Nothing Special. Just My Thoughts
As much as I really hate complaining. I never get to complain or say anything I want even once on how I feel or ect a lot of the time especially past few monthsbecause I never get a chance to when others complain to me constantly about their problems or issues or ect. I do not get to say anything about how my body hurts or feels or if i feel sick or bitch about work or ect because if i ever do mention stuff or i make a comment i always get told i'm trying to one up myself from someone else when I am not doing it as a compatition as I get accused of by a few I know.. I am just saying That sucks..I can understand. I feel like _____ myself really. But even if I say it in this manor I still get accused of the other way no matter what. To be honest it annoys me but not only that it hurts my feelings when I get thought of as doing things as such when I never really do even if my wording is shit and I do not word things in a way some can understand me.
I try hard to keep most of my opinians to myself because on some things I know how they would hurt someones feelings and I prefure to not do that because I myself already know how it would feel/feels... Some people actually seem to not take to consideration myown feelings with what they say to me or their wording of things to me that actually do hurt my feelings not just a little in a way that I can brush it off after a few hours-few days but in a way that actually really hurts me and my feelings majorly. I never say anything about it and I don't treat them any different if I can help it even when I feel really hurt by their actions or words towards me Because I find it a little stupid to even bother holding it as a grudge against the person because it's really not worth it in many ways. Some don't consider that or think about it this way. And when I do say things under lowly or under my breath or ect then I do it intentionally for it to be herd if it is herd because if I have something to say that I don't want someone to hear I keep it to myself and actually don't say it at all.
There are times I know do stupid things but I still try to be a really good friend with who I will consider a actual friend and I do take up for them best I can when I can. I may not be the best person in the world but I do try best I am able to humanly possible on being good of a friend as I am able to be for someone. Because a true friend is very hard to come by especially now a days.
Yes I am majorly depressed and I have been for a good majority of my life which has been this bad since i was 19. I tend to hide this fact for tons of reasons and I do not like bothering people with that issue of mine if I can help it. I just end up letting it be and when certain things build up my stress level to max I just end up breaking down and end up crying and embarrass myself infront of whoever I am around at that time. I do not like doing that but it sometimes cannot be helped no matter what.
Usually sometimes when I bother someone be it talking to them, bothering them in some way (in a innocent light type of bothering way), wanting to go somewhere with them then usualy it is because I feel like shit and would like someones company because it tends to help make me feel better. I do not always want to do this and when I do i don't want to very much even then and am forcing myself to do such for different reasons. I do not like to ask for help and me doing any of these is my way of crying for help basically I guess you can say/call it. I hate to cry infront of people because it makes me feel weak and I don't ever think I am allowed to cry around soemone and am the one who has to be strong and there for everyone else instead when they cry or need to cry. When i do end up crying it makes me embarrassed and most of all it makes me feel like I am weak and I am not supposed to be this and should nto be crying or allowed to do such. I don't feel it is okay for me to be able to cry around someone ever or at all even if I really need to or really want to even if it is a good reason to cry I don't think I should or need to for the fact still of needing to be there for the others who are crying and need someone to be strong for them or in the situation at hand. So if I start to cry around someone of course I will try to hide it or walk away or ect because I don't want to be seen doing this and ect reasons above.
To be honest I may say something is okay but really it's not always true. I just prefure to hide when something bothers me when I sometimes am able to make it more so believable then others. Yes I am well awear of my size and weight. I'm not what is now considered skinny nore am I avarage size anymore. I am awear of that and I am also awear of how many like to point this out about me... This is also why I usualy prefure to hide in my clothing that tends to be 2-3 sizes way bigger then I can wear to be fitting on me. I have very low self esteem about myself from since as far back as I can recall from being put down especially by my, as I call him, Ex father until I turned 19 then I had my ex feance calling medifferent things a lot as well so those are main two who really made it hit me very hard on my self esteem issues more then when most people I don't even know call me things or who I bearly know because to me they do not know me or anything about me and are just saying shit freely as they please and if it really is what they think then it still dosen't matter because I have no connection with them to make it seem all that personal or anything else. That just shows how much of asshole fucktards they really are and some just better hope I never have to meet them or I may end up knocking the fuck outta them for insulting me when they do not even know me reguardless if they know or are friends with any of my friends because that is just a really stupid asshole move to make for no damn reason on someone they do not know that is friends with the person they know or a friend of theirs.. Just shows their major immiturity and then some as well..
