she hadn't tried. How could anything be okay when everything was so wrong?
Mello finished her sentence for her, because Matt wasn't there to do it and the thought ached so much he wondered how it was the two of them hadn't died as well. "Okay. We will." He pressed a shaky kiss to her forehead, clutched her just as tightly back "Just fine. The both of us."
The both of us. Mello's words reverberated around Rukia's head before making its way to her already severed chest. Each bounce was as if a knife were being dragged through the affected parts and leaving behind nothing but aching loss and pain. Blood would have been easier. It was the both of us now. Now the three of us. Not Mello, Rukia, and Matt, but Mello and Rukia only and who knows how long it would be until Mello left her too. She was left behind. Always left behind. She shakily leaned up on her toes to kiss his cheek. And then, because they were both hurting so badly and she wanted to show him she trusted him and she loved him, as she had never gotten the chance to tell Matt, she leaned up again to give him a kiss on the mouth. "Yes. The both of us."
Mello closed his eyes and lifted a hand to cup her face, only to break the kiss and press another to each of her cheeks. Slowly, so ridiculously tenderly Matt would mock him forever when he found ou-- oh. Mello's hold tightened. He kissed her cheeks again, let his fingers tangle in her hair and pressed his forehead to hers. "The both of us. No rest until Envy dies. We'll tear him apart, together" And Matt would be able to rest in peace. He vowed it. Rukia would be able to smile again and he vowed that too. And maybe, maybe after she could...he could fade away. It would be done.