On my mind
Fun night. A tad bit too cold for my taste, but it was good grabbing dinner with Rick, one of my favorite friends. I didn't stay out too late because I am planning on taking my mother out for lunch tomorrow. She had a health scare two weeks ago that I didn't mention here, simply because in the course of the day she turned out to be OK. However, with her numerous health problems added with this latest scare, she seems like a changed person. No longer stubborn and overly defensive. She has recently started apologizing to my sister and me for some of the mistaks she made while raising us. I never thought I'd EVER see that, to be honest. It's good, though, because both my sister's and my relationship with her had become strained, and everything seems to be much better now. She's a crazy old bat, that much is true, and she did a lot of stuff wrong as a parent, but she instilled in me values and self esteem that helped make me who I am today. Being born in poverty in rural North Carolina, I could have turned out to be a small minded racist asshole, but I didn't, and a lot of thanks for that goes to her. My mom always had ethnic and gay friends and introduced me to many different cultures and lifestyles at an early age. I was lucky for sure.
Other stuff that has been on my mind recently:
* Joyce. Her being bipolar and all. I should have took that more seriously and read up on it while I was dating her, and especially before I moved to Georgia with her. It would not have made that relationship turn out any better, I know, but it would have been less painful for the both of us, I'd imagine, if I knew what I was getting into and knew better how to deal with it. These last few months, as part of the healing process and the need for understanding, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about this disease, and it's helped me not to hate her any longer, but just to feel great pity for her for having to live with such a terrible infliction. I've realized that nearly everything that I found intolerable about her by the end was the result of being Bipolar, and even her twisting of reality (that is, saying things about me to other people that she actually was the one guilty of, not I) is very common among many, if not most, bipolar people. I was so miserable in that relationship by December, that I started being cruel to Joyce in certain ways, such as knocking on a dress that she made herself that wasn't perfect (but really was stunning regardless), and once making fun of the way she was wearing a belt until she started crying. For that, I am sorry, and for allowing myself to get into a relationship with a bipolar person and not taking the time to research it before letting the relationship progress so far, I am sorry too. I am far too individualistic to be able to properly devote myself to someone to the level that is needed to be able to make a relationship like that work. If I had really known what bipolar disorder was at the time, I would have never asked Joyce out in the first place, because I don't have what it takes to be with someone like that, to be honest.
* That said, there is a selfish part of me that is glad that I went through that whole experience, including living with her and her parents in Georgia. I was so miserable living there with the three of them, that I came back pissed off and dedicated to not only getting a life back that I gave up to be with Joyce, but improving upon it also. I now have a better job than before I left (and just got my second major raise, woohoo!), have a nice apartment in the area of town that I wanted, am backing to working with Projexorcism and got to tour all the way out to New Mexico this year, and developed the closest and most meaningful friendship I have ever had with Robyyn. Plus, I bought an Access Virus TI with the profit sharing money from the last job in NC I had before I moved. Life is good now, and it was all because I was determined to not let the Georgia experience destroy what I liked about myself and what I knew I was capable of.
* I have very strong opinions and can back all of them up. I'm always a bit afraid that because I am so opinionated and don't back down from them that people are going to decide that I'm an arrogant little fuck and stop speaking to me, or that I don't respect their rights to have their own opinions. Nothing could be further from the truth, I promise. One only has to take a look at the diversity of my friend's list to see that I'm not like that. Everyone of you is there because I respect and find interesting what you have to say. In fact, I've only ever defriended two people here: one because he was pretty damn stupid but was arrogant and didn't realize it (and I really can't suffer the both of those traits put together)and the other because she showed joy int he fact that several cops held down Andrew Myer in Florida and then tasered him, which I found to be a disgusting quality in that person. I wonder how she feels about the cops in Canada killing that poor guy by tasering him? But anyhoo, to recap, don't think that because I will argue you up and down about something means that I don't respect you, OK?
* I read this the other day and tend to agree with it:
"The only choice we are presented with is the choice between the spectacle of domination and the spectacle of opposition." --- Larry Law, speaking about political "choice" in Western societies.
There is more:
“In the society of the spectacle, we are not all expected to hold the same views. Indeed, we are encouraged to have strong opinions about this or that particular issue. All that is required is that we remain passively receptive to the overall design.”
“Far from damaging the system, (activists) actually legitimize it. By their petitioning, they acknowledge the right of those in power to exercise that power as they choose.”
