(no subject)
i dont know why i do this. i purposely separate myself from everyone. i dont mean to be such a loner. i dont know how i became so socially retarded. i just look at the people around me and i cant think of anything to say. most things that come out of people's mouths dont interest me or amuse me at all. it just sounds stupid. and then i feel like whatever i say sounds stupid. but the ironic part is that i would rather be by myself anyways. i want space. i want freedom. i like thinking. i dont mind silence. i enjoy doing my own thing. but sometimes like on a friday night... im in the midst of everything and everyone, ...theyre all playing around but im just sitting there and still not feeling anything, not a part of anything thats going on. admittedly -it gets really frustrating. no matter what, i always still feel lonely and left out. for example tonight, there was a parade to the grave of the founder of our school in 1842, and a bonfire and karaoke and the like..... well on the way back from the parade somehow i got left behind and i ended up walking back at the very back and by myself. and noone really cared. so i stayed there. but it was just kinda depressing. so i did some photography...
its like im invisible most of the time. i try and speak up in a group and say something, and usually it goes unnoticed. if i try to get someones attention, i usually fail. ever since i can remember ...i exist in my own little world. being an only child... i always played bymyself and made up all sorts of fantasy worlds. all my teachers characterized me as the daydreamer because i would just space out in class and be thinking about something else. its like im reverting back.
but maybe everyone else just feels the same way anyways. only child or not. maybe everyone feels lonely too, even in a crowd of people if they contemplate it.being a human with our own minds and energy, unable to express exactly what is going on inside, maybe it's inherent that we will always want to feel understood, only because it is actually impossible. unless you write a book about it or something, and make everyone read it..... ? i dont know...
i just wish i was as confident as i used to be. i always used to be the center of attention in a group because i was loud and didnt care what anyone thought.. oblivious to what anyone thought, or if anyone was even looking. my relationship with szymon has seriously damaged my self esteem. after he left me for the summer i felt completely rejected and like i wasnt worth staying for. and i still feel that way, but he and his family have forced me to bury it and get past it. but i can still feel the hurt from all of those months alone. wondering why,...why now? after all that happened the previous 12 months. i have to be okay being alone. im okay being alone. im going to leave. im going to go to japan. there ill be utterly alone. but maybe im ready for it. could be. fate. or free will begging to be utilized.
god this is such a hypocrisy... i supposedly am okay being alone...and here i am publicly writing about it. so why? what is the point? i want another outlet. i want to paint. but my confidence cant bear it. it just sucks that my own boyfriend doesnt even like or support my art. he has never once given me a compliment unsolicited. he stares blankly. i ask,"...do you like it?" ....."yeah. its..."
he trails off...... or ill have a piece that im working on that hes never seen before and he doesnt even say anything. if anyone knows me, they would know that art is really important to me. i cant make him like it.. i suppose my style is not to his taste. fuck who am i kidding i dont even have a fucking style. i wish i did! the only art he likes is Giger and his sisters. my art just isnt THAT dark. its getting there... but its not that morbid.
the fact that 5 people i know died this summer certainly makes my psyche a tad morbid. but that's to be expected. closure hasnt completely happened yet. it hasnt found its way. it has to be a certain way. its still all there in my mind. now i keep thinking everyones going to die at any second. this could be it. that drive will be the last. say your sorry. say i love you. say i forgive you. say youre beautiful.
where are you? where ever you are- im sorry. i love you. i forgive you. youre beautiful.
im so in love. debilitatingly in love. obsessively. passionately.... its so unfair to have all of this love to give, but noone to drink it up. i want to drown him in it. its like its so fierce and firey that its dangerous.. it makes tears of frustration fall out of my eyes involuntarily. i dont know how to describe it... he lets me go too quickly. i want one of those hugs where someone doesnt let you go.
i love him so much.
