(no subject)
my roommate always blasts music when he does homework (which is when i do homeowrk).
When i ask him to put headphones on he whistles to the music.
when i close the door so the music that is being played across the hall cannot be heard, he opens it to go talk to someone and leaves it opened.
the next time we do homework, the same process is repeated.
whenever i sleep during the daytime, too, andrew turns his subwoofer as loud as it can go, waking me up.
i tell him to turn it down, and five minutes later he turns it up again.
so it is nearly impossible to change roommates, and my parents don't want me to drop out of school, but this is pretty gay.
i am not smart anyway.
somewhere they got my grades mixed up; i thought i had a 2.6 second semester last year, i only had a 2.4
and im sick of dave telling me "stop getting depressed and shit, just tell yourself you're happy and you will be happy"
to which i always reply "ive tried that, reverse psychology doesn't work, i end up feeling as if im lying to myself"
to which he always replies "its not reverse psychology, man"
"er, uh, yeah, it is..."
and this junior across the hall keeps telling me how awful my classes are going to get. "Enjoy first semester sophomore year because its the easiest one you get"
two minutes later he says all the classes this semester "i might be able to scrape through because there are lots of people here to help you out"
then he says i am going to be having nightmares about my classes next semester.
I dont know, i am living with a bunch of retards.
And everyone lacks in a sense of community for the most part; i guess my roommate changes things when i ask him to, but i have to ask him evey fucking 5 minutes to the point where its not worth talking.
So yeah, im pretty sure im becoming a burnout.
its depressing that i have tried so hard for so long and i am still not smart, still not an incredible musician, i still lack in friends esp. from the female gender, my family hates them from cutting them off (because it hurts me to much to interact with them), and still hate the vast majority of the people i interact with.
And you know, all these hints point to the argument that my malcontent is "my problem," as i am willing to bet anybody i question on the topic will agree;
HOWEVER, everything i feel, every emotion i pick up, says otherwise. So i dont know whether i should sever my emotions again, and guess that things will be alright, or continue feeling awful, maybe burning out, and hope that whatever i've been doing for the past 4 years will finally work.
My perceptions of reality are nonexistent, still. I don't know what's right, what's wrong, what's my fault, what i can't control, what i should do, what i shouldn't do.
Seriously, yesterday i was thinking about how i was made up of billions of molecules and i still can't understand why my body doesn't just spill out all over the place, kind of like the evil witch of the west.
I wouldn't really mind, either, if i ever liquidated like that then the function of my distance from my internal struggles would have a limit approaching infinity... (not really, but i would, assuming i didn't puddle up, move far away from myself. I'll just make sure i liquidate in the parking lot of the worlds largest mall.)
Every answer i get from other people trying to help me here is not very thought out, biased, or just flat out retarded.
So yeah, i really just want to quit.
But if i quit (school and likewise) then i would be stuck at home, with my insane mom, sociopathic/narcissistic younger sister, my overworked dad, and my elder sister who is also having tough times.
i just want people to care about me, or notice me.
currently i could disappear and i would only affect a few people.
i am underappreciated, even though it is all i strive to be, and all i want.
i kind of wish i still believed in God.
such 'good' things don't seem to exist anywhere around me, ever.
When i ask him to put headphones on he whistles to the music.
when i close the door so the music that is being played across the hall cannot be heard, he opens it to go talk to someone and leaves it opened.
the next time we do homework, the same process is repeated.
whenever i sleep during the daytime, too, andrew turns his subwoofer as loud as it can go, waking me up.
i tell him to turn it down, and five minutes later he turns it up again.
so it is nearly impossible to change roommates, and my parents don't want me to drop out of school, but this is pretty gay.
i am not smart anyway.
somewhere they got my grades mixed up; i thought i had a 2.6 second semester last year, i only had a 2.4
and im sick of dave telling me "stop getting depressed and shit, just tell yourself you're happy and you will be happy"
to which i always reply "ive tried that, reverse psychology doesn't work, i end up feeling as if im lying to myself"
to which he always replies "its not reverse psychology, man"
"er, uh, yeah, it is..."
and this junior across the hall keeps telling me how awful my classes are going to get. "Enjoy first semester sophomore year because its the easiest one you get"
two minutes later he says all the classes this semester "i might be able to scrape through because there are lots of people here to help you out"
then he says i am going to be having nightmares about my classes next semester.
I dont know, i am living with a bunch of retards.
And everyone lacks in a sense of community for the most part; i guess my roommate changes things when i ask him to, but i have to ask him evey fucking 5 minutes to the point where its not worth talking.
So yeah, im pretty sure im becoming a burnout.
its depressing that i have tried so hard for so long and i am still not smart, still not an incredible musician, i still lack in friends esp. from the female gender, my family hates them from cutting them off (because it hurts me to much to interact with them), and still hate the vast majority of the people i interact with.
And you know, all these hints point to the argument that my malcontent is "my problem," as i am willing to bet anybody i question on the topic will agree;
HOWEVER, everything i feel, every emotion i pick up, says otherwise. So i dont know whether i should sever my emotions again, and guess that things will be alright, or continue feeling awful, maybe burning out, and hope that whatever i've been doing for the past 4 years will finally work.
My perceptions of reality are nonexistent, still. I don't know what's right, what's wrong, what's my fault, what i can't control, what i should do, what i shouldn't do.
Seriously, yesterday i was thinking about how i was made up of billions of molecules and i still can't understand why my body doesn't just spill out all over the place, kind of like the evil witch of the west.
I wouldn't really mind, either, if i ever liquidated like that then the function of my distance from my internal struggles would have a limit approaching infinity... (not really, but i would, assuming i didn't puddle up, move far away from myself. I'll just make sure i liquidate in the parking lot of the worlds largest mall.)
Every answer i get from other people trying to help me here is not very thought out, biased, or just flat out retarded.
So yeah, i really just want to quit.
But if i quit (school and likewise) then i would be stuck at home, with my insane mom, sociopathic/narcissistic younger sister, my overworked dad, and my elder sister who is also having tough times.
i just want people to care about me, or notice me.
currently i could disappear and i would only affect a few people.
i am underappreciated, even though it is all i strive to be, and all i want.
i kind of wish i still believed in God.
such 'good' things don't seem to exist anywhere around me, ever.