JE/NEWS- "Five Times NEWS Wants to Watch Tegoshi Sleep (And One Time Uchi Helps)"
Title: Five Times NEWS Wants to Watch Tegoshi Sleep (And One Time Uchi Helps)
Universe: JE/ NewS
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: NEWS (appearances by Uchi, Jin, Kame, and Matsujun)
Warnings/Spoilers: Crack, date rape, snipes against Twilight, the usual.
Word Count: 3,270
Summary: NEWS wants to watch Tegoshi sleep. In retrospect, they probably could have just asked.
Dedication: For dw9lives! Thanks for donating, bb! XD I know you didn’t ask for anything specific, but hopefully this will have some things for you to enjoy.
A/N: Another quick break from script writing that I desperately needed! Inspired by Koyama’s comment on this article as translated at hellomichi. Math stuff stolen blatantly from wikipedia.
Disclaimer: No harm or infringement intended.
Prologue
“That’s creepy,” Shige tells Koyama, immediately after he finishes reading the eldest member’s message to Tegoshi in their spring TV Pia interview. “I mean, who just sits around watching their groupmates sleep? I had to do a couple of readings in class about behaviors that lead to a restraining order getting filed against you. That was one of the surefire ones. Tegoshi could get a restraining order on you for being a creeper, and then how would this group continue to work?”
Koyama looks embarrassed.
“But that kind of thing was romantic in the vampire book I read,” Yamapi points out. “He just stared at her all night and millions of people around the world wished that they were the one he was watching.”
Koyama looks slightly vindicated with their leader’s support. “See?”
“That entire series is brain dead,” Ryo snorts. “Which explains why you read it.”
Yamapi blinks while Koyama sighs.
After that, everyone just looks at Koyama and thinks about restraining orders. Shige’s expression is judgmental and disapproving, Yamapi is sympathetic, and Ryo’s is vaguely amused. Massu, at least, just looks confused, like he can’t quite keep up with what their topic of discussion is if it doesn’t involve gyoza wrappers and the difference between the fold and seal technique or the straight up all-round pinch.
“But c’mon,” Koyama murmurs after a beat, desperate in his own defense, “just think about it! How cute it would be! You’d want to see that, right? Something that cute, you can’t not want to see it. You can’t blame me for thinking like I did.”
Shige moves to say something, but Koyama holds up a hand. “Just think about it,” he urges.
Everyone pauses to think about it.
“It’s Tego-nyan!” Koyama reminds them as they do. “Sleeping!”
His groupmates start to make considering faces. Shige’s looks particularly torn, stuck between morality and the promise of rainbow hearts and sparkles.
“It would be cute,” he sighs in defeat, reluctantly.
“Really cute,” Yamapi nods.
“Nnn…” Ryo mutters, and turns slightly red around the ears. He looks like someone had just phantom punched him in the gut a few times.
Massu just smiles, because if anything, Tegoshi is a subject he understands pretty well, even if it’s not as well as he understands dumplings. “It would definitely be something that would make your heart speed up and feel warm,” he allows.
A moment.
“I want to see it,” the five NEWS members eventually murmur to themselves, dreamily and all at once.
As they do, they all also share a brief, sideways look that Shige would later classify as incredibly creepy and definitely something a judge would issue multiple restraining orders against them for.
They begin to plan.
1.
Tegoshi shows up later in the day because his filming ran a little late, and when he does, he is greeted in the slightly warmer than usual dressing room by Koyama and the others. The soothing strains of classical music playing wafts into his ears from the radio nearby.
“That’s weird,” Tegoshi chirps by way of greeting, “did someone lose a bet to Shige?”
Shige scowls.
“It’s just soothing!” Koyama hastens to explain, before taking Tegoshi’s bag from him and urging him onto the couch, which has been decorated with some lavish looking throw pillows and silky blankets that Tegoshi can imagine KAT-TUN members decorating their houses with. Yamapi thinks this is appropriate, since he stole them all from Koki.
In the meantime, “Relax! Enjoy!” Koyama tells the youngest member as he sits, and even reaches down to pull Tegoshi’s legs up on the couch so he can stretch out a little on those nice cushions and fancy throws. “You must be really tired after your drama work!” the older idol adds, because this is his plan and even though Shige doesn’t think it will work but Koyama does, because being warm and listening to classical music put him to sleep all the time.
Tegoshi beams at Koyama’s thoughtfulness and general interest in his outside of NEWS work. “Filming was fun!” he announces, “Uchi put itching powder in Shun-chan’s shirt. I laughed really hard ne.”
