JE/NewS- "Emergency Restructuring"
I SWEAR I ONLY WROTE THIS AS A QUICK BIRTHDAY PRESENT. I WAS NOT ENTERTAINING MYSELF IN ANY WAY BY WRITING THIS.
Title: Emergency Restructuring
Universe: JE/NewS
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-15
Character/Pairing/s: Everyone (light mentions of RyoxUchi)
Warnings/Spoilers: UH RPF? GOD THIS IS CRACK.
Word Count: 1,780
Summary: NewS loses two members. Koyama adjusts.
Dedication: Joanne- HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I kind of wrote this too fast so it is retarded, but I hope you have a good day despite it. XD
A/N: I was going to write Joanne Masuda fic but I have NO IDEA how to write him and Koyama is so much more diabolical and fun so this is what I ended up turning out anyway. I’m SORRY. Next time maybe KAT-TUN fic to offset the fact that I didn’t use your favorite characters all that much, Jo? >>
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.
The day Uchi and Kusano were suspended for drinking was the biggest day of crisis in all of NewS’s (admittedly short) history.
Ryo, predictably, killed a lot of kittens in the following weeks. And Yamapi was finally forced to realize that Kusano and Shige were in fact, not the same person. Sort of.
“Weird,” was all that he had to say on the matter. “That’s so weird. I mean, really? Really?”
No one paid him any mind.
Koyama of course, was the only one of the stricken lot who could properly take charge of the situation and do what needed to be done to keep them going forward as a group. And so he stepped up to the plate, and in the band’s greatest moment of need, provided the much-needed voice of reason for all. “We have to restructure,” he began, patiently. “Now. This is an emergency.”
Tegoshi blinked, sweet and innocent and still teary-eyed for his banished bandmates’ sakes. “We were all getting along so well,” he sniffled, and Masuda patted him on the back with one hand while eating a chocolate bar with the other.
“These things happen.” He even offered Tegoshi some chocolate, which meant a lot, all things considered.
Koyama rubbed his temples. “I don’t think any of you understand the full implications of what this suspension means for the rest of us exactly,” he reiterated.
Yamapi was too busy poking Shige in the face. “But it looks the same!” he protested. “Are you sure this isn’t a trick of the light?”
“Please don’t poke me,” Shige said.
Yamapi drew back his hand and turned to Koyama. “Are you sure…”
“We are a boy band!” Koyama shouted, loud enough to get everyone’s attention. “And we are now missing our slut and our bad boy. THIS IS CRITICAL.”
Silence.
Some blinks.
Tegoshi’s tears on the front of Masuda’s shirt.
Yamapi poking Shige in the face.
Koyama sighed. “Look. It means our overall aesthetic is incomplete.”
Silence.
More Tegoshi tears.
Shige slapping Yamapi’s hand from his face.
Ryo from his seat in the back of the room, rocking himself gently. Occasionally he would stab a pen through a sheet of plain white paper-repeatedly.
“And if we want to fix it, it means double-duty for more of us!” Koyama finally filled in when no one spoke, and at least this time, got a couple of “ohhhhs,” in response.
Shige raised his hand. “That means we need to adjust pairs too?”
“Yes,” Koyama said, and was glad that Shige wasn’t that dumb even if he couldn’t sing or dance all that well. He had to be good at something, after all.
“Yamapi can be the slut,” Shige suggested, and slapped Yamapi’s hand from his face again. “He’s got the hips.”
Koyama shook his head. “Nope, he’s the front man.”
Masuda blinked. “There’s a difference?”
“Yes,” Koyama huffed, impatiently. “It means he does all the talking and when shit goes wrong it’s his fault.”
“I’m sorry!” Yamapi said by rote.
Koyama gestured-case in point. “See? He’s front man. He’s good at it.”
A pause.
Koyama didn’t wait for them all to catch up with him, because no one on this earth had time for that. “Well, I can’t do it. I’m already the pervert-slash-big-brother-figure.”
A few nods.
“And Shige can’t do it because no one would sleep with him anyway.”
A few more nods. Shige sighed.
“Ryo’s psychotic.”
In the back, Ryo stabbed his paper a few more times, and then burst out in a mixture of laugher and tears, occasionally murmuring Uchi’s name in between the two.
