A real entry from late 2009
I reread my old journal today - it's very hard not to get annoyed at who I was when I was 20. A lot of what I wrote back then reads as so snotty & over-priviledged to me now. Maybe I am being too critical or maybe I am judging myself accurately. It'll take a few more years removed from that & from who I am now to really decide which one is accurate. I have to say, if my journal back then is a true reflection of what I was back then, I'm not surprised I have so few friends.
This is a simple example but it demonstrates the difference between me at 20 & me at almost 25 very well. I was scandalized when I first heard some 50-cent song "Just a lil bit" a few years ago - it had some lyric about someone taking their pants off a lil bit & I thought that was very inappropriate. Now though, I really just don't give it much thought. I've probably danced to that song in some club somewhere and had a good time doing it.
It isn't really aging that has brought so much change to me. Living in the Caribbean, away from parents and away from old parental expectations pretty much brought out the best and worst in my personality. I think I am on the road to learning how to just be honest, which is what I value over anything else. But on the other side, I have done things and seen things that I know my parents, religion and society wouldn't see as acceptable. I think at the end of the day, it is just me becoming a more mature human being & growing up to be who I am. Islam is still obviously a big part of me - but I am unfortunately not perfect and I was not perfect at 20 either.
If I really think about it, I don't do anything now that I did not do at 20 (a few exceptions here and there). For the most part though, the biggest difference is what I was willing to do behind closed doors at 20, I do in the open now. It is because I've realized that Allah will judge me for what I do no matter where I do it. No one else really has the right to judge me. & in that same token, I don't really bother judging anyone else either. Adults have the right to make their own choices and then deal with the consequences in front of Allah.
I don't doubt that in another few years, I'm going to look back at who I am now & be embarassed about the things I've seen & laughed about. I am not sure who reads this journal anymore so I am going to make private posts about some of the more illicit things I've seen recently (RE: Penlight story).
I guess the best I can really do is try to be as honest as possible with myself & everyone else around me. Cut out the BS & just be a real person. I've stopped considering myself a girl anymore. I am a woman and I take responsibilty for my own actions.
This is a simple example but it demonstrates the difference between me at 20 & me at almost 25 very well. I was scandalized when I first heard some 50-cent song "Just a lil bit" a few years ago - it had some lyric about someone taking their pants off a lil bit & I thought that was very inappropriate. Now though, I really just don't give it much thought. I've probably danced to that song in some club somewhere and had a good time doing it.
It isn't really aging that has brought so much change to me. Living in the Caribbean, away from parents and away from old parental expectations pretty much brought out the best and worst in my personality. I think I am on the road to learning how to just be honest, which is what I value over anything else. But on the other side, I have done things and seen things that I know my parents, religion and society wouldn't see as acceptable. I think at the end of the day, it is just me becoming a more mature human being & growing up to be who I am. Islam is still obviously a big part of me - but I am unfortunately not perfect and I was not perfect at 20 either.
If I really think about it, I don't do anything now that I did not do at 20 (a few exceptions here and there). For the most part though, the biggest difference is what I was willing to do behind closed doors at 20, I do in the open now. It is because I've realized that Allah will judge me for what I do no matter where I do it. No one else really has the right to judge me. & in that same token, I don't really bother judging anyone else either. Adults have the right to make their own choices and then deal with the consequences in front of Allah.
I don't doubt that in another few years, I'm going to look back at who I am now & be embarassed about the things I've seen & laughed about. I am not sure who reads this journal anymore so I am going to make private posts about some of the more illicit things I've seen recently (RE: Penlight story).
I guess the best I can really do is try to be as honest as possible with myself & everyone else around me. Cut out the BS & just be a real person. I've stopped considering myself a girl anymore. I am a woman and I take responsibilty for my own actions.