I am sorry to hear that you are going through some tough times socially and with your boyfriend. However, I must confess that I found some comfort to know that someone else experiences many of the same feelings regarding their interactions within groups of people. I confess that I too find it hard to relate and be interested in most other people and feel excruciatingly lonely at times. I know there are many variables that probably attributes to my lack of social skills, or the lack of my ability to put myself "out there" and connect with other people. I know that a lot of my anxiety has to do with feeling abandoned or betrayed by close friends, people that I loved; which really impacts you and sometimes it takes a while to realize how much. I believe that also my transition from Pine View to Riverview scathed me socially.
So perhaps it will bring you some comfort, or make you feel less lonely, to know that there is someone in the midwest who finds what you say to be interesting; and might be just as lonely. I'm not meaning to form a pity party of any sorts here, but your entry made me think about how I felt as though we were (almost) always on the same level; yet we ever became close friends beyond livejournal. I think that this too goes back to my social anxieties and the fact that I am painfully shy and reluctant to allow myself to be vulnerable with other people. Which I suppose is why I am loud most of the time, it's so I wont think about what other people are thinking about me; I suppose I am hoping that my voice will be too loud for them to fill their heads with thoughts or judgments that would pertain to me.
You should keep working on your art. I think I'm awful and talentless, yet I have managed to stay at a fine arts school for two years and am starting my third. I guess the only reason I have been able to do this is because I enjoy making things for myself and it's the easiest way for me to find approval from others. The best art is made from the heart though, you have to put yourself into it. If you're not dark, you're art work wont be, and I think that is ok. Of course it is delightful when others love what you are doing, but I have certainly found that the hardest person to receive praise and approval from with my art is myself; so when I like whatever it is I am doing, the rewards are ten times sweeter.
I ended up listening to Transatlanticism all day, because your post reminded me how much I loved this CD. It was my CD for the summer of 2004; my song was always Tiny Vessels.
I hope that this comment was not too ranty and/or creepy; I just hope that things get better for you.
well lets be honest, it is a pity party of sorts, but who says they arent okay? pull up, grab a seat, have a drink, .... heh*
our correspondence always makes me feel less alone. its always oddly comforting to realize that even though we've never even seen eachother that much, somehow we always manage to have parallel lives. you remember paul abruzzo? me and him are the same way. ill call him up, and what do you know? we're in the same freakin boat... going up shit creek.... and all the paddles are gone.
also i dont know if i ever commented, but i did read your post about your study abroad experience. i found that intensely interesting, and amazing. im so happy for you that you did that, although it seemed pretty traumatic at times.
do you ever find yourself avoiding people, or their gazes, and if you do catch someone's gaze, you look away all to quickly, and youre not really sure why? if the eyes are really the windows to the soul, then...
do you have a deviant art page? ide really like to see your art! how did the highschool switch hurt your social life?
i definitly know how you feel about the vulnerability thing too, like i feel that if i become friends with someone, that ill just end up being misunderstood or left behind or hurt. that happened to me last year. i was friends with this girl named Ashley too, and we were inseparable. we were known as the "ashleys" (even though my name is spelled ashleigh), or ashley squared. she was one of the best friends i have ever had. we clicked. one of the things i loved.. and maybe this is narcissistic of me, but she thought i was funny! noone ever laughs at my jokes except for me! i actually made her laugh, like all the time. and she was one of the first girl friends that i was completely honest and myself with. and she wasnt intimidated by me. and she made me laugh, and she was there for me when szymon and i broke up. closer than close.
but then...she got this boyfriend... and i was left in the dust. and now we're practically enemies. and i cant stand her. anyyyywho.
well, good luck with your art! im rooting for you from far away! and omg youre so creepy geeze! who do you think you are giving such a thoughtful reply to my public rantings?! god!'
haha, well hopefully talk to you later <3 take care
So perhaps it will bring you some comfort, or make you feel less lonely, to know that there is someone in the midwest who finds what you say to be interesting; and might be just as lonely. I'm not meaning to form a pity party of any sorts here, but your entry made me think about how I felt as though we were (almost) always on the same level; yet we ever became close friends beyond livejournal. I think that this too goes back to my social anxieties and the fact that I am painfully shy and reluctant to allow myself to be vulnerable with other people. Which I suppose is why I am loud most of the time, it's so I wont think about what other people are thinking about me; I suppose I am hoping that my voice will be too loud for them to fill their heads with thoughts or judgments that would pertain to me.
You should keep working on your art. I think I'm awful and talentless, yet I have managed to stay at a fine arts school for two years and am starting my third. I guess the only reason I have been able to do this is because I enjoy making things for myself and it's the easiest way for me to find approval from others. The best art is made from the heart though, you have to put yourself into it. If you're not dark, you're art work wont be, and I think that is ok. Of course it is delightful when others love what you are doing, but I have certainly found that the hardest person to receive praise and approval from with my art is myself; so when I like whatever it is I am doing, the rewards are ten times sweeter.
I ended up listening to Transatlanticism all day, because your post reminded me how much I loved this CD. It was my CD for the summer of 2004; my song was always Tiny Vessels.
I hope that this comment was not too ranty and/or creepy; I just hope that things get better for you.
xox
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our correspondence always makes me feel less alone. its always oddly comforting to realize that even though we've never even seen eachother that much, somehow we always manage to have parallel lives. you remember paul abruzzo? me and him are the same way. ill call him up, and what do you know? we're in the same freakin boat... going up shit creek.... and all the paddles are gone.
also i dont know if i ever commented, but i did read your post about your study abroad experience. i found that intensely interesting, and amazing. im so happy for you that you did that, although it seemed pretty traumatic at times.
do you ever find yourself avoiding people, or their gazes, and if you do catch someone's gaze, you look away all to quickly, and youre not really sure why? if the eyes are really the windows to the soul, then...
do you have a deviant art page? ide really like to see your art!
how did the highschool switch hurt your social life?
i definitly know how you feel about the vulnerability thing too, like i feel that if i become friends with someone, that ill just end up being misunderstood or left behind or hurt. that happened to me last year. i was friends with this girl named Ashley too, and we were inseparable. we were known as the "ashleys" (even though my name is spelled ashleigh), or ashley squared. she was one of the best friends i have ever had. we clicked. one of the things i loved.. and maybe this is narcissistic of me, but she thought i was funny! noone ever laughs at my jokes except for me! i actually made her laugh, like all the time. and she was one of the first girl friends that i was completely honest and myself with. and she wasnt intimidated by me. and she made me laugh, and she was there for me when szymon and i broke up. closer than close.
but then...she got this boyfriend... and i was left in the dust. and now we're practically enemies. and i cant stand her. anyyyywho.
well, good luck with your art! im rooting for you from far away!
and omg youre so creepy geeze! who do you think you are giving such a thoughtful reply to my public rantings?! god!'
haha, well hopefully talk to you later <3
take care
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