One Piece- "Diseased"
LOL Retarded speed fic go!!
Title: Diseased
Universe: One Piece
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: Zoro, Chopper, Nami, Robin, Luffy, Usopp Sanji (light ZoroxSanji)
Warnings/Spoilers: None I can imagine
Word Count: 1,270
Summary: Switch-Switch verse fic- Zoro is wounded.
Dedication: kotszok- anything with blood and Zoro is for you, love. XD
A/N: LOL I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THIS. And it is kind of rushed because I have to leave for class, but I HOPE it is enjoyable anyway. LOL
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.
Zoro woke up covered in blood.
He felt like he’d been stabbed.
Which, to be fair, wasn’t an unusual occurrence exactly considering his lifestyle choices, but even still, he couldn’t remember being wounded the night before in any sort of battle. He did however, remember wanting to grab that stupid-ass love cook by the throat a little more than usual yesterday (so he could shake him to death). Which, in retrospect, he supposed was grounds enough to blame as a possible cause for the injury, considering how much the chef liked to hit him.
But he was pretty sure that-while he’d wanted to- he just hadn’t had the energy to actually follow through with shaking the cream puff to death last night. It had all really been in his head at best. And last time he'd checked, fantasizing about things didn’t actually make them happen in real life (though wouldn’t it be neat if it did?).
So it still didn’t explain the blood or the mind numbing pain, though it was the closest thing he could imagine that might have caused his condition.
Weird.
Right, first thing was first.
Zoro hissed and climbed out of his hammock, figuring he ought to maybe stem the flow before sitting around trying to figure out what had happened. He ambled towards the infirmary and hoped Chopper might have some sort of explanation or something.
Five minutes later, the doctor blinked up at Zoro as the swordsman ambled into his makeshift infirmary without so much as a how-do-you-do. “Zoro?” the small reindeer asked tentatively, a mixture of surprise and concern. Zoro didn’t like the infirmary.
“Bleeding,” Zoro explained, looking more disgruntled than usual. “Fix it.”
“O-okay,” the doctor responded quickly, inviting Roronoa to sit down on the examination table. “Where are you cut?”
Zoro pointed at his crotch.
Chopper stared.
“Fix it,” Zoro reiterated. “Er, please,” he added, when he realized Chopper would probably have to get some sharp pointy things near his private bits in order to properly examine the injury. He didn’t want the doctor disgruntled if that was going to happen, after all.
Silence.
And just when Zoro was beginning to lose his patience, “I’M SORRY ZORO I CAN’T FIX THAT!”
Zoro blinked. He hadn’t expected that. Maybe a “What did you DO?” or a “This looks bad” at the very worst, but not an outright refusal to help. “What, really?”
Chopper, pink-faced, nodded. And then gestured towards the mirror in the back of the room, next to the little reindeer’s life-sized anatomy model (a gift from Robin).
Zoro stared into the mirror. Long hair and long eye-lashes stared back at him. He decided he really needed to buy a bra or stop wearing white t-shirts if this was going to happen all the time.
“Yeah,” he said, and turned back to Chopper. “I know I’m all girly right now. So?”
Chopper stared. “You mean…” the reindeer made a vague gesture. “You don’t…”
“I don’t see what it has to do with me bleeding all over the place.” Zoro simply figured he’d woken up in female form because blood had water in it, and it became cold while he’d been bleeding-slash-sleeping and here we were.
Chopper cleared his throat. “Girls um… sometimes… that is, it’s just a natural um, occurrence… and I uh… you’re going to bleed.”
Zoro blinked. “Huh?”
Chopper squirmed. “That is… you can’t stop it… it’s how nature works and um… so you’re going to bleed for a couple of days. Probably five or six.”
The swordsman’s eyebrows darted up. “For a couple of days?” Pause. Swallow. “Am I dying?” He could only surmise that it was some sort of bleeding disease or something, and fuck it if it was fatal, he was not going out like that.
“No!” Chopper rushed to assure him. “You bleed but you don’t die from it.”
Zoro had stabbing pains in his stomach that told him otherwise, and he wasn’t sure how much he believed Chopper’s assurance that he wasn’t going to croak from whatever it was that had cut him, even if the little guy was a doctor. Zoro had never seen anything bleed for five days and not die, after all.
Plus, his stomach really hurt.
“Are you sure I’m not going to…”
“Yes,” Chopper promised. “It won’t kill you.” He paused, read the skeptical look on the swordsman’s face properly. “Uh! You’ve bled a whole lot more than this before and lived, right?”
Zoro thought about that.
“Yeah, I guess.”
The reindeer sighed in relief.
And then, “So, what do I do?”
Chopper blinked. “Um, maybe you could t-talk to Robin, or Nami about what they do when er, when it comes?”
