before it explodes {3/4}; kai/taemin | kai/luhan; PG-13
kai doesn't understand why sehun refuses to talk to him over the next four days. it frustrates him that the coordination between them during their dances are constantly broken. sehun clearly shows discomfort whenever they are left alone. weren't they just fine recently?
"jongin!" taemin chirps, arms linking with kai's and throwing him off balance.
"ugh-"
kai has half a thought to shove him into a wall, but that smile. he could never get the heart to be so rough with taemin. he ends up with a giddy taemin on him, limbs entangled on the floor.
"what are you doing here?"
"i missed you," taemin buries his head into the crook of kai's neck, "you left for china and didn't pick any of my calls."
"i couldn't get connection." kai lies.
"ah." taemin only drags his hand along kai's torso, enlacing their fingers, "i missed you so much."
"i've missed you too."
whatever happened was in a blur with all the blabbering taemin was doing about the entire three days when kai wasn't around. he just couldn't find the energy to entertain him. he was tired; physically and mentally tired. tired of listening to taemin talk. there was this strange urge bubbling in him to find luhan to talk to. just about anything. just listen to luhan talk about how he wasn't able to adapt to korea fully, or how he misses the green bean cakes back in beijing. just listen to luhan. just, luhan.
kai was a little sorry for what he'd done to luhan the other day in the practice room. thinking back, he realizes it was a pretty stupid thing to do. luhan probably doesn't think much of it either, come on, he's four years older than kai himself. nonetheless, he manages to find the time when both units are on their off.
he hesitates a little before knocking the door in soft, tiny repetitions.
the door swings open swiftly, revealing a rather miffed sehun.
"sehun?"
sehun does a double take, eyes widening and quickly stepping out of the dorm. "hyung? what are you doing here?" he whispers, obviously flustered.
"i'd ask you the same thing. what are you doing here? what's going on inside?"
kai had his hands on the doorknob before sehun hurriedly slapped them off.
"don't."
all kai could hear were shouting, glass breaking and just basically shouting in mandarin in general.
"hyung, get away quick."
"but why? what's going on, sehun?"
sehun fidgets.
"fucking tell me what's going on in there!"
leave me alone!
"what was that?" kai freezes, "that was luhan, wasn't it?"
"hyung, just please, go away." sehun bites down on his lips.
no way in hell was kai going to leave now that he'd heard what was going on. pushing sehun aside (since he was absolutely unwilling to tell him anything), he barged in and saw the most heartbreaking scene of his life.
luhan huddled in a corner, arms tightly wrapped around himself and tears that couldn't stop falling.
"none of you are any good, none of you!" luhan shouted, eyes tightly shut.
kai was stuck for words. try as hard as he might, but nothing just comes to mind. what should he say? oh, you alright? yeah, sure, captain obvious. his heart couldn't help but beat a little faster and his brain felt as though it was about to explode. his palms and feet were sweaty, he just couldn't feel anything.
"luhan..." kai found himself murmuring.
it was loud enough for luhan to hear it though. his eyes flew open, arms further tightened themselves around himself, and was sinking himself deeper into the corner, as though wanting the walls to devour him on the spot.
"no, no, nonononono! you shouldn't be here. you... leave!"
"luhan, what's wrong?" kai took a step forward, attempting bravery.
"don't come near me!"
luhan grabbed the nearest thing he could grab and threw it against kai. it was a chipped crystal ashtray that their manager used. who would've knew luhan was great at target throwing; hitting kai right on the left side of his head.
"luhan, stop it!" sehun stepped forward, holding onto luhan, "jongdae, bring kai and leave right away!" all formalities were dropped during the struggle.
"don't come near me! let me go!" luhan kept screaming, "stop it! i don't want this!" it sounded like a chant.
