Fuck Up
So, I know this group of pretty amazing people on Twitter. I won't go into names because if they don't know who they are right now, they will by the end of this entry and they probably wouldn't like me 'outing' them. I've never met any of them in person, and even though they probably don't realise it they've kept me (almost) sane, awake and probably even alive.
Urgh. That just sounds so... not what I was wanting to say. Suffice it to say that these people have been (whether they like it or not) an anchor for me over the last eight or nine months. And I fell in love with them all - in the way you do with family.
However, I seem to have one great, natural, unparalleled skill in my life that I can never fail at.
I. Fuck. Up.
Before I elaborate on the statement above - or even on the most recent fuck up there's a few things that have been happening for me.
Last year, someone I thought was my best friend pretty much used me just to get herself a trip to New York to see an actor we both really liked in a play. Although we talked in emails and on AIM daily about the hows and whens of her paying me back, to date I'm still owed almost £400 ($560ish) with no sign of it ever being paid.
Not being paid that money back meant that at the beginning of this year I had bills to pay, no money and got myself into a hell load of financial shit. As a result I almost lost my home a couple of months ago. Unless you've been there, you can't imagine the worry and fear you have every time you leave your house wondering whether, when you return home, the bailiffs have been to visit or if your key will even work in the lock. However thanks to my wonderful (retired and on a fixed-income) parents the bills are getting paid and my key still works in the door.
That episode also means that I have immense trust issues with regards to people. Yet conversely I still give my all when I like someone and think they like me in return. I read too much into platonic relationships and get hurt far too easily because of it.
There's a lot of other things that have been happening in my life too since the new year; my best friend is currently waiting for surgery for blood clots in her legs. She's also at the end of her tether because she's living with her two children at her parent's house waiting for social housing, whilst her partner lives with his parents 12 miles away. My upstairs neighbour's a dick who appears to be clinically deaf because he likes to play his music so loud that he has to shout over it to talk to his visitors... at three in the morning. So yeah, life has been fun.
And then just over a month ago I was diagnosed with major depression. Hardly surprising now when I look back over the last god knows how many months, but as anyone who has suffered or knows someone who has suffered with any form of Mental Health issues knows; when you're there you're usually the last person to notice how you've been affected. And also usually the last to care. But I've been on medication for five weeks now (citalopram 20mg) and until this last week I would probably have said it's been beginning to help. Clearly not.
Anyway, back to the fuck-ups (If you're still here... Hello???)
During the week I've been getting so tired that when I leave work the only thing that keeps me from going to bed for 15 hours is Twitter and people on there. I try and act bouncy and positive and chilled and happy on Twitter hoping that it either cheers other people up slightly or starts to work on me.
I also RP (role-play) with the awesome people I mentioned at the beginning. I RP like mad because I love the character and I love the whole set-up/plot/character crew and to be honest I love the interactions between all of the characters.
But lately I've felt excluded.
A couple of months ago I had a falling out with a member of the RP group, and since then I'm no longer invited into the group Skype chats, and very rarely will anyone initiate a conversation with me on there. So although we chat on Twitter, I'm left out of the loop a lot in plot and general day to day discussions. And since four of the RP group members live within easy travelling distance of each other, with the others also being on the same continent (USA), those conversations usually occur in person or via texts (well, it's sensible to do it that way isn't it?).
Not being invited into the group chat just added to the feeling I was given that I'm not wanted in the group on a personal level, though they seem to be happy and enjoy what I do with my RP character. In fact there's only really been one person that I could have a laugh with, RP with or generally chat to recently on more than just a superficial basis and that was the Captain's Pet. I loved our conversations which made me laugh, squee and wibble at the same time, and it made me feel included in a way I'd really missed.
You all know what's been going on in each other's lives, yet I've just been bumbling around on Twitter like a blind, ignorant idiot. And apparently there's been a lot going on in people's lives that are causing you difficulties.
I didn't know. Any of it.
So yeah, when I found out I got upset. Then holy hell broke loose because apparently without people talking to me, I'm a) supposed to know about all of this, b) not get upset that I'm left in the dark and c) not take it personally.
And still no-one is talking to me about anything.
And I do take it personally. I handle any form of rejection extremely badly and to me, this whole thing has whiffed of rejection. Which is partly why I reacted so badly and inappropriately the way I did.
But I'm more than willing to admit that my judgement on all of this is completely screwed. The fact that I've been sitting for most of last night and today in floods of tears is probably a big indicator of how much I hurt right now. And hard as it may be to believe from what I've rambled about above, I'm not blaming anyone but myself. And I'm blaming myself a lot.
I love you all. But I hurt thinking that you don't even really like me that much. Especially right now.
Phew. I'm gonna leave this pity party now before I end up cracking the whisky open. The tears have started again, and I'm just going to post this and try to find something that doesn't remind too much of the things I've given up.
