So Many Sheep I Quit Counting, Sleepless And Embaressed By The Way That I Feel
....I see now why it's so annoying when he can't sleep.
Spitfire, I think I may to decline you on your offer, I think we're going to stay in for the evening. Thank you, though.
[Private]
...I can't help but feel awkward. I wanted to get him a birthday present, or at least a card....and nothing. I just...couldn't. I couldn't find anything that seemed okay, and I guess it's probably too soon anyways, but I can't help but feel bad. I've known him my whole life, and this is the first year I've ever not given him something for his birthday. Ever. In all those years, I've never done this before. But I guess it makes sense....but it sucks. Not only did I loose someone I was in love with, but one of the best friendships I've had in my life as well. This sucks. It just...I hate not knowing how to handle things. It feels like there should be an easy fix.
I guess the problem is part of me is still very hurt and angry over what happened. How he could leave and go back to Japan without even a word to me. And yet...deep down, even though he did a bad thing, I can't see him as a bad person. Because he's not. I think it would be easier if he was. I think in some ways it would be easier, if I could. Because then I wouldn't care whether we'll ever be able to be friends again or not.
And now Schuldich seems to be trying to go after him again and I just...feel really uncomfortable about it. I mean, Schuldich is a fun guy to joke around with and all, but that doesn't mean I trust him. And the last thing Hatori probably needs right now is someone trying to get in his pants.
And then...I think Hokuto has been awkward since I told him about things. He can't really have that much paperwork, can he? I can't blame him though. It was alot of information at once, and maybe i didn't have a right to tell him anything about it, but it seemed wrong to lie. He was obviously worried. I just...I don't want to loose him.
The more and more I think about it, I realize that the relationship I'm in now is very different then the one I was in before, and this is probably good. And in alot of ways...things are much easier this time around. I don't feel like I'm pushing my emotions on him, which is something I always felt like I was doing with Hatori, at least in the beginning. And I know I probably shouldn't compare them so much in my head, it can't be healthy, but I can't help it.
I'm happier then I've been in a long time though...and I think even though I have lingering feelings for Hatori, I don't want to risk that. I don't. I know I haven't really known Hokuto that long, my feelings with him grow stronger every day. I just felt so peaceful when we took that bath together, it was nice.
[/private]
Spitfire, I think I may to decline you on your offer, I think we're going to stay in for the evening. Thank you, though.
[Private]
...I can't help but feel awkward. I wanted to get him a birthday present, or at least a card....and nothing. I just...couldn't. I couldn't find anything that seemed okay, and I guess it's probably too soon anyways, but I can't help but feel bad. I've known him my whole life, and this is the first year I've ever not given him something for his birthday. Ever. In all those years, I've never done this before. But I guess it makes sense....but it sucks. Not only did I loose someone I was in love with, but one of the best friendships I've had in my life as well. This sucks. It just...I hate not knowing how to handle things. It feels like there should be an easy fix.
I guess the problem is part of me is still very hurt and angry over what happened. How he could leave and go back to Japan without even a word to me. And yet...deep down, even though he did a bad thing, I can't see him as a bad person. Because he's not. I think it would be easier if he was. I think in some ways it would be easier, if I could. Because then I wouldn't care whether we'll ever be able to be friends again or not.
And now Schuldich seems to be trying to go after him again and I just...feel really uncomfortable about it. I mean, Schuldich is a fun guy to joke around with and all, but that doesn't mean I trust him. And the last thing Hatori probably needs right now is someone trying to get in his pants.
And then...I think Hokuto has been awkward since I told him about things. He can't really have that much paperwork, can he? I can't blame him though. It was alot of information at once, and maybe i didn't have a right to tell him anything about it, but it seemed wrong to lie. He was obviously worried. I just...I don't want to loose him.
The more and more I think about it, I realize that the relationship I'm in now is very different then the one I was in before, and this is probably good. And in alot of ways...things are much easier this time around. I don't feel like I'm pushing my emotions on him, which is something I always felt like I was doing with Hatori, at least in the beginning. And I know I probably shouldn't compare them so much in my head, it can't be healthy, but I can't help it.
I'm happier then I've been in a long time though...and I think even though I have lingering feelings for Hatori, I don't want to risk that. I don't. I know I haven't really known Hokuto that long, my feelings with him grow stronger every day. I just felt so peaceful when we took that bath together, it was nice.
[/private]