collateral damage
i've shut out some people along the way.
as wonderful, horrible, blissful, heart-wrenching and never-boring but sometimes dull these last five years have been, I know there have been people i've brushed, blown, cheesed(?) off. I'm sorry. Where is my life headed? I keep on trying to plan every detail, write it on paper so it must be true. I have a recurring nightmare where I can't see in front of me, the fog is too thick. I hate not knowing the future. Seeing as how I'm not going to wake up tomorrow with the power of the all seeing eye, I'm figuring i should just accept it. I thought i was going to go back home when I graduate, that would be so awesome, but at the same time I know I would probably be ok anywhere i went. It just seems to always work out wherever I am, maybe I'm resourceful or just complacent, can't figure out which but if it ain't broke, right? Anyway in less than 2 months I'll be flying to New York for the first time, I will be interviewing for the NYC Teaching Fellows. I think it would be an amazing thing to start a chapter of my post-graduate life in New York. On the other hand it kind of scares me to be so far away from everyone (but the money, the money!). I could stay in Orlando if I get somewhere with the company i'm with. I could apply to the phD program, I could apply at FIU for the phD program, neither of those seem as glamorous as moving to NY but yet they also don't seem as scary. scary...scared...i'm a big brave dog.
let's set those thoughts aside for a moment. Finals are among us, and those of us still in school must be dreading the days but also anxiously awaiting the winter break. I'll be busily trying to pull a thesis out of my ass like a magic trick, as I have slacked on that for the entire semester. Hence this post, as I am supposed to be doing my lit search. Money is tight but I really want to see daniel radcliffe in equus when i get to ny. Too bad all the colbert and stewart shows are booked til fucking april i would have LOVED to go. I would sand in line for the SNL tickets but i have my interview at the time they give them out. so that leaves a tour of Rockefeller center. Is it normal to doubt everything you've done and everything you do, is adulthood supposed to be so murky, i just want a moment of clarity, something to assure me everything i've done counts for something and is leading up to something great. what if i say you're not like the others? what if i say you're not just another one of your plays, you're the pretender, what if I say I will never surrender? sorry i'm listening to that song on my zune right now and i wanted you to share in the moment.
fuck.
I WANT SOMETHING MORE...but i don't know what it is.
i feel like the fool on the hill.
i feel like fucking....ahhh i don't know.
i'm not sad, i'm not terribly happy. i'm super emotional,
tumultous inside. I find myself thinking of people i used to know
back when things were simpler. i find myself needing friends.
i know orlando is ripe with them...i just haven't come out of my cave to say hi.
damn me and my cave.
as wonderful, horrible, blissful, heart-wrenching and never-boring but sometimes dull these last five years have been, I know there have been people i've brushed, blown, cheesed(?) off. I'm sorry. Where is my life headed? I keep on trying to plan every detail, write it on paper so it must be true. I have a recurring nightmare where I can't see in front of me, the fog is too thick. I hate not knowing the future. Seeing as how I'm not going to wake up tomorrow with the power of the all seeing eye, I'm figuring i should just accept it. I thought i was going to go back home when I graduate, that would be so awesome, but at the same time I know I would probably be ok anywhere i went. It just seems to always work out wherever I am, maybe I'm resourceful or just complacent, can't figure out which but if it ain't broke, right? Anyway in less than 2 months I'll be flying to New York for the first time, I will be interviewing for the NYC Teaching Fellows. I think it would be an amazing thing to start a chapter of my post-graduate life in New York. On the other hand it kind of scares me to be so far away from everyone (but the money, the money!). I could stay in Orlando if I get somewhere with the company i'm with. I could apply to the phD program, I could apply at FIU for the phD program, neither of those seem as glamorous as moving to NY but yet they also don't seem as scary. scary...scared...i'm a big brave dog.
let's set those thoughts aside for a moment. Finals are among us, and those of us still in school must be dreading the days but also anxiously awaiting the winter break. I'll be busily trying to pull a thesis out of my ass like a magic trick, as I have slacked on that for the entire semester. Hence this post, as I am supposed to be doing my lit search. Money is tight but I really want to see daniel radcliffe in equus when i get to ny. Too bad all the colbert and stewart shows are booked til fucking april i would have LOVED to go. I would sand in line for the SNL tickets but i have my interview at the time they give them out. so that leaves a tour of Rockefeller center. Is it normal to doubt everything you've done and everything you do, is adulthood supposed to be so murky, i just want a moment of clarity, something to assure me everything i've done counts for something and is leading up to something great. what if i say you're not like the others? what if i say you're not just another one of your plays, you're the pretender, what if I say I will never surrender? sorry i'm listening to that song on my zune right now and i wanted you to share in the moment.
fuck.
I WANT SOMETHING MORE...but i don't know what it is.
i feel like the fool on the hill.
i feel like fucking....ahhh i don't know.
i'm not sad, i'm not terribly happy. i'm super emotional,
tumultous inside. I find myself thinking of people i used to know
back when things were simpler. i find myself needing friends.
i know orlando is ripe with them...i just haven't come out of my cave to say hi.
damn me and my cave.