Math
This entry is for myself, since I never have been able to keep a real journal, and I would like to remember today as a kind of benchmark reminder when I look back over my entries. I will make no effort to avoid rambling, run-on sentences, or just straight up repeating myself.
I have been overall pretty unhappy with life recently, mostly because of my school situation. Until tonight I hadn't really had any "high on (just) life" moments for about 3 weeks. But tonight, it all came together for me. Everything happened in a perfect sequence, though most others wouldn't see it as a great day at all from an outside view. I didn't do anything amazing or different, it was just what went on in my head.
It started when I woke up late because it was a snow day and immediately turned what should have been a little friendly text message banter as a prequel to hanging out with Madeline into a chaotic and utterly inane, absolutely counterproductive argument about nothing, or, namely, how I didn't believe that she had asked me to come over for any other reason than to make me feel better than I had been feeling the previous night and 3 whole weeks, which isn't the kind of reason I like to be asked to hang out for. So basically, for whatever reason, I wasn't confident that she wanted to be with me as anything other than a kind of dutiful obligation because she was worried about me. Well, I should have known that since that's how I thought she felt, of course it must have been completely the opposite, because that's the same way I've screwed everything up with every girlfriend since 1st grade: by thinking for them and trying too hard to come up with everything they're not saying when it's as simple as whatever they just said. And yet I haven't learned anything. Apparently I needed to learn one more time that when someone says something to me, I should just take their word for it, especially if that person is my girlfriend and she's saying she wants to see me. So, for a good half hour I continued (as usual) to dig a little deeper hole of self pity for myself and to frustrate Madeline even more by continuously doubting what encouragement and honest complements she gave me, and turning what indeed had been a sincere desire to be with me into exactly what I had been trying to avoid: an obligation to hang out with someone (myself) who isn't going to be very fun (angry and self-pitying). So I created the whole problem almost completely from scratch, like a batch of Hardees buiscuits, and worked myself into a bad mood to start the day, which was even a little earlier than I had been used to for the past 3 weeks. Anyway, the whole situation, as bad as it seemed, turned out to be good for me, because it forced me to talk to her about the reasons I had had such a bad three weeks. For better or for worse, I ended up going to her house after a long talk, and thank Einstein it ended up being for the better. Leaving her house at about 4:00, I felt more contented at least than I had for a while, and I finally felt like I could stop worrying about things with my girlfriend. I was happy with the way things had gone, and I had more motivation and energy to put into life than I had felt before. Soon after I headed to Gabriel's house and played Heroes of Might and Magic 3 for a while, which was a nostalgic experience and served to remind me of the good times of my childhood. Also, to improve my day even more, I suddenly had the revelation that the next day would be Friday, whether we had school or not! That was an important realization for me, because school is the main piece of shit in my life that makes me hate life itself by the end of the week, and the thought of more days of school had been a weight on my shoulders which suddenly lifted. Leaving Gabriel's house for mine, I felt slightly more than marginally better than I had for the past few weeks. But the best was still coming (and by that I don't mean that the next thing that happens is "the best", the best is when I do my math homework later, actually, just so you dont get confused). My Dad took me to K&W (kanes and walkers) for dinner, which will not surprise you if you know my father at all. It was good though, and I managed to present myself in a friendly manner, and to carry on with him in a most cordial manner, while simultaneously filling my aching and empty belly. As we left, I felt even a little more content than I had before. The only thing bothering me, ironically, was the Math homework I knew I would have to do when I got home. I was dreading it.
