ugh...

[peter12808]

I've been getting really really nostalgic the last few nights. I think this is a phase, I don't like it. Have you ever wondered about life before you were a part of it. The people you meet, where you were before, what was happening to them before they came into your life. I think about that a lot now, I've met a couple new people and it's weird to think about their lives before I became a part of it. Were they happier? Did they really need to meet me? Why did I meet them when I did? That's the question that has bothered me the most lately. Why? It's that universal question that ravages the mind as it desperately searches for rational explanations. What amazes me about something like myspace is that you can be "friends" with someone for months at a time and not even speak to them, then start. That's how things worked between us, and I like it now, but why not before? I guess it wasn't meant to be, certain things were happening that would have driven one of us away I suppose. I think lately I've wanted to place myself in the past, return to that mentality I once had. Tonight I've been having a strange craving for the past. It truly intrigues me that my senior year went this way. I think about the people I used to talk to and the people I talk to now. I see the people of my past that have fallen to my wayside and I can't help but wonder who's next? I've truly established a pattern that I enjoy, a safety. Now that safety is being put to the test. It must withold distance and outside influence. New people come and go, so who knows what will happen next.

I guess what's bothering me the most lately is that I have a lot of questions that remain unanswered. I wish I knew what was supposed to happen but I only have fog. Everything is so hazy and even when I think I can make out what's supposed to happen, I realize that my eyes are merely playing tricks on me. I feel I have a rather ghostly presence that I'm leaving here, not to sound conceded, just an observation. Though I will not physically be here anymore I still feel that I will be here, a part of me lays with the people here. It's a little surreal right now. I find myself planning the week and the weekend and as I look I realize, this is it. There's nothing after wednesday, it's all over after that. I'm hesitant to leave my safe spot, which is a new for me, maybe because I never actually had one. Maybe the fact that I don't have to be adventurous to remain happy right now is what frightens me. People say that the greatest rewards come from the greatest risks, I guess the hardest part isn't actually taking the risk, it's how it affects what you already now. Currently, I know happines, I have never been happier in my life, things just seem to be flowing seemlessly and no end in site of that. Suddenly I'm forced to pluck myself from this and place myself in a dangerous new position.

I wish I this summer were longer, I love it so much. I have my core and then I'm never scarce for fun with people. I'm sick of living in the past, I'm worried of it becoming a recurring thing. Maybe that's why I'm so curious to see what things were like without me in the picture. I'm going back to that, once again it will be like I don't physically exist in the present of some people. Of course spiritually I will still be here and keeping in touch, but it's not the same. I guess I'm just not done with this place yet; or rather, I wish to bring parts of it with me. True friendships will always withstand the test of time, I just don't want to see the ones I have right now grow thinner at all. I wouldn't call myself scared, rather I'm hesitant. I'm still excited, I know it will be an amazing time in my life, I just want those that I care about here to partake in it with me.

I don't know, I'm sick of nostalgia, it only depresses me...

ps, mike and I want to go to water country next tuesday the 23rd, let me know if you want to come, we'll go out with one last hoorah.