“How exciting! Exciting stuff makes you sleepy, right?” Yamapi chimes in next, and makes Shige slap a hand to his forehead in the background in a gesture that accounts for minus eight subtlety points. Yamapi blinks. “So… you should take a nap before we start learning the new song! Naps are also exciting!” he adds next, in a hasty effort to get his points back.
But Shige’s face only says minus ten.
Tegoshi blinks politely at Yamapi for a minute before saying, “Is everything okay?”
“Yes!” everyone says.
“We're just trying to relax,” Shige explains. “To get into the right mindset before we learn this song.”
Tegoshi considers this. “That makes sense.”
Shige gets plus ten for being the smart one.
Ryo turns up the volume on the radio.
~~~~~
Twenty minutes later, everyone in the very warm room is snoring peacefully away.
Well, everyone except for Tegoshi, who isn’t really exhausted at all from his drama work. He thinks it’s probably because he’d gotten up at four this morning to play a few hours of soccer beforehand; he finds that getting his blood pumping with physical exercise in the early morning hours really helps him keep up his energy later.
Quietly, he covers his each of his groupmates with the fancy blankets on the couch and wonders what sort of strenuous work they had been doing earlier, to make them so tired.
He doesn’t know that it had been thinking, or otherwise he probably would have understood.
2.
Tegoshi is practicing the chorus harmony lines the next day when Shige sits down next to him with a huge textbook in his hands. Shige has been watching Tegoshi carefully all day and figures that this is his most opportune time to try and make the younger idol fall asleep, as Tegoshi already looks tired from last night’s late night filming for Yamanade and this morning’s early call for the drama’s circuit of TV promos.
“Do you know anything about Gödel's first incompleteness theorem?” Shige asks casually, as he flips open his textbook to the page he’d marked.
Tegoshi blinks blearily and stops mid-Sakura. “A little,” he admits.
Shige looks down at the textbook and reads. “Any effectively generated theory capable of expressing elementary arithmetic cannot be both consistent and complete. In particular, for any consistent, effectively generated formal theory that proves certain basic arithmetic truths, there is an arithmetical statement that is true but not provable in the theory.”
Tegoshi nods. “Okay.”
Shige keeps reading.
“For each consistent formal theory T having the required small amount of number theory, the corresponding Gödel sentence G asserts: “G cannot be proved to be true within the theory T." If G were provable under the axioms and rules of inference of T, then T would have a theorem, G, which effectively contradicts itself, and thus the theory T would be inconsistent. This means that if the theory T is consistent then G cannot be proved within it. This means that G's claim about its own improvability is correct; in this sense G is not only improvable but true. Thus provability-within-the-theory-T is not the same as truth; the theory T is incomplete. If G is true: G cannot be proved within the theory, and the theory is incomplete. If G is false: then G can be proved within the theory and then the theory is inconsistent, since G is both provable and refutable from T.”
Shige eyes Tegoshi hopefully; he remembers how this stuff had nearly put him in a coma while he’d learned them in a Foundations of Mathematics seminar last year, when he’d been under the mistaken idea that it would be an easy pass elective credit.
Tegoshi certainly looks like he’s not entirely with Shige already, so it must be working its same magic on him. Shige presses on, voice carefully monotone as he does.
“Each theory has its own Gödel statement. It is possible to define a larger theory T’ that contains the whole of T, plus G as an additional axiom. This will not result in a complete theory, because Gödel's theorem will also apply to T’, and thus T’ cannot be complete. In this case, G is indeed a theorem in T’, because it is an axiom. Since G states only that it is not provable in T, no contradiction is presented by its provability in T’. However, because the incompleteness theorem applies to T’: there will be a new Gödel statement G’ for T’, showing that T’ is also incomplete. G’ will differ from G in that G’ will refer to T’, rather than T.”
Silence.
Perfect.
Shige grins to himself and as he turns triumphantly sideways, expects to be rewarded for his efforts with a face full of adorable Tegoshi snoozing.
Instead, he gets a face full of adorable Tegoshi thinking.
“So,” Tegoshi begins, after a beat, “what Shige is saying is that the theorem works by saying that any formal system that includes enough of the theory of natural numbers actually has to be incomplete because there are true things involved with natural numbers that you can’t actually logically prove. So, no real system that wants to characterize natural numbers can actually do it fully, since there will be inherently true number-theoretical statements that they won’t ever be able to prove in the first place.”
Shige stares. “Yes,” he admits, eventually.
