Cheat day.
Augh! 1600 calories or so. Probably more, actually, because I ate some of the dough and not just the cookies. Steve stopped me from eating until I was completely nauseous but it was still a pretty gross binge. I did try to slow down and enjoy the food, though, since I might as well. And I did eat a Boca burger before starting in on the cookies so I wouldn't be jumping into a pile of sweets totally starved. It only kind of helped. I still had that feeling that I always have whenever I eat something "bad" - that it's never going to be enough. That I can eat and eat until I explode and I won't feel full. I won't enjoy the food because it's a frantic need for some kind of full that my stomach doesn't know how to feel. I guess that's emotional eating? I eat that way all the time though, whether I'm "emotional" or not at the time.
AND I didn't even exercise at all today. In fact, I didn't even leave the house. Not that I got much studying done. Mostly watched Star Trek all day again. I feel like if I don't get an A then there's no point, and there's not much chance I'll get an A, so the whole thing is already a failure. Makes it hard to muster motivation. Same thing with exercise. Part of me keeps thinking about working out, but another part knows I'll always be fatter than I want to be and there's no point in even trying. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing and think nothing, until one day when I will wake up skinny and the sun will be shining and my past will be erased. Every bad grade, every confusing breakup, every embarrassing blunder, will hang off me and fall to the ground, like big clothes on a skinny frame.
I'm such a teenager when I don't censor myself. I feel so much better though, admitting how fucking self-obsessed and self-hating and overwhelmed and stuck I've been feeling for the past 12 years.
AND I didn't even exercise at all today. In fact, I didn't even leave the house. Not that I got much studying done. Mostly watched Star Trek all day again. I feel like if I don't get an A then there's no point, and there's not much chance I'll get an A, so the whole thing is already a failure. Makes it hard to muster motivation. Same thing with exercise. Part of me keeps thinking about working out, but another part knows I'll always be fatter than I want to be and there's no point in even trying. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing and think nothing, until one day when I will wake up skinny and the sun will be shining and my past will be erased. Every bad grade, every confusing breakup, every embarrassing blunder, will hang off me and fall to the ground, like big clothes on a skinny frame.
I'm such a teenager when I don't censor myself. I feel so much better though, admitting how fucking self-obsessed and self-hating and overwhelmed and stuck I've been feeling for the past 12 years.