∴ carry 'im to 'is burying ground . . .
Bah, God damn it, emotions.
So. The phone rang today and it was the chick from the place holding my care title. I hadn't slept and wasn't in a fit state to talk to her so I listened to her message on the answering machine. After watching the Iron Giant Jeremy and I decided that we probably should call my house and see if dad was around.
So.
I spoke with my father and without skipping much of a beat I told him that I have absolutely no way of acquiring a loan in order to pay off my car since Jeremy and I do not have jobs. He pretty much told me that he'd pay it off when he gets his income tax returns, which made me tell him 'no' just about a thousand times I think and then he told me that he was going to do it because there was no other way around it, which I guess is true since every other option we've looked at has yet to fall through and shows no signs of doing so. So naturaly I broke down on the phone with him, telling him about how much I hate that he has to do it and that I didn't ever want this to happen and all that jazz, and he told me over and over not to cry and ever since I hung up the phone with him I've been crying myself into a stupor/sleep throughout the day because I never wanted this to happen, I know he had a lot of things he needed that money for up at home and because of me he can't get them.
We're going to pay him back every cent when we can afford it, that's been the deal for the length of my entire move to begin with, so he knows he's getting paid back. I mean I feel like shit enough when I can't make $300 car payments and he would have to do it for me, but $12,000 just like that? It kills me. It fucking kills me.
Sigh.
Never before have they had to spend that much money on my older brother or my other siblings, nothing, to bail them out of shit and my older brother has done more than enough shit in his short lifetime to possibly warrant that much money for this shenanigans.. I just.. Feel like the worst kid on the effing planet at the moment and I don't know how to get myself out of that feeling.
I feel... Really irresponsible because of this. Knowing that dad now can see how irresponsible it is just drives the depression further and further onto myself and I feel like I'm spiraling further and further into a hole of sadness and just... Fucking despair. What makes it even worse, this whole situation, is that now I'm terrified to call my house since it was painfully obvious that that he didn't want her to know about anything just yet since he talked to me about it in French (my mom can't talk French/understand it that well) That leads me to believe she had plans for that money, which leads me to think that she's going to be pissed about it and blame me for now not having it, and I don't want to have to deal with her having a rage at me if I call because I already obviously feel like fucking fail and shit about the entire thing anyway.
...Fuck. x.u
So. The phone rang today and it was the chick from the place holding my care title. I hadn't slept and wasn't in a fit state to talk to her so I listened to her message on the answering machine. After watching the Iron Giant Jeremy and I decided that we probably should call my house and see if dad was around.
So.
I spoke with my father and without skipping much of a beat I told him that I have absolutely no way of acquiring a loan in order to pay off my car since Jeremy and I do not have jobs. He pretty much told me that he'd pay it off when he gets his income tax returns, which made me tell him 'no' just about a thousand times I think and then he told me that he was going to do it because there was no other way around it, which I guess is true since every other option we've looked at has yet to fall through and shows no signs of doing so. So naturaly I broke down on the phone with him, telling him about how much I hate that he has to do it and that I didn't ever want this to happen and all that jazz, and he told me over and over not to cry and ever since I hung up the phone with him I've been crying myself into a stupor/sleep throughout the day because I never wanted this to happen, I know he had a lot of things he needed that money for up at home and because of me he can't get them.
We're going to pay him back every cent when we can afford it, that's been the deal for the length of my entire move to begin with, so he knows he's getting paid back. I mean I feel like shit enough when I can't make $300 car payments and he would have to do it for me, but $12,000 just like that? It kills me. It fucking kills me.
Sigh.
Never before have they had to spend that much money on my older brother or my other siblings, nothing, to bail them out of shit and my older brother has done more than enough shit in his short lifetime to possibly warrant that much money for this shenanigans.. I just.. Feel like the worst kid on the effing planet at the moment and I don't know how to get myself out of that feeling.
I feel... Really irresponsible because of this. Knowing that dad now can see how irresponsible it is just drives the depression further and further onto myself and I feel like I'm spiraling further and further into a hole of sadness and just... Fucking despair. What makes it even worse, this whole situation, is that now I'm terrified to call my house since it was painfully obvious that that he didn't want her to know about anything just yet since he talked to me about it in French (my mom can't talk French/understand it that well) That leads me to believe she had plans for that money, which leads me to think that she's going to be pissed about it and blame me for now not having it, and I don't want to have to deal with her having a rage at me if I call because I already obviously feel like fucking fail and shit about the entire thing anyway.
...Fuck. x.u