If you're still reading this, god bless you. <3 It was never really meant for anything other than a cathartic exercise so I appreciate it.
Urgh. That just sounds so... not what I was wanting to say. Suffice it to say that these people have been (whether they like it or not) an anchor for me over the last eight or nine months. And I fell in love with them all - in the way you do with family.
However, I seem to have one great, natural, unparalleled skill in my life that I can never fail at.
I. Fuck. Up.
Before I elaborate on the statement above - or even on the most recent fuck up there's a few things that have been happening for me.
Last year, someone I thought was my best friend pretty much used me just to get herself a trip to New York to see an actor we both really liked in a play. Although we talked in emails and on AIM daily about the hows and whens of her paying me back, to date I'm still owed almost £400 ($560ish) with no sign of it ever being paid.
Not being paid that money back meant that at the beginning of this year I had bills to pay, no money and got myself into a hell load of financial shit. As a result I almost lost my home a couple of months ago. Unless you've been there, you can't imagine the worry and fear you have every time you leave your house wondering whether, when you return home, the bailiffs have been to visit or if your key will even work in the lock. However thanks to my wonderful (retired and on a fixed-income) parents the bills are getting paid and my key still works in the door.
That episode also means that I have immense trust issues with regards to people. Yet conversely I still give my all when I like someone and think they like me in return. I read too much into platonic relationships and get hurt far too easily because of it.
There's a lot of other things that have been happening in my life too since the new year; my best friend is currently waiting for surgery for blood clots in her legs. She's also at the end of her tether because she's living with her two children at her parent's house waiting for social housing, whilst her partner lives with his parents 12 miles away. My upstairs neighbour's a dick who appears to be clinically deaf because he likes to play his music so loud that he has to shout over it to talk to his visitors... at three in the morning. So yeah, life has been fun.
And then just over a month ago I was diagnosed with major depression. Hardly surprising now when I look back over the last god knows how many months, but as anyone who has suffered or knows someone who has suffered with any form of Mental Health issues knows; when you're there you're usually the last person to notice how you've been affected. And also usually the last to care. But I've been on medication for five weeks now (citalopram 20mg) and until this last week I would probably have said it's been beginning to help. Clearly not.
Anyway, back to the fuck-ups (If you're still here... Hello???)
During the week I've been getting so tired that when I leave work the only thing that keeps me from going to bed for 15 hours is Twitter and people on there. I try and act bouncy and positive and chilled and happy on Twitter hoping that it either cheers other people up slightly or starts to work on me.
I also RP (role-play) with the awesome people I mentioned at the beginning. I RP like mad because I love the character and I love the whole set-up/plot/character crew and to be honest I love the interactions between all of the characters.
But lately I've felt excluded.
A couple of months ago I had a falling out with a member of the RP group, and since then I'm no longer invited into the group Skype chats, and very rarely will anyone initiate a conversation with me on there. So although we chat on Twitter, I'm left out of the loop a lot in plot and general day to day discussions. And since four of the RP group members live within easy travelling distance of each other, with the others also being on the same continent (USA), those conversations usually occur in person or via texts (well, it's sensible to do it that way isn't it?).
Not being invited into the group chat just added to the feeling I was given that I'm not wanted in the group on a personal level, though they seem to be happy and enjoy what I do with my RP character. In fact there's only really been one person that I could have a laugh with, RP with or generally chat to recently on more than just a superficial basis and that was the Captain's Pet. I loved our conversations which made me laugh, squee and wibble at the same time, and it made me feel included in a way I'd really missed.
You all know what's been going on in each other's lives, yet I've just been bumbling around on Twitter like a blind, ignorant idiot. And apparently there's been a lot going on in people's lives that are causing you difficulties.
I didn't know. Any of it.
So yeah, when I found out I got upset. Then holy hell broke loose because apparently without people talking to me, I'm a) supposed to know about all of this, b) not get upset that I'm left in the dark and c) not take it personally.
And still no-one is talking to me about anything.
And I do take it personally. I handle any form of rejection extremely badly and to me, this whole thing has whiffed of rejection. Which is partly why I reacted so badly and inappropriately the way I did.
But I'm more than willing to admit that my judgement on all of this is completely screwed. The fact that I've been sitting for most of last night and today in floods of tears is probably a big indicator of how much I hurt right now. And hard as it may be to believe from what I've rambled about above, I'm not blaming anyone but myself. And I'm blaming myself a lot.
I love you all. But I hurt thinking that you don't even really like me that much. Especially right now.
Phew. I'm gonna leave this pity party now before I end up cracking the whisky open. The tears have started again, and I'm just going to post this and try to find something that doesn't remind too much of the things I've given up.
If you're still reading this, god bless you. <3 It was never really meant for anything other than a cathartic exercise so I appreciate it.