Tegoshi grins. “That’s neat,” he decides, looking much more alert now than he’d been earlier, while he’d been trudging through the chorus of a song he’d already perfected hours ago while waiting for Ryo to show up after finishing his movie shooting. “The world works in mysterious ways right?” He beams at Shige gratefully.
Shige nods, then very slowly closes his book and goes back to practicing his parts of the song.
3.
Tegoshi is worried Massu is sick when during the lunch break, Massu orders six plates of curry rice.
“No gyoza?” Tegoshi asks, and Massu looks momentarily mournful at the mention of his favorite thing on God’s green earth. But it is there and gone again in a second before Massu looks resolute and pushes the curry rice plates towards Tegoshi. All of them.
“I can’t eat all of that,” Tegoshi points out, slowly.
“Sure you can,” Massu assures him. “And then you’ll be in food coma and feel warm and happy and want to take a nap.”
From two chairs down, Shige does that look again, the one that means minus five points for you, Masuda Takahisa.
“I’ll just get sick and throw up,” Tegoshi reasons.
Massu stops, like he never actually considered this. “Really? From just this?”
Tegoshi nods solemnly.
Massu considers it. “Oh well,” he says, and takes the extra five plates for himself in gracious defeat.
By mid-afternoon, Massu is minus fifty subtlety points and plus five pounds; he happily leans back in food coma and figures that even if he didn’t actually succeed, he didn’t actually fail either.
4.
Because Jin is such a good friend, when he hears about NEWS’s attempts to get Tegoshi on his back (or stomach or side or however it is he sleeps), he decides to help Yamapi, because he likes it when Yamapi wins.
So in his inherent friendship and generosity, he takes time from his lunch break to come and visit Yamapi, handing Yamapi a well-used looking brown paper bag.
Yamapi blinks and peers into it. “Pills?” he asks.
Jin nods and grins in a secretive way. “Yup.”
Yamapi tries to figure out why Jin is giving him the smile equivalent of an elbow nudge and a wink. “Sleeping pills?” he formulates, a moment later.
Jin coughs. “Something like that.”
Yamapi considers this option. “I don’t know. That must be illegal. Shige was talking about restraining orders, and how stalking can get you one. I bet drugging can too.”
Jin rolls his eyes. “This is why NEWS only has fans that are either elderly grandmas or five year olds who don’t know any better,” Jin sniffs, looking annoyed when Yamapi lets his morals get in the way of winning. “Your goody-goody image is completely keeping you from getting any of the hot girls,” he adds, just because.
Yamapi doesn’t look like he’s particularly interested in any of the hot girls who like getting slipped sleeping pills; he thinks that girls who like that probably have one of the many mental diseases he may have heard about whenever Tegoshi felt the need to read to NEWS from his book about psychological illnesses. He looks down at the bag and the pills again. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” he asks Jin, dubiously.
Jin makes an impatient noise in the back of his throat. “It’s never failed me before.”
Yamapi thinks about how cute Tegoshi would be sleeping and considers it more seriously.
In the meantime, outside in the room, they both hear it when Matsujun storms down the hallways in high dungeon. “Has anyone seen my roofies?” he asks, as normally as someone might ask the time.
A moment.
Then Yamapi quietly deposits the bag into the nearest trashcan.
Jin calls him a pussy.
5.
Ryo declares that his plan is the best, because it is the tried and true method that has worked on little kids for centuries. And since everyone knows that little kids are the people with the most energy in the world, this plan will definitely work on Tegoshi, who is admittedly a big kid, but still a kid nonetheless.
Koyama looks confused. “Muh?”
“Exhaustion,” Ryo explains, impatiently. “I’m going to exhaust him. I saw my sister do it with my nephew once. Put him out like a light.”
Shige warns him about exhausting himself in the process and making the entire effort moot, like Koyama’s botched heater plus classical music attempt.
Ryo snorts. “I’m not going to run a marathon with him or anything,” he explains. “I’ll make sure to exhaust him with something I’m really good at.”
The others consider this.
Then Koyama points in horror. “That? You’re going to exhaust him with, with…that?”
Ryo grins.
Shige states that he is disturbed and horrified that what Ryo is planning to do to Tegoshi was first prefaced with the words “tried and true method that works on little kids.”
“That can get you arrested, you know,” Shige tells him.
Ryo glares at him and tells him to stop being a moron. Minus five Shige points just because.
Shige sulks to himself and hopes Ryo’s penis gets sore and that he can’t use it properly for a month afterwards (while Koyama blinks in the background and asks what penises have to do with anything).