"luhan," kai uttered, his hand pressed against his bleeding forehead, "luhan, what's wrong? tell me! wait, jongdae, i need to talk to luhan!"
everything else happened so quickly, but all kai knew next was he had been admitted into the hospital. he had to be checked for any internal clogging but either way it was redundant. he'd begged chen to not inform taemin. the last thing he had wanted was for taemin to go apeshit crazy and unable to stop talking.
"fill me in, please?" kai hissed a little with the stinging sensation of the disinfectant applied on raw wound.
chen hesitated. he fidgeted and eyes were looking all around the room with white walls. it suddenly felt so confining.
"i don't really know either. he has been acting weird since sehun brought him back. he was unconscious then. earlier on today, luhan was sleeping and yixing went to wake him up. it started from there. he was throwing things around, screaming and didn't want anyone near him. we had to call sehun -- we didn't know what to do! and-and he came, and luhan was about to calm down when you came and his reaction got worse. i don't know what to do, jongin... there's usually no language barrier between us but he just wouldn't stop speaking in mandarin ever since the day he was found unconscious... i think his hands were stepped on, i don't know? what do i do, jongin? how- i don't know anymore." chen rambled.
"jongdae..."
"and he wouldn't stop crying! he seems fine during our showcases and during practice but when he gets back to the dorm, all he does is cocoon himself in his blankets and cries. it has been like this for a week! a fucking week, kai! i should've guessed what was coming when he came back crying a month ago. fuck, why is this happening to us?"
"a month ago?"
all chen does is nod.
"i need a breather." and he leaves the stifling room.
so fucked.
taemin freaks out over the fact that kai has a bandage all over his head. and of course, kai was absolutely right on taemin being really annoying.
"i knew it, it was luhan, that bitch." taemin mumbles, "are you very sure you're okay, jongin? i mean, does it still hurt? why did they let you leave the hospital? what if there's some tumor or something?"
"it's nothing much. and what did you mean by you knew it was luhan?"
"ugh, he's doing this just because he couldn't get you. i've already warned him a couple weeks ago but why in the world is he so persistent? maybe i should've just kicked him right in the face then."
mother fucking god.
kai could feel his blood boiling; he was literally shaking with anger. was this how murder cases usually start off? god fucking damnit, god fucking- whatever the fucking eternal condemnation was but he just wanted to know -- what did luhan do to deserve this? there were so many things kai had wanted to say, but all he could mutter out was: "why?"
"why?" taemin's face scrunched up in confusion, "what do you mean by why? he was trying to steal you away from me!"
"what?"
"oh come on, did you honestly think I wouldn't catch on that the both of you mindlessly fucked in the practice room?"
wow.
just... wow.
he had to get away. he had to get away before he did something bad.
kai stood up, feet automatically dragging himself to the door. he hadn't bother to reply or do what society norms deemed he should do -- oh, maybe punch taemin in the fucking guts, step on his fucking gorgeous face and then shout a quick 'bye', add in a fucking hand wave and finally leave the room?
yeah, sure.
haha.
he could hear taemin shouting. vaguely along the words of, 'leave', 'breaking up', 'mother fucker' and 'whore'.
he walked along the corridors, there were so many memories flooding each and every crevice of the building. like there was this once where luhan had his hair done by a stylist just because he looked cute, and the rest of exo wouldn't stop teasing him. kai did most of the teasing. luhan had chased him out of the cramp practice room and wouldn't let him in for the next four hours. he came out at the end; looking guilty and didn't dare to look at kai in the eyes. the first thing he had done was to give kai a hug. 'i'm so sorry, jongin,' he whispered along.
kai laughs. he laughs and laughs till he finds tears slowly falling off his eyes. he laughs till he has to find the nearest wall and lean against it. he laughs till he breaks down and cries. he has his fists against the wall, so hard, in a repetitive motion that his fists are reddening. but he doesn't know.
all kai sees behind his closed eyes was luhan's eyes. they met. luhan's eyes turned bloodshot red; fear and anger so very evident.
