(no subject)
Longest two days of my life.
Ok so not really, but pretty damn close, I'm suffering from some severe insomnia or something.
Long day at work/class/research assistant hours on Friday- though I must say I'm realizing my RA stuff is going to be a lot better and a lot more fun than I had originally expected. I'm finishing their tasks very efficiently and quickly, so hopefully before long I'll get more complex and integrative tasks. My two MWF classes are incredible too, I actually LOVE going to both of them. My educational psych class is sooo easy, but the grad student teaching it is doing an awesome job at keeping the class' attention which is always nice. Plus my Religions of India class has renewed my love of South East Asia, so that's always fun.
Got to have a big looooong talk with Nick the other night, which was nice because between all the stuff I had last week there was no time to talk to the people physically in my life let along halfway across the country. I always forget how much I miss him until we get to talk and then it just hits me. Not even really in a romantic way necessarily, but primarily in the very soul-bare-all type way we communicate. I miss having someone who can really discus with me so many different facets of life. Of course the ability to really get under my skin can be bad too- he has the ability to royally piss me off more than most, but i guess it goes hand in hand.
I do miss him in the 'dating' sense though I've long since come to terms with the fact that its not going to happen right now, if not ever, but more than that I miss the companionship we gave each other. Its so strange to be constantly surrounded by people yet feel so isolated. I feel as if there is a huge part of myself I keep hidden from others because I know they won't understand (known from experience of course). When I start to hint to so many people in my life that the very nature of my inner dialouge transcends the common shallow dribble that most collegiates seem set on focusing on I can sense that I start pushing people to an area where they are uncomfortable, and thus they pull away. Friendships... or 'friendships' as the term might be more adequately utilized, are easier when you don't poke or prod... and just let them happen.
I miss having someone who isn't afraid of poking and prodding.
However... that being said, a very dear friend of mine has felt the need to sort of... 'nudge' me into the general vicinity of her roommate. And i'm not going to lie, he's incredibly attractive, very outgoing, according to this friend (who is unbelievably overprotective of me and hated Batson from the first moment she met him so I think I can trust her judgment, haha) the guy is incredibly sweet, and caring and would treat me correctly... though she is not entirely sure he's 'worthy of me', but 'then again Bethany I don't think I'm ever going tothink any guy is good enough for you'.
I am so wearied of people feeling.. 'concerned' for my romantic status. I have no less than three guys that are being pushed my way... and it makes me wonder why. Do I really come off as so needy that I need to have someone in my life? Do people think that in order to be happy I'm going to need a guy? Do I really project this intense desire for a relationship?! Because there isn't one. If the right guy came along it would be a discussion but I'm so sick of the 'search for intimacy' as Erikson would describe it. I want to be ok with myself.. on my own, and truth be told I've accepted a lot of things about myself in the recent past that I don't think I can share with anyone else...things that make me hesitant to even attempt pursuing something because deep down I don't think I have it in me to make anything work right now.
And for the record (not that the person this is directed at even knows this blog exists)- there is NOTHING WRONG with the fact that I have a nurturing soul.
Yes. I get shit upon on a regular basis. Yes. I put up with things that other persons would never dream of sinking down to deal with. YES. I find a sense of peace and pleasure in alleviating other's inner struggles even if means taking on additional discomfort.
BUT
That does not make a screwed up person. That does not make me some sick bitch who gets off on others problems. That does not make me fundamentally flawed.
Just because most people aren't set up to deal with that kind of shit doesn't mean there is something wrong with me because I want to deal with it. I can deal with pain, I'm not afraid of it, and someone has to deal with it.
I'm ok with being hurt because i can work through it, I've proven that, and sometimes there is a greater good that needs to be worked towards.
I feel so... complete, when I'm helping others. That doesn't make me any less of a focused and self-appreciating individual. When I see someone in pain, inner turmoil, who simply needs someone to give them a hug, listen to their story, and tell them they aren't alone, I feel this sense of satisfaction that i am doing what i was meant to do.
So don't look at me weird when I volunteer to stay sober and provide mental and emotional support to the 'drunk sitter'.
Don't tell me I'm being ridiculous when I say helping chronically and terminally ill children in the hospital, while sad, is the most uplifting action I've ever taken.
Don't give me a speech on taking care of myself when I'm willing to help a puking drunk girl to the car so she can get home.
I feel lost and alone when I'm not helping others. I feel, incomplete, when I'm focusing soley on myself. I was interally hardwired to help others, so let me be me and don't try to change me.
Wow this post was definently not intended to take that turn but sometimes cathartic writing is what i need.
I guess I can do my intended post tomorrow, night all!