Ryo ignores Koyama and tells Shige that even if he can’t use it for a month, it will still be more useful than Shige’s ever was.
Shige frowns.
Plus five win for Ryo.
~~~~~
As it is, Ryo’s current record is thirty-six hours straight (with only two bathroom breaks in-between).
He’s pretty sure that Tegoshi is a noob in comparison, considering the fact that Ryo’s the one who introduced him to these heady pleasures in the first place, back all those years ago when Tegoshi had been nothing more than a wide-eyed virgin who spent all his time playing sports outdoors or lame RPGs on his Playstation.
Ryo knows that this is an exhaustion battle he’ll definitely, definitely win, if only by sheer experience alone.
Plus the proposition over dinner tonight had been a surprise, so it’s not like Tegoshi has had the time to prepare beforehand.
Ryo grins and parks his car in the garage.
Once they get to his apartment, Ryo wastes no time in backing Tegoshi inside and pushing him down onto his couch.
Tegoshi looks bemused at Ryo’s aggressive approach but allows it, perching anticipatorily on the edge and not saying a word.
“You ready?” the older idol asks after a breath, eyebrow arched in challenge.
Tegoshi grins confidently. “I’ve been practicing in my free time, you know.”
“I’ll bet,” Ryo snorts, and kneels down on the ground. He begins rooting around under the coffee table.
When he finally finds the two Xbox controllers, he stands back up and tosses one to Tegoshi.
Then he takes a seat on the couch next to his groupmate and powers on the console with the air of an artist at his canvas, confident that he still is, and will always be, the best Halo player in all of Johnny’s jimusho.
~~~~~
Twenty hours later, the Xbox overheats and freezes mid-battle.
“No!!!” both NEWS members shout in despair, the two of them viciously tied in the one-on-one victory count for the hundredth time that night.
They scowl and are forced to restart, previously magnificent scores turned back down to zero.
Incidentally, the competition gets fierce enough that Ryo forgets anything and everything about Tegoshi or sleeping or adorableness when they both end up blacking out sometime before mid-morning.
Subsequently, the Xbox dies in the line of duty.
6.
Tegoshi stumbles onto the Yamanade set the next morning, bleary-eyed and yawning from the ultimately unsatisfying events of the night before.
Kame looks sympathetic at the dark circles under his costar’s eyes, and in lieu of saying anything to Tegoshi, quietly tells the makeup artists to be extra generous on Yukinojo’s foundation today.
“What’s with him?” Uchi asks Kame in the meantime, as Tegoshi bumbles to hair and makeup. “Usually he’s so bright-eyed and bushytailed I want to kick him.”
The corners of Kame’s lips quirk into a small smile. “I heard that the rest of NEWS is trying to get him to fall asleep so they can watch him,” he explains.
“Creepy,” Uchi manages, once he processes that. “I bet it was Koyama’s idea.”
Kame shrugs. “From what Jin’s told me, no one’s succeeded yet, though.”
Silence.
Then, Uchi’s face slowly spreads into a grin. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”
Kame’s answering expression clearly says that he isn’t.
Uchi rolls his eyes and grabs him. “C’mon.”
~~~~~
Six hours later, everyone in NEWS simultaneously receives the same video mail from Tegoshi’s phone.
When they open it, Koyama lets out a gurgling shriek of adoration and runs around to everyone else to make sure they got it too.
They did.
Everyone stares at their screens as Tegoshi lies in the center of an elegantly decorated king-sized bed, curled up cutely under the covers and fast asleep.
“What? How? Who?” Shige sputters, though he can’t tear his eyes away.
The video eventually shifts to reveal Kame and Uchi, grinning triumphantly at the screen. “Winners!” they declare, making twin peace signs at the recipients as they do. “But since we’re gracious in victory, we thought we’d share the spoils.”
“And if you’re wondering,” Uchi explains after all the celebratory posing is done with, “the roofies really do work. Thanks, Kame.”
Kame blinks. “Wait, they weren’t mi…”
The video abruptly cuts off.
NEWS is left staring at their cell phones.
Five minutes later, Jin storms in waving his cell phone as well, where the image of Tegoshi’s sleeping face is also displayed.
“Told you!” he snaps, before turning around and stomping off again.
Silence, save for the angry echo of Jin’s boots slamming into the tiled hallway floor.
Then, “That’s awful,” Shige says.
“Immoral,” Koyama agrees.
“Idiotic,” Ryo adds.
Massu nods and puts a hand over his stomach. “I feel strange.”