Yes I like Japan and Japanese things and I really am trying to study Japanese.. But when people like to try to show off it to me or talk down to me about my knowlage of it or ect when I am trying to learn that is something I do take to heart because it is a form of putting me down if are doing it in a way that it can be taken or considered that. Especially when decide to point out how bad my Japanese is because I have had less time then some to be able to learn it. That is one of the things that do affect me because noone starts out wonderfully at doing it and were just as bad when they started themselves and are just being basically as most would call it a bully.. When people are like that to me it just makes me want to give up because I feel hurt and just loose intrest in it and feel I'll never do good in it and never learn and am just wasting my time trying. If anything it is nicer to just encourage me not shoot me down. Otherwise just keep your comments and mouth to yourself.
I haven't really gotten to see my boyfriend in months again. Last time was half a year. I miss him and it plays a good bit of a role on my esteem building in a way and other things. He actually is one of the only main ones who helps with my depression problems and a few other things. I really do miss him a lot but I also am very well awear of his job and how it does take up a majority of his time and is not able to always be here for me or to talk to me. Even if I wish he would talk to me when I really am in need of him I cannot do much about it and I am awear and undersand it. One of the other things he helps is when I am scared of something (and it has to be something that majorly scares me) he always helps make me feel better and not nearly as afraid at that point and time of whatever has me scared, He comforts me when I need it when I am able to talk to him and it alwasy makes me feel better. Thanks to shit that I had to go through a few years ago a lot of things he works so hard to help build back up with me and then some dropped back down so dtrastically and past the point of when I met him that it isn't even funny and for me to try to fix it all back up alone is not working out as well as I was to hope.
And I try realy hard even if it doesn't show. Noone can see that or can understand but the person who is going through things and is the one trying to fix things on their own because everyone functions differently and no one can do things the same as the other reguardless of what one person things who can fix their own problems the way they did doesn't mean that it is that easy or would work for another person.
I am a very easy going and tend to be a very understanding person. I don't always answer or say something when I do listen to others complain or rant or ect to me because I just prefure to listen instead and sometimes I do not always have an answer to what the person is saying to me but I am at least listening to their problems they come to me with no matter what it is about because it's at least nice that someone will listen to your problems when you have em reguardless what they are about even if they do not answer you in any way. It at least is showing that they care enough to listen to what you have to say and giving you their full attention with sitting and watching and listening to what you are saying and not messing with anything as you talk being a computer or phone or reading a book , watching a movie or playing a game or ect. pausing with doing any of those things and just sitting and listening to you shows they are giving full attention and at least care enough to see what you have to say. Only time I usualy am doing any of the above things is becasue i need to tell people I am going to help a friend and brb or have to pause my game or find a spot i can pause at on what i'm reading, wathcing ect especially if it is one of the important things someone comes to me about is when I will do that type of stuff I guess is what I mean.
I may not complain and I may work good few hours over 2-3 hours usually but that is because I was raised to where I am used to manual laybor even if my body does hurt really bad during working 4- + hour shifts. It's not because I am able to handle it.. it is because I am used to having to deal with a lot of pain that I have body wise every day and working wise that I just do it unless it is so bad that I am not able to stand or walk with out crying and I don't do this very often if I can help it. One of my pain problems with my body is my hip sockets which is not anything that is even fixable and never was and is something I was born with and the issues I have with them will only just get worse with my age reguardless what I do. Even if to you it doesn't seem like I have any major issues with pain or illnesses of any sort doesn't mean it's true. You are not in my body so you do not know the full exstent of pain I deal with daily or anything else. I have chronic broncitous which is only a weaker form of asthma but I haven't been able to get or afford a new inhalor for a while now. So I do tend to have issues with my breathing and when I seem to be in dryer air it affects it more then when I still lived in the south where the air was more humid and made easier a bit for me to breath. So I may not seem like I'm having issues breathing around someone but I sometimes am but try not to make it obvious I am having the problems. Because when seems I do people think I am being over dramatic when I really cannot breath or am just starting to have the problem where breathing feels very shallow for me and it is hard. I have very bad insomnia so I am lucky if i get more then 2-4 hours of sleep a night. I'd love to sleep more and would probably be nice for a change but not a major big deal and I am used to it anyhow for the most part anymore.
