January 12, 2009
I saw her on Saturday and fell in love with her again. I’ve been dreaming of all the things I’ve done wrong in our relationship and all the things I could do better if we gave it another shot. I spoke to her tonight on the phone and told her all that and more. She said she still loves me. Then I made her say it. “Alisha, I do not choose you.” I had to make her say it. She loved me so passionately, so fervently, I consumed her…and now she “doesn’t choose me”. She is making the right choice for both of us. I know this, but I just don’t know what to do without her. Without someone. By myself? Really? How did I get exactly what I’ve been asking for for years, and it feels so fucking frightening. The silence in Japan was peaceful and serene…the silence in my apartment is like the silence of a city that has been evacuated. The silence of a house that has suddenly been abandoned. The silence in the mall after its been closed. I need to change my perception of this silence, and I will. I just am not quite sure how to yet. Oh, Father Time. How he does play for us and against us throughout our lives. Right now I am so grateful for the passing of time…for each day that ends brings another nuance of healing.
The other night I started brainstorming “what does Alisha want in a partner?” I came up with all of two lousy traits before I was distracted and bored…and then I realized that I really can’t even think about being with someone right now….although that is all I can think about. As if that makes any sense.
I keep looking at myself in the mirror, and thinking that I have never looked more beautiful. Yet I have never felt less attractive. One of those annoying jokes that life plays on us, I guess. I am grateful for my strong and healthy body, and my nice skin and hair….I thank the universe everyday for my health and vigor and energy. THANK YOU! I also remember times when I looked much less attractive yet so many people constantly told me I looked beautiful. Beauty really does shine from within. I know that my heart and my soul are strong and beautiful, they’re just a little muddled and scarred right now. Definitely not shining. My task now is to maintain my body, and polish up and reinvigorate the other parts of my beautiful self. I need to practice being open, and just loving. That should be my mantra..”Love..love..love” Sounds simple but that is such a difficult little game for me to remember as I walk through my days. I have lived the past few years of my life withholding love, then lavishing it in order to control my partners. Bad, Alisha. It should be given freely. Practice the art of loving freely, Alisha….and take the punches that come with it. I like that…it just made me smile. At least I know that I can “take the punches”. I’m good at that.
As far as Cassie goes, I barely even want to see or hear that name right now. She was right…it is so HER. She is so wrapped up in those six little letters. I need to stay far away from her. Every time I see or talk to her I get sucked back in. Distance, for now, is the fastest route to mental wellbeing, I think. Thank you, Brain, for being smart and logical. Now help me, Heart, to be strong and carry it through.
Love myself. Love others. Love like I’ve never lost. Love like today is my last day in earth. Love as I would like to be loved. Love is forgiveness. Love is acceptance. Love is freedom.
She does not choose me. She does not choose me. She does not choose me. She does not choose me. Believe it, Alisha, and find freedom inside of those words. You are free. Do something amazing with it.
The other night I started brainstorming “what does Alisha want in a partner?” I came up with all of two lousy traits before I was distracted and bored…and then I realized that I really can’t even think about being with someone right now….although that is all I can think about. As if that makes any sense.
I keep looking at myself in the mirror, and thinking that I have never looked more beautiful. Yet I have never felt less attractive. One of those annoying jokes that life plays on us, I guess. I am grateful for my strong and healthy body, and my nice skin and hair….I thank the universe everyday for my health and vigor and energy. THANK YOU! I also remember times when I looked much less attractive yet so many people constantly told me I looked beautiful. Beauty really does shine from within. I know that my heart and my soul are strong and beautiful, they’re just a little muddled and scarred right now. Definitely not shining. My task now is to maintain my body, and polish up and reinvigorate the other parts of my beautiful self. I need to practice being open, and just loving. That should be my mantra..”Love..love..love” Sounds simple but that is such a difficult little game for me to remember as I walk through my days. I have lived the past few years of my life withholding love, then lavishing it in order to control my partners. Bad, Alisha. It should be given freely. Practice the art of loving freely, Alisha….and take the punches that come with it. I like that…it just made me smile. At least I know that I can “take the punches”. I’m good at that.
As far as Cassie goes, I barely even want to see or hear that name right now. She was right…it is so HER. She is so wrapped up in those six little letters. I need to stay far away from her. Every time I see or talk to her I get sucked back in. Distance, for now, is the fastest route to mental wellbeing, I think. Thank you, Brain, for being smart and logical. Now help me, Heart, to be strong and carry it through.
Love myself. Love others. Love like I’ve never lost. Love like today is my last day in earth. Love as I would like to be loved. Love is forgiveness. Love is acceptance. Love is freedom.
She does not choose me. She does not choose me. She does not choose me. She does not choose me. Believe it, Alisha, and find freedom inside of those words. You are free. Do something amazing with it.