X-Men fic. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...
Title: X-Men: The Wrath of Kale
Genre: Parody. Absolutely ridiculous parody.
Rating: PG-13.
Wordcount: 2000-ish.
Warning: Spoilers for X-Men: First Class. Will not make sense unless you've seen it, anyway. Will not make sense even if you *have* seen it.
Summary: Professor X gains a brilliant protege when a gifted and enigmatic new mutant arrives at the mansion.
The Wrath of Kale
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation - Marcus Tullius Cicero
It had once been nothing but a house, a mere building, however grand; now it was home to some of the most extraordinary young people in the world. Filled with their joys and fears, their hope and their promise. Filled with their power.
Nothing could equal the fulfilment of training, of cultivating, such remarkable minds, teaching them to truly embrace and master their various and magnificent abilities. Nothing except, perhaps, the pleasure of discovering new and ever more amazing students.
“I must ask you all to be quiet,” Charles Xavier whispered to the eager group surrounding him. “He's very shy. In fact, he hasn't even told me his name yet.”
“We won't scare him.” Raven promised. Her adopted brother had kept everyone away from their newest friend until now, claiming that the unfortunate youth, cruelly left abandoned outside a grocer's shop, was too traumatised for social interaction. Raven was particularly intrigued, because, as Charles explained, the young mutant had probably been abandoned because of his extremely unusual physical appearance. “Can we see him now?” she begged.
“Absolutely. I can't wait to introduce him.” Charles' own voice had risen in his excitement. “I'm sure you'll all make him welcome, and he'll be a wonderful addition to the team once I - I mean, we - help him realise his full potential.”
Slowly, to avoid frightening the timid new recruit, Raven pushed open the door to the drawing room. The others - Hank, Alex, and Sean - crowded eagerly behind her, almost as curious as she. Charles had intimated that their new friend might be possessed of more incredible powers than any of them had seen so far.
“Where's Erik?” Charles demanded, suddenly, throwing out a hand to prevent the others from entering the room. “He should be here to greet our new arrival. I don't want any unexpected surprises, and Erik can be quite...intense, until you get to know him.”
And a lot more intense after you got to know him, Raven thought.
“I'm here.” Erik squeezed past the others to stand beside Charles. “You didn't think I'd presume to miss your dramatic reveal of this amazing ally, did you?”
“Now don't tease him,” Charles cautioned. “Who knows what power he might unleash if we startle or upset him. His mind must truly be remarkable - he can block my telepathy entirely, for example.”
Erik rolled his eyes impatiently, too keen to see this mysterious new mutant to argue.
Unable to restrain himself any longer, Charles threw the drawing-room door wide open, ushering the others inside at last. “Gentlemen!” he cried, “and Raven, obviously - may I present the newest member of our team?”
The group jostled each other to see - nobody. The room was empty except for a pile of groceries somebody had left on a leather armchair by the fire.
Raven broke the awkward pause that followed. “Um - I guess we scared him off.”
Charles looked perplexed and slightly annoyed. “I would have thought that you, Raven, would be the last person to mock. He's sitting right there!” And he pointed to the armchair.
“Where?” asked Hank McCoy, polishing his glasses and wondering if perhaps the new mutant happened to be very, very small.
“There! Right there, sitting in that chair by the fireplace! Have you all gone mad?”
Erik, following his friend's gaze, voiced all their thoughts. “Charles, that's a cabbage.”
There was a shocked silence, and then: “Erik - how could you?” Charles went over to the fireplace and laid a conciliatory hand on the cabbage's wilting outer leaves. “Please, pay no attention to my friend's idea of humour. He's just jealous.”
“Charles,” this in the tone of a man exercising considerable self-restraint, “it is a cabbage. A savoy cabbage,to be precise, and past its best freshness if the smell is anything to go by.”
Charles shook his head, stroking his new friend's leaves tenderly. “I'm disappointed in you, Erik. How can you be so cold after all this poor creature has suffered? How can you denigrate your own kind, a mutant like yourself? He may look different, but his mind is incredible. I can't read him at all.”
“You can't read him,” Erik explained patiently, “because he is a cabbage. It may possibly be a mutant cabbage; I don't know. But I am absolutely certain that it is not, and has never been, sentient.”
Behind them, Raven and Hank were exchanging worried looks; Sean and Alex, on the other hand, were both grinning.