Yamapi breathes through his mouth a few times.
Eventually, the five of them all surreptitiously hit replay on their phones.
END
EDITS?
Universe: JE/ NewS
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: NEWS (appearances by Uchi, Jin, Kame, and Matsujun)
Warnings/Spoilers: Crack, date rape, snipes against Twilight, the usual.
Word Count: 3,270
Summary: NEWS wants to watch Tegoshi sleep. In retrospect, they probably could have just asked.
Dedication: For dw9lives! Thanks for donating, bb! XD I know you didn’t ask for anything specific, but hopefully this will have some things for you to enjoy.
A/N: Another quick break from script writing that I desperately needed! Inspired by Koyama’s comment on this article as translated at hellomichi. Math stuff stolen blatantly from wikipedia.
Disclaimer: No harm or infringement intended.
Prologue
“That’s creepy,” Shige tells Koyama, immediately after he finishes reading the eldest member’s message to Tegoshi in their spring TV Pia interview. “I mean, who just sits around watching their groupmates sleep? I had to do a couple of readings in class about behaviors that lead to a restraining order getting filed against you. That was one of the surefire ones. Tegoshi could get a restraining order on you for being a creeper, and then how would this group continue to work?”
Koyama looks embarrassed.
“But that kind of thing was romantic in the vampire book I read,” Yamapi points out. “He just stared at her all night and millions of people around the world wished that they were the one he was watching.”
Koyama looks slightly vindicated with their leader’s support. “See?”
“That entire series is brain dead,” Ryo snorts. “Which explains why you read it.”
Yamapi blinks while Koyama sighs.
After that, everyone just looks at Koyama and thinks about restraining orders. Shige’s expression is judgmental and disapproving, Yamapi is sympathetic, and Ryo’s is vaguely amused. Massu, at least, just looks confused, like he can’t quite keep up with what their topic of discussion is if it doesn’t involve gyoza wrappers and the difference between the fold and seal technique or the straight up all-round pinch.
“But c’mon,” Koyama murmurs after a beat, desperate in his own defense, “just think about it! How cute it would be! You’d want to see that, right? Something that cute, you can’t not want to see it. You can’t blame me for thinking like I did.”
Shige moves to say something, but Koyama holds up a hand. “Just think about it,” he urges.
Everyone pauses to think about it.
“It’s Tego-nyan!” Koyama reminds them as they do. “Sleeping!”
His groupmates start to make considering faces. Shige’s looks particularly torn, stuck between morality and the promise of rainbow hearts and sparkles.
“It would be cute,” he sighs in defeat, reluctantly.
“Really cute,” Yamapi nods.
“Nnn…” Ryo mutters, and turns slightly red around the ears. He looks like someone had just phantom punched him in the gut a few times.
Massu just smiles, because if anything, Tegoshi is a subject he understands pretty well, even if it’s not as well as he understands dumplings. “It would definitely be something that would make your heart speed up and feel warm,” he allows.
A moment.
“I want to see it,” the five NEWS members eventually murmur to themselves, dreamily and all at once.
As they do, they all also share a brief, sideways look that Shige would later classify as incredibly creepy and definitely something a judge would issue multiple restraining orders against them for.
They begin to plan.
1.
Tegoshi shows up later in the day because his filming ran a little late, and when he does, he is greeted in the slightly warmer than usual dressing room by Koyama and the others. The soothing strains of classical music playing wafts into his ears from the radio nearby.
“That’s weird,” Tegoshi chirps by way of greeting, “did someone lose a bet to Shige?”
Shige scowls.
“It’s just soothing!” Koyama hastens to explain, before taking Tegoshi’s bag from him and urging him onto the couch, which has been decorated with some lavish looking throw pillows and silky blankets that Tegoshi can imagine KAT-TUN members decorating their houses with. Yamapi thinks this is appropriate, since he stole them all from Koki.
In the meantime, “Relax! Enjoy!” Koyama tells the youngest member as he sits, and even reaches down to pull Tegoshi’s legs up on the couch so he can stretch out a little on those nice cushions and fancy throws. “You must be really tired after your drama work!” the older idol adds, because this is his plan and even though Shige doesn’t think it will work but Koyama does, because being warm and listening to classical music put him to sleep all the time.
Tegoshi beams at Koyama’s thoughtfulness and general interest in his outside of NEWS work. “Filming was fun!” he announces, “Uchi put itching powder in Shun-chan’s shirt. I laughed really hard ne.”