"i hate you," kai hears him whisper, "you killed my heart..."
kai couldn't differentiate reality anymore. everything felt so surreal. he felt as though he was floating. maybe he was. he wipes his eyes. everything was so red and white and blue and black and red and red and red.
"luhan, calm down!" sehun shouts amongst all the other commotion.
"it's just a dream!"
"no sehun, no! he was there!" luhan was this close to begging.
hsiaotze was there. why couldn't anyone understand? hsiaotze was there, and he wanted to haunt him. as all according to his parents back in china, hsiaotze was devastated with luhan's decision to leave; he didn't even bade him a farewell before his flight to korea.
deep in his mind, luhan told him to wait.
deep in his heart, he already knows that would be luhan's final flight.
deep in his soul, he was unwilling to understand.
barely making it to four years, luhan had gotten the notice that hsiaotze had boarded his own flight. the flight to death. apparently, he had already taken his own life just a month after luhan leaving, but no one had the heart to tell him.
"why?" luhan slams himself against sehun, "why, sehun, why?" he cries against the crook of his chest.
just the boy who played with him, and now the man who loved him with his whole heart.
"it's not your fault." sehun whispers.
"you always say it's not my fault! is that all you can say?" luhan pushes sehun off the edge of the bed.
luhan was tired of being comforted when it was so obvious it was all his fucking fault. did everyone forget he was the eldest of the entire fucking exo? was it his fault that he needed some sort of psychological relief after 4 years of being a fucking jolly bastard? couldn't he just be that jerk who hated everyone and vice versa?
he dies a little more on the inside when he hears the sound of taemin at their doorstep. he then hears kris trying to logically explain what's going on, but of course, taemin doesn't listen. it was so much for him to take. what was happening? at one moment, they were the happy we are one, we are exo!, and the next moment they were falling apart like unglued jigsaw puzzles.
the next thing he hears was kai's voice -- so raw, so angry, so much red in his tone that it makes his stomach turn. he swore his heart had broken so loudly that sehun could hear it.
his door opens, but he doesn't see who's coming in. he doesn't want to. luhan's tears are still flooding his eyes, his hair is a mess and he's pretty sure he's unable to speak anymore.
there's no logical explanation why luhan cries even more when kai tells sehun to leave the room and sehun does. his lower jaw trembles as he feels kai moving closer towards him.
"please don't," luhan scrambles back to the edge of the headboard, "i'll stay away from you, i promise."
kai sat on the bed.
maybe if i say it a couple more times, he'll listen. and luhan kept repeating. "please, kai, please, jongin. i'll stay away. i won't go anywhere near you again. i'll... please, please!" and repeating and repeating.
kai cries again when he hears the words. why was luhan affecting him that much? he has his hands gripped on luhan's bedsheet, with the latter still shaking his head and curled up against the headboard.
"I'm sorry," kai mutters.
"I'm so sorry," he cries out, "which country did i save in my past life to have met someone like you?" he whispers against his own hands, eyes still locked on the terrified man.
"please, stop it! luhan, you'll hurt yourself!" kai shouts when he sees luhan scratching himself hard on his arms.
it was an all-known reaction, but luhan screeches and struggles when kai touches him.
"no! kai! no! no! kai, please, no!"
sehun barges in, pulling kai away and going back to comfort luhan.
kai thinks he sees more red.
--
hello, sorry for this late update, but I've been rather dead lately. i was drawing.
what do you think of this? it's my first attempt on full-on feature drawing and coloring with watercolors only.
I usually only color with oil or dry pastels.
I was thinking it would've been better if i had watercolor tubes. I used watercolor pencils.
sorry for the big picture. once again, comments or critiques are not necessary but greatly appreciated.
also, i tried rushing this out for luhan's birthday... but somehow... it's not very auspicious...
either way, happy birthday, luhan :) i would've drawn you if I could, but i'm not too good at portrait drawing at all.