“Great prank, Professor,” Alex said.
“Yeah, we didn't know you had such a sense of humour!” Sean chimed in.
“You think this is a joke? Can't you see you're upsetting him? And Erik, how dare you describe our new friend in such insulting terms! Yes, he may suffer from certain physical limitations, but his mind is beautiful and powerful!”
Erik, ignoring both Charles' scolding and the boys' amused byplay, addressed himself to an anxious-looking McCoy. “This is your fault. That telepathy-amplifying machine of yours has done something to his brain.”
“That or all the pot he smoked at university,” Raven muttered.
Charles got up, cradling the cabbage in his arms. “Don't listen to them. Don't listen to any of them! I'll take on your training myself. I believe in you, Green Fury.” He scowled defiantly at the others as he passed. “You'll be eating your words in a few days, I tell you.”
Raven looked helplessly at Erik, who shrugged, shook his head wearily. “Let him get it out of his system,” he advised. “It's probably overwork.”
“Overwork? He's trying to train a useless vegetable to control its powers!”
Erik was unable to resist. “You say that as though it's something new,” he smirked.
x-x-x-x
Two days of Raven pestering him, and Erik's determination to leave Charles to it had waned. He had finally conceded to talk to his friend, and approached him in the garden, acutely aware of the anxious faces of the rest of the team pressed against the windows above.
“Charles,” he began, as kindly as possible, “I know you've been working very hard, but this really can't...what are you doing?”
“Hush,” Charles hissed, fingers pressed to his temple. “We're training.”
“What,” Erik asked, delicately, “are you training the cabbage to do? Sit still in silence? Because he seems to have that down already.”
“Stop calling him a cabbage. His name is Green Fury!”
“I beg his pardon,” Erik muttered, deciding the best course was to humour his friend for the time being.
“I'm trying to help him unlock his ability,” Charles explained, more calmly, “but he still won't let me touch his mind...”
Erik sighed, and went back into the house.
x-x-x-x
Three days later, Charles was in his study, trying to interest Green Fury in The Once and Future King. Erik and the others hovered outside the door, attempting to explain to Moira MacTaggert that their leader was currently unavailable to save the world because he was busy teaching a literature class to a cabbage.
“That's not a metaphor, I'm sad to say.”
“You mean he actually thinks the cabbage is...”
“A mutant, yes. A small, green, faceless mutant with an increasingly severe problem with body odour.”
“He can't help that!” came Charles' rebuttal, through the door. “And I don't think it's polite of you to keep mentioning it.”
“There must be something we can do!” Moira exclaimed.
“Sauerkraut?” suggested Erik, dryly.
x-x-x-x
“Charles, this can't go on.” Two more days had gone by and Erik was beginning to run out of patience, but he tried, for his friend's sake, to rein in his frustration.
“It's all right - his training is finished. Green Fury has exceeded all of my expectations.”
“Charles...”
Green Fury sat between them on a table, outfitted in a snug little suit of yellow armour, custom-made by Hank, who seemed to feel that humouring Charles was the safest thing to do.
“He's ready for his first mission.”
“No, no he isn't.”
“Yes he is! Don't you recall how I helped you, Erik?” He gazed down tenderly at the cabbage. “Remember, Green Fury - the point between rage and serenity.”
“Well, he's got the serenity part down, at least.”
“You see?” Charles beamed happily at his protege. “Halfway there already! He'll outstrip all of us before this day is over, you mark my words.”
x-x-x-x
“Are you ready, Green Fury?” As the jet climbed rapidly into the sky, Charles anxiously checked the fastenings on his friend's parachute. “You mustn't be scared.” He touched a finger to his own forehead, primarily, Erik assumed, because the cabbage didn't possess one. “I'll be with you all the way.”
Nobody said anything. At this stage, it seemed pointless to argue.
“Just get on with it, Charles.”
“He's nervous, Erik, show some compassion.”
“Give him a push,” Sean suggested. “Worked for me.”
Before Charles could object, Erik shoved the cabbage out of the jet's open hatch. Its chute failing to open, Green Fury hurtled several hundred feet and landed squarely on Sebastian Shaw's head. Chlorophyll being one of the few types of energy Shaw couldn't absorb, it killed him instantly.
“You see?” Charles cried, exultant. He leaned dangerously out of the hatch to shout, “I knew you could do it, Green Fury!”