“How exciting! Exciting stuff makes you sleepy, right?” Yamapi chimes in next, and makes Shige slap a hand to his forehead in the background in a gesture that accounts for minus eight subtlety points. Yamapi blinks. “So… you should take a nap before we start learning the new song! Naps are also exciting!” he adds next, in a hasty effort to get his points back.
But Shige’s face only says minus ten.
Tegoshi blinks politely at Yamapi for a minute before saying, “Is everything okay?”
“Yes!” everyone says.
“We're just trying to relax,” Shige explains. “To get into the right mindset before we learn this song.”
Tegoshi considers this. “That makes sense.”
Shige gets plus ten for being the smart one.
Ryo turns up the volume on the radio.
~~~~~
Twenty minutes later, everyone in the very warm room is snoring peacefully away.
Well, everyone except for Tegoshi, who isn’t really exhausted at all from his drama work. He thinks it’s probably because he’d gotten up at four this morning to play a few hours of soccer beforehand; he finds that getting his blood pumping with physical exercise in the early morning hours really helps him keep up his energy later.
Quietly, he covers his each of his groupmates with the fancy blankets on the couch and wonders what sort of strenuous work they had been doing earlier, to make them so tired.
He doesn’t know that it had been thinking, or otherwise he probably would have understood.
2.
Tegoshi is practicing the chorus harmony lines the next day when Shige sits down next to him with a huge textbook in his hands. Shige has been watching Tegoshi carefully all day and figures that this is his most opportune time to try and make the younger idol fall asleep, as Tegoshi already looks tired from last night’s late night filming for Yamanade and this morning’s early call for the drama’s circuit of TV promos.
“Do you know anything about Gödel's first incompleteness theorem?” Shige asks casually, as he flips open his textbook to the page he’d marked.
Tegoshi blinks blearily and stops mid-Sakura. “A little,” he admits.
Shige looks down at the textbook and reads. “Any effectively generated theory capable of expressing elementary arithmetic cannot be both consistent and complete. In particular, for any consistent, effectively generated formal theory that proves certain basic arithmetic truths, there is an arithmetical statement that is true but not provable in the theory.”
Tegoshi nods. “Okay.”
Shige keeps reading.
“For each consistent formal theory T having the required small amount of number theory, the corresponding Gödel sentence G asserts: “G cannot be proved to be true within the theory T." If G were provable under the axioms and rules of inference of T, then T would have a theorem, G, which effectively contradicts itself, and thus the theory T would be inconsistent. This means that if the theory T is consistent then G cannot be proved within it. This means that G's claim about its own improvability is correct; in this sense G is not only improvable but true. Thus provability-within-the-theory-T is not the same as truth; the theory T is incomplete. If G is true: G cannot be proved within the theory, and the theory is incomplete. If G is false: then G can be proved within the theory and then the theory is inconsistent, since G is both provable and refutable from T.”
Shige eyes Tegoshi hopefully; he remembers how this stuff had nearly put him in a coma while he’d learned them in a Foundations of Mathematics seminar last year, when he’d been under the mistaken idea that it would be an easy pass elective credit.
Tegoshi certainly looks like he’s not entirely with Shige already, so it must be working its same magic on him. Shige presses on, voice carefully monotone as he does.
“Each theory has its own Gödel statement. It is possible to define a larger theory T’ that contains the whole of T, plus G as an additional axiom. This will not result in a complete theory, because Gödel's theorem will also apply to T’, and thus T’ cannot be complete. In this case, G is indeed a theorem in T’, because it is an axiom. Since G states only that it is not provable in T, no contradiction is presented by its provability in T’. However, because the incompleteness theorem applies to T’: there will be a new Gödel statement G’ for T’, showing that T’ is also incomplete. G’ will differ from G in that G’ will refer to T’, rather than T.”
Silence.
Perfect.
Shige grins to himself and as he turns triumphantly sideways, expects to be rewarded for his efforts with a face full of adorable Tegoshi snoozing.
Instead, he gets a face full of adorable Tegoshi thinking.
“So,” Tegoshi begins, after a beat, “what Shige is saying is that the theorem works by saying that any formal system that includes enough of the theory of natural numbers actually has to be incomplete because there are true things involved with natural numbers that you can’t actually logically prove. So, no real system that wants to characterize natural numbers can actually do it fully, since there will be inherently true number-theoretical statements that they won’t ever be able to prove in the first place.”
Shige stares. “Yes,” he admits, eventually.
