Blueballed
The nurse that shaved me asked what 'coupe' I wanted. I asked for blue dye but she didn't have that. "So, I guess that's the first time somebody does that to you", she said. I said no, and then yes, because frankly I'm not sure. Funny how memories become very distant when a woman is holding your privates in her hand.
Then the doctor came, gave me a hand while the nurse was still doing her thing. That was a strange moment too. When you find yourself in an unusual situation even the smallest things become weird, I suppose.
He had an intern with him, who didn't say much but looked eager to learn. They put on their gloves, the doc grabbed my right testicle in one hand and a big needle in the other and asked me "are you ready?". I figured it was a bit late to back out at that point. Would they have charged me for the shave if I had? I said "yes" and felt a sting. After a few minutes he poked me and asked if I felt it. I uttered the clearest, most articulated "yes" of my life so he waited some more. We exchanged some stories about horrible doctors that put clamps in testicles to keep the green-cloth-with-a-hole-in-it in place they had put over one of his patients. He was working on two patients at the same time. One was under full narcosis, the other one wasn't. The clamps went into the awake one of course, otherwise it wouldn't have been a story.
So, the second poke resulted in a "no" on my part and in came the scalpel. I felt the pressure, the yanking, the sewing up, but no pain. Another pretty surreal experience.
The second ball, I decided to look. I was at a strange angle and I couldn't feel a damn thing so I didn't freak out when I saw my own mangled, usually sensitive body parts. It was more like looking at an operation on TV. Some more stories were exchanged. Did you know there's people out there with 2 testicles and 2 tubes that are infertile? Simply because the tubes didn't connect to the balls. There's also men with 3 tubes, so when they sew up 2 and still produce squigglies afterward they can go back. What fun.
After the whole thing, which felt like going to a hairdresser more than an actual medical procedure, the nurse helped me put on some sterile pants and I was good to go. The entire thing lasted 30 minutes.
I ran to catch the bus and now I'm sitting in a chair, waiting for the anesthesia to wear off and one hell of a painkiller within reach.
Then the doctor came, gave me a hand while the nurse was still doing her thing. That was a strange moment too. When you find yourself in an unusual situation even the smallest things become weird, I suppose.
He had an intern with him, who didn't say much but looked eager to learn. They put on their gloves, the doc grabbed my right testicle in one hand and a big needle in the other and asked me "are you ready?". I figured it was a bit late to back out at that point. Would they have charged me for the shave if I had? I said "yes" and felt a sting. After a few minutes he poked me and asked if I felt it. I uttered the clearest, most articulated "yes" of my life so he waited some more. We exchanged some stories about horrible doctors that put clamps in testicles to keep the green-cloth-with-a-hole-in-it in place they had put over one of his patients. He was working on two patients at the same time. One was under full narcosis, the other one wasn't. The clamps went into the awake one of course, otherwise it wouldn't have been a story.
So, the second poke resulted in a "no" on my part and in came the scalpel. I felt the pressure, the yanking, the sewing up, but no pain. Another pretty surreal experience.
The second ball, I decided to look. I was at a strange angle and I couldn't feel a damn thing so I didn't freak out when I saw my own mangled, usually sensitive body parts. It was more like looking at an operation on TV. Some more stories were exchanged. Did you know there's people out there with 2 testicles and 2 tubes that are infertile? Simply because the tubes didn't connect to the balls. There's also men with 3 tubes, so when they sew up 2 and still produce squigglies afterward they can go back. What fun.
After the whole thing, which felt like going to a hairdresser more than an actual medical procedure, the nurse helped me put on some sterile pants and I was good to go. The entire thing lasted 30 minutes.
I ran to catch the bus and now I'm sitting in a chair, waiting for the anesthesia to wear off and one hell of a painkiller within reach.