And God Said, Let There be Pain, Suffering, That All Who Worship Me Have Something To Look Foward To
I'm gonna come clean right now: This. Is. STUPID.
I have completely checked out this semester. There is simply nothing left in my heart or soul to make me want to continue my learning, and my life. I have no will to continue. But the question here is, WHY? Why does this shit happen to me? What the hell is wrong inside my little head?
Obviously you all need background: I've been taking some great courses this semester, apart from Western Civ. My Comm professor is just awesome, and I still love lil' Miss Foreman from Fall 05. And yet, for some reason, about half way through the semester, I got hit hard with depression. Depression that made me question my ability in every sphere that I wished to traverse in college, making me feel like I was no good for Mason or anywhere else. Well, Depression became despair that all was hopeless, that I may as well kill myself now because I will never amount to ANYTHING. After that came apathy: I'm going to kill myself soon, what does it matter what I do in the meantime?
So, here I am now, dealing with depression and trying to find little reasons to keep me from leaping off the tallest building I can find (Science and Tech 1 seems to be the best, though I'm not sure how I'd get to the roof). What has made me change my way of thinking is seeing how people are reacting. Nobody can believe that I'm suicidal, none. Aside from the few high school friends I see often, nobody had ever guessed that I had problems with depression. The cries of, "Oh, but you're so funny, I'd never guess you were sad!" and "Why? You're so smart!" and "What do you have to be sad about, smarty=pants with good grades?" are making me think, "Hey, why AM I so sad?"
Up to this point, I always assumed that I was depressed because I suck at everything and have no hope for a happy future. But now there are people telling me that I'm NOT a loser, that I DO have talent. I need to find out what is wrong with me, before it DOES destroy me. The depression just gets worse and worse with each passing year, but if it's all over nothing then why should I have to put up with it? Hell, I'm thinking about going on pills (and we all know how much I HATE them pills). I don't want my life to ruled and/or ended just because my chemical balance has been disrupted. I don't NEED this shit. If I die, I'd like to have a damn good reason for it, not just because of some psycho-somatic mental trauma over an invisble pain. This is ridiculous.
In conclusion, life sucks, but not for the reasons it should. I need lots and lots of help if I am to survive this period in my life, and the following lonliness. I'm going to email my Comm professor and see if it's all right for me to come back to class on Wednesday. Life is a sad thing . . . But at least there should be a god damn REASON
I have completely checked out this semester. There is simply nothing left in my heart or soul to make me want to continue my learning, and my life. I have no will to continue. But the question here is, WHY? Why does this shit happen to me? What the hell is wrong inside my little head?
Obviously you all need background: I've been taking some great courses this semester, apart from Western Civ. My Comm professor is just awesome, and I still love lil' Miss Foreman from Fall 05. And yet, for some reason, about half way through the semester, I got hit hard with depression. Depression that made me question my ability in every sphere that I wished to traverse in college, making me feel like I was no good for Mason or anywhere else. Well, Depression became despair that all was hopeless, that I may as well kill myself now because I will never amount to ANYTHING. After that came apathy: I'm going to kill myself soon, what does it matter what I do in the meantime?
So, here I am now, dealing with depression and trying to find little reasons to keep me from leaping off the tallest building I can find (Science and Tech 1 seems to be the best, though I'm not sure how I'd get to the roof). What has made me change my way of thinking is seeing how people are reacting. Nobody can believe that I'm suicidal, none. Aside from the few high school friends I see often, nobody had ever guessed that I had problems with depression. The cries of, "Oh, but you're so funny, I'd never guess you were sad!" and "Why? You're so smart!" and "What do you have to be sad about, smarty=pants with good grades?" are making me think, "Hey, why AM I so sad?"
Up to this point, I always assumed that I was depressed because I suck at everything and have no hope for a happy future. But now there are people telling me that I'm NOT a loser, that I DO have talent. I need to find out what is wrong with me, before it DOES destroy me. The depression just gets worse and worse with each passing year, but if it's all over nothing then why should I have to put up with it? Hell, I'm thinking about going on pills (and we all know how much I HATE them pills). I don't want my life to ruled and/or ended just because my chemical balance has been disrupted. I don't NEED this shit. If I die, I'd like to have a damn good reason for it, not just because of some psycho-somatic mental trauma over an invisble pain. This is ridiculous.
In conclusion, life sucks, but not for the reasons it should. I need lots and lots of help if I am to survive this period in my life, and the following lonliness. I'm going to email my Comm professor and see if it's all right for me to come back to class on Wednesday. Life is a sad thing . . . But at least there should be a god damn REASON