Tegoshi grins. “That’s neat,” he decides, looking much more alert now than he’d been earlier, while he’d been trudging through the chorus of a song he’d already perfected hours ago while waiting for Ryo to show up after finishing his movie shooting. “The world works in mysterious ways right?” He beams at Shige gratefully.
Shige nods, then very slowly closes his book and goes back to practicing his parts of the song.
3.
Tegoshi is worried Massu is sick when during the lunch break, Massu orders six plates of curry rice.
“No gyoza?” Tegoshi asks, and Massu looks momentarily mournful at the mention of his favorite thing on God’s green earth. But it is there and gone again in a second before Massu looks resolute and pushes the curry rice plates towards Tegoshi. All of them.
“I can’t eat all of that,” Tegoshi points out, slowly.
“Sure you can,” Massu assures him. “And then you’ll be in food coma and feel warm and happy and want to take a nap.”
From two chairs down, Shige does that look again, the one that means minus five points for you, Masuda Takahisa.
“I’ll just get sick and throw up,” Tegoshi reasons.
Massu stops, like he never actually considered this. “Really? From just this?”
Tegoshi nods solemnly.
Massu considers it. “Oh well,” he says, and takes the extra five plates for himself in gracious defeat.
By mid-afternoon, Massu is minus fifty subtlety points and plus five pounds; he happily leans back in food coma and figures that even if he didn’t actually succeed, he didn’t actually fail either.
4.
Because Jin is such a good friend, when he hears about NEWS’s attempts to get Tegoshi on his back (or stomach or side or however it is he sleeps), he decides to help Yamapi, because he likes it when Yamapi wins.
So in his inherent friendship and generosity, he takes time from his lunch break to come and visit Yamapi, handing Yamapi a well-used looking brown paper bag.
Yamapi blinks and peers into it. “Pills?” he asks.
Jin nods and grins in a secretive way. “Yup.”
Yamapi tries to figure out why Jin is giving him the smile equivalent of an elbow nudge and a wink. “Sleeping pills?” he formulates, a moment later.
Jin coughs. “Something like that.”
Yamapi considers this option. “I don’t know. That must be illegal. Shige was talking about restraining orders, and how stalking can get you one. I bet drugging can too.”
Jin rolls his eyes. “This is why NEWS only has fans that are either elderly grandmas or five year olds who don’t know any better,” Jin sniffs, looking annoyed when Yamapi lets his morals get in the way of winning. “Your goody-goody image is completely keeping you from getting any of the hot girls,” he adds, just because.
Yamapi doesn’t look like he’s particularly interested in any of the hot girls who like getting slipped sleeping pills; he thinks that girls who like that probably have one of the many mental diseases he may have heard about whenever Tegoshi felt the need to read to NEWS from his book about psychological illnesses. He looks down at the bag and the pills again. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” he asks Jin, dubiously.
Jin makes an impatient noise in the back of his throat. “It’s never failed me before.”
Yamapi thinks about how cute Tegoshi would be sleeping and considers it more seriously.
In the meantime, outside in the room, they both hear it when Matsujun storms down the hallways in high dungeon. “Has anyone seen my roofies?” he asks, as normally as someone might ask the time.
A moment.
Then Yamapi quietly deposits the bag into the nearest trashcan.
Jin calls him a pussy.
5.
Ryo declares that his plan is the best, because it is the tried and true method that has worked on little kids for centuries. And since everyone knows that little kids are the people with the most energy in the world, this plan will definitely work on Tegoshi, who is admittedly a big kid, but still a kid nonetheless.
Koyama looks confused. “Muh?”
“Exhaustion,” Ryo explains, impatiently. “I’m going to exhaust him. I saw my sister do it with my nephew once. Put him out like a light.”
Shige warns him about exhausting himself in the process and making the entire effort moot, like Koyama’s botched heater plus classical music attempt.
Ryo snorts. “I’m not going to run a marathon with him or anything,” he explains. “I’ll make sure to exhaust him with something I’m really good at.”
The others consider this.
Then Koyama points in horror. “That? You’re going to exhaust him with, with…that?”
Ryo grins.
Shige states that he is disturbed and horrified that what Ryo is planning to do to Tegoshi was first prefaced with the words “tried and true method that works on little kids.”
“That can get you arrested, you know,” Shige tells him.
Ryo glares at him and tells him to stop being a moron. Minus five Shige points just because.
Shige sulks to himself and hopes Ryo’s penis gets sore and that he can’t use it properly for a month afterwards (while Koyama blinks in the background and asks what penises have to do with anything).
Ryo ignores Koyama and tells Shige that even if he can’t use it for a month, it will still be more useful than Shige’s ever was.