Koyama moved on. “Masuda can’t mix boy-next-door with slut, it just doesn’t work. And his range isn’t that good.”
“Hey,” Masu said around a mouthful of chocolate and almonds.
Tegoshi looked up then, round face streaked with tears. “Masu can do anything he puts his mind to,” the smallest member piped up, cheeks flushed from crying and water still pooled in his big, helpless looking eyes.
Koyama turned to Tegoshi, about to explain why it wouldn’t work, but ended up just staring instead.
And then he made a frame with his hands and put Tegoshi’s face right in the middle of it.
Changed angles a few times just to be sure.
Yamapi tried to copy him to see what the fuss was, but couldn’t figure out which thumb went where to make the box right.
“Perfect!” Koyama exclaimed after a minute, and slapped his leg in relief. “Oh Tegoshi, you’re perfect. Especially when you cry.”
Tegoshi blinked. “E-eh? I’m not… I mean… what?”
Koyama sat down next to him and hooked an arm around those narrow shoulders, pulling the other boy’s slight frame in, closer to his lanky one. “From now on you’ve got to be the slut of NewS.”
Big eyes grew impossibly wider. “Me? B-but…”
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Koyama soothed, and petted the younger boy’s hair. “The baby and the slut can be the same thing. It’s ingenious. I’m a genius. Ha!”
Tegoshi hunched his shoulders and squirmed in his seat a little, clearly uncomfortable under everyone else’s sudden and intense scrutiny. “I’m not…I mean, I’m not as pretty as…”
“Don’t say that,” Koyama interrupted, and squeezed Tegoshi closer still. “I want to fuck you right now, I mean it. You’re that adorable.”
Blush. “R-really?”
“Yeah, really. It’ll be fine. So now you’re the slut too, okay?”
“NO ONE REPLACES UCHI,” Ryo shouted, and looked like he was actually going to leap down and stab Koyama in the neck with his stabby-pen for implicating such a thing.
Koyama held up his hands defensively. “It’s just temporary, Ryo. Go to your happy place.”
“My happy place,” Ryo murmured, and the unfocused nature of his eyes changed a little bit at the thought. “My happy place.”
“Right. Go there and play there and bunny rabbits and candy canes. Rainbow stars, funny hats, sing-along,” Koyama soothed, and waited until Ryo was too far gone to try and kill him anymore.
“Everyone is crazy,” Shige sighed, looking hopeless. “Why am I here?”
“Why are you here? You’re suspended, aren’t you?” Yamapi asked, and poked Shige in the cheek again. “But I’m glad you didn’t leave!”
“KUSANO AND I ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON.”
“Really?” Pause. “Wait no…really? Are you lying?”
Koyama put a hand on Yamapi’s head and shook it a little. “Focus.”
“Sorry!” Yamapi said, by rote.
He really was a pretty good front man.
“Now…” Koyama began, and looked around thoughtfully, “bad boy…bad boy…bad boy…” True, it would be hard to find anyone who could match Kusano’s ability for sheer idiocy amongst this lot, but it had to be done for the sake of having the proper boy band dynamics. Otherwise they just wouldn’t make it out there. The Japanese media was a cruel hard world after all.
Again, Koyama decided Yamapi couldn’t do it because being a front man meant being apologetic and being a bad boy meant being tough and the two just clashed in terms of lifestyle choices (and outfit styles, and the costume designer would KILL THEM if it ever came to that).
Shige was too intelligent looking to pull it off (and to be honest, his rap sucked).
Tegoshi could be a bad boy’s girlfriend maybe, but otherwise…no.
Masuda smiled too much.
Ryo…
…ended up stabbing his piece of paper again and muttering something like, “I’ll kill all the little bunnies and cook them in a delicious soup for you, Uchi, don’t worry,” as he spent some more quality time in his happy place.
“I nominate Ryo,” Koyama said, after a beat.
Yamapi raised his hand too. “And I would like a bunny also. But not dead, please.”
Koyama ignored him. “Alright… now that that’s settled. Pair restructuring?”
“Wouldn’t it just be easier to put Yamapi and Ryo together?” Shige suggested. “Since they both lost their partners.”
Ryo sobbed despondently in the background.
Tegoshi sympathy-sobbed alongside him in the foreground, and sounded prettier doing it than Ryo did.