“That somehow wasn't as fulfilling as I expected,” murmured Erik.
x-x-x-x-x
A week later, Green Fury and the rest of the team were relaxing in the garden, enjoying the peace and quiet of a warm, sunny, evil-mutant-free day. Charles and Erik were interrupted in their chess game by Moira, who came up looking anxious.
“Charles...something, er, tragic just happened...try not to be too upset, okay?” She led them to the vegetable patch, where Green Fury had been communing with his kin. Alas, nothing was left of their intrepid comrade but a scattering of mouldy, half-nibbled leaves.
Charles fell to his knees with a cry of grief. “No! My most worthy student, my dearest friend!”
Erik looked momentarily annoyed at this testimonial, but nodded terse agreement when Moira remarked, with guilty relief, “maybe now things can get back to what passes for normal around here...”
x-x-x-x
The following evening, Charles called the whole team to the drawing room once again, meeting them outside the door. He was wearing a black arm-band, and projecting the same aura of sadness which had surrounded him at Green Fury's state funeral earlier that day, but there was determination in his eyes.
“I wanted to inform you all,” he said, his hand resting respectfully on a life-size statue he'd had made of their late, lamented team-mate, “that I caught the assassin who took Green Fury from us at such a tragically young age.”
There was a collective groan, which Charles ignored. “However,” he went on, “I have discovered that it was no cruel, callous murder, but the desperate act of a creature whose only desire was to survive. I know this will be hard,” he gazed compassionately round at them all, “but I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive Green Fury's inadvertent slayer, to whom I have offered a home with us. Please, try not to be shocked by his appearance.”
Charles opened the door and beckoned them inside. His mind is not quite so exalted as Green Fury's, he confided to Erik, in a telepathic aside. Fellow seems to think about nothing but food and sex. Still, I'm sure in time he'll be a worthy ally.
The newest member of the team sat in Green Fury's old chair by the fireplace. It twitched its nose, flopped its long ears, and looked inquisitively into Charles' face as he began an empowering welcome speech. “Don't be nervous; you're among friends. We're here to help you unlock your true potential. I believe in you, Watership Down...”
x-x-x-x
Genre: Parody. Absolutely ridiculous parody.
Rating: PG-13.
Wordcount: 2000-ish.
Warning: Spoilers for X-Men: First Class. Will not make sense unless you've seen it, anyway. Will not make sense even if you *have* seen it.
Summary: Professor X gains a brilliant protege when a gifted and enigmatic new mutant arrives at the mansion.
The Wrath of Kale
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation - Marcus Tullius Cicero
It had once been nothing but a house, a mere building, however grand; now it was home to some of the most extraordinary young people in the world. Filled with their joys and fears, their hope and their promise. Filled with their power.
Nothing could equal the fulfilment of training, of cultivating, such remarkable minds, teaching them to truly embrace and master their various and magnificent abilities. Nothing except, perhaps, the pleasure of discovering new and ever more amazing students.
“I must ask you all to be quiet,” Charles Xavier whispered to the eager group surrounding him. “He's very shy. In fact, he hasn't even told me his name yet.”
“We won't scare him.” Raven promised. Her adopted brother had kept everyone away from their newest friend until now, claiming that the unfortunate youth, cruelly left abandoned outside a grocer's shop, was too traumatised for social interaction. Raven was particularly intrigued, because, as Charles explained, the young mutant had probably been abandoned because of his extremely unusual physical appearance. “Can we see him now?” she begged.
“Absolutely. I can't wait to introduce him.” Charles' own voice had risen in his excitement. “I'm sure you'll all make him welcome, and he'll be a wonderful addition to the team once I - I mean, we - help him realise his full potential.”
Slowly, to avoid frightening the timid new recruit, Raven pushed open the door to the drawing room. The others - Hank, Alex, and Sean - crowded eagerly behind her, almost as curious as she. Charles had intimated that their new friend might be possessed of more incredible powers than any of them had seen so far.
“Where's Erik?” Charles demanded, suddenly, throwing out a hand to prevent the others from entering the room. “He should be here to greet our new arrival. I don't want any unexpected surprises, and Erik can be quite...intense, until you get to know him.”
And a lot more intense after you got to know him, Raven thought.
