WTF
Alyssa is in a relationship? I guess its true what they say you don't know what you've got until its gone. I just never thought that Alyssa would be one of those thing. I know I fucked up but its so hard to believe that she broke up with me about this. I guess the hardest part to deal with is that what I did was so long ago, it barely registers in my mind as reality. I mean to me it might have well have been imagined. I've been restless all week, just thinking about where do I go now that I don't have my rock any longer. I can't believe she's already moved on, I mean didn't I mean something. I can't sleep at night, I hug my pillow wishing it was her, wake up at 3 in the morning hoping she would call saying it was just a nightmare. Then there's today, completely out of no where everything thing I had blamed on my over active imagination came to fruition. I always found it weird that she would tell me about the 40 year old men in volleyball and then out of a sudden, "my friend chris". I thought I knew all of her friends. She never told me she went to his house, and definitely not that he asked her out. Its weird I fell like I'm being rail roaded but yet its totally my fault and I can't seem to get my head around all of this. For the first time in my life I was consumed my emotion to the point of being completely useless. Sent home from work.. how fucking humiliating is that shit. Never have I ever wanted to do so much bodily harm to someone as I do to this guy Chris. I don't even know him and I would shoot him if I had a gun. how insane is that, The more I sit here more more creative my method of retaliation becomes, so much so that I'm actually starting to scare myself. I'm just glad I don't know where he lives because I have just paid him a visit and go knows where that would lead. Chris fucking Blacker, I know I'm going to regret the day I meet him. I just home he regrets it more. So now what do I do, I know I want Alyssa back I can't imagine being with anyone else right now. I can't even allow my imagination to picture her in someone else's arms. God forbid if they've already had sex.
The weird part is though I trust Alyssa whole heatedly I can't fight off the feeling that he attempted something with her before she broke up with me. I don't know if I've ever cried about a girl before, I think that means I must have a heart, because I don't know how can anyone feel so bad. I finally understand the amount of pain I've caused her and in that capacity I know that I do not deserve her. But how I would love the opportunity to make amends. I want to scream at the top of my lungs how much I love and cherish her and how over the past two years she's made my world a better place, but i don't know if that's would be enough. Even more then that I'm not sure that wouldn't drive her further away from me. I know that I cannot afford to love her from my life but how can i fight for the woman I love while walking the razor's edge of complete isolation.
I know that financially I can't compete with him, and she does deserve someone who can be there for her and take care of her. I don't think there was ever a moment I wasn't willing to split my last dime to make sure she could get through the day. It's almost as though, its a curse upon her that I should be so in love with her, because look where loving me have gotten her. I can't imagine she would consider coming back to me but I hope someday she will know that I would gave the whole of my being for her.
The weird part is though I trust Alyssa whole heatedly I can't fight off the feeling that he attempted something with her before she broke up with me. I don't know if I've ever cried about a girl before, I think that means I must have a heart, because I don't know how can anyone feel so bad. I finally understand the amount of pain I've caused her and in that capacity I know that I do not deserve her. But how I would love the opportunity to make amends. I want to scream at the top of my lungs how much I love and cherish her and how over the past two years she's made my world a better place, but i don't know if that's would be enough. Even more then that I'm not sure that wouldn't drive her further away from me. I know that I cannot afford to love her from my life but how can i fight for the woman I love while walking the razor's edge of complete isolation.
I know that financially I can't compete with him, and she does deserve someone who can be there for her and take care of her. I don't think there was ever a moment I wasn't willing to split my last dime to make sure she could get through the day. It's almost as though, its a curse upon her that I should be so in love with her, because look where loving me have gotten her. I can't imagine she would consider coming back to me but I hope someday she will know that I would gave the whole of my being for her.