Koyama sighed, and was too tired to try and worm his way out of being paired with Kato anymore, even if that had been the initial plan. “I guess that works.”
“But you’re still here!” Yamapi protested to Shige. He wrapped his arms around the other boy protectively. “Don’t leave. Are you leaving?”
“I AM NOT KUSANO.”
A moment.
“Wait…really?” Pause. “I mean… really?”
“YES.”
“I miss Kusano-san,” Tegoshi murmured, and wiped at his eyes with the backs of his hands.
Masuda blinked. “Didn’t he always steal your bentos and hang you up on the wall by your underwear and throw tennis balls at your face?”
“We were like family!” Tegoshi sobbed.
Masuda shrugged and ate his chocolate.
Koyama, having said his piece, simply gave up on trying to communicate with the lot and instead, looked everyone over one more time. It would definitely be hard without Uchi and Kusano around, he decided, but it wasn’t completely undoable as far as the undoable went.
They’d all just have to change, adapt, grow, and wait for their bandmates’ triumphant return one day in the (far, far) future.
They were NewS. And despite the fact that most of them were idiots, Koyama knew that they were all determined idiots, and that they could pull this off if only they all just resolved to try their best no matter what happened. The situation was bad, but it wasn’t anywhere near hopeless.
And truth be told, better them than anyone else they knew. Because when Koyama looked at it objectively, if it had been any of the other JE groups that had lost their sluts (and bad boys), the recovery would have been-quite frankly- impossible.
Like (for example), he shuddered to think what would happen to KAT-TUN if they ever lost Akanishi.
Lucky for everyone that hadn’t been the case (and he prayed that it would never be, because if it did happen, then the remaining KT-TUN would be so screwed).
As for NewS, Koyama had faith that with a little time and a lot of work, Tegoshi would one day become the premiere slut that everyone knew he could be and that Ryo would have the potential to bust a cap in someone’s ass without any hesitation (or pausing to stab them with a not-very-manly pen instead).
Koyama, as the older-brother-figure (slash-pervert), would see to it that everything worked out to be like that in the end.
It was his job in the group, after all.
And hey, if things (for whatever reason) did end up going horribly, terribly wrong, he wasn’t the one who had to apologize for it all in the end anyway.
Thank god for aesthetics.
END
EDITS PLZ.
Title: Emergency Restructuring
Universe: JE/NewS
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-15
Character/Pairing/s: Everyone (light mentions of RyoxUchi)
Warnings/Spoilers: UH RPF? GOD THIS IS CRACK.
Word Count: 1,780
Summary: NewS loses two members. Koyama adjusts.
Dedication: Joanne- HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I kind of wrote this too fast so it is retarded, but I hope you have a good day despite it. XD
A/N: I was going to write Joanne Masuda fic but I have NO IDEA how to write him and Koyama is so much more diabolical and fun so this is what I ended up turning out anyway. I’m SORRY. Next time maybe KAT-TUN fic to offset the fact that I didn’t use your favorite characters all that much, Jo? >>
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.
The day Uchi and Kusano were suspended for drinking was the biggest day of crisis in all of NewS’s (admittedly short) history.
Ryo, predictably, killed a lot of kittens in the following weeks. And Yamapi was finally forced to realize that Kusano and Shige were in fact, not the same person. Sort of.
“Weird,” was all that he had to say on the matter. “That’s so weird. I mean, really? Really?”
No one paid him any mind.
Koyama of course, was the only one of the stricken lot who could properly take charge of the situation and do what needed to be done to keep them going forward as a group. And so he stepped up to the plate, and in the band’s greatest moment of need, provided the much-needed voice of reason for all. “We have to restructure,” he began, patiently. “Now. This is an emergency.”
Tegoshi blinked, sweet and innocent and still teary-eyed for his banished bandmates’ sakes. “We were all getting along so well,” he sniffled, and Masuda patted him on the back with one hand while eating a chocolate bar with the other.
“These things happen.” He even offered Tegoshi some chocolate, which meant a lot, all things considered.
Koyama rubbed his temples. “I don’t think any of you understand the full implications of what this suspension means for the rest of us exactly,” he reiterated.
Yamapi was too busy poking Shige in the face. “But it looks the same!” he protested. “Are you sure this isn’t a trick of the light?”
“Please don’t poke me,” Shige said.