I am just wanting to complain because this stuff has been building up for a while now for me and I didn't bother saying anything untill now on any of this. And I'm not doing it for the attention nore the pitty. I just wanted to have somewhere to say stuff and just be done with it to get it all off my chest and say it the way I wanted to...
I try hard to keep most of my opinians to myself because on some things I know how they would hurt someones feelings and I prefure to not do that because I myself already know how it would feel/feels... Some people actually seem to not take to consideration myown feelings with what they say to me or their wording of things to me that actually do hurt my feelings not just a little in a way that I can brush it off after a few hours-few days but in a way that actually really hurts me and my feelings majorly. I never say anything about it and I don't treat them any different if I can help it even when I feel really hurt by their actions or words towards me Because I find it a little stupid to even bother holding it as a grudge against the person because it's really not worth it in many ways. Some don't consider that or think about it this way. And when I do say things under lowly or under my breath or ect then I do it intentionally for it to be herd if it is herd because if I have something to say that I don't want someone to hear I keep it to myself and actually don't say it at all.
There are times I know do stupid things but I still try to be a really good friend with who I will consider a actual friend and I do take up for them best I can when I can. I may not be the best person in the world but I do try best I am able to humanly possible on being good of a friend as I am able to be for someone. Because a true friend is very hard to come by especially now a days.
Yes I am majorly depressed and I have been for a good majority of my life which has been this bad since i was 19. I tend to hide this fact for tons of reasons and I do not like bothering people with that issue of mine if I can help it. I just end up letting it be and when certain things build up my stress level to max I just end up breaking down and end up crying and embarrass myself infront of whoever I am around at that time. I do not like doing that but it sometimes cannot be helped no matter what.
Usually sometimes when I bother someone be it talking to them, bothering them in some way (in a innocent light type of bothering way), wanting to go somewhere with them then usualy it is because I feel like shit and would like someones company because it tends to help make me feel better. I do not always want to do this and when I do i don't want to very much even then and am forcing myself to do such for different reasons. I do not like to ask for help and me doing any of these is my way of crying for help basically I guess you can say/call it. I hate to cry infront of people because it makes me feel weak and I don't ever think I am allowed to cry around soemone and am the one who has to be strong and there for everyone else instead when they cry or need to cry. When i do end up crying it makes me embarrassed and most of all it makes me feel like I am weak and I am not supposed to be this and should nto be crying or allowed to do such. I don't feel it is okay for me to be able to cry around someone ever or at all even if I really need to or really want to even if it is a good reason to cry I don't think I should or need to for the fact still of needing to be there for the others who are crying and need someone to be strong for them or in the situation at hand. So if I start to cry around someone of course I will try to hide it or walk away or ect because I don't want to be seen doing this and ect reasons above.
To be honest I may say something is okay but really it's not always true. I just prefure to hide when something bothers me when I sometimes am able to make it more so believable then others. Yes I am well awear of my size and weight. I'm not what is now considered skinny nore am I avarage size anymore. I am awear of that and I am also awear of how many like to point this out about me... This is also why I usualy prefure to hide in my clothing that tends to be 2-3 sizes way bigger then I can wear to be fitting on me. I have very low self esteem about myself from since as far back as I can recall from being put down especially by my, as I call him, Ex father until I turned 19 then I had my ex feance calling medifferent things a lot as well so those are main two who really made it hit me very hard on my self esteem issues more then when most people I don't even know call me things or who I bearly know because to me they do not know me or anything about me and are just saying shit freely as they please and if it really is what they think then it still dosen't matter because I have no connection with them to make it seem all that personal or anything else. That just shows how much of asshole fucktards they really are and some just better hope I never have to meet them or I may end up knocking the fuck outta them for insulting me when they do not even know me reguardless if they know or are friends with any of my friends because that is just a really stupid asshole move to make for no damn reason on someone they do not know that is friends with the person they know or a friend of theirs.. Just shows their major immiturity and then some as well..
