WHY SO FAIL, SMEYER?
LOL. Yeah. Pretty much an epic fail. If it wasn't nauseatingly fluffy (and you all know by now how I feel about fluff), then it was horrendously, disgustingly gory (I'm thinking about Nessie's "birth," specifically, though Bella drinking blood out of a sippy cup whilst still human really freaked the shit out of me).
This book could have been a lot LESS FAIL if Nessie never existed. Bella wouldn't have gone psycho - nor Rosalie - the Volturi wouldn't have bothered to show up, Bella might not actually have become a vampire, and Jacob wouldn't have imprinted on the stupid Satanic Spawn. Jacob, then, could have ended up with Leah.
Notice how I'm not complaining about the lack of J/B. Yeah. Weird, isn't it? But I finally came to terms with E/B while reading this. Why? BELLA IS SO FUCKING AWFUL. I hated her by the end of Eclipse, sure, but that was nothing compared to my loathing of her once I finished with the first chapter of Breaking Dawn, even. And then when she got "pregnant." When she was fondling that evil alien baby-bump, I literally almost threw up. And then after she and Edward had sex, and she had all those bruies all over her? And she acted like it was NO BIG DEAL? UM. HELLO. THIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT NORMAL. But mommy!Bella freaks me out more than horny!Bella. Seriously.
But I'm not going to get into how this "happy ending" pretty much goes against any normal human's basic principles - THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF A FUCKING FAIRY TALE??? - and how it generally goes against Bella's principles, too, once you think about it. Seriously. I could be ranting for hours, and that's just tl;dr waiting to happen.
And I guess I won't go into a rant about imprinting, either, and how the idea of it makes me almost as sick as Nessie does. (I mean seriously, WHAT THE HELL? It can destroy an already-"perfect" life [Sam/Leah], and it basically takes away your own free will, essentially trapping you and brainwashing you into a mindset that isn't your own. And that kind of doting upon a person is, I personally think, disgusting. That makes all the imprinting werewolves like Edward Cullen, when the point is to provide a contrast between the two - isn't it? To juxtapose one supernatural way of life with another? Also, Quil/Claire was already a huge squick, but Jake/Nessie was just taking it too far. The fundamentals of JACOB just completely changed when he imprinted, making him this sappy, maternal-instincts-like-woah, person. THIS IS NOT JACOB. We already know what Jacob is like when he's completely and utterly in love with a person, and this is why J/B always won so hard. Honestly, the Cullens should have just packed up and left, and so there wouldn't be a need for werewolves anymore, thus they wouldn't phase anymore, imprinting wouldn't exist - and can you imagine people like Jared and Quil getting over their imprinting? It'd be like coming out of a daze, or something, and they'd be like, what the hell am I doing? [Though Sam/Emily would keep intact, I think.] Then Jacob could lead the normal life he deserves [and end up with Leah], not slobber after some mutant freak that will only serve to fuck up his life once she stops aging. And it also pisses me off that these boys are so YOUNG when they imprint. Maybe it's because SMeyer is Mormon, maybe it's not, I don't know - the specifics of that faith escape me, and I frankly have no interest in them, sorry, but it seems to me that it entails getting settled really early on. I mean, you're not supposed to have your life all set for you when you're a teenager - and if you do, that's great, you're lucky, I guess. If everybody had their lives set in stone before they were eighteen, we'd all be pretty much fucked, because teenagers aren't known for their rationality. PLUS, when you're that young, you're supposed to be out living your life; live a little, then settle. Some of those boys might never have gotten married, if not for imprinting. And while I believe in marriage, I also strongly believe that it isn't for everyone, regardless of whether or not you've found your "soul mate".)
...I went into a rant, didn't I?
But... Good things, good things...
Okay. Good thing #1: Emmett. He actually got some screen time for once, which made me very happy, indeed, because he's my favorite Cullen.
Good thing #2: Garrett. Garrett kind of owned my soul in the last few chapters. KATE/GARRETT FTMFW. Seriously, that's like the only romantic development that SMeyer's ever done right.
Good thing #3 (which should be number one, fo sho): JACOB'S POV! Seriously, he is such a teenaged BOY, I love him so hard. The chapter titles are epic.
And now I'm out of good things.
My verdict, essentially? I'm glad I found a copy on the internet to read for free. Because this series was a trilogy, and I'm not going to waste my money Breaking Dawn - what is this alleged fourth book of which you speak? *shifty eyes*