"and im crying inside, and nobody knows it but me"
so what the fuck, chris called me again, and he went on about how he knows that i miss him and still love him etc. now that might be true, but what a cocky little bastard, i mean, i dont know, maybe im like forgetting things, but he said before the "incident" (assuming that's the day i almost hit him w/ my car) he treated me right. yes, he came over alot, yes he was generally sweet, but is he forgetting the shit i went through with my friends and family? allo the fights, slammed doors, tears? do i like this abuse, am i more fucked up than i think i am, if i want him around so all this shit can happen again, that's fucked up. i was seriously fucked up last night, crying alot, doesnt he have perfect timing? yea, chris, call when im down on the ground so you can rub it in a little more. i seriously feel myself drifting further and further from my sense of who i am, and as i drift more and more, i start to just be a spec of dirt in this infamous universe, just breathing and living on borrowed time. sometimes i wonder if things would be different if i had a place of my own and lived w/ chris, i really wonder if it would have worked out. i was talking to him on the cell earlier today, and i asked him if i could call him back, and he said let me call you back, im approching the homey's house, i said who?, he said the one right here, and you know what a part of me totally wanted it to be me he was talking about. i think im going to make him a cd, that's it, maybe that'll work. i just dont get it, i would do anything for him, and that REALLY scares me, because i dont think he's anywhere near a position that he could do the same for me. it's not cool, it's so one-sided. i just want him to be better, i want him to be able to like be there for me when im feeling like this. she should be, i want to be with him again, how am i supposed to deal. i seriously dont think he could ever love me though, do i want that, i just keep thinking that it's going to change, that it's going to be better, that he can be an upstanding citizen, go to work, pay the bills, you know. about 95% of the time i feel really shitty because the only reason why i dont want to be with him is because he can't take me out to dinner or even just to a movie or something. i mean when i was w/ j, he didnt like go an buy me things, he made me tapes, and i cherish them, actually i still have them, i think when i guy makes something, it's the cutest, sweetest thing, but i dont think hes like that. i dont know, i've always wanted someone that would give me flowers just cuz, or take me out somewhere special, just cuz, but 99% of the time, i think that im never going to find it. the best is chris, someone who does care, but is also wraped up in their own shit, that's sad.