Yes I like Japan and Japanese things and I really am trying to study Japanese.. But when people like to try to show off it to me or talk down to me about my knowlage of it or ect when I am trying to learn that is something I do take to heart because it is a form of putting me down if are doing it in a way that it can be taken or considered that. Especially when decide to point out how bad my Japanese is because I have had less time then some to be able to learn it. That is one of the things that do affect me because noone starts out wonderfully at doing it and were just as bad when they started themselves and are just being basically as most would call it a bully.. When people are like that to me it just makes me want to give up because I feel hurt and just loose intrest in it and feel I'll never do good in it and never learn and am just wasting my time trying. If anything it is nicer to just encourage me not shoot me down. Otherwise just keep your comments and mouth to yourself.
I haven't really gotten to see my boyfriend in months again. Last time was half a year. I miss him and it plays a good bit of a role on my esteem building in a way and other things. He actually is one of the only main ones who helps with my depression problems and a few other things. I really do miss him a lot but I also am very well awear of his job and how it does take up a majority of his time and is not able to always be here for me or to talk to me. Even if I wish he would talk to me when I really am in need of him I cannot do much about it and I am awear and undersand it. One of the other things he helps is when I am scared of something (and it has to be something that majorly scares me) he always helps make me feel better and not nearly as afraid at that point and time of whatever has me scared, He comforts me when I need it when I am able to talk to him and it alwasy makes me feel better. Thanks to shit that I had to go through a few years ago a lot of things he works so hard to help build back up with me and then some dropped back down so dtrastically and past the point of when I met him that it isn't even funny and for me to try to fix it all back up alone is not working out as well as I was to hope.
And I try realy hard even if it doesn't show. Noone can see that or can understand but the person who is going through things and is the one trying to fix things on their own because everyone functions differently and no one can do things the same as the other reguardless of what one person things who can fix their own problems the way they did doesn't mean that it is that easy or would work for another person.
I am a very easy going and tend to be a very understanding person. I don't always answer or say something when I do listen to others complain or rant or ect to me because I just prefure to listen instead and sometimes I do not always have an answer to what the person is saying to me but I am at least listening to their problems they come to me with no matter what it is about because it's at least nice that someone will listen to your problems when you have em reguardless what they are about even if they do not answer you in any way. It at least is showing that they care enough to listen to what you have to say and giving you their full attention with sitting and watching and listening to what you are saying and not messing with anything as you talk being a computer or phone or reading a book , watching a movie or playing a game or ect. pausing with doing any of those things and just sitting and listening to you shows they are giving full attention and at least care enough to see what you have to say. Only time I usualy am doing any of the above things is becasue i need to tell people I am going to help a friend and brb or have to pause my game or find a spot i can pause at on what i'm reading, wathcing ect especially if it is one of the important things someone comes to me about is when I will do that type of stuff I guess is what I mean.
I may not complain and I may work good few hours over 2-3 hours usually but that is because I was raised to where I am used to manual laybor even if my body does hurt really bad during working 4- + hour shifts. It's not because I am able to handle it.. it is because I am used to having to deal with a lot of pain that I have body wise every day and working wise that I just do it unless it is so bad that I am not able to stand or walk with out crying and I don't do this very often if I can help it. One of my pain problems with my body is my hip sockets which is not anything that is even fixable and never was and is something I was born with and the issues I have with them will only just get worse with my age reguardless what I do. Even if to you it doesn't seem like I have any major issues with pain or illnesses of any sort doesn't mean it's true. You are not in my body so you do not know the full exstent of pain I deal with daily or anything else. I have chronic broncitous which is only a weaker form of asthma but I haven't been able to get or afford a new inhalor for a while now. So I do tend to have issues with my breathing and when I seem to be in dryer air it affects it more then when I still lived in the south where the air was more humid and made easier a bit for me to breath. So I may not seem like I'm having issues breathing around someone but I sometimes am but try not to make it obvious I am having the problems. Because when seems I do people think I am being over dramatic when I really cannot breath or am just starting to have the problem where breathing feels very shallow for me and it is hard. I have very bad insomnia so I am lucky if i get more then 2-4 hours of sleep a night. I'd love to sleep more and would probably be nice for a change but not a major big deal and I am used to it anyhow for the most part anymore.
I am just wanting to complain because this stuff has been building up for a while now for me and I didn't bother saying anything untill now on any of this. And I'm not doing it for the attention nore the pitty. I just wanted to have somewhere to say stuff and just be done with it to get it all off my chest and say it the way I wanted to...