Yamapi drew back his hand and turned to Koyama. “Are you sure…”
“We are a boy band!” Koyama shouted, loud enough to get everyone’s attention. “And we are now missing our slut and our bad boy. THIS IS CRITICAL.”
Silence.
Some blinks.
Tegoshi’s tears on the front of Masuda’s shirt.
Yamapi poking Shige in the face.
Koyama sighed. “Look. It means our overall aesthetic is incomplete.”
Silence.
More Tegoshi tears.
Shige slapping Yamapi’s hand from his face.
Ryo from his seat in the back of the room, rocking himself gently. Occasionally he would stab a pen through a sheet of plain white paper-repeatedly.
“And if we want to fix it, it means double-duty for more of us!” Koyama finally filled in when no one spoke, and at least this time, got a couple of “ohhhhs,” in response.
Shige raised his hand. “That means we need to adjust pairs too?”
“Yes,” Koyama said, and was glad that Shige wasn’t that dumb even if he couldn’t sing or dance all that well. He had to be good at something, after all.
“Yamapi can be the slut,” Shige suggested, and slapped Yamapi’s hand from his face again. “He’s got the hips.”
Koyama shook his head. “Nope, he’s the front man.”
Masuda blinked. “There’s a difference?”
“Yes,” Koyama huffed, impatiently. “It means he does all the talking and when shit goes wrong it’s his fault.”
“I’m sorry!” Yamapi said by rote.
Koyama gestured-case in point. “See? He’s front man. He’s good at it.”
A pause.
Koyama didn’t wait for them all to catch up with him, because no one on this earth had time for that. “Well, I can’t do it. I’m already the pervert-slash-big-brother-figure.”
A few nods.
“And Shige can’t do it because no one would sleep with him anyway.”
A few more nods. Shige sighed.
“Ryo’s psychotic.”
In the back, Ryo stabbed his paper a few more times, and then burst out in a mixture of laugher and tears, occasionally murmuring Uchi’s name in between the two.
Koyama moved on. “Masuda can’t mix boy-next-door with slut, it just doesn’t work. And his range isn’t that good.”
“Hey,” Masu said around a mouthful of chocolate and almonds.
Tegoshi looked up then, round face streaked with tears. “Masu can do anything he puts his mind to,” the smallest member piped up, cheeks flushed from crying and water still pooled in his big, helpless looking eyes.
Koyama turned to Tegoshi, about to explain why it wouldn’t work, but ended up just staring instead.
And then he made a frame with his hands and put Tegoshi’s face right in the middle of it.
Changed angles a few times just to be sure.
Yamapi tried to copy him to see what the fuss was, but couldn’t figure out which thumb went where to make the box right.
“Perfect!” Koyama exclaimed after a minute, and slapped his leg in relief. “Oh Tegoshi, you’re perfect. Especially when you cry.”
Tegoshi blinked. “E-eh? I’m not… I mean… what?”
Koyama sat down next to him and hooked an arm around those narrow shoulders, pulling the other boy’s slight frame in, closer to his lanky one. “From now on you’ve got to be the slut of NewS.”
Big eyes grew impossibly wider. “Me? B-but…”
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Koyama soothed, and petted the younger boy’s hair. “The baby and the slut can be the same thing. It’s ingenious. I’m a genius. Ha!”
Tegoshi hunched his shoulders and squirmed in his seat a little, clearly uncomfortable under everyone else’s sudden and intense scrutiny. “I’m not…I mean, I’m not as pretty as…”
“Don’t say that,” Koyama interrupted, and squeezed Tegoshi closer still. “I want to fuck you right now, I mean it. You’re that adorable.”
Blush. “R-really?”
“Yeah, really. It’ll be fine. So now you’re the slut too, okay?”
“NO ONE REPLACES UCHI,” Ryo shouted, and looked like he was actually going to leap down and stab Koyama in the neck with his stabby-pen for implicating such a thing.
Koyama held up his hands defensively. “It’s just temporary, Ryo. Go to your happy place.”
“My happy place,” Ryo murmured, and the unfocused nature of his eyes changed a little bit at the thought. “My happy place.”
“Right. Go there and play there and bunny rabbits and candy canes. Rainbow stars, funny hats, sing-along,” Koyama soothed, and waited until Ryo was too far gone to try and kill him anymore.
