∮ tearing myself apart again
This is because I can't sleep right now. Because while I'm laying in bed all I can think about are these horrible feelings that I can't deal with anymore. I feel like I'm going to fucking explode. Jeremy was leaving for school this morning and it took all I had to not burst into tears before he left because all I could think about was how horrible I feel, how depressed I am, how much I feel like I put on an act for him (not that I'm not happy with him, it's not that at all) and how much I don't think anything that I wanted to have happen this year is going to happen at all. I feel like I was optimistic for nothing. I made myself think that I would be able to get everything in order and everything would be fine and dandy, but it's not. I thought that if I told myself "it will happen" that it would. Apparently I've been lying to myself again, maybe that's why my stomach has been bothering me lately? This is the basic list of my thoughts I have been going over and over all morning long that's keeping me from getting back to sleep:
» I have no friends close enough that I can visit.
» I have no family nearby I can go talk too.
» I get depressed when I'm talking to my parents/siblings on the phone because I can't see them as easily as I would like too.
» Talking to certain people is extremely difficult due to schedule conflict/she hates my guts for no fucking reason at God damned all.
» I really, really, really miss my mother.
» I have never felt this alone before in my entire life.
» Even though I hate to admit it, I find myself just not wanting to be awake/alive because all I do is focus on negative things (like never getting the fuck home).
» I would have my Green Card if it wasn't for trivial fucking things that shouldn't have mattered in the first God damned place.
» I am so pissed off at my Father-in-Law right now it's not even funny as all of this could have been avoided if he would not have sat around on his ass for a month instead of sending me a fucking piece of God damned paper.
» The US Government has no right to tell me that I can't be a resident just because my Canadian Birth Certificate doesn't look official enough so I should look for my adoption papers, and if they try to make me do it I'll fucking sue for invasion of privacy. I don't want to know anything about that woman. I don't know her name, where she's from, if she's married, if she has other kids, if there was any reason she wanted to give us (me and Morgan) up or anything else, and I don't want to fucking know. So the Government can kiss my fucking Canadian ass when it comes down to that. I am not fucking up my mental health all the more just so they can tell me I probably didn't need the fucking papers to fucking begin with. Yeah? Yeah.
» If I didn't tell myself to "smile" and "be happy" I would be crying 24/7 and nobody really wants any of that, do they?
» I've been forcing myself to write for the only RP community that I'm in because I keep hoping I'll either get over this bullshit because of it, or that it will distract me. Neither option has fallen through on that "bright" idea just yet.
» I hate myself more and more each day because I keep thinking about things like this all the time.
» I probably won't get a job down here because all my references are in Canada and who the fuck wants to call out of COUNTRY just to give some stupid bitch a job when the American Citizens come first in this fucking hellhole.
» I'm full of guilt that my parents, who can barely afford their own vehicles, have to pay for mine because I don't have any money to send to them to cover the stupid payments.
» I still need to register my fucking car down here, but I can't afford to pay the duties on it yet.
» I've probably been ignoring a lot of friends lately because I've been preoccupied with being depressed and bothered all the time.
» I hate myself. I cannot stress that enough. I hate myself so. much. With reason? Look up at the list and you tell me.
» No matter how much I want it, I don't think I'll get to go home for Christmas -- and that is tearing me up on the inside more and more every day that November fucking 1st comes closer and closer of me being without a fucking Green Card.
» I'd like to be dead. ...I probably shouldn't say that, but it's true...
I can't take much more of this. I feel like I'm just going to crumble into pieces or that I'm just going to fall asleep one day and just not wake up. Given the circumstances, I feel like that's a great fucking option right now and that's a painful thought for me to think about. I should probably be seeing a shrink or something, but that falls on "no money" once more. I feel like a failure at my life. I really feel like if I was someone watching me on the sidelines, I would be taking notes on what not to fucking do and probably be laughing at how much of an idiot and how big a complete and utter failure I have been ever since I moved down here, and even before that as well.
Between being tired and depressed as hell all the time, I've come to feel numb during my day to day life. That's fantastic. Now I just go from feeling sad to feeling nothing at all. Glorious.
All I wanted was to make it home for Christmas so that some of the loneliness would go away and some of being homesick would fade away. But I can't even manage that.
Way to go, me.
Way to go.
» I have no friends close enough that I can visit.
» I have no family nearby I can go talk too.
» I get depressed when I'm talking to my parents/siblings on the phone because I can't see them as easily as I would like too.
» Talking to certain people is extremely difficult due to schedule conflict/she hates my guts for no fucking reason at God damned all.
» I really, really, really miss my mother.
» I have never felt this alone before in my entire life.
» Even though I hate to admit it, I find myself just not wanting to be awake/alive because all I do is focus on negative things (like never getting the fuck home).
» I would have my Green Card if it wasn't for trivial fucking things that shouldn't have mattered in the first God damned place.
» I am so pissed off at my Father-in-Law right now it's not even funny as all of this could have been avoided if he would not have sat around on his ass for a month instead of sending me a fucking piece of God damned paper.
» The US Government has no right to tell me that I can't be a resident just because my Canadian Birth Certificate doesn't look official enough so I should look for my adoption papers, and if they try to make me do it I'll fucking sue for invasion of privacy. I don't want to know anything about that woman. I don't know her name, where she's from, if she's married, if she has other kids, if there was any reason she wanted to give us (me and Morgan) up or anything else, and I don't want to fucking know. So the Government can kiss my fucking Canadian ass when it comes down to that. I am not fucking up my mental health all the more just so they can tell me I probably didn't need the fucking papers to fucking begin with. Yeah? Yeah.
» If I didn't tell myself to "smile" and "be happy" I would be crying 24/7 and nobody really wants any of that, do they?
» I've been forcing myself to write for the only RP community that I'm in because I keep hoping I'll either get over this bullshit because of it, or that it will distract me. Neither option has fallen through on that "bright" idea just yet.
» I hate myself more and more each day because I keep thinking about things like this all the time.
» I probably won't get a job down here because all my references are in Canada and who the fuck wants to call out of COUNTRY just to give some stupid bitch a job when the American Citizens come first in this fucking hellhole.
» I'm full of guilt that my parents, who can barely afford their own vehicles, have to pay for mine because I don't have any money to send to them to cover the stupid payments.
» I still need to register my fucking car down here, but I can't afford to pay the duties on it yet.
» I've probably been ignoring a lot of friends lately because I've been preoccupied with being depressed and bothered all the time.
» I hate myself. I cannot stress that enough. I hate myself so. much. With reason? Look up at the list and you tell me.
» No matter how much I want it, I don't think I'll get to go home for Christmas -- and that is tearing me up on the inside more and more every day that November fucking 1st comes closer and closer of me being without a fucking Green Card.
» I'd like to be dead. ...I probably shouldn't say that, but it's true...
I can't take much more of this. I feel like I'm just going to crumble into pieces or that I'm just going to fall asleep one day and just not wake up. Given the circumstances, I feel like that's a great fucking option right now and that's a painful thought for me to think about. I should probably be seeing a shrink or something, but that falls on "no money" once more. I feel like a failure at my life. I really feel like if I was someone watching me on the sidelines, I would be taking notes on what not to fucking do and probably be laughing at how much of an idiot and how big a complete and utter failure I have been ever since I moved down here, and even before that as well.
Between being tired and depressed as hell all the time, I've come to feel numb during my day to day life. That's fantastic. Now I just go from feeling sad to feeling nothing at all. Glorious.
All I wanted was to make it home for Christmas so that some of the loneliness would go away and some of being homesick would fade away. But I can't even manage that.
Way to go, me.
Way to go.