Shige frowns.
Plus five win for Ryo.
~~~~~
As it is, Ryo’s current record is thirty-six hours straight (with only two bathroom breaks in-between).
He’s pretty sure that Tegoshi is a noob in comparison, considering the fact that Ryo’s the one who introduced him to these heady pleasures in the first place, back all those years ago when Tegoshi had been nothing more than a wide-eyed virgin who spent all his time playing sports outdoors or lame RPGs on his Playstation.
Ryo knows that this is an exhaustion battle he’ll definitely, definitely win, if only by sheer experience alone.
Plus the proposition over dinner tonight had been a surprise, so it’s not like Tegoshi has had the time to prepare beforehand.
Ryo grins and parks his car in the garage.
Once they get to his apartment, Ryo wastes no time in backing Tegoshi inside and pushing him down onto his couch.
Tegoshi looks bemused at Ryo’s aggressive approach but allows it, perching anticipatorily on the edge and not saying a word.
“You ready?” the older idol asks after a breath, eyebrow arched in challenge.
Tegoshi grins confidently. “I’ve been practicing in my free time, you know.”
“I’ll bet,” Ryo snorts, and kneels down on the ground. He begins rooting around under the coffee table.
When he finally finds the two Xbox controllers, he stands back up and tosses one to Tegoshi.
Then he takes a seat on the couch next to his groupmate and powers on the console with the air of an artist at his canvas, confident that he still is, and will always be, the best Halo player in all of Johnny’s jimusho.
~~~~~
Twenty hours later, the Xbox overheats and freezes mid-battle.
“No!!!” both NEWS members shout in despair, the two of them viciously tied in the one-on-one victory count for the hundredth time that night.
They scowl and are forced to restart, previously magnificent scores turned back down to zero.
Incidentally, the competition gets fierce enough that Ryo forgets anything and everything about Tegoshi or sleeping or adorableness when they both end up blacking out sometime before mid-morning.
Subsequently, the Xbox dies in the line of duty.
6.
Tegoshi stumbles onto the Yamanade set the next morning, bleary-eyed and yawning from the ultimately unsatisfying events of the night before.
Kame looks sympathetic at the dark circles under his costar’s eyes, and in lieu of saying anything to Tegoshi, quietly tells the makeup artists to be extra generous on Yukinojo’s foundation today.
“What’s with him?” Uchi asks Kame in the meantime, as Tegoshi bumbles to hair and makeup. “Usually he’s so bright-eyed and bushytailed I want to kick him.”
The corners of Kame’s lips quirk into a small smile. “I heard that the rest of NEWS is trying to get him to fall asleep so they can watch him,” he explains.
“Creepy,” Uchi manages, once he processes that. “I bet it was Koyama’s idea.”
Kame shrugs. “From what Jin’s told me, no one’s succeeded yet, though.”
Silence.
Then, Uchi’s face slowly spreads into a grin. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”
Kame’s answering expression clearly says that he isn’t.
Uchi rolls his eyes and grabs him. “C’mon.”
~~~~~
Six hours later, everyone in NEWS simultaneously receives the same video mail from Tegoshi’s phone.
When they open it, Koyama lets out a gurgling shriek of adoration and runs around to everyone else to make sure they got it too.
They did.
Everyone stares at their screens as Tegoshi lies in the center of an elegantly decorated king-sized bed, curled up cutely under the covers and fast asleep.
“What? How? Who?” Shige sputters, though he can’t tear his eyes away.
The video eventually shifts to reveal Kame and Uchi, grinning triumphantly at the screen. “Winners!” they declare, making twin peace signs at the recipients as they do. “But since we’re gracious in victory, we thought we’d share the spoils.”
“And if you’re wondering,” Uchi explains after all the celebratory posing is done with, “the roofies really do work. Thanks, Kame.”
Kame blinks. “Wait, they weren’t mi…”
The video abruptly cuts off.
NEWS is left staring at their cell phones.
Five minutes later, Jin storms in waving his cell phone as well, where the image of Tegoshi’s sleeping face is also displayed.
“Told you!” he snaps, before turning around and stomping off again.
Silence, save for the angry echo of Jin’s boots slamming into the tiled hallway floor.
Then, “That’s awful,” Shige says.
“Immoral,” Koyama agrees.
“Idiotic,” Ryo adds.
Massu nods and puts a hand over his stomach. “I feel strange.”
Yamapi breathes through his mouth a few times.
Eventually, the five of them all surreptitiously hit replay on their phones.
END
EDITS?