I had been feeling as if my mathematical prowess and the curiosity which fuels it had regressed into oblivion, and I was giving up on the idea of having a "math mind". It worried me because I had already agreed to participate in a Geometry competition to represent my school at A&T university in the spring. When I got home and started on the first problem, knowing I had a test the following morning, though, I immediately stumbled upon a baffling problem with the quartic equation. Try as I might, I couldn't solve it. So, after about 20 minutes of coming up with my own untried ideas and trying whole new methods and disproving various different ideas, my scribbles began to digress into areas of math that had nothing to do with the problem I thought I was trying to solve. I became almost frenzied in my writing, and by the time I took a break and stopped thinking so much (or, as it felt, hardly thinking at all, but just feeling), I had actually covered the entire page without solving the first problem. But I felt like I understood everything in a much more complete way, simply by trial and error mathematical experiments. I felt truly awake and alive in a way i hadn't for so long, as if my mind had just begun to work and I hadn't known it was dead all along. What I sometimes like to refer to as my "lust for life" had returned unexpectedly and in full force. I had never felt so fully or so easily concentrated in my life. For that time, I had known only numbers and ideas, and the drive to learn more, overcome obstacles and test every notion my fevered (yet calm) mind could produce, so completely that I had been able to forget all other worries. It was like there was some great compound knot in my mind, and every mathematical sentence and equation I produced on paper unwound another piece, until it was all gone and I was free, as if the numbers were physical things with mass in my mind. There really isn't any way to describe it, and having reread everything I just wrote, I don't think I've communicated anything at all about what it felt like. Anyway, the point is that after all that scribbling on what seemed like mere tangents (excuse the pun), I looked back at the original problem and found I knew how to solve it. To tell you the truth, I don't even remember the details of what the equation was or what I did to solve it anymore, but I know I could do it again if I had to. It had taken me almost 30 minutes. At this point I was on fire. I left my bedroom for the larger dining room table and spread out. I spent the next 2 hours doing 45 minutes' worth of work. It wasn't that I couldn't solve the problems quickly. It was that I wasn't trying to. Instead I would begin each problem in a conventional way and then start a new area of scribbles the moment I had an idea about another way to solve it. If that didn't work, I wouldn't waste time wondering why but would instead go ahead and find out why by writing out yet another line as a sort of model. I ended up using a half page for each equation. I felt as if everything in my mind was synchronized and cooperating to the point of maximum efficiency. Every bit was being used to achieve a goal. The rules for manipulating an equation became so implied in my thinking that I didn't need to consider them any more; I couldn't break them because then the statement wouldn't be true. Almost as if the problem solved itself, just by moving my hand across the page. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to explain the feeling or process. It's happened before. Im not saying that I am profficient at really high-level math or that I even remember everything from a year ago. I am far from an expert as far as mathematical knowledge. It was just the way by which I went about solving the problems and the creativity that went into it that was so invigorating for me personally. It was like a sort of therapy. At the end of those two hours, I was on top of the world. Even music sounded different. Like I could hear more of it, or something. I don't know. It was fascinating, without having to make any concerted effort to think about it. Everything was. Fascinating, that is. The only thing I can compare it to is running hard. It's like the simple, satisfying exertion of a run, except in my mind.
I have been overall pretty unhappy with life recently, mostly because of my school situation. Until tonight I hadn't really had any "high on (just) life" moments for about 3 weeks. But tonight, it all came together for me. Everything happened in a perfect sequence, though most others wouldn't see it as a great day at all from an outside view. I didn't do anything amazing or different, it was just what went on in my head.
It started when I woke up late because it was a snow day and immediately turned what should have been a little friendly text message banter as a prequel to hanging out with Madeline into a chaotic and utterly inane, absolutely counterproductive argument about nothing, or, namely, how I didn't believe that she had asked me to come over for any other reason than to make me feel better than I had been feeling the previous night and 3 whole weeks, which isn't the kind of reason I like to be asked to hang out for. So basically, for whatever reason, I wasn't confident that she wanted to be with me as anything other than a kind of dutiful obligation because she was worried about me. Well, I should have known that since that's how I thought she felt, of course it must have been completely the opposite, because that's the same way I've screwed everything up with every girlfriend since 1st grade: by thinking for them and trying too hard to come up with everything they're not saying when it's as simple as whatever they just said. And yet I haven't learned anything. Apparently I needed to learn one more time that when someone says something to me, I should just take their word for it, especially if that person is my girlfriend and she's saying she wants to see me. So, for a good half hour I continued (as usual) to dig a little deeper hole of self pity for myself and to frustrate Madeline even more by continuously doubting what encouragement and honest complements she gave me, and turning what indeed had been a sincere desire to be with me into exactly what I had been trying to avoid: an obligation to hang out with someone (myself) who isn't going to be very fun (angry and self-pitying). So I created the whole problem almost completely from scratch, like a batch of Hardees buiscuits, and worked myself into a bad mood to start the day, which was even a little earlier than I had been used to for the past 3 weeks. Anyway, the whole situation, as bad as it seemed, turned out to be good for me, because it forced me to talk to her about the reasons I had had such a bad three weeks. For better or for worse, I ended up going to her house after a long talk, and thank Einstein it ended up being for the better. Leaving her house at about 4:00, I felt more contented at least than I had for a while, and I finally felt like I could stop worrying about things with my girlfriend. I was happy with the way things had gone, and I had more motivation and energy to put into life than I had felt before. Soon after I headed to Gabriel's house and played Heroes of Might and Magic 3 for a while, which was a nostalgic experience and served to remind me of the good times of my childhood. Also, to improve my day even more, I suddenly had the revelation that the next day would be Friday, whether we had school or not! That was an important realization for me, because school is the main piece of shit in my life that makes me hate life itself by the end of the week, and the thought of more days of school had been a weight on my shoulders which suddenly lifted. Leaving Gabriel's house for mine, I felt slightly more than marginally better than I had for the past few weeks. But the best was still coming (and by that I don't mean that the next thing that happens is "the best", the best is when I do my math homework later, actually, just so you dont get confused). My Dad took me to K&W (kanes and walkers) for dinner, which will not surprise you if you know my father at all. It was good though, and I managed to present myself in a friendly manner, and to carry on with him in a most cordial manner, while simultaneously filling my aching and empty belly. As we left, I felt even a little more content than I had before. The only thing bothering me, ironically, was the Math homework I knew I would have to do when I got home. I was dreading it.
