My Fault: No Effort
So I've been thinking alot lately about how stupid, scared and naive I can be and I realized that I think I spoiled something that could've been good by being scared and naive and stupid. I know why I act the way I do, but I have to grow up and face the music, not everyone I meet in life will act or be the same. Some people are actually trustworthy and won't fuck me over. This is more like "note to self" more than anything else. At this late hour in my situation, I doubt any of this banter will do any good. I can't figure out what I need to do, I just know that it has to be soon, or all the time I've spent, all of the thoughts that I have thought and the emotions that I have felt will be wasted. I don't know maybe I'm a creep but I read a post of someone elses LJ and it made me write this. I was actually going to do something about it, but now is not an appropriate time. He is entertaining a guest in his room. I can't believe all the time that I wasted by ignoring and not wanting to face the obvious. I know I get become absolutely terrified when I think or know someone likes me, but I really can't help it. This situation was completely different than I've had to deal with. What am I supposed to do when I like a boy, he appears to like me, but is still in love with his ex-girlfriend? Right off the bat, I told myself not to get too close, not to get hurt again, but here I am doing the same thing over again. He was right, who ever "starts the stumble of romance ends up at the finish line first, where a trophy awaits engraved with DISAPPOINTMENT." This time is was not me who won the race but it was him. I didn't mean to be a disappointment, I just didn't want to get too close to someone who had deeper feelings for someone else. He sounds so happy when he talks to her, more at ease. I sit with him and I pretty mush get nothing.
I insulted, ignored, brushed aside and pushed away for so long, I think that I pushed him into the next state. I would do anything to retract my past actions and statements, if I knew that this wouldn't be the end result: me in his basement while he is upstairs with her. I can't believe how stupid I am. This whole time, I've been telling myself, "Don't fuck it up this time, don't walk away from this wanting to kick yourself in the face." The reality that I'm facing now? I am in fact kicking myself in the face and I did fuck everything up. I truly have got it now, I do have a thorn in my side the size of a fucking Cadillac hearse.
I insulted, ignored, brushed aside and pushed away for so long, I think that I pushed him into the next state. I would do anything to retract my past actions and statements, if I knew that this wouldn't be the end result: me in his basement while he is upstairs with her. I can't believe how stupid I am. This whole time, I've been telling myself, "Don't fuck it up this time, don't walk away from this wanting to kick yourself in the face." The reality that I'm facing now? I am in fact kicking myself in the face and I did fuck everything up. I truly have got it now, I do have a thorn in my side the size of a fucking Cadillac hearse.