"Up there on the second floor, in that glass cage hanging out in the air, is a man and a woman, kissing, standing up, her whole body leaning bent over backward. That's forever, for the last time."- We, by Yevgeny Zamayatin.
what i want, can he give me? is he capable? does he feel the same passion that i do? is he just like every other guy who loses the passion as soon as he has the prize? have i made him unsensitive and cold? maybe what i want doesnt exist.it only exists in books. in my little world. and as soon as the moment comes, its not as i pictured it in my mind. its disappointing.
so basically... at 20 you become disenchanted with everything. thats the moral of the stupid story.
its like im invisible most of the time. i try and speak up in a group and say something, and usually it goes unnoticed. if i try to get someones attention, i usually fail. ever since i can remember ...i exist in my own little world. being an only child... i always played bymyself and made up all sorts of fantasy worlds. all my teachers characterized me as the daydreamer because i would just space out in class and be thinking about something else. its like im reverting back.
but maybe everyone else just feels the same way anyways. only child or not. maybe everyone feels lonely too, even in a crowd of people if they contemplate it.being a human with our own minds and energy, unable to express exactly what is going on inside, maybe it's inherent that we will always want to feel understood, only because it is actually impossible. unless you write a book about it or something, and make everyone read it..... ? i dont know...
i just wish i was as confident as i used to be. i always used to be the center of attention in a group because i was loud and didnt care what anyone thought.. oblivious to what anyone thought, or if anyone was even looking. my relationship with szymon has seriously damaged my self esteem. after he left me for the summer i felt completely rejected and like i wasnt worth staying for. and i still feel that way, but he and his family have forced me to bury it and get past it. but i can still feel the hurt from all of those months alone. wondering why,...why now? after all that happened the previous 12 months. i have to be okay being alone. im okay being alone. im going to leave. im going to go to japan. there ill be utterly alone. but maybe im ready for it. could be. fate. or free will begging to be utilized.
god this is such a hypocrisy... i supposedly am okay being alone...and here i am publicly writing about it. so why? what is the point? i want another outlet. i want to paint. but my confidence cant bear it. it just sucks that my own boyfriend doesnt even like or support my art. he has never once given me a compliment unsolicited. he stares blankly. i ask,"...do you like it?" ....."yeah. its..."
he trails off...... or ill have a piece that im working on that hes never seen before and he doesnt even say anything. if anyone knows me, they would know that art is really important to me. i cant make him like it.. i suppose my style is not to his taste. fuck who am i kidding i dont even have a fucking style. i wish i did! the only art he likes is Giger and his sisters. my art just isnt THAT dark. its getting there... but its not that morbid.
the fact that 5 people i know died this summer certainly makes my psyche a tad morbid. but that's to be expected. closure hasnt completely happened yet. it hasnt found its way. it has to be a certain way. its still all there in my mind. now i keep thinking everyones going to die at any second. this could be it. that drive will be the last. say your sorry. say i love you. say i forgive you. say youre beautiful.
where are you? where ever you are- im sorry. i love you. i forgive you. youre beautiful.
im so in love. debilitatingly in love. obsessively. passionately.... its so unfair to have all of this love to give, but noone to drink it up. i want to drown him in it. its like its so fierce and firey that its dangerous.. it makes tears of frustration fall out of my eyes involuntarily. i dont know how to describe it... he lets me go too quickly. i want one of those hugs where someone doesnt let you go.
i love him so much.
"Up there on the second floor, in that glass cage hanging out in the air, is a man and a woman, kissing, standing up, her whole body leaning bent over backward. That's forever, for the last time."- We, by Yevgeny Zamayatin.
what i want, can he give me? is he capable? does he feel the same passion that i do? is he just like every other guy who loses the passion as soon as he has the prize? have i made him unsensitive and cold? maybe what i want doesnt exist.it only exists in books. in my little world. and as soon as the moment comes, its not as i pictured it in my mind. its disappointing.
so basically... at 20 you become disenchanted with everything. thats the moral of the stupid story.