I had been feeling as if my mathematical prowess and the curiosity which fuels it had regressed into oblivion, and I was giving up on the idea of having a "math mind". It worried me because I had already agreed to participate in a Geometry competition to represent my school at A&T university in the spring. When I got home and started on the first problem, knowing I had a test the following morning, though, I immediately stumbled upon a baffling problem with the quartic equation. Try as I might, I couldn't solve it. So, after about 20 minutes of coming up with my own untried ideas and trying whole new methods and disproving various different ideas, my scribbles began to digress into areas of math that had nothing to do with the problem I thought I was trying to solve. I became almost frenzied in my writing, and by the time I took a break and stopped thinking so much (or, as it felt, hardly thinking at all, but just feeling), I had actually covered the entire page without solving the first problem. But I felt like I understood everything in a much more complete way, simply by trial and error mathematical experiments. I felt truly awake and alive in a way i hadn't for so long, as if my mind had just begun to work and I hadn't known it was dead all along. What I sometimes like to refer to as my "lust for life" had returned unexpectedly and in full force. I had never felt so fully or so easily concentrated in my life. For that time, I had known only numbers and ideas, and the drive to learn more, overcome obstacles and test every notion my fevered (yet calm) mind could produce, so completely that I had been able to forget all other worries. It was like there was some great compound knot in my mind, and every mathematical sentence and equation I produced on paper unwound another piece, until it was all gone and I was free, as if the numbers were physical things with mass in my mind. There really isn't any way to describe it, and having reread everything I just wrote, I don't think I've communicated anything at all about what it felt like. Anyway, the point is that after all that scribbling on what seemed like mere tangents (excuse the pun), I looked back at the original problem and found I knew how to solve it. To tell you the truth, I don't even remember the details of what the equation was or what I did to solve it anymore, but I know I could do it again if I had to. It had taken me almost 30 minutes. At this point I was on fire. I left my bedroom for the larger dining room table and spread out. I spent the next 2 hours doing 45 minutes' worth of work. It wasn't that I couldn't solve the problems quickly. It was that I wasn't trying to. Instead I would begin each problem in a conventional way and then start a new area of scribbles the moment I had an idea about another way to solve it. If that didn't work, I wouldn't waste time wondering why but would instead go ahead and find out why by writing out yet another line as a sort of model. I ended up using a half page for each equation. I felt as if everything in my mind was synchronized and cooperating to the point of maximum efficiency. Every bit was being used to achieve a goal. The rules for manipulating an equation became so implied in my thinking that I didn't need to consider them any more; I couldn't break them because then the statement wouldn't be true. Almost as if the problem solved itself, just by moving my hand across the page. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to explain the feeling or process. It's happened before. Im not saying that I am profficient at really high-level math or that I even remember everything from a year ago. I am far from an expert as far as mathematical knowledge. It was just the way by which I went about solving the problems and the creativity that went into it that was so invigorating for me personally. It was like a sort of therapy. At the end of those two hours, I was on top of the world. Even music sounded different. Like I could hear more of it, or something. I don't know. It was fascinating, without having to make any concerted effort to think about it. Everything was. Fascinating, that is. The only thing I can compare it to is running hard. It's like the simple, satisfying exertion of a run, except in my mind.