The first step...
is admitting you have a problem.
I'm addicted.
There's no way to deny it now.
I stopped for 2 days.
I got really sick.
I cut back to vicodin for a week.
I fell.
I went back on oxy again. Not fully, but some again, which is more than I want to be on.
But I'm watching this show about addicts. And they aren't saying this, but I'm watching them... and it occurs to me as these people are flying off the handle at every little moment and falling off the wagon... so to speak....
I think this is what addiction really is at my level, for me, at least how I'm projecting it:
It is being at this point where I look for any excuse. Any excuse.
I fell. I'm in extra pain today. I'll cut back tomorrow. Today was rough.
On the TV I'm watching and thinking... they had a fight, they get stressed out, someone talks trash, they're at a party and handle it... any little petty thing and they start using again...
But I'm no different...
My body is on eggshells...
I'd have to lie around in pillowy clouds of rainbows and magic and flowers all day, and maybe I'd still find an excuse if a butterfly flapped its wings the wrong way....
When I stop making excuses for myself... only then I'll truly beat this.
I'm addicted.
There's no way to deny it now.
I stopped for 2 days.
I got really sick.
I cut back to vicodin for a week.
I fell.
I went back on oxy again. Not fully, but some again, which is more than I want to be on.
But I'm watching this show about addicts. And they aren't saying this, but I'm watching them... and it occurs to me as these people are flying off the handle at every little moment and falling off the wagon... so to speak....
I think this is what addiction really is at my level, for me, at least how I'm projecting it:
It is being at this point where I look for any excuse. Any excuse.
I fell. I'm in extra pain today. I'll cut back tomorrow. Today was rough.
On the TV I'm watching and thinking... they had a fight, they get stressed out, someone talks trash, they're at a party and handle it... any little petty thing and they start using again...
But I'm no different...
My body is on eggshells...
I'd have to lie around in pillowy clouds of rainbows and magic and flowers all day, and maybe I'd still find an excuse if a butterfly flapped its wings the wrong way....
When I stop making excuses for myself... only then I'll truly beat this.