“Anyone working for a saner world will, from time to time, be faced with the choice of caring for present suffering or working to remove the cause of suffering. The choice is always painful. More so because we know that a preoccupation with present suffering-of which there is apparently an inexhaustible supply-is a means of social control. We all know people who have become so involved in caring for present suffering that they have not time and eventually no optimism for the radical changes which would remove the source of the problem.”
“Capitalism cannot be reformed piece by tiny piece. Surely it is not our intention to take out bank loans to buy back our world from capitalism. Neither is it our intention to help capitalism run more efficiently.”
I'm done with activism. For real. My time away from it after all of the slightly less conservative people, who call themselves "liberals", than the people who actually call themselves "Conservatives" , that I worked with in activism here for so long, jumped ship to the Other War Party AKA The Democratic Party, has let me sit back from afar and view activism as someone not involved in it. And I think it's bunk. Worthless. Bullshit. I do think activists legitimize the moneyed elites grip on power. Activists say, "hey, listen to us, and end the war", for example, when the people they are addressing should not even HAVE the power to wage wars. So what do we do instead? I don't know, but I do know that if activism changed anything it would simply not be allowed. Same thing for voting.
* Hickory. I can't see myself living here all of my life. I imagine that I'll end up in the South West somewhere at some point. I did fall in love with Albuquerque while there on tour. I want to be in a city, but one that is laid back where people are nice. Fuck the crazy busy cities full of rude ass people that you find up north (New York and Philadelphia comes to mind), and fuck the cookie cutter, boring, bland ass cities you find down South too (Atlanta and Charlotte comes to mind). That said, Hickory will do for now. While I have little love for it, I don't hate it here either. It is beautiful and close to our breathtaking mountains, so I can deal with it OK, and I do have good friends here after all.
* Tee and Coffee Company. Tee's mother quit, because, of course, she was a dipshit who couldn't run it, and Tee is back to running it again. If you recall, I called for a boycott when Tee allowed her to fire Robbyn because she had overheard Robbyn fussing about her coming in late, not cleaning up after she closed, and messing the schedule up. So, my boycott call must be working, because I heard today that Tee is royally pissed off at me, and doesn't appreciate me disparaging his business. I have no idea where that comes from, because I called for a boycott because he's an asshole, not because Alex, his girlfriend, mixed decaf and caffeinated beans together once (which is bad shit for people allergic to caffeine) , or that I once saw gnats all over muffins that were sitting on the counter waiting to be wrapped. See? That's the first time I mentioned any of this in public, but since he's telling people that I am talking shit about his business anyway, I might as well start.
Bed time now. Hope you all have a good weekend.
********
Other stuff that has been on my mind recently:
* Joyce. Her being bipolar and all. I should have took that more seriously and read up on it while I was dating her, and especially before I moved to Georgia with her. It would not have made that relationship turn out any better, I know, but it would have been less painful for the both of us, I'd imagine, if I knew what I was getting into and knew better how to deal with it. These last few months, as part of the healing process and the need for understanding, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on about this disease, and it's helped me not to hate her any longer, but just to feel great pity for her for having to live with such a terrible infliction. I've realized that nearly everything that I found intolerable about her by the end was the result of being Bipolar, and even her twisting of reality (that is, saying things about me to other people that she actually was the one guilty of, not I) is very common among many, if not most, bipolar people. I was so miserable in that relationship by December, that I started being cruel to Joyce in certain ways, such as knocking on a dress that she made herself that wasn't perfect (but really was stunning regardless), and once making fun of the way she was wearing a belt until she started crying. For that, I am sorry, and for allowing myself to get into a relationship with a bipolar person and not taking the time to research it before letting the relationship progress so far, I am sorry too. I am far too individualistic to be able to properly devote myself to someone to the level that is needed to be able to make a relationship like that work. If I had really known what bipolar disorder was at the time, I would have never asked Joyce out in the first place, because I don't have what it takes to be with someone like that, to be honest.
* That said, there is a selfish part of me that is glad that I went through that whole experience, including living with her and her parents in Georgia. I was so miserable living there with the three of them, that I came back pissed off and dedicated to not only getting a life back that I gave up to be with Joyce, but improving upon it also. I now have a better job than before I left (and just got my second major raise, woohoo!), have a nice apartment in the area of town that I wanted, am backing to working with Projexorcism and got to tour all the way out to New Mexico this year, and developed the closest and most meaningful friendship I have ever had with Robyyn. Plus, I bought an Access Virus TI with the profit sharing money from the last job in NC I had before I moved. Life is good now, and it was all because I was determined to not let the Georgia experience destroy what I liked about myself and what I knew I was capable of.