“Everyone is crazy,” Shige sighed, looking hopeless. “Why am I here?”
“Why are you here? You’re suspended, aren’t you?” Yamapi asked, and poked Shige in the cheek again. “But I’m glad you didn’t leave!”
“KUSANO AND I ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON.”
“Really?” Pause. “Wait no…really? Are you lying?”
Koyama put a hand on Yamapi’s head and shook it a little. “Focus.”
“Sorry!” Yamapi said, by rote.
He really was a pretty good front man.
“Now…” Koyama began, and looked around thoughtfully, “bad boy…bad boy…bad boy…” True, it would be hard to find anyone who could match Kusano’s ability for sheer idiocy amongst this lot, but it had to be done for the sake of having the proper boy band dynamics. Otherwise they just wouldn’t make it out there. The Japanese media was a cruel hard world after all.
Again, Koyama decided Yamapi couldn’t do it because being a front man meant being apologetic and being a bad boy meant being tough and the two just clashed in terms of lifestyle choices (and outfit styles, and the costume designer would KILL THEM if it ever came to that).
Shige was too intelligent looking to pull it off (and to be honest, his rap sucked).
Tegoshi could be a bad boy’s girlfriend maybe, but otherwise…no.
Masuda smiled too much.
Ryo…
…ended up stabbing his piece of paper again and muttering something like, “I’ll kill all the little bunnies and cook them in a delicious soup for you, Uchi, don’t worry,” as he spent some more quality time in his happy place.
“I nominate Ryo,” Koyama said, after a beat.
Yamapi raised his hand too. “And I would like a bunny also. But not dead, please.”
Koyama ignored him. “Alright… now that that’s settled. Pair restructuring?”
“Wouldn’t it just be easier to put Yamapi and Ryo together?” Shige suggested. “Since they both lost their partners.”
Ryo sobbed despondently in the background.
Tegoshi sympathy-sobbed alongside him in the foreground, and sounded prettier doing it than Ryo did.
Koyama sighed, and was too tired to try and worm his way out of being paired with Kato anymore, even if that had been the initial plan. “I guess that works.”
“But you’re still here!” Yamapi protested to Shige. He wrapped his arms around the other boy protectively. “Don’t leave. Are you leaving?”
“I AM NOT KUSANO.”
A moment.
“Wait…really?” Pause. “I mean… really?”
“YES.”
“I miss Kusano-san,” Tegoshi murmured, and wiped at his eyes with the backs of his hands.
Masuda blinked. “Didn’t he always steal your bentos and hang you up on the wall by your underwear and throw tennis balls at your face?”
“We were like family!” Tegoshi sobbed.
Masuda shrugged and ate his chocolate.
Koyama, having said his piece, simply gave up on trying to communicate with the lot and instead, looked everyone over one more time. It would definitely be hard without Uchi and Kusano around, he decided, but it wasn’t completely undoable as far as the undoable went.
They’d all just have to change, adapt, grow, and wait for their bandmates’ triumphant return one day in the (far, far) future.
They were NewS. And despite the fact that most of them were idiots, Koyama knew that they were all determined idiots, and that they could pull this off if only they all just resolved to try their best no matter what happened. The situation was bad, but it wasn’t anywhere near hopeless.
And truth be told, better them than anyone else they knew. Because when Koyama looked at it objectively, if it had been any of the other JE groups that had lost their sluts (and bad boys), the recovery would have been-quite frankly- impossible.
Like (for example), he shuddered to think what would happen to KAT-TUN if they ever lost Akanishi.
Lucky for everyone that hadn’t been the case (and he prayed that it would never be, because if it did happen, then the remaining KT-TUN would be so screwed).
As for NewS, Koyama had faith that with a little time and a lot of work, Tegoshi would one day become the premiere slut that everyone knew he could be and that Ryo would have the potential to bust a cap in someone’s ass without any hesitation (or pausing to stab them with a not-very-manly pen instead).
Koyama, as the older-brother-figure (slash-pervert), would see to it that everything worked out to be like that in the end.
It was his job in the group, after all.
And hey, if things (for whatever reason) did end up going horribly, terribly wrong, he wasn’t the one who had to apologize for it all in the end anyway.
Thank god for aesthetics.
END
EDITS PLZ.