Isn't it ironic. . .
Well, I got a 91 on that anatomy test- 48/50 for the practical and 43/50 for the written. I have no idea how I did it. All of my random guesses were right. Everyone else in my lab group (including C, who's much better at anatomy than me and studied much harder) thinks they didn't do very well, so it would be fairly tasteless for me to talk about it. But I find it very. . . unsatisfying to do much better on a test than I thought I did.
I know, everybody says, that's a great problem to have, right? And it's definitely better than the alternative, which I've tried too: doing poorly on a test with no idea of why or how to fix it. But it feels dishonest somehow. It feels like I cheated, like I used some unfair gift of intuition or luck that other people don't have, and that has nothing to do with how well I understand the material or how well I'll be able to use it in life. It feels like I'm working the system instead of learning the material.
It's also hard for me to make people understand that I'm really not bragging about this. There's no ego in it. My uncanny ability to take tests and do much better on them than I have any right to do isn't anything I've done- it's not something I can be proud of. Like my intelligence, it's innate. It's like hair color, or height. Who would say "I'm really proud of how tall I am," and how silly would they sound? But we take it for granted that people take pride in their intellectual ability. I don't. I take pride in how hard I study and in how much I know- I've earned that. But I don't take pride in how smart I am, or in grades, like this one, that I don't feel reflect my actual knowledge. It's not something I can claim credit for; it's not something I can be proud about.
How messed up is this: I was satisfied walking out of that test thinking that I did poorly but understood the subject. Now I find out that I did really well, and I feel like I don't understand it that well at all. So I'm unhappy. Welcome to my life! :-)
I know, everybody says, that's a great problem to have, right? And it's definitely better than the alternative, which I've tried too: doing poorly on a test with no idea of why or how to fix it. But it feels dishonest somehow. It feels like I cheated, like I used some unfair gift of intuition or luck that other people don't have, and that has nothing to do with how well I understand the material or how well I'll be able to use it in life. It feels like I'm working the system instead of learning the material.
It's also hard for me to make people understand that I'm really not bragging about this. There's no ego in it. My uncanny ability to take tests and do much better on them than I have any right to do isn't anything I've done- it's not something I can be proud of. Like my intelligence, it's innate. It's like hair color, or height. Who would say "I'm really proud of how tall I am," and how silly would they sound? But we take it for granted that people take pride in their intellectual ability. I don't. I take pride in how hard I study and in how much I know- I've earned that. But I don't take pride in how smart I am, or in grades, like this one, that I don't feel reflect my actual knowledge. It's not something I can claim credit for; it's not something I can be proud about.
How messed up is this: I was satisfied walking out of that test thinking that I did poorly but understood the subject. Now I find out that I did really well, and I feel like I don't understand it that well at all. So I'm unhappy. Welcome to my life! :-)