Zoro stared. “You mean it happens to them too?” His eyes narrowed. They’d probably given it to him in the first place. Diseases were contagious on small ships, after all. “Every month?”
Chopper nodded, slowly.
Well, Zoro supposed that explained a lot about them. He’d be made of iron if he had to do this once a month for the rest of his life too.
Luckily, that wasn’t the case.
Because from everything Chopper had been telling him, he was pretty sure he had a cure for whatever illness he’d come down with this morning.
Zoro took a deep breath. “Right. I’m gonna go boil some water,” he said after a minute, and decided that he would like his penis back now. It was trusty and strong and faithful, and had never bled like a wimp on him before or caught any retarded monthly diseases that didn’t kill you. He supposed he knew where the term “don’t be a pussy” came from now though. Stupid pussy and its diseases with blood.
He stood and trudged towards the bathroom.
Later, when he poured hot water all over himself and nothing happened, Chopper theorized that it was a biological entity he’d just have to wait out from month to month, which was why he’d woken up as a girl despite going to bed a man in the first place.
Sanji cooed and twirled and made him soothing teas and little girly-girl sandwiches and promised to do whatever he could to make Lola-chan more comfortable. Zoro scowled and told him to fuck off.
When the chef only sighed sympathetically and pat the swordsman’s hair, saying something about “PMS” and “Poor Mellorine,” Zoro punched him in the face hard (though he wasn’t sure why that had pissed him off so bad).
Nami and Robin shot him sympathetic looks all through dinner after that, and Zoro thought he would never get over the little lesson they’d given him earlier that afternoon-one that had involved some mortifying decisions and ultimately, closing his eyes, gritting his teeth, and going with choice number two with its plastic applicators used for putting tab B into slot A.
And while everyone made a conscious effort to try and cheer him up about his little predicament throughout the remainder of the evening (only succeeding in making him even more irritable), it was Chopper’s innocently optimistic comment that made the blood in his veins run absolutely cold.
“I guess this means you can have babies after all, Zoro! Isn’t that great?”
Sanji passed out from sheer and utter joy.
Luffy laughed and thought Zoro would look funny fat and Usopp vowed to be the best uncle ever, ever.
Zoro glared at them all from his seat and realized that after all these years of thinking otherwise, he’d actually been very, very wrong. Men and women weren’t really equals like he’d always believed they were.
Men were dumb.
END
EDITS NEEDED LIKE WOAH.
Title: Diseased
Universe: One Piece
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: Zoro, Chopper, Nami, Robin, Luffy, Usopp Sanji (light ZoroxSanji)
Warnings/Spoilers: None I can imagine
Word Count: 1,270
Summary: Switch-Switch verse fic- Zoro is wounded.
Dedication: kotszok- anything with blood and Zoro is for you, love. XD
A/N: LOL I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THIS. And it is kind of rushed because I have to leave for class, but I HOPE it is enjoyable anyway. LOL
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.
Zoro woke up covered in blood.
He felt like he’d been stabbed.
Which, to be fair, wasn’t an unusual occurrence exactly considering his lifestyle choices, but even still, he couldn’t remember being wounded the night before in any sort of battle. He did however, remember wanting to grab that stupid-ass love cook by the throat a little more than usual yesterday (so he could shake him to death). Which, in retrospect, he supposed was grounds enough to blame as a possible cause for the injury, considering how much the chef liked to hit him.
But he was pretty sure that-while he’d wanted to- he just hadn’t had the energy to actually follow through with shaking the cream puff to death last night. It had all really been in his head at best. And last time he'd checked, fantasizing about things didn’t actually make them happen in real life (though wouldn’t it be neat if it did?).
So it still didn’t explain the blood or the mind numbing pain, though it was the closest thing he could imagine that might have caused his condition.
Weird.
Right, first thing was first.
Zoro hissed and climbed out of his hammock, figuring he ought to maybe stem the flow before sitting around trying to figure out what had happened. He ambled towards the infirmary and hoped Chopper might have some sort of explanation or something.
Five minutes later, the doctor blinked up at Zoro as the swordsman ambled into his makeshift infirmary without so much as a how-do-you-do. “Zoro?” the small reindeer asked tentatively, a mixture of surprise and concern. Zoro didn’t like the infirmary.
“Bleeding,” Zoro explained, looking more disgruntled than usual. “Fix it.”
“O-okay,” the doctor responded quickly, inviting Roronoa to sit down on the examination table. “Where are you cut?”
Zoro pointed at his crotch.
Chopper stared.
“Fix it,” Zoro reiterated. “Er, please,” he added, when he realized Chopper would probably have to get some sharp pointy things near his private bits in order to properly examine the injury. He didn’t want the doctor disgruntled if that was going to happen, after all.
Silence.