* I have very strong opinions and can back all of them up. I'm always a bit afraid that because I am so opinionated and don't back down from them that people are going to decide that I'm an arrogant little fuck and stop speaking to me, or that I don't respect their rights to have their own opinions. Nothing could be further from the truth, I promise. One only has to take a look at the diversity of my friend's list to see that I'm not like that. Everyone of you is there because I respect and find interesting what you have to say. In fact, I've only ever defriended two people here: one because he was pretty damn stupid but was arrogant and didn't realize it (and I really can't suffer the both of those traits put together)and the other because she showed joy int he fact that several cops held down Andrew Myer in Florida and then tasered him, which I found to be a disgusting quality in that person. I wonder how she feels about the cops in Canada killing that poor guy by tasering him? But anyhoo, to recap, don't think that because I will argue you up and down about something means that I don't respect you, OK?
* I read this the other day and tend to agree with it:
"The only choice we are presented with is the choice between the spectacle of domination and the spectacle of opposition." --- Larry Law, speaking about political "choice" in Western societies.
There is more:
“In the society of the spectacle, we are not all expected to hold the same views. Indeed, we are encouraged to have strong opinions about this or that particular issue. All that is required is that we remain passively receptive to the overall design.”
“Far from damaging the system, (activists) actually legitimize it. By their petitioning, they acknowledge the right of those in power to exercise that power as they choose.”
“Anyone working for a saner world will, from time to time, be faced with the choice of caring for present suffering or working to remove the cause of suffering. The choice is always painful. More so because we know that a preoccupation with present suffering-of which there is apparently an inexhaustible supply-is a means of social control. We all know people who have become so involved in caring for present suffering that they have not time and eventually no optimism for the radical changes which would remove the source of the problem.”
“Capitalism cannot be reformed piece by tiny piece. Surely it is not our intention to take out bank loans to buy back our world from capitalism. Neither is it our intention to help capitalism run more efficiently.”
I'm done with activism. For real. My time away from it after all of the slightly less conservative people, who call themselves "liberals", than the people who actually call themselves "Conservatives" , that I worked with in activism here for so long, jumped ship to the Other War Party AKA The Democratic Party, has let me sit back from afar and view activism as someone not involved in it. And I think it's bunk. Worthless. Bullshit. I do think activists legitimize the moneyed elites grip on power. Activists say, "hey, listen to us, and end the war", for example, when the people they are addressing should not even HAVE the power to wage wars. So what do we do instead? I don't know, but I do know that if activism changed anything it would simply not be allowed. Same thing for voting.
* Hickory. I can't see myself living here all of my life. I imagine that I'll end up in the South West somewhere at some point. I did fall in love with Albuquerque while there on tour. I want to be in a city, but one that is laid back where people are nice. Fuck the crazy busy cities full of rude ass people that you find up north (New York and Philadelphia comes to mind), and fuck the cookie cutter, boring, bland ass cities you find down South too (Atlanta and Charlotte comes to mind). That said, Hickory will do for now. While I have little love for it, I don't hate it here either. It is beautiful and close to our breathtaking mountains, so I can deal with it OK, and I do have good friends here after all.
* Tee and Coffee Company. Tee's mother quit, because, of course, she was a dipshit who couldn't run it, and Tee is back to running it again. If you recall, I called for a boycott when Tee allowed her to fire Robbyn because she had overheard Robbyn fussing about her coming in late, not cleaning up after she closed, and messing the schedule up. So, my boycott call must be working, because I heard today that Tee is royally pissed off at me, and doesn't appreciate me disparaging his business. I have no idea where that comes from, because I called for a boycott because he's an asshole, not because Alex, his girlfriend, mixed decaf and caffeinated beans together once (which is bad shit for people allergic to caffeine) , or that I once saw gnats all over muffins that were sitting on the counter waiting to be wrapped. See? That's the first time I mentioned any of this in public, but since he's telling people that I am talking shit about his business anyway, I might as well start.
Bed time now. Hope you all have a good weekend.
********