“I'm here.” Erik squeezed past the others to stand beside Charles. “You didn't think I'd presume to miss your dramatic reveal of this amazing ally, did you?”
“Now don't tease him,” Charles cautioned. “Who knows what power he might unleash if we startle or upset him. His mind must truly be remarkable - he can block my telepathy entirely, for example.”
Erik rolled his eyes impatiently, too keen to see this mysterious new mutant to argue.
Unable to restrain himself any longer, Charles threw the drawing-room door wide open, ushering the others inside at last. “Gentlemen!” he cried, “and Raven, obviously - may I present the newest member of our team?”
The group jostled each other to see - nobody. The room was empty except for a pile of groceries somebody had left on a leather armchair by the fire.
Raven broke the awkward pause that followed. “Um - I guess we scared him off.”
Charles looked perplexed and slightly annoyed. “I would have thought that you, Raven, would be the last person to mock. He's sitting right there!” And he pointed to the armchair.
“Where?” asked Hank McCoy, polishing his glasses and wondering if perhaps the new mutant happened to be very, very small.
“There! Right there, sitting in that chair by the fireplace! Have you all gone mad?”
Erik, following his friend's gaze, voiced all their thoughts. “Charles, that's a cabbage.”
There was a shocked silence, and then: “Erik - how could you?” Charles went over to the fireplace and laid a conciliatory hand on the cabbage's wilting outer leaves. “Please, pay no attention to my friend's idea of humour. He's just jealous.”
“Charles,” this in the tone of a man exercising considerable self-restraint, “it is a cabbage. A savoy cabbage,to be precise, and past its best freshness if the smell is anything to go by.”
Charles shook his head, stroking his new friend's leaves tenderly. “I'm disappointed in you, Erik. How can you be so cold after all this poor creature has suffered? How can you denigrate your own kind, a mutant like yourself? He may look different, but his mind is incredible. I can't read him at all.”
“You can't read him,” Erik explained patiently, “because he is a cabbage. It may possibly be a mutant cabbage; I don't know. But I am absolutely certain that it is not, and has never been, sentient.”
Behind them, Raven and Hank were exchanging worried looks; Sean and Alex, on the other hand, were both grinning.
“Great prank, Professor,” Alex said.
“Yeah, we didn't know you had such a sense of humour!” Sean chimed in.
“You think this is a joke? Can't you see you're upsetting him? And Erik, how dare you describe our new friend in such insulting terms! Yes, he may suffer from certain physical limitations, but his mind is beautiful and powerful!”
Erik, ignoring both Charles' scolding and the boys' amused byplay, addressed himself to an anxious-looking McCoy. “This is your fault. That telepathy-amplifying machine of yours has done something to his brain.”
“That or all the pot he smoked at university,” Raven muttered.
Charles got up, cradling the cabbage in his arms. “Don't listen to them. Don't listen to any of them! I'll take on your training myself. I believe in you, Green Fury.” He scowled defiantly at the others as he passed. “You'll be eating your words in a few days, I tell you.”
Raven looked helplessly at Erik, who shrugged, shook his head wearily. “Let him get it out of his system,” he advised. “It's probably overwork.”
“Overwork? He's trying to train a useless vegetable to control its powers!”
Erik was unable to resist. “You say that as though it's something new,” he smirked.
x-x-x-x
Two days of Raven pestering him, and Erik's determination to leave Charles to it had waned. He had finally conceded to talk to his friend, and approached him in the garden, acutely aware of the anxious faces of the rest of the team pressed against the windows above.
“Charles,” he began, as kindly as possible, “I know you've been working very hard, but this really can't...what are you doing?”
“Hush,” Charles hissed, fingers pressed to his temple. “We're training.”
“What,” Erik asked, delicately, “are you training the cabbage to do? Sit still in silence? Because he seems to have that down already.”
“Stop calling him a cabbage. His name is Green Fury!”
“I beg his pardon,” Erik muttered, deciding the best course was to humour his friend for the time being.
“I'm trying to help him unlock his ability,” Charles explained, more calmly, “but he still won't let me touch his mind...”
Erik sighed, and went back into the house.
x-x-x-x
Three days later, Charles was in his study, trying to interest Green Fury in The Once and Future King. Erik and the others hovered outside the door, attempting to explain to Moira MacTaggert that their leader was currently unavailable to save the world because he was busy teaching a literature class to a cabbage.
