Lost
I'm not sure where I would be right now without pharmaceuticals. Pretty sure I'd be freaking out and sobbing hysterically. Definitely in lots of pain - physically. And who knows what kind of illness I'd be riddled with.
At the same time, I'm pretty sure they are turning me into something of a zombie. Not quite human anymore. I take recreational drugs so that I can escape what has become of my life. Really the only time I feel pleasure is when I escape reality altogether. It makes me really happy to go to another world and not really be in my own anymore.
I'm trying very hard to cope with my real problems -- my body is falling apart; I have no money, quite literally; my schooling is hanging by a thread, and just barely; and I have very few prospects for the future. I would be terrified if the pharmaceuticals would allow me to be, but thankfully I'm somewhat numb most of the time.
I've been trying to take things one at a time, for instance, trying to just get my prelim done at school, but things are piling up higher and higher and higher. I keep having things that need to get done right away, and there's no time to do them.
Appeals, appeals, appeals. I'm so exhausted by administrative paperwork. 2 appeals to stay in school that had to be submitted multiple times; 1 appeal for financial aid; 2 appeals for social security so far, both denied, and a 3rd one I have to start soon; and another medical appeal to start to get the procedure I need to keep my joints in place.
I feel as though my new modified life now that I'm disabled takes 10x the work that it took when I was healthy, and not just because I'm sick and exhausted, but really it just takes more work. Tons and tons of paperwork. It's so hard not to just give up sometimes. I really want to.
I keep thinking things will turn around. Hoping. But I feel like I'm sinking again. I really thought things would go well. I thought my insurance would come through. I thought I'd get my financial aid. I thought I'd get my social security. I thought life would be good. So confident I was that I made bad decisions...
I decided to get my teeth fixed. $5000. Borrowed from a 12 month plan that I have to start paying next month. And my rent, which is equivalent to my paycheck. And still no financial aid.... I have $20 in my checking right now. I've had people say, "That's what family is for" or "Why don't you just ask your parents?" I wish it was pride that kept me from borrowing money from them. I called and asked my mom for money. I thought with how desperate things had gotten for me... to the point that I do not have money for food... that she might be able to send some. She said, "Your Dad is being forced to take furlough days this year, so now we don't even have enough for our mortgage."
How did I get here?
At the same time, I'm pretty sure they are turning me into something of a zombie. Not quite human anymore. I take recreational drugs so that I can escape what has become of my life. Really the only time I feel pleasure is when I escape reality altogether. It makes me really happy to go to another world and not really be in my own anymore.
I'm trying very hard to cope with my real problems -- my body is falling apart; I have no money, quite literally; my schooling is hanging by a thread, and just barely; and I have very few prospects for the future. I would be terrified if the pharmaceuticals would allow me to be, but thankfully I'm somewhat numb most of the time.
I've been trying to take things one at a time, for instance, trying to just get my prelim done at school, but things are piling up higher and higher and higher. I keep having things that need to get done right away, and there's no time to do them.
Appeals, appeals, appeals. I'm so exhausted by administrative paperwork. 2 appeals to stay in school that had to be submitted multiple times; 1 appeal for financial aid; 2 appeals for social security so far, both denied, and a 3rd one I have to start soon; and another medical appeal to start to get the procedure I need to keep my joints in place.
I feel as though my new modified life now that I'm disabled takes 10x the work that it took when I was healthy, and not just because I'm sick and exhausted, but really it just takes more work. Tons and tons of paperwork. It's so hard not to just give up sometimes. I really want to.
I keep thinking things will turn around. Hoping. But I feel like I'm sinking again. I really thought things would go well. I thought my insurance would come through. I thought I'd get my financial aid. I thought I'd get my social security. I thought life would be good. So confident I was that I made bad decisions...
I decided to get my teeth fixed. $5000. Borrowed from a 12 month plan that I have to start paying next month. And my rent, which is equivalent to my paycheck. And still no financial aid.... I have $20 in my checking right now. I've had people say, "That's what family is for" or "Why don't you just ask your parents?" I wish it was pride that kept me from borrowing money from them. I called and asked my mom for money. I thought with how desperate things had gotten for me... to the point that I do not have money for food... that she might be able to send some. She said, "Your Dad is being forced to take furlough days this year, so now we don't even have enough for our mortgage."
How did I get here?