mother issues....
It's been a long time... I travelled all summer across the country (which rocked)..
I am teaching at my Alma Mater and it's ok. I like the kids, I like my co-workers (for the most part), and I like most aspects of the job itself. (I won't lie-- the vacations for us teachers kick ass) I just feel like i should be doing more with my life, something grander than working at my high school. Teaching is the hardest career imaginable and no one understands until they do it for themselves. If I am bringing home work every night and getting a menial salary for the rest of my life, I would need to absolutely LOVE my job.. and I don't. I like it, but I don't love it.
I have always been interested in the law and the justice system. I have always told myself, ever since I was a little kid, that I would not go to med or law school because that was too much schooling. However, I made that irrational decision when I was like, what, 7?? (and my idiotic self stuck with that childish decision)Since graduating from college and teaching others for almost a year now, I have learned more about life, myself, and education than I have in my entire life. I now realize that I can do anything with my life as long as I apply myself. I am not going to be that lazy 7 year old anymore that wants to just get by... That's stupid. Instead, I want to apply myself and do the very best that I can do for myself-- I deserve something great.
I have started studying for the LSAT which I will take in June. After that step, I will apply to Law schools and dedicate the next few years of my life to what I really know that I can accomplish.
My mom is unsupportive of this path that I have chosen for myself. Partly due to the fact that she wants to control me and have me dependant on her. Partly because she doesn't want me to go into debt(also part of that controlling aspect)... and Partly because she does not have faith in me or the things I can do.
This aspect to her and my sister's personalities ergs me to no end. I realized throughout the course of this past year that the two of them have used me as the victim of their insecurities and faults. I have been put down ever since I could remember which turned me into a submissive, passive individual in all aspects of my life. (Even in my relationships, I could never voice what I really wanted because I was simply being the person that I thought they wanted. None of my exes know the real me because I never knew the real me.) I have constantly been told my limits and been incessantly reminded of what I could not do. If I metioned wanting to try something out and accomplish it, all the negative aspects of wanting to do that were pointed out to me and therefore, i would be discouraged from pursuing it. Even when I hate teaching, nah-- I hate my lifestyle when it is given over to teaching-- my mother attempts to keep me teaching because she is a teacher and she "knows what I really want".
bullshit. My life has been ruled by my mother and I have always sought her approval in everything I did (with the exception to my teenage years, that is)... this learned behavior was due to her holding things against me if i didn't do what she wanted. Like if I moved in with a guy-- she would cut me off. If I got a tattoo (to her knowledge of course) then I would be cut off. It always seemed that I needed her and her financial assistance and couldn't live without any of it... but I was absolutely wrong.
I am living on my own now, getting ready to put myself through law school, and could care less if she ever bought me another thing in my life. (ok, I exaggerated on that last part... but really...) even when I moved out, she tried telling me that I wouldn't be able to handle it or afford it or whatever... she was pissed. When I mentioned law school, she mentioned all the NEGATIVE things about it, but not one positive thing. When i mentioned moving to a big city to practice law, she put that down too.
My birthday is in a few days and she hasn't mentioned anything to me about it. We aren't spending Thanksgiving together, because she didn't even ask what I was doing for it. We are only spending Christmas together because we happen to both be visiting my brother. She didn't even ask me what I was doing. All of this is fine... I am an adult, and if my being an independant adult means that my mother no longer cares-- then that is fine.
The thing that isn't fine is the reason for all of this. My sister has manipulated my mother into her little puppy. What my sister says is golden. What any of the rest of us say-- are shit lies. What my sister's schedule is, my mom revolves her schedule around. My mother bases her relationship with my brother and myself off of how we treat my sister. It is ridiculous.
I am no longer taking responsibility for other people's actions. i am no longer taking the blame for other people's faults. i am no longer feeling restricted in my life because other people have put me down.
I am teaching at my Alma Mater and it's ok. I like the kids, I like my co-workers (for the most part), and I like most aspects of the job itself. (I won't lie-- the vacations for us teachers kick ass) I just feel like i should be doing more with my life, something grander than working at my high school. Teaching is the hardest career imaginable and no one understands until they do it for themselves. If I am bringing home work every night and getting a menial salary for the rest of my life, I would need to absolutely LOVE my job.. and I don't. I like it, but I don't love it.
I have always been interested in the law and the justice system. I have always told myself, ever since I was a little kid, that I would not go to med or law school because that was too much schooling. However, I made that irrational decision when I was like, what, 7?? (and my idiotic self stuck with that childish decision)Since graduating from college and teaching others for almost a year now, I have learned more about life, myself, and education than I have in my entire life. I now realize that I can do anything with my life as long as I apply myself. I am not going to be that lazy 7 year old anymore that wants to just get by... That's stupid. Instead, I want to apply myself and do the very best that I can do for myself-- I deserve something great.
I have started studying for the LSAT which I will take in June. After that step, I will apply to Law schools and dedicate the next few years of my life to what I really know that I can accomplish.
My mom is unsupportive of this path that I have chosen for myself. Partly due to the fact that she wants to control me and have me dependant on her. Partly because she doesn't want me to go into debt(also part of that controlling aspect)... and Partly because she does not have faith in me or the things I can do.
This aspect to her and my sister's personalities ergs me to no end. I realized throughout the course of this past year that the two of them have used me as the victim of their insecurities and faults. I have been put down ever since I could remember which turned me into a submissive, passive individual in all aspects of my life. (Even in my relationships, I could never voice what I really wanted because I was simply being the person that I thought they wanted. None of my exes know the real me because I never knew the real me.) I have constantly been told my limits and been incessantly reminded of what I could not do. If I metioned wanting to try something out and accomplish it, all the negative aspects of wanting to do that were pointed out to me and therefore, i would be discouraged from pursuing it. Even when I hate teaching, nah-- I hate my lifestyle when it is given over to teaching-- my mother attempts to keep me teaching because she is a teacher and she "knows what I really want".
bullshit. My life has been ruled by my mother and I have always sought her approval in everything I did (with the exception to my teenage years, that is)... this learned behavior was due to her holding things against me if i didn't do what she wanted. Like if I moved in with a guy-- she would cut me off. If I got a tattoo (to her knowledge of course) then I would be cut off. It always seemed that I needed her and her financial assistance and couldn't live without any of it... but I was absolutely wrong.
I am living on my own now, getting ready to put myself through law school, and could care less if she ever bought me another thing in my life. (ok, I exaggerated on that last part... but really...) even when I moved out, she tried telling me that I wouldn't be able to handle it or afford it or whatever... she was pissed. When I mentioned law school, she mentioned all the NEGATIVE things about it, but not one positive thing. When i mentioned moving to a big city to practice law, she put that down too.
My birthday is in a few days and she hasn't mentioned anything to me about it. We aren't spending Thanksgiving together, because she didn't even ask what I was doing for it. We are only spending Christmas together because we happen to both be visiting my brother. She didn't even ask me what I was doing. All of this is fine... I am an adult, and if my being an independant adult means that my mother no longer cares-- then that is fine.
The thing that isn't fine is the reason for all of this. My sister has manipulated my mother into her little puppy. What my sister says is golden. What any of the rest of us say-- are shit lies. What my sister's schedule is, my mom revolves her schedule around. My mother bases her relationship with my brother and myself off of how we treat my sister. It is ridiculous.
I am no longer taking responsibility for other people's actions. i am no longer taking the blame for other people's faults. i am no longer feeling restricted in my life because other people have put me down.