“That's not a metaphor, I'm sad to say.”
“You mean he actually thinks the cabbage is...”
“A mutant, yes. A small, green, faceless mutant with an increasingly severe problem with body odour.”
“He can't help that!” came Charles' rebuttal, through the door. “And I don't think it's polite of you to keep mentioning it.”
“There must be something we can do!” Moira exclaimed.
“Sauerkraut?” suggested Erik, dryly.
x-x-x-x
“Charles, this can't go on.” Two more days had gone by and Erik was beginning to run out of patience, but he tried, for his friend's sake, to rein in his frustration.
“It's all right - his training is finished. Green Fury has exceeded all of my expectations.”
“Charles...”
Green Fury sat between them on a table, outfitted in a snug little suit of yellow armour, custom-made by Hank, who seemed to feel that humouring Charles was the safest thing to do.
“He's ready for his first mission.”
“No, no he isn't.”
“Yes he is! Don't you recall how I helped you, Erik?” He gazed down tenderly at the cabbage. “Remember, Green Fury - the point between rage and serenity.”
“Well, he's got the serenity part down, at least.”
“You see?” Charles beamed happily at his protege. “Halfway there already! He'll outstrip all of us before this day is over, you mark my words.”
x-x-x-x
“Are you ready, Green Fury?” As the jet climbed rapidly into the sky, Charles anxiously checked the fastenings on his friend's parachute. “You mustn't be scared.” He touched a finger to his own forehead, primarily, Erik assumed, because the cabbage didn't possess one. “I'll be with you all the way.”
Nobody said anything. At this stage, it seemed pointless to argue.
“Just get on with it, Charles.”
“He's nervous, Erik, show some compassion.”
“Give him a push,” Sean suggested. “Worked for me.”
Before Charles could object, Erik shoved the cabbage out of the jet's open hatch. Its chute failing to open, Green Fury hurtled several hundred feet and landed squarely on Sebastian Shaw's head. Chlorophyll being one of the few types of energy Shaw couldn't absorb, it killed him instantly.
“You see?” Charles cried, exultant. He leaned dangerously out of the hatch to shout, “I knew you could do it, Green Fury!”
“That somehow wasn't as fulfilling as I expected,” murmured Erik.
x-x-x-x-x
A week later, Green Fury and the rest of the team were relaxing in the garden, enjoying the peace and quiet of a warm, sunny, evil-mutant-free day. Charles and Erik were interrupted in their chess game by Moira, who came up looking anxious.
“Charles...something, er, tragic just happened...try not to be too upset, okay?” She led them to the vegetable patch, where Green Fury had been communing with his kin. Alas, nothing was left of their intrepid comrade but a scattering of mouldy, half-nibbled leaves.
Charles fell to his knees with a cry of grief. “No! My most worthy student, my dearest friend!”
Erik looked momentarily annoyed at this testimonial, but nodded terse agreement when Moira remarked, with guilty relief, “maybe now things can get back to what passes for normal around here...”
x-x-x-x
The following evening, Charles called the whole team to the drawing room once again, meeting them outside the door. He was wearing a black arm-band, and projecting the same aura of sadness which had surrounded him at Green Fury's state funeral earlier that day, but there was determination in his eyes.
“I wanted to inform you all,” he said, his hand resting respectfully on a life-size statue he'd had made of their late, lamented team-mate, “that I caught the assassin who took Green Fury from us at such a tragically young age.”
There was a collective groan, which Charles ignored. “However,” he went on, “I have discovered that it was no cruel, callous murder, but the desperate act of a creature whose only desire was to survive. I know this will be hard,” he gazed compassionately round at them all, “but I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive Green Fury's inadvertent slayer, to whom I have offered a home with us. Please, try not to be shocked by his appearance.”
Charles opened the door and beckoned them inside. His mind is not quite so exalted as Green Fury's, he confided to Erik, in a telepathic aside. Fellow seems to think about nothing but food and sex. Still, I'm sure in time he'll be a worthy ally.
The newest member of the team sat in Green Fury's old chair by the fireplace. It twitched its nose, flopped its long ears, and looked inquisitively into Charles' face as he began an empowering welcome speech. “Don't be nervous; you're among friends. We're here to help you unlock your true potential. I believe in you, Watership Down...”
x-x-x-x