Ok so not really, but pretty damn close, I'm suffering from some severe insomnia or something.
Long day at work/class/research assistant hours on Friday- though I must say I'm realizing my RA stuff is going to be a lot better and a lot more fun than I had originally expected. I'm finishing their tasks very efficiently and quickly, so hopefully before long I'll get more complex and integrative tasks. My two MWF classes are incredible too, I actually LOVE going to both of them. My educational psych class is sooo easy, but the grad student teaching it is doing an awesome job at keeping the class' attention which is always nice. Plus my Religions of India class has renewed my love of South East Asia, so that's always fun.
Got to have a big looooong talk with Nick the other night, which was nice because between all the stuff I had last week there was no time to talk to the people physically in my life let along halfway across the country. I always forget how much I miss him until we get to talk and then it just hits me. Not even really in a romantic way necessarily, but primarily in the very soul-bare-all type way we communicate. I miss having someone who can really discus with me so many different facets of life. Of course the ability to really get under my skin can be bad too- he has the ability to royally piss me off more than most, but i guess it goes hand in hand.
I do miss him in the 'dating' sense though I've long since come to terms with the fact that its not going to happen right now, if not ever, but more than that I miss the companionship we gave each other. Its so strange to be constantly surrounded by people yet feel so isolated. I feel as if there is a huge part of myself I keep hidden from others because I know they won't understand (known from experience of course). When I start to hint to so many people in my life that the very nature of my inner dialouge transcends the common shallow dribble that most collegiates seem set on focusing on I can sense that I start pushing people to an area where they are uncomfortable, and thus they pull away. Friendships... or 'friendships' as the term might be more adequately utilized, are easier when you don't poke or prod... and just let them happen.
I miss having someone who isn't afraid of poking and prodding.
However... that being said, a very dear friend of mine has felt the need to sort of... 'nudge' me into the general vicinity of her roommate. And i'm not going to lie, he's incredibly attractive, very outgoing, according to this friend (who is unbelievably overprotective of me and hated Batson from the first moment she met him so I think I can trust her judgment, haha) the guy is incredibly sweet, and caring and would treat me correctly... though she is not entirely sure he's 'worthy of me', but 'then again Bethany I don't think I'm ever going tothink any guy is good enough for you'.
I am so wearied of people feeling.. 'concerned' for my romantic status. I have no less than three guys that are being pushed my way... and it makes me wonder why. Do I really come off as so needy that I need to have someone in my life? Do people think that in order to be happy I'm going to need a guy? Do I really project this intense desire for a relationship?! Because there isn't one. If the right guy came along it would be a discussion but I'm so sick of the 'search for intimacy' as Erikson would describe it. I want to be ok with myself.. on my own, and truth be told I've accepted a lot of things about myself in the recent past that I don't think I can share with anyone else...things that make me hesitant to even attempt pursuing something because deep down I don't think I have it in me to make anything work right now.
And for the record (not that the person this is directed at even knows this blog exists)- there is NOTHING WRONG with the fact that I have a nurturing soul.
Yes. I get shit upon on a regular basis. Yes. I put up with things that other persons would never dream of sinking down to deal with. YES. I find a sense of peace and pleasure in alleviating other's inner struggles even if means taking on additional discomfort.
BUT
That does not make a screwed up person. That does not make me some sick bitch who gets off on others problems. That does not make me fundamentally flawed.
Just because most people aren't set up to deal with that kind of shit doesn't mean there is something wrong with me because I want to deal with it. I can deal with pain, I'm not afraid of it, and someone has to deal with it.
I'm ok with being hurt because i can work through it, I've proven that, and sometimes there is a greater good that needs to be worked towards.
I feel so... complete, when I'm helping others. That doesn't make me any less of a focused and self-appreciating individual. When I see someone in pain, inner turmoil, who simply needs someone to give them a hug, listen to their story, and tell them they aren't alone, I feel this sense of satisfaction that i am doing what i was meant to do.
So don't look at me weird when I volunteer to stay sober and provide mental and emotional support to the 'drunk sitter'.
Don't tell me I'm being ridiculous when I say helping chronically and terminally ill children in the hospital, while sad, is the most uplifting action I've ever taken.
Don't give me a speech on taking care of myself when I'm willing to help a puking drunk girl to the car so she can get home.
I feel lost and alone when I'm not helping others. I feel, incomplete, when I'm focusing soley on myself. I was interally hardwired to help others, so let me be me and don't try to change me.
Wow this post was definently not intended to take that turn but sometimes cathartic writing is what i need.
I guess I can do my intended post tomorrow, night all!