And just when Zoro was beginning to lose his patience, “I’M SORRY ZORO I CAN’T FIX THAT!”
Zoro blinked. He hadn’t expected that. Maybe a “What did you DO?” or a “This looks bad” at the very worst, but not an outright refusal to help. “What, really?”
Chopper, pink-faced, nodded. And then gestured towards the mirror in the back of the room, next to the little reindeer’s life-sized anatomy model (a gift from Robin).
Zoro stared into the mirror. Long hair and long eye-lashes stared back at him. He decided he really needed to buy a bra or stop wearing white t-shirts if this was going to happen all the time.
“Yeah,” he said, and turned back to Chopper. “I know I’m all girly right now. So?”
Chopper stared. “You mean…” the reindeer made a vague gesture. “You don’t…”
“I don’t see what it has to do with me bleeding all over the place.” Zoro simply figured he’d woken up in female form because blood had water in it, and it became cold while he’d been bleeding-slash-sleeping and here we were.
Chopper cleared his throat. “Girls um… sometimes… that is, it’s just a natural um, occurrence… and I uh… you’re going to bleed.”
Zoro blinked. “Huh?”
Chopper squirmed. “That is… you can’t stop it… it’s how nature works and um… so you’re going to bleed for a couple of days. Probably five or six.”
The swordsman’s eyebrows darted up. “For a couple of days?” Pause. Swallow. “Am I dying?” He could only surmise that it was some sort of bleeding disease or something, and fuck it if it was fatal, he was not going out like that.
“No!” Chopper rushed to assure him. “You bleed but you don’t die from it.”
Zoro had stabbing pains in his stomach that told him otherwise, and he wasn’t sure how much he believed Chopper’s assurance that he wasn’t going to croak from whatever it was that had cut him, even if the little guy was a doctor. Zoro had never seen anything bleed for five days and not die, after all.
Plus, his stomach really hurt.
“Are you sure I’m not going to…”
“Yes,” Chopper promised. “It won’t kill you.” He paused, read the skeptical look on the swordsman’s face properly. “Uh! You’ve bled a whole lot more than this before and lived, right?”
Zoro thought about that.
“Yeah, I guess.”
The reindeer sighed in relief.
And then, “So, what do I do?”
Chopper blinked. “Um, maybe you could t-talk to Robin, or Nami about what they do when er, when it comes?”
Zoro stared. “You mean it happens to them too?” His eyes narrowed. They’d probably given it to him in the first place. Diseases were contagious on small ships, after all. “Every month?”
Chopper nodded, slowly.
Well, Zoro supposed that explained a lot about them. He’d be made of iron if he had to do this once a month for the rest of his life too.
Luckily, that wasn’t the case.
Because from everything Chopper had been telling him, he was pretty sure he had a cure for whatever illness he’d come down with this morning.
Zoro took a deep breath. “Right. I’m gonna go boil some water,” he said after a minute, and decided that he would like his penis back now. It was trusty and strong and faithful, and had never bled like a wimp on him before or caught any retarded monthly diseases that didn’t kill you. He supposed he knew where the term “don’t be a pussy” came from now though. Stupid pussy and its diseases with blood.
He stood and trudged towards the bathroom.
Later, when he poured hot water all over himself and nothing happened, Chopper theorized that it was a biological entity he’d just have to wait out from month to month, which was why he’d woken up as a girl despite going to bed a man in the first place.
Sanji cooed and twirled and made him soothing teas and little girly-girl sandwiches and promised to do whatever he could to make Lola-chan more comfortable. Zoro scowled and told him to fuck off.
When the chef only sighed sympathetically and pat the swordsman’s hair, saying something about “PMS” and “Poor Mellorine,” Zoro punched him in the face hard (though he wasn’t sure why that had pissed him off so bad).
Nami and Robin shot him sympathetic looks all through dinner after that, and Zoro thought he would never get over the little lesson they’d given him earlier that afternoon-one that had involved some mortifying decisions and ultimately, closing his eyes, gritting his teeth, and going with choice number two with its plastic applicators used for putting tab B into slot A.
And while everyone made a conscious effort to try and cheer him up about his little predicament throughout the remainder of the evening (only succeeding in making him even more irritable), it was Chopper’s innocently optimistic comment that made the blood in his veins run absolutely cold.
“I guess this means you can have babies after all, Zoro! Isn’t that great?”
Sanji passed out from sheer and utter joy.
Luffy laughed and thought Zoro would look funny fat and Usopp vowed to be the best uncle ever, ever.
Zoro glared at them all from his seat and realized that after all these years of thinking otherwise, he’d actually been very, very wrong. Men and women weren’t really equals like he’d always believed they were.
Men were dumb.
END
